Is there still hope? Can we get back together after she had intimacy issues?

[eidetz]

My girlfriend (26) broke up with me (28) about a month ago. We had been dating for six months and connected perfectly on very many levels. We were both very attracted to each other, had the same goals, interests, and simply loved spending time with each other. Everything seemed perfect during the first 3-4 months of the relationship. We spent almost all our free time together and thought we were meant for each other. Our physical relationship was also very healthy and we had sex almost every day. After this initial period things started to change a bit though. We still spent almost every free second together and enjoyed having each other very much, but her passionate kisses and hugs became more rare and her desire to be physical with me started to fade. I sometimes got very frustrated, because she started to deny me when I tried to initiate any kind of intimate activity with her. I finally decided to ask her what was going on. She started crying and said she had never had this problem before and that she didn’t know why she didn’t feel like being intimate with me anymore. I took her in my arms and we talked about it for a while. I felt really sorry for her, because I had not been aware that she felt that way and that this issue had been bothering her. She said she didn’t understand what it was and that it might just be a physical issue or something related to a change in her hormone levels (we had a little accident a few weeks earlier and she had to take the “morning-after” pill). She said it wasn’t that she didn’t want to have sex since she sometimes even masturbated during the day while I was at work. She said she thought that things would just change again and we left it at that. I gave her more space and things seemed back to normal after a few days. I didn’t worry about it anymore. Christmas came around and she went to visit her brother in England for two weeks. Before she left she handed me the sweetest Christmas card saying that “I meant the world to her” and that “she was the luckiest girl in the world to have me in her life”. I had tears in my eyes when I read her card and my feelings for her just intensified while she was gone. I felt like we would be together forever. She called me and e-mailed me from England and everything felt great. I picked her up from the airport on New Years day and we spent the next week together. During this week the same intimacy problems came up again and she shut down every one of my attempts to be physical with her. I got really frustrated with her one night when I just tried to kiss her and it seemed like she denied even my kiss. I thought she was stressed out over work and decided to just leave her apartment and go home. She called me the next morning and said we should talk. I expected her to explain to me that she just had a lot on her mind at the moment, but instead she broke up with me.

 

Please see her e-mail answering some of my questions after our talk below…

 

“My feelings for you are real- I am sorry if you feel betrayed, but I care about and feel very deeply for you. I have enjoyed the time we have spent together and would not change the way we have done things.

The problem I have struggled with is the intimacy, as you know. I wanted so desperately for things to be different, and I hoped that it would change eventually. However, it did not change for me. I know this is very important in a relationship and once I realized that I can't change, I knew I had to do something about it. We both have needs and I do not want to hold either of us back. I felt like I was cheating you because I wasn't giving you my all- it isn't me and it just isn't fair.

I meant everything I said- you are amazing and I have never met anyone like you before. Your feelings are not one-sided. It's just that there is something missing for me when it comes to the physical part of our relationship, which tells me that I care about you as a friend more than anything else. I do not want to continue to push you away, knowing that it would eventually impair our friendship.

Please know that you mean the world to me and I never meant to hurt you. I know that we will both deal with this in different ways, but that doesn't mean it is easy for me....”

 

 

 

We’ve been apart for a month now and haven’t talked for the last two weeks. I made every possible mistake one could make during a break-up and sent her flowers, e-mails, text messages, etc. asking her if she was sure about her decision. She openly talked to me at the beginning, but then got very cold all of a sudden and told me I had to move on. I decided to write her one last good-bye letter thanking her for the amazing time I got to spend with her. I haven’t heard from her since then. I think of her every minute and am asking myself if there is a chance that we might ever be able to get back together again at some point and that things might work in the long run. I thought that maybe we weren’t together at the right point in time. I read a lot on the internet over the last weeks and I must say I wasn’t even aware that intimacy issues were so common. I understand that the ability to be intimate with your partner is a very important foundation for a healthy long-term relationship and I believe that her intimacy issues might’ve been a result of her past relationships and other experiences. I think that she might change at some point in time though. A few years ago she was anorexic and from what she had told me it sounded like none of her previous relationships were built upon love. It really hurt me when she told me that she has never loved any of her former boyfriends although she had been in long term relationships all her life. Although she is a very, very attractive woman it seems like she is very concerned about her body. She works out for hours every day and gets worried if she isn’t able to go to the gym for a day. Sometimes it even felt like working out was more important to her than being with me. She talked about breast implants a few times and I always told her she had beautiful breast just the way they were. She was never as affectionate as I was, but she told me right when we met that she was sorry if she was a bit colder and less affectionate than other people. She said that unfortunately that’s just how she was and that it’s always been like that. I accepted that. Although she had those little flaws I learned to love everything about her. Although she might have had some issues in the past it felt like she was a very happy person now. Is there any way I could get her back after she already said she had intimacy issues with me? Is it possible that her feelings for me might change and that her intimacy problems might go away? I love her so much and understand if she needs her distance right now. To me it sounds like she has already made up her mind though since she thinks that we are not compatible. I know she cares a lot about me though and I don’t want to lose her forever if things might work out in the future. I’ve never met a person I connected so perfectly with and it seems like the intimacy issue is the only reason we split. What are your thoughts? Has anybody been through similar situations where they ended up getting back together with their ex and the relationship worked out? Thanks a lot for reading all this. I really appreciate your support!

[JohnGalt]

You sure she isn't cheating on you or attracted to someone else?

[eidetz]

No, I don't think so. I asked her that question several times and she said that there wasn't anybody else. I trust her. She was crying during the break-up and told me she loved everything about me, that she was still very attracted to me, but that she simply had trouble being intimate with me since she saw too much of a friend in me rather than a lover. All this came very unexpected, which is why I'm so confused...

[Hrtsleeve]

Hey man, I read your post and was surprised how similar your situation is to mine. My ex and I broke up (officially) in early Jan. We were together a year and the first 5-6 months were filled with love and passion (sex). She warned me about her past and her intimacy problems, she had suffered through some pretty rough times in her life that really affected her. One night we had a fight that ended badly and I violated her trust by being too physical with her. After that we still remained the best friends and exclusive. We understood each other 100 percent and she said she loved me more than words could explain. The problem was that we started to become less intimate. We had a great emotional connection but we could never get back to the level of intimacy we had. Although we still kissed and everything we just stopped having sex. We tried to see if counseling would help but she eventually found herself attracted to someone else. They are now dating but she still tells me she loves me.. I have really cut off most contact with her, even though she is my best friend.

 

Ok so not exactly like your situation, but she said that she still finds me physically attractive but something is missing. She wants to still be friends but if you want her back you cannot be just that. I would try to find out if she is seeing anyone or having sex because believe me she did not lose her sex drive. She first told me that it wasn’t that. I know its hard man. I wish I could tell you that she will come back but I can’t. If you really want her back and it sounds like you do. Improve yourself; look at why she might have lost her desire for you. Were you too attached to her? Were you an individual or were you half a person? You said she was 26 and you were 20, I see no problem in this, as my ex is older than I. But she might view you as young and immature. Show her that you are a man, and you don't NEED her but you enjoy her SHARING your life. I think if you can redefine yourself, find yourself again even then she can def come back to you. But don’t come off as needy and show her that you are mature enough to handle a WOMAN. Good luck man, try to work on you, and move on, if she sees this she might want you back. Thats what I am hoping for, but I have decided that I wont be her shoulder to cry on, I want her back but I wont mope around, I’m going to live my life and if she comes back, all the better, if not I'll be ok.

 

Keep your life moving, stay active! Best of luck!!

[eidetz]

Thanks a lot! This really sounds like an exact copy of my story. I'm actually 28. Just turned 28 a few weeks ago, a week after we split. We were sooo attracted to each other on every possible level at the beginning as well, be it intellectually (we both have great and similar careers going for us), emotionally, or physically (I work out 3-4 times a week myself and try to keep my body in shape as much as I can). I definitely think that I was her first loving and caring boyfriend though and that this might have been the reason she saw too much of a friend in me. She said she wanted to stay friends, but i just don't know if I could ever do that, because I would just want her back too badly. I've already made the mistake of showing her that I was needy so that's why I told her goodbye for now and that I did hope we could be friends at some point (once my feelings would allow me to). She said she definitely wanted to keep me in her life... She also told me she still found me very attractive, but that there was just something missing for her and she didn't know what and why. I know she didn't lose her sex drive since she told me she was pleasuring herself. She said she really wanted things to change and she wanted to be physical with me, but that she just couldn't since she saw me as her friend... Life's not easy sometimes. I definitely think that there are some psychological reasons that prevent her from being intimate with me. I just don't know if that could eventually change or not. I'll definitely stay away from talking to her for a few months and see what happens. I just always have that hope in me that I'd run into her in six months or so and that we could be together again.... In response to your statement that your girlfriend found herself attracted to somebody else: I could picture my ex be attracted to someone at her gym. She talked about the people there a lot and how the personal trainers always tried to talk to her...

[Hrtsleeve]

Oh my bad..28 Regardless I’m sure it has to do with the fact that you are a nice guy and actually cared about her on a level she has never seen before. That is my case at least. My ex is extremely attractive and has always had problems with intimacy; it is a psychological thing that can be addressed if they choose to address it. So in my case she gave up hope once this person came along, it was like an easier route for her, she kind of hides from her true feelings and doesn’t want to face the big issues. So if you think your ex may have similar psychological problems or what have you, I would give her time to realize them and maybe she will understand better why she found herself less attracted to you. Stay strong brother! If she’s meant to be she will come around.

[kelly ann]

wow... your situations all sound like mine too, except im the girl in the relationship. you'd probably disagree, but i think it's even scarier when a guy tells you all of that. when my ex broke up with me (two days ago) he said everything your girlfriend said to you, he was crying, told me he needed me in his life still, etc. it just doesn't make sense to me because how can you say that maybe we're incompatible sexually if we spent the first 10 months of our relationship not being able to keep our hands off each other? we connect on every level too, are in the same professional field also, it's just so heartbreaking... i want to work on it, but he seems convinced that it can't be fixed. i don't know what to do either and it's tearing me up inside..

[eidetz]

Hi kelly-ann. Yes, your situation sounds exactely like mine. I can't understand that we were so attracted to each other at the beginning and all of a sudden things didn't work for her anymore. I'm sure there was nobody else. I trust her. I read some of your other posts. We're both working in finance as well and we're both extremly busy. I just don't know if her feelings for me could ever change again. Like Hrtsleeve said, I think I just didn't work for her at this point, because I might have been her first loving and caring boyfriend, which led to her believe I was too much of a friend for her. I think she has psychological issues and that things could change if she decided she wanted to deal with them. Right now, she just seems too convinced that she can't be intimate with me. I decided I'll give it a few months until my feelings for her cool down a bit and then I'll try to be friends. I know this might be a stupid idea, but I'd like to keep her in my life somehow. Maybe things will really change in time. I'm definitely going to try to meet new people and see where that takes me as well. I don't think there is a point in me just waiting for her when she already made up her mind. I just can't let go of her for good though, because she just means too much to me. I'd like to stay in contact with her even if it'll only be through an e-mail or two here and there. I'll always have hope that things will change and that she'll come back at some point, but I can't change her feelings for me when she already said things wouldn't work for her... It's too sad life can be this tough sometimes. - I really thought she was "the one" for me...

[Hrtsleeve]

ok so the question is, how do you go about getting them back? Just move on and hope they change thier mind, before you totally let them go?

[eidetz]

I'm not sure, but I think I would be hurting too much if I kept my hopes high and tried everything possible to get her back just to find out it didn't work in the end. I think this needs time and I can't be waiting and hurting during this time. I still think she'd be the one, but only if our feelings are mutual. I can't force her to be with me forever if she doesn't think I'm the one for her. I also don't want to end up in a relationship that at some time in the future will end the same way it ended the first time. I think it has to come from her side. She might start dating other people and find out how much I had to offer and miss me. She might fall in love with somebody else. - I can't predict the future. I'm just worried about the intimacy issues. She could miss me and still want to be with me, but if she wouldn't be able to be intimate with me (and I'm not talking just physically) then I don't see a future for us either. It tears my heart apart when I think about this. I'm so sad that we're able to connect on so many levels, but that she's not able to give me her all. I definitely want her back. I miss her more than anything. I love her.... but, it needs to be mutual.

 

Any thoughts from anybody else? Do you have any suggestions or stories of how you dealt with a similar situation and what the outcome was? I'd appreciate any answer. - Thanks