Ashamed of the way I'm behaving..

[AWT]

Hi,

 

I've been separated from my wife for 14 months - couldn't have been more amicable and we get on better than ever as friends.

 

I entered my first relationship last November, and was always conscious that I was 'acting out' emotionally and sexually, as though I was watching myself do all this from outside my body. The relationship was so intense, and while my partner fell deeply in love with me I started to feel more and more empty - breaking down crying (especially after sex) but when asked why I couldn't find words for it.

 

So I found myself sabotaging the relationship, becoming distant and constantly saying I was a bad person to know: A shell with no substance inside, no depth. My partner was distraught and eventually ended it last week, but I didn't feel a thing.

 

I know I'm depressed, and am taking medication for it but seem to have lost all self-respect, actively seeking casual sex online (meeting someone next week). I tell my ex-wife it's a 'first date' instead of the shabby truth, but quite frankly the 'me' she has always known is fading away.

 

I don't know why I'm doing this - I'm so ashamed and guilty but seem to be embracing my self-destruction to pay for the way I treated my ex-partner. Has anyone else gone through this sort of thing? I'm afraid of where this is heading and have never been this 'out of control'. I was always shy, sensitive and introverted until this started.

 

Andy

[Seymore]

You should start by canceling your "date". Imagine how terrible you'll feel when you actually go through with it.

 

I go through times where I almost feel like a monster for dumping my ex, even though she abused me. Fifty people can say that I made the right decision, but as soon as one single person says I was wrong - one person who was the furthest removed from the situation, I start wondering and I punish myself. I feel weak, and then I get weak in other things. I have on/off periods of drinking, I even came on here interested in how to look for one-night stands. I always was against those, and I'm not usually a drinker. When I get like this, I feel like shoving the world away, and that's including myself.

 

Is there a reason you need female companionship?

[AWT]

This is so complex, but maybe what happened is that I was taken aback that another person could see so much good in me when I felt like a failure. So I felt I was 'out of my depth' and retreated emotionally?

I know deep down it leads to unhappiness, but I need some sort of human contact yet don't want anyone to fall in love with me again as they'll just get hurt.

[tangi39]

You don't need to feel ashamed for having feelings.

 

It sounds like you simply aren't ready to date right now, and that's okay.

Don't rush yourself. Take the time you need for yourself to heal.

[Seymore]

That could be. Did you have this sense of "unworthiness" with your previous partner - like it didn't matter - you would just end up hurting them in the end? Sometimes thinking that way becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.

 

Do you have friends to hang out with? You said human contact, not female contact...I'm wondering if a good night out with the guys and a little flirting with the girls could help you feel better about yourself, because it sounds like your self-esteem's taken a hit..

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Actually you do have control over what you are doing because clearly you are very self-aware and know that what you are doing is destructive. You just don't want to do anything about it. Cancel that "date" and stop looking for women for relationships or sex. Why did your marriage end? What was your role in the breakdown and what was her role?

[Seymore]

I agree with CAD. You realize it, you just won't do anything about it. I have my moments of "clarity" where I say "What the hell? Why am I drinking? This is ridiculous.", and some moments where I just want to throw it all away, but both are conscious decisions - drinking or not drinking - my own choices.

 

It's almost a vicious cycle - something goes wrong, you throw it all away and feel worse. As a result of feeling worse, you do something you'll regret, then feel bad, throwing any progress away once again.