Almost back together--did we ruin it?? HELP!

[kelly ann]

Hey... I posted on here starting 5 months or so ago when my ex-bf and i broke up, and throughout that devastating period being apart. He did come back, saying it was the worst mistake of his life, explaining how he thought of me every single day and why he couldn't contact me earlier (complicated but true situation). While we were just 'talking' about things for two weeks, we saw each other once or twice a week, and the attraction was amazing. Everything was perfect. We love each other 110%, and always connected on every single level until the end/downfall of our first relationship (when we started fighting, each felt really hurt, got disinterested in sex). It was like everything was restored.

 

Then we "officially" got back together, and he basically wanted to see me everyday, so for over a week I practically lived with him. We are both very stressed out with our careers (we're both in finance, Wall St is falling apart, he just got a new, high-pressure job at a top firm, etc), but I still made sure I was there, every night, to show him I was serious about the commitment. Our first week back together, he didnt even take me out to dinner until I brought it up, and it was completely unromantic. We didn't have sex from Tuesday-Friday, which is not normal for us.

 

I think this may be because he was too tired/stressed to initiate, and I was insecure about things that had happened while we were broken up (he dated someone else), but now he says he's no longer attracted to me "in that way" and doesn't think it can be fixed. He wants to just be friends and "see where things go" but he's acting like just a friend for now. He tells me he loves me more than anything still though.

 

I know I shouldn't have made myself totally available that week--but have I ruined our chances of ever being back together again?? What do I do at this point?? I feel like we can get the sexual attraction back if we both work on it, because we definitely had it from the start, it's not like we were best friends who decided to date and then realized there was no physical attraction... we both look the same as we did when we first started dating, that's not the issue... I think we were both so emotionally hurt at the end of our last relationship that our sex life was affected, and I think we're still emotionally vulnerable and it will take some time to get restored. How do i convince him that that's possible though?? I mean, sex therapists and marriage counselors wouldn't be in business if it wasnt!

 

Do I pull back and act like his friend and wait for him to realize? Or is there anything else i can do??

 

Please help.. all thoughts/ advice is greatly appreciated

 

Thanks

[JadedStar]

To be honest, and i doubt this is what you want to hear, but i think that part of him pulling you back was a mixture of guilt and the fear of the unknown and he got scared....thus pulled you back into his world, but the issues that led to the break up were still there. A bit of time apart didn't make them go away.

 

I think that once you were back and things were somewhat normal again the same feelings that led to the break up were right back in the mix.

 

I honestly advise you just work on moving on and not trying so hard to make the attraction come back. Attraction doesn't have as much to do with how we look as it does the chemistry and vibe we have with another person. This isn't something you can control.

 

I find it interesting that you mentioned you never went out to dinner but once and it wasn't romantic. Going out to a romantic dinner doesn't really spell a successful union. You both sound extremely stressed on the job thus a romantic dinner or sex not happening isn't that unordinary. I would worry far less about that and mroe about the fact that getting back together obviously just uncovered the reasons you left each other in the first place.

 

I would recommend just going into no contact mode for awhile and you two healing and trying to move on. If he stated he 'doesn't feel that way' toward you this is not something you can force and i wouldn't continue trying to email or talk to him and trying to 'make him see the light'. that will hurt you both in the long run.

[JohnGalt]

Go sign up for the NC challenge.

[kelly ann]

Thanks guys. JadedStar, you mentioned that you think the feelings we had before the break up came back this time... but we broke up/were fighting because we both didn't feel like the other person loved each other as much each of us did. he wanted to get engaged and i pulled back due to time (im not even 23 yet), because of my reaction he grew distant/resentful and it affected how i felt about him. before that, for almost a year, we had amazing chemistry, and not to be inappropriate but could never keep our hands off each other. we got along on every level, including sexually-he's the best i've had and he always said it was better with me as well because of how much we love each other. but after the 4 months apart, when he came back to me wanting to get back together, it was clear that we both DO love each other so much, wanted to be together for the long run, both wanted to get married, both forgave each other for our old arguments. so i'm just wondering what issues are coming up? that was really our only issue... obviously the sex being not-on-par with the past, but don't people work on this and get it back?