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What do I do: Is my father a pervert?


Kaelin

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Here goes,

 

I'm an art student and my lecturer encouraged me to focus on studies of the human form. When I asked him about life modelling classes he said - just study yourself.

 

I can't draw myself without taking photos, so I ended up with about 200 photos to work from, and as I went through them I deleted most of them to keep the bare minimum on my PC. My PC is passworded and I kept the images buried quite deep, and just to deter people further the folder was named "Nude Self Photography".

 

Very recently I asked my father to print some non-offensive images of paintings by Picasso and Goya which obviously has nothing to do with these photos. I never ask him to print anything but he said I should set up a network with his PC so it can print through his.

 

30 minutes later I walk into his room to ask him if he has printed them yet and he's sat there with a photo of myself with my legs splayed open filling his PC screen. I say "what the * * * * , have you been going through mt computer?!" He doesnt respond.

 

An hour or so later he leaves the house and doesnt come back for 4 hours - very unlike him. I go and tell my mum, she is in denial. I am freaked out.

 

I left him a note saying that if he has no respect for me and my privacy then i have no respect for him. I thought he would then say something. He didn't. my mum has asked him several times what went on and he said that i was printing "topless photos" off on his pc and cant understand why I think he's a pervert.

 

I don't know what to do, I hate living in that house and avoid it as much as possible. How do I live there? Every time I go back I feel sick, confine myself to my room, I feel vunerable and anxious, restless, victimised, scared and trapped. Please, if anyone can relate to this or has any idea what I should do, leave a post.

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What your father did was really wrong. Has he ever shown this side of him? Is it possible he was just in shock that his daughter would put graphic nude photos of herself on the computer. Personally, I do not understand why people take these kind of photos and put them on computers and cell phones...others always end up somehow finding them...why do it in the first place. This is not art, spreading your legs for a camera and then placing it on the computer is not the wisest thing to do. So while your father needs to be held accountable for gawking at photos of his naked daughter, let this also be a lesson that your photos on a computer may not be safe from prying eyes, be it your father, a boyfriend, his friends etc. I have heard too many stories of people being humiliated when the photos fall into the wrong hands.

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Thank you for your response,

 

I agree, and I will never do this again. most of the photos were tasteful, and that one was one of few that I would call "graphic". I also deleted it as soon as I decided not to paint it which means he probably had it long before the time I caught him.

 

It is not within my nature to take photos like this for fun or to have on my cell phone. I had no idea this would happen and I'm incredibly shaken. I havent spoken to him in 3 weeks, but if I was him i would have explained why by now. What do I do now?

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Thank you for your response,

 

I agree, and I will never do this again. most of the photos were tasteful, and that one was one of few that I would call "graphic". I also deleted it as soon as I decided not to paint it which means he probably had it long before the time I caught him.

 

It is not within my nature to take photos like this for fun or to have on my cell phone. I had no idea this would happen and I'm incredibly shaken. I havent spoken to him in 3 weeks, but if I was him i would have explained why by now. What do I do now?

 

I don't know. I'd move out though. I think if a father accidentally clicked on naked pics of his daughter he'd say "Ahhhh!!!!" and close the folder and never open it again, not somehow transfer them over to his computer.

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I think you need to sit down with your mother and father at the table and talk this through before this gets more out of hand.

Is he a pervert? I doubt it.

Should he have been browsing files on your computer? NO!

 

If I found a file titled "Nude Self Photography" on my daughters computer for what ever reason, as a father I would be concerned.

 

He is probably uncomfortable talking about this to anyone, especially you.

He wasn't touching himself or anything was he when you walked in?

 

This is a terrible situation that needs to be talked about. I am so sorry this has happened.

 

lost

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I think the first thing to do here is slow down and don't make assumptions. There's a possibility for misunderstanding here. If I'm understanding correctly, these photos were on your computer, but because you networked your computer to his, he was able to see them? And you did ask him to print some stuff, so obviously he went into your Photos folder, which I imagine your nude photos were also in. If he saw a folder called Nude Self Photography, it's also possible that he was concerned about what you were doing with the photos (like selling them off to porn companies, or somebody taking advantage of you on MySpace/Facebook, etc). There's a lot of things that could be going through his head if he saw a folder called Nude Self-Photography. When you saw him with the photo open, is it possible that he happened to click on one of the photos and was just in shock that you took that kind of a photo? After all, he wasn't in the middle of doing anything sexual when you walked in on him, right?

 

As for not talking to you, he could just be horribly embarrassed and feel like anything he says right now would just make the situation worse. Sometimes, a person just wants to forget anything they saw or did by just ignoring it and hoping it goes away.

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In resonse to "Has he ever shown this side of him?"

 

I guess it is hard to say whether or not this is within his nature, as soon as I was faced with this my mind raced and I analysed my childhood searching for possible situations which I may have seen as innocent at the time.

 

I am constantly worrying about these past events and I have a lot of nighmares.

He is a very quiet man, he's quite ignorant and self-involved. He used to talk to my mum a lot, but now all this has happened he ignores her too. He has shown, once or twice this side to him. the main one being once when I was very young - I have a vivid memory of him telling me off for not keeping my bits clean and then pinning me down to clean them himself. I have never wanted to hug him since and male family members always make me edgy.

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HOLD THE BOAT here..

 

First... to label the file "nude self photography" as a way to deter someone from looking at them..was really really silly- you should have named it... "choc cake recipe" lol

 

but seriously... it could be a number of reasons that your dad was looking at it..

 

i personally think you are more embarrassed than worried that your dad is a pervert..... and he is most likely embarrassed as well.... but like i said there could be a number of reasons he was looking at it.

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Thank you, this has been extremely helpful.

 

However, I sent the print job to his PC so he had no reason to look through mine. And as I said before the images were buried quite deep - they werent in "my photos", they were in an art folder, within a semester 1 folder, within a module code folder, within an images folder, within a Nude SP folder. the image he had on his screen was deleted long ago, i searched my pc for it and it wasnt in the recycling bin as i empty it regularly.

 

He could be embarrassed and I think he is, but there is no need to lie about it which is where it sparked suspicion for me. I want to confront him, but my mum keeps telling me not to as it will disturb things for her. She is taking this as her problem only though, she doesnt care how I feel and how much I want it over with. I know this is a shock for her too but she needs to face up to it.

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.

how can pictures be artistic when taken yet perverted when looked at. If I saw a file on my daughters computer with that name on it, I dont know what I would do. curiosity would compel me to want to know what was on it but I wouldnt want my daughter to feel violated. I think I would have my wife look. I dont think you should look for any reason to paint your father as a pervert.

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I sent the print job to his PC so he had no reason to look through mine. And as I said before the images were buried quite deep - they werent in "my photos", they were in an art folder, within a semester 1 folder, within a module code folder, within an images folder, within a Nude SP folder. the image he had on his screen was deleted long ago, i searched my pc for it and it wasnt in the recycling bin as i empty it regularly.

 

I'm confused about something. Has your computer been linked to his by the network all along or did you only link it on that day so you could print? Because if you linked it for the first time on that day, i'm wondering how he got into your computer past the password to get that old photo?

 

Do you have 2 separate computers or is it the same computer but different accounts that you log into?

 

Because just in case you havent heard of this, there are spy programs/ parental programs you can download for free that notes down everything typed (called key logging) and some of them even take screen shots! I'm hoping he hasnt done something like that to get your password.

 

Also, have you unlinked the computers now? Because I think you should double check to make sure they aren't and that your not sharing files or something.

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If your computer was linked to his network then he can view your computer same as his own.

 

I am in the same camp as Zeitgeist. I think that he is embarrassed for starters...how does a father respond to his daughter over something like this? I think he is probably ashamed and has no clue what to say, thus says nothing. I think that it is possible he looked at these things for reasons that was suggested here - concerned that his daughter has photos like this and curiosity had him leafing thru them. I am not a man so I dno't know how men think - if this were me and that were my son or daughter's photos i would have clicked CLOSE immediately and then thought about how i would approach him or her (if i thought they were using these in a manner that could hurt them, like posting them online or something - if they were adults and these were their private photos for their use and their partners, I would say nothing at all). IF they walked in while the photo was up before i could close it, i'd have no problem saying that i looked out of concern, but then again - I am a good communicator with my children, and maybe being a mother is easier for this sort of thing. As i said i am not a man, or a father, so i don't know how they would react. And i am sure embarrassment has to be a very big element of his not talking about this at all.

 

If you have no other recollection in your childhood of his impropriety with you (other than the clean up the bits part, that i admit is weird but some parents don't think anything of cleaning a small child there if they thought the child didn't do it properly since improper cleaning can cause infection) then i would be inclined to think this was a very embarrassing misunderstanding for the both of you. Apparently this issue was not entirely perceived as "bad" by you since you stated you had to really search your memory bank for evidence of prior improper behavior. You also stated he is an "ignorant and self absorbed" man....well if he is 'ignorant' as in not very socially savvy with the ways of a modern world then it is further evidence that he simply does NOT know how to react or communicate this latest issue very well so he decides instead to say nothing. This is very consistent with people who are poor communicators.

 

I don't blame you for feeling really violated, however. I can imagine this was also traumatic and embarrassing for you> As CAD stated, this is why it is not a good idea to take photos like that, even when you think they are private. They always have a way of getting out their in public.

 

How old are you?

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I probably can't tell you much about how to feel about your father, but as an IT geek, I can say a little about network shares.

 

1. Aside from having computer skills beyond what I think your dad has, on any modern pc, nobody has access to your stuff unless you share it. Be specific about what you share and, as a rule of thumb, don't share more than you need to. Otherwise you're just asking for trouble (be it viruses, curious parents, whatever).

 

2. If I understood correctly, you said you sent a job to HIS print share. Ok. But that did not require YOU to share anything, just him.

 

3. Labeling something with the word nude in it will get any guy's attention, even dads. Seriously, name it something boring that nobody would have any reason to be interested in.

 

I hope this is somewhat helpful.

 

As for the issue at hand, I'll tell you this. When I was 17-18, I took a bunch of Polaroids of myself similar to yours. Not for art, but more of a curiosity thing (like, what might a girl see ..if I could ever get one). I lost the album they were in.

 

Then years later, my aunt asked my mom if she had a spare photo album. She found on in the garage and gave it to her. My aunt saw my "bits". She returned the album to my mom. I assume my mom ended up seeing the pics too, not that I wanted to ask. My mom returned the album to me upon telling me about how my aunt (and possibly her and others) saw my private pics. I was incredibly embarrassed, though tried to just laugh it off. I was with my gf/wife at the time too. I'm thankful that my aunt has never said anything about it. I really expected it to come up during the holidays or something.

 

I don't know for sure who all saw the pics, and I don't know if they saw all of them or not. But I wouldn't think anyone a pervert in any case. I'm the one who took the pics and I'm the one who was careless enough to let them fall into the hands of others. I'm not proud or ashamed. It's over and done. Nobody ever brings it up except my wife to tease me sometimes.

 

That's hardly the first embarrassing thing my mom has witnessed from me over the years either. I think it helps just to not make a big deal out of it. Don't talk about it. Don't acknowledge it really. Just put it in the past and everybody pretty much gets on with their lives. Works for my family anyway.

 

But on the other hand, I've never had the kind of anxiety towards my parents that you seem to for your dad. I don't know what he did or didn't do, but you already having a negative disposition towards him (and other males) probably doesn't help to "get over it". Not that I'm trying to trivialize things, don't get me wrong. There could well be greater issues here.

 

I don't think there is any question that he feels guilty and humiliated. I don't imagine he would have much interest in talking about it. I'm betting he wishes the whole thing would just go away and and everybody could go back to "normal" (before they judged him a perv). Whether he deserves to get off the hook is up to you I guess. Maybe you both will feel less uncomfortable eventually. Time is usually fairly good about healing wounds, after all.

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that just reminded me of some photos I once had taken it would be hard enough to explane the dragqueen but I cant imagine trying to get my dad past the whole bull whip in my mouth! Wow and to think I did it for a lousy $50.

 

I still think you should give your pops the benifit of the doubt. Ive known too many girls whos fathers were perverts and they had much much more to go on than you do. Dont trash your relationship with your dad over this.

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  • 10 months later...

You should ask him and your mum to sit down together with you to discuss this. Though his early denial to your mum wasn't a good sign, but yes he could be embarrassed. I cannot speak for you as I am a male, but if something like this happens to me I would ask to speak with him to clear it up and make it clear that this could "forever" change how you see / love / respect him as a father for the rest of your life. If he cares enough he ought to do something about it.

 

A few things worry me though, about pinning you down when you were little to clean your 'bits' whatever that implies. The fact that he denied when your mum asked, and how he avoids communication. Another big red flag is the fact that you pictures are filed under so many levels of folders but yet he managed to find it (or copied to his computer, you can see the Date Modified to see roughly when they were copied accross).

 

As mentioned earlier that about computer share, sure no one cannot access what you don't share. But you must always change Administrator account's password as this is usually blank and opened to network access. A hidden share on each computer as far as I know cannot be disabled and if any accounts password are generic (simple / default) then anyone can browse any files on your computer whenever you are on the same network.

 

I recommend changing all passwords on ALL accounts on your computer.

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