Loss of entire immediate family in a few years

[madflurry]

Is there anyone else out there, at all, who has lost their entire family at a young age? Im 23, and have lost both my parents and step parents in the last four years - they were the world to me, the only family i had in this country (England) and who i grew up with. Im an only child. I first lost my mum when i was 18, if that wasn't hell enough, and the losses just havent stopped since then. I live constantly in fear of losing more people I love, that I will die, and feel so alone.

 

Would love to talk to somebody in a similar situation, peace to you all, Bella x

[HerDestiny]

I'm so sorry to hear that you went through something similar to what I went through a few years ago. I was so lost! I felt that paranoia...that intense fear of waiting for someone else to disappear from my life. It was so bad I broke down in my doctors office and cried to my doctors wife, saying "everyone is dying" and I was shaking like a leaf!

 

No one knew how to comfort me. I had no sense of security left or stability. It was the most horrible time of my life.

 

Good news for you, though. You reached out and someone understands you but is a few years ahead of where you are now and learned some things (the long and hard way).

 

I found the absolute best and most important thing is to surround yourself with friends and make as many new friends as you can to build a network of support and security around you. You'd be surprised by how many new people you'll meet will understand you and relate to your situation which makes you feel so much less alone.

 

Don't make a big mistake I made, though. I understand feeling so alone and scared. When I felt that way, I wasn't selective enough at first with my new 'friends' and found a few users. Got rid of them, though and have been much more selective since. Things are much better now.

 

I just posted on a thread about Facebook which also may help you. It's something I did when I started realizing I had to be more picky with meeting new people.

 

 

 

Hope I could help. Like I said, no one knew how to help me. They had no idea what the answers were. I hope, by giving you a few ideas for what really helped me, you won't stay lost as long as I did.

 

Don't be scared. You're going to be okay.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I am so very sorry for all of your losses, and at such a young age.

[catfeeder]

My heart goes out to you, and I'm very sorry for your losses.

 

While many in my family made a strange mass exodus out of this place in a short time, I have less fear of dying alone because I feel as though they're all over there waiting to help me when it's my time. I find that comforting.

 

I also feel as though they've eached passed some strengths and energies on to me that they don't need anymore, and this makes me feel stronger--like they're 'with' me.

 

I do talk to them now and then, and if I ever hear anything back it would probably scare the daylights out of me--but I think they know that.

 

I hope none of these thoughts creeped you out; they're just what I've got.

 

In your corner.

[madflurry]

Her Destiny, Crazyaboutdogs, Catfeeder

 

Thanks for your kind replies. Her Destiny, your advice is helpful and i know what you mean about 'fake' friends. Sometimes when i go onto facebook (yes i have an account!) i feel overwhelmed by all the people living their lives and all their insginificant details....i think how they all go on as normal....selfish sounding i know but it really makes me lonely at times. Ive posted a few notes about my parents, i never really get any replies, maybe friends feel awkward but i just want people to understand how hard it is. When they don't reply though it seems as if nobody is bothered. Especially when you see on the newsfeed somebody stressing about something stupid and insignificant and THEY get replies, i just think whats the point, guess ive have to burden this alone.

Ive got some good friends but they're all busy etc...although i am lucky to have a loving and supportive partner, we've both been through some * * * * so we understand how the other is feeling but then again we both need support from other people too, we can't be expected to support each other 24/7 like others think we can because at times its difficult being strong for the other when you want to be weak. Thats a strain. As for some sick people taking advantage, i have been there, a few adults i was expected to trust but didn't know very well have been foul, probably because they know that neither of my parents are here to fight my corner. It makes me so angry. At the moment all these feelings as well as terrified of more death seems to be getting in the way of grieving the people ive lost. Does this make sense to you? I'm really sorry that you've had to endure what ive had to Please tell me who you lost and what other things helped you cope a bit better.

 

Catfeeder, who have you lost? No, don't worry, nothing you have said creeps me out, i can understand only too well! I'm actually quite preoccupied with death and the afterlife, im convinced they are still here though im not really religious. I went to a clairvoyant and THAT was incredible, how she could know all those things so accurately i dont know - for me it was another proof that they were about. One time i had an experience with my dad and i was so freaked out i told him not to contact me like that again - and he hasn't. Like you said, i think they realise what is enough for you to cope with. My mum, on the other hand, i know sometimes stands by my bed and watches me sleep, one morning, her presense was so strong and i was just waking up with my eyes still closed, that i thought it was my partner watching and i opened my eyes and nothing was there. The presense seemed very calm and loving and STRONG, and just disappeared as my eyes focused and i woke up properly, staring at the empty space. There are a ton of other experiences i could go into, but i won't for now!

I also know what you mean about them giving you energy, sometimes i wonder, dear god, how am i still alive throughout all this? Think you might be onto something when you say they give you silent strength.

Btw, what does 'in your corner' mean? Is that an American phrase for, i'm on your side, or i know what you're feeling?

 

Bella xxx

[HerDestiny]

What you said totally makes sense to me.

 

The way I lost the people close to me was...so horrifyingly shocking. My dog was diagnosed with cancer on my birthday so we started chemo. By the next year, I found out the chemo wasn't working at all (after all the time and money we spent trying to improve his situation). He had to be put to sleep.

 

Within the shortest imaginable time frame, a friend of mine killed his girlfriend when she broke up with him. I liked her much more than him. I spoke to her secretly right before she planned to break it off because he was controlling with her. I told her I was glad she was breaking it off.

 

My grandfather, who was very close to me died VERY suddenly and my aunt (who was one of the sweetest people in my family who I felt very comfortable with and close to) went into the hospital and when I went to visit, the nurse told me at the door she was gone. I think she was 53. She was so young.

 

My boyfriend at the time was becoming a controlling nightmare. I slept in a finished basement and wanted to get up one morning to make myself a mug of coffee but he didn't want me to leave the basement so he nearly knocked me down the stairs. I found myself trapped. I knew I had to break it off but also knew, with my abusive mother and the people I was close to in my family dying...and my dog (my best friend for 8 years) gone...I was in serious trouble.

 

Broke things off with him and called...my mother. I was suicidal and the first thing she said to me when she saw me was "I can't believe you ruined Christmas" which made me sick to my stomach. I couldn't go to her house that year because of the abuse so i had...no family. But, because of my circumstances...I didn't know what to do.

 

There I was...abused, losing everyone in months, a murder (lost two friends - one in the ground, the other in jail), put my dog to sleep who was the only 'person' I felt safe with (very large wolf hybrid), breaking off a 'relationship' with the person closest to me at the time and my mother stands there after I overdose days before...and tells me I ruined Christmas for her.

 

I was so sick to my stomach...

 

I was so hopeless and so alone I tried to kill myself to get out of the intense fear and pain I was in.

 

I got out of one abusive situation and walked straight into another out of desperation! It took me months to walk away from my mother and be by myself for a bit, spend time with friends, grieve all those losses in my life that happened so rapidly...and try to find a way to look forward to a brighter day.

 

Got a new job and I'll tell ya...having a crush on my manager was a big help! It was a fun time in my life and it really gave me that kick start I needed. We had fun at work together and meeting all those new people (huge place with lots of employees) was great for me. Reminded me that there's a big, wide world out there full of people. Lots of people to meet, have some fun with, relate to and rely on.

 

It gave me a great push forward to start trusting people again and I just ran with it. It's been about 2 and a half years since that horrible time in my life and I continue to make new friends even now. Being that I virtually don't have a family because they're toxic and downright dangerous (at times physically, not just mentally and emotionally), I've filled that void in my life with other people from all walks of life. Now, if I really did need someone if I were to find myself in some kind of bad situation, I know I have some people I can rely on.

 

I don't feel alone anymore! I've seen the past 2 years how people are just coming into my life, not leaving it and it's a fantastic feeling. No more insecurity, no more fear, no more lonely times wondering what's going to happen next.

 

I really started to look under every single rock to find good people to surround myself with. It took a lot of effort on my part. They didn't just appear. I had to find them all. It has been a very good adventure and I've learned that this is an adventure I will continue for life just in case...I somehow find myself losing too many too fast again. I've now safeguarded myself so that I won't find myself alone and scared ever again.

 

My closest friends ARE my family and they're a big family that keeps growing!

 

 

[madflurry]

HerDestiny

 

Wow. Your story somewhat shocked me, i'm so sorry for all that you've been through. I can't believe that your ex did that to you! Some people are sick. So you lived in a basement and he basically kept you captive down there? Couldn't you have gotten him arrested for something like that? And as for your mum.....psh......has she always been like that to you?! Im really glad though that you're free of all these draining people. That can't be easy having a mum like that, and its hard because its your mum. My partner has the same mum problem actually she tried to kill herself a few weeks ago, blaming it on an argument and saying that I was being put before her. Great things to say after what we've been through the last few months. Some people are just incredibly selfish.

 

I'm pleased for you though really happy that you have found some really great friends and are finally getting the support you need. Did you have councilling or go to one of those support groups? The latter are supposed to be quite good, im thinking of trying one but there don't seem to be anything like that in my area. There's not much out there for young people (not children) who have lost family.

 

I do wonder about some of the friends i have. I think they mean well, but really dont offer any help at all, just leave me to get on with it! The other week i met up with a friend for a couple of drinks and i tried explaining that i felt isolated and she seemed sympathetic but simply said 'i find it hard to know what to do....but you know if you ever need anything, you can call anytime' ...that is such a cliched sentence! And it isnt really the point. When people grieve, or are trying to, or have a million practical things that drag on for months and years, you dont wait to ask, you DO something. I know that i feel awkward asking, or dont have the energy, or dont even really know what i want help with half the time. It would be nice if others could just reach out off their own backs, yknow? It wouldnt kill them. Well, i suppose now if one of my friends lost somebody i would know exactly how to behave. I think thats a good thing that comes out of this, it makes me a much more compassionate and strong person. Going through something on this scale makes me realise how much people need teaching about grief - they don't have a blimmin clue.

 

As for my other family, they all live in NZ so the other side of the world isnt much use to help each other. Im thinking of going over soon for a month, but itll be a hard trip. The only family member i have nearby is my mums sister in Portugal, she tries bless her but tends to want to brush over all the horrible things and almost tells me im well when im trying to tell her im not! She could have done more. Everybody could. How do we move on from this bitterness? If i can't change the situation then the only solution is to accept it, im finding that almost impossible. Any ideas?

 

perhaps we could pm each other?

Bella x

[HerDestiny]

Hi, Bella! Sure, I should have called the police about my ex. The problem with me was, with all those losses in my life so close together, I was too terrified to think clearly. I was just in panic mode.

 

Looking back, I SO REGRET not sneaking to a phone and having him arrested for Unlawful Confinement and Domestic Abuse.

 

I couldn't even think that far at the time!

 

Yes, people really do need to be educated about grieving and losses. There were a few people who really did wish they could help but were so clueless as to what to do that they just hung their heads low and felt sorry for me.

 

I was supposed to get counseling for this and also the Post Traumatic Stress Disorder from the abuse but at the last minute, I found out that the first appointment I waited for wasn't going to happen. There was a mistake in the paperwork. I realized that for the most part, I managed to recover all by myself.

 

I had to find out what was going to help me. I was as clueless as the few people I had left around me! Had no idea where to start, what would help...

 

Then, one day I find myself smiling, laughing and joking with my manager and the crush I had on him was so strong I totally forgot about EVERYTHING. It was a moment that hit me by surprise. I had someone new in my life who meant a lot to me (and I really admired this guy) and I found out, he had a crush on me too. We were acting like giddy teenagers. At our age? It felt kind of strange at first but it was opening a big, bright new door for me. I finally felt like I wasn't alone anymore and because of this guy...I realized how many great people there were out there waiting for me to just bump into them.

 

To answer your question about my mom -- No, she wasn't always like this. I just figured out about two weeks ago when it started. When I was 16.

 

I was bitter toward the few people who were clueless. I felt like, if they wanted to help, they would! They would do something! Looking back now, I do see how some honestly wanted to. I could see it in their eyes. And some others...really couldn't have cared less.

 

I got over the bitterness when I realized my situation was highly unusual so not many people would have the experience to know what to do and the people who didn't care at all...are just not part of my life anymore.

 

That took care of the bitterness!

 

What happened to me occurred in less than two years, by the way. But, now (with a clear head) I think about people who lost their entire family in hours in a housefire or car accident and they somehow hung on until brighter days did show up. They will show up but the faster you get up and get some control over your situation, the faster the brighter days show up!

 

You do have complete control over your life. You can bring lots of great people into your life whenever you want to. You can put a stop to the losses and start gaining as quickly as you want. And you may find, like me, there are some really cool little unexpected surprises along the way that will open your eyes, bring a smile to your face and give you the motivation to keep going and never stop.

 

Feel free to PM me!

[top bloke]

I am sorry to hear what happened in the past but it is good to see you climb up and up from those days. Your story is insipirational herdestiny..

[lost1607307474]

My best friend who I've known for years is in a similar situation. Her dad died when she was 16, and her mum died when she was 21. She doesn't have any step-parents that she gets along with. She felt much the same as you, but I know that when she was feeling really lost I would spend a lot of time with her. Do you have any good friends you can turn to to talk to and just seek comfort in?