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1-3 month get back together a sham...


gromalamaz

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I've been on these boards for a few months. You can look up my threads if you want. I have been looking for answers NO ONE but myself can give me! I visited an ex-fiance and almost fell back into that 'abyss'. It was only after I started to let go and move on with a relationship with MYSELF, that things got better. And, what do you know, my ex wants to meet up...and we do - 5 months to the day that we broke up. Every situation is different and you can't put a time limit on things. I started working on myself the week we broke up and I started therapy. 5 months later, we are talking about trying to start over AND he is, just now, going to begin therapy. The difference in myself? Yes, we had a great time meeting up and talking, but I'm pursuing my life. He is now asking ME what I have done to get to such a great place and hoping that he can get there (our relationship failed because we are both people-pleasers, not great at communicating, and use passive-aggressive behavior to deal with conflict). You CAN NOT place a time limit on people changing, on getting back together, on love. I don't know what the future will bring, but I am happy with my present life without him. I put the ball in his court about starting over, said the things I needed to say, and he made no promises. I am happy with that because the one thing we BOTH could agree on was that neither of us would have come to these realizations if we never had broken up. I love him, and I'm sure he does me, but me putting pressure on him to 'jump' back into it is not healthy for either of us, as we both want a strong and healthy relationship together...

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I feel the exact same way.

It's been two months since we broke up (December 9)

And it's been about a month since No Contact.

 

I never thought i'd be this at ease with the break up cuz it was really hard at first. My first relationship, my first love, and it was almost 3 years long.

 

I am definitely working on myself.

 

1. Figuring out who I am again and what I want out of life

2. Doing things that I want, that make me happy

3. Focusing on school and things that will bring me success

 

I ALSO agree that love cannot be put in a time frame, and people do change and almost always on their own circumstances! I'm not sure if I want my ex back, and i'm sure we're nowhere near ready to jump back into things. But it feels great knowing that we have no regrets in our relationship and that we have a lot of respect for each other still.

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i just wish i knew how to work on me...how do i have a relationship with MYSELF?? I know I need to love me before I can love anybody else!

 

It starts by switching your focus towards yourself and your needs. What do you need to do for yourself to make you happy? Learning to be comfortable by myself, with my thoughts, was a big hurdle I had to overcome, but it's not impossible... It doesn't happen overnight, but make small changes and you will ultimately feel better. Shoot, if I can do it, anyone can!

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I don't understand. What happened with your ex-fiance? Did you decide not to reconcile because of the distance? What happened?

 

We did not reconcile because he, in many ways, had not changed in the 3 1/2 years we were apart. He is still reading self-help books on the same subjects, over and over, but has not gotten help...and never will. I honestly don't think that he will ever be able to make the changes necessary to have a healthy relationship. While I had a wonderful time, and got caught up in the moment, the reality of our different lives and situations was too...real. I'm growing in myself, have a great career, have finally set roots in an area -- I was not, and am not, willing to give that up for someone who can tell me all of the beautiful things in the world, but can not act upon them. I love myself too much!

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Good for you! Sheesh! I wish that I had been able to get to that place within two months, but everyone is different. Keep on keeping on!

 

You know, I read somewhere that when one person changes, the people around them begin to change as well. I think this is true in any situation in life, be it friendship, family, or romantic relationships. I think the hardest thing to do sometimes, however, is to enact change in one's own life -- it's a huge step, but well worth it. The way I see it, people (myself included, for many years) continue to go from relationship to relationship, making the same mistakes over and over again. The only way to stop repeating the 'mistakes' is to take the time to look into oneself and use each relationship as a way to learn. I really don't think that it was until this past relationship that I understood that there were major changes I needed to make within myself. For that, I am extremely grateful...

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All I Ever Wanted Was to Love You
All I Ever Wanted Was to Love You

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