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I'm really getting hurt here.


truffles

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Alright. I met this girl the summer at a local park. At the time, she had a boyfriend, so I just got to know her a little bit, added her on Facebook and MSN, stuff like that. We talked a little bit, and became pretty good friends, I guess you could say. At this point, I had a little teeny crush on her, but didn't put it any real effort because I knew she had a boyfriend, etc.

 

Fast forward 3 months later. They break up. See, when they first got together, she didn't know that he smoked weed. She found out about 2 weeks later, and was pretty angry about it. At this point, he said "Hey, you know what? I'll stop for myself, and for you," and she said okay. Six months down the road, she finds out that he had been smoking it that whole time without her knowing, a major trust issue in my mind. Basically, everybody knew except her. So she broke up with him.

 

This is where I kicked in. The day after they broke up, we were talking on MSN and it seemed like she was hinting at me asking her to hang out or something. I asked her if she wanted to go for a drive for a little while, and she said yes. After that, we hung out probably 6-7 times, she went to my house, I went to her house, etc, but we never did anything, if you know what I mean. She didn't kiss me, blah blah. It seemed like she might have liked me, but I wasn't sure.

 

Asking one of her friends about the matter, she said that she still really liked her ex, but didn't trust him, so she didn't think anything was going to happen. But it was strange, because they still hung out with each other a lot. More than I did with her.

 

So about a month ago, under much pressure from some friends, I told her I liked her. We talked about it a little, and then she said "You know how I feel right?" and I said "Well, I'm guessing you don't feel the same way." She said yeah. This hurt, but I asked another one of her friends about it a few days later, and she said that when I told her, she "didn't know what to do" and that her ex was "being a real douche about it."

 

Then about two weeks ago, it happened.

 

She was at his house, and he said something about not liking her as much. She felt really bad, and realized that regardless of whether the trust was there or not, she still liked him a lot, and they got back together. This came as a pretty big kick in the balls to me, because it was so sudden.

 

I'm feeling pretty balls now, but I'm wondering. Is it still worth it to hang out with her? Be her friend? Are relationships like this destined to end quickly? It would be cool if somebody could identify with my situation and tell me how they felt.

 

Thanks.

 

Sorry if this is the wrong forum/area

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Well, you're not her friend at all. You're a guy who wants to date a woman that doesn't like him as anything more then a friend. She is your romantic interest and not your friend. Friends don't get their feelings hurt when their friends hook up with people. Friends also don't contemplate dropping their "friendship" if their friend likes someone else.

 

So again, you should be honest with yourself about your intentions. She is not your friend because you don't treat her like a proper friend would. And to answer your question, nothing good will likely come out of this for you if you continue to pursue your "friendship" with her. I would suggest either "following a new romantic lead", or else finding a new friend who is actually a friend to you and someone you don't want to sleep with.

 

Finally, I'm sorry that you are hurting from this. There are a LOT of men on ENA who can empathize with you and your situation. It's extremely common. It is very telling that you made mention of "she didn't kiss me". Did you expect her to? Were you waiting for her to make a first move? If that's you, then you may have some work to do when it comes to putting yourself in a position to pursue a woman romantically.

 

Men who don't wish to make a first move usually do so because they fear the potential rejection. And unfortunately, if you fear rejection then the woman can almost always smell it on you like a dog can smell your fear. You can't be in that place and "make a move" on a woman. Fear kills it. This is why it's important to work on yourself and get yourself to a place where you are not only ok with being rejected, but a place where you actually embrace it. As a man, you should never be left wondering why some woman didn't "make a move" on you. If she's especially attractive then it's unlikely that she has to worry about making first moves much. She's used to someone taking charge.

 

Also, if you're going to talk about your feelings then saying "I really feel like kissing you right now" in a playful way is an infinitely better way to disclose your feelings then "I've really liked you for a long time, and I'm wondering if you like me too." The first implies almost immediate action while the second implies lots of work on her part. The first sets you up for almost immediate rejection while the second sets you up for the woman having to dance around and potentially be able to spare your feelings if she doesn't like you.

 

If you ever have to wonder which route you should take, ALWAYS air on the side of whichever route sets you up to be the most thoroughly rejected. Learning to live with and even embracing that rejection is going to take you a long, long way.

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