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Is he being cruel - can we stay friends?


1MoreChance

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I wanted to stay friends but I feel like we cannot.

 

we broke up August 31 (mutual but he was more the dumper) and it's been LC, confusion, mixed msgs...

 

I kept urging him to pick up his stuff, etc., to let me get on with healing. he was very passive.

 

finally I said I wanted NC for 30 days, to clear things up, get space, heal, stop analysing things... he said ok, I broke it cause I needed a favor (I know, I know...) and then he confessed he had been seeing someone for 4 days.

 

but we saw each other a week ago and talked for over an hour and cried and held hands, still confused, etc... i said I need to see other people too, move on, but still love him, he cried, etc... he told me he still has feelings for me, etc etc

 

He has been with this new girl for like 3 weeks,,, and he posted a few I love yous (even after only 1 week of knowing her) to her on his msn profile. I asked him to please not do that, it's the ONLY place I can see them exchange msgs (always him, nealy never her writing "I love you")... i said it hurts so TO PLEASE KEEP IT PRIVATE (emails, texts, calling each other, chatting on facebook or msn, etc etc). He said ok sorry.

 

then I checked again last night and he is writing again to her on that profile. I freaked out yesterday, it was like knife to my heart. I called him and said why are u doing this, u promised, he said "I didn't even think about it before I wrote stuff on there"... he had to hang up to go to work, I was crying... he was cold and rude... but said we'd talk later.

 

he never called me back but he removed her and postings from the profile... which I appreciate.

 

my question is, if he calls to talk, should I pick up, or should I ignore him and scratch him out of my life??? I still love him but I am confused and I want to stay friends but I am angry at him. it is driving me CRAZY. I wnated him back for the longest time, when we met it was very mutually strong and amazing. how can he be telling HER "I Love you" now???? so soon?????

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Hi 1MoreChance

 

Quite a few people wish to remain friends with their ex's, but the problem with this is that it only really works once neither of you still have romantic feelings for one another and as you have found to your cost, all that has happened is that you have allowed yourself to remain confused and hurt.

 

Your best bet really is to cut all contact for the time being. That you will allow yourself a bit of peace and quiet to slowly get over this and with a bit of time you will be more at peace with your situation and begind to see things more clearly.

 

I know it is hard but it really is your best bet. Make sure that you get any unfinished business out of the way so there is no excuse for you to be contacting him. And if he contacts you, either ignore it or tell him to leave you alone for a while. Oh - and stay away from any means of checking up on him, because that will likely only hurt you again!

 

Come back here for support if you feel weak - lots of people on here have been in exactly the same position you are in now and will be able to help you out.

 

Take care of yourself.

 

Mark

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I don't think you can be friends with him as things are now. You need to get to a place where you feel like the breakup is truly for the best for both of you, and then maybe you will be able to be friends. I only have one who I can't be friends or friendly with without feeling any pain and that is because I never felt like the breakup was for the best for me. I never stopped liking and feeling like we'd have a wonderful relationship if we were still together.

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thanks so much.

 

I no longer want to be in contact with him as he hurt me too much at this point.

 

do you think he was cruel in his behavior? I feel like I don't know him anymore. I really stil love him but now am angry. I wnated to work things out but he didn't yet he hung around until he met her. do you think he was cruel to keep posting in a public profile? how could he say "I didn't even think about it" after he had promised?

 

thanks for being kind.

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I think it's cruel for him to dance you around, cry with you etc. all suggesting he still has feelings while romancing someone else in a space that you can see, yes. I think if he had not done that stuff that could have led you on, then he would be doing nothing wrong. But doing that and then going ahead and posting lovey dovey things with some woman (whom he barely knows for that matter...I mean, come on 4 days??) is obnoxious. I think that you should block him on MSN if that's possible (I have no idea, don't have an MSN profile).

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I think it's cruel for him to dance you around, cry with you etc. all suggesting he still has feelings while romancing someone else in a space that you can see, yes. I think if he had not done that stuff that could have led you on, then he would be doing nothing wrong. But doing that and then going ahead and posting lovey dovey things with some woman (whom he barely knows for that matter...I mean, come on 4 days??) is obnoxious. I think that you should block him on MSN if that's possible (I have no idea, don't have an MSN profile).

 

 

thanks Lady! I DO feel he is cruel. I have removed him as a contact but I still have access to the profile. He could make it private but chooses not to. I know he chats with her because right after he met her he modified his name to some cheesy name with "ILuvU" in it and that is the name that comes up when u chat on msn. I know that was for HER. I deleted him fomr my contact list but cannot help going to check his profile as it is still public.

 

this morning he had removed the comments and her from his network... so now he is respecting my wishes but I had to go insane to get that. when I shared my feelings in an adult way and asked repsectfully, he conveniently "forgot" all about it and went posting anyway. he told me he is not being manipulative etc., I don't agree.

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He is just in full-on rebound mode and is being selfish. Of course, there is nothing wrong with him seeing someone else. That is his right. But it's not his right to tell you he has feelings for you, confuse you and then post these things. I don't understand why he thinks that is OK. It's uncalled for. Only advice I can give avoid his profile at all costs.

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You cannot handle his posting on an msn profile to his girlfriend, but are expecting to be friends with him? you won't be able to handle all that right now. You should not take his calls, I wonder what makes you think he's going to call you?

 

You need to take time for yourself, and try to move on from this as you said.

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You cannot handle his posting on an msn profile to his girlfriend, but are expecting to be friends with him? you won't be able to handle all that right now. You should not take his calls, I wonder what makes you think he's going to call you?

 

You need to take time for yourself, and try to move on from this as you said.

 

because he keeps calling me

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Hi again 1MoreChance

 

Ex's are ex's and they often display VERY different behaviour towards you when you are broken up than when you were together. It sucks but it is true that you and your feelings do not rank very highly on his priorities list right now.

 

I know it is as hard as hell but you have the capacity to seize control of your situation right now. Forget about his silly messages and keep the hell away from his profile. The more you can do to help YOU the better.

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I think some people suddenly turn crazy when they break up with someone and lose the ability to display any sort of empathy. On one hand, moving on and dating new people is to be expected. On the other hand, telling you he still has feelings for you, crying with you, even if sincere, which it doesn't sound like it is, is kind of jerky thing to do.

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i really feel for you. I am going through the same kind of thing right now. My ex broke up with me and although he isnt seeing anyone else and said he has no intentions of, he still calls me and tells me he loves me. it really hurts because you think, if you still have feelings why are you doing this whats the point in all this hurt.

but it sounds to me like hes doesnt know what he wants. hes got this new partner whom he says he loves but he wont it will just be his rebound and his way of getting over you. but by calling you its as if he doesnt want you to move on.

 

so defo NC. ignore him completely. I have done the same with my ex and have said unless you want to work on things then dont get in touch. i too want to be friends. but it will prob take me about a year to be able to do that. in the mean time, go out with friends, join a new club, just keep busy. as soon as you feel down just start doing something else to keep your mind of it. it is really hard and im still struggling but if i can do it so can you. and if you ever want to talk i am here. sometimes advice from a stranger is the best.

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first of all thianks everyone, for your help and support. I really thought I would LOOSE my mind this morning,

 

I appreciate your kindness so much. thank you.

 

Miss kitty,

 

I had a chance to read your post before your deleted it. and no it didn't sound harsh. It was direct and it was your point of view. people do need to hear that too, and really there was nothing harsh about it.

 

I noticed you delete a lot of your posts after posting them... maybe you are too hard on yourself regarding the advice and opinions that you post?

 

I did appreciate reading it.

 

Bye

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UPDATE

 

he called me last night to apologize. he was remorseful (he had already removed all coments from his profile).

 

he told me she cheated on himand was otherwise unpleasant and inapporpriate and he broke up with her (yay!!!).

 

he said he regrets leaving me but he is too scared and confused. he still loves me but alos hates me for the hurtful things I did in the relationship.

 

he thinks about us a lot and is crazy confused about whether he made the right decision and whether he will expericence these feelings we had with somebody else. etc.

 

we told each other everhthing we felt, cried, etc.

 

we agreed we cannot be friends right now. he misses me but he is not ready for a relationship and says he nees to take care of himself (ie finish high school) and be on his own and "live his life". He wants me to do the same. i do to but I still miss him so much. I am angry that he left me but I understand. he is only 22. he is just not ready. It's soooooo scary to let go.

 

he told me if you need anything, i'm there, if you need a shoulder to cry on, I'm there, I waited a long time, said nothing, then i said "I apreciate it". he saked what do I do if i see you on msn? do I talk to you? I said "I don't know". he said" I know what to do"...

 

I feel he is keeping all these doors open yet doens, twant to be with me. It's pleasurable yet painful to consider that. Oh well, life is a great journey of joy and pain....

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I guess you know what to do...NC. You can't be friends right now so that's really the only option. Good luck to you.

 

ok please don,t be harsh with me ok???

 

Lady, u sound like a smart and confident person... and you are evry helpful... so if you think I'm dense here be patient, ok???

 

so... I guess sending him a valentine card in the mail would be inappropriate??? being the confused and frightened little bird that he is right now, would that just irritate / scare / xconfuse him furhter? I have a poem that I wrotem it's about I love you but I am letting you go and who knows what the future will bring kind of msg...

 

I don't want to be with him either right now, but I am sooooo scared to completelly let go and loose him and forget him forever,,, I know he is scared too becasue he mentionned "I am always there if you need anything or a shoulder to cry on", "can we talk on msn?"... I feel he is very afraid to let go... I think we are both confused, exhausted and "emotionnally overly dependent" , with low self-esteem...

 

if he comes on msn to chat should I ignore him (and not answer if he says hi), should I aoid him at all cost and why??? just so I don't hurt??? how do you know if there is any chance at reconciliation later on???

 

I am really scared...

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i do not think you should give him anything for valentines. you both know you love each other but are very confused and hurting. if you sent that maybe he'd be even more confused and hurt more just how you felt when he posted those comments with him and his failed relationship. i think you should go NC. I am in the same boat and have only been NC for 5 days! My ex is doing a total rebound right now. I feel better and not kidding thanks to these forum! (even though i love him still) NC really gets your head on straight. For now you just got to let go, the future IS unpredictable but i dont want you to get your hopes up either love. stay strong and after couple days pass im sure youll be feeling okay.

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i do not think you should give him anything for valentines. you both know you love each other but are very confused and hurting. if you sent that maybe he'd be even more confused and hurt more just how you felt when he posted those comments with him and his failed relationship. i think you should go NC. I am in the same boat and have only been NC for 5 days! My ex is doing a total rebound right now. I feel better and not kidding thanks to these forum! (even though i love him still) NC really gets your head on straight. For now you just got to let go, the future IS unpredictable but i dont want you to get your hopes up either love. stay strong and after couple days pass im sure youll be feeling okay.

 

I ma going thru a lot of uncertainty and grieving still... I don,t think I'll send him anything for V day. too much... though I don't understand... how could he be hurt in a similar way as I was, when I do something special and nice for him (V day card), and what he had done was post "I love You" to his other girl (now broken up) on a public profile that I "couldn't help" checking?

 

anyway he apologized, I'm so happy about that. he said she pressured him to write these things, threatened to break up with him, really manipulated him... he's kind of weak... but I still have respect for him. One of the other ways he was weak is he had a VERY hard time standing up for himself and setting boundaries in our relationship.

 

I learned so much through it all... I just wish we could commit to each other... I don't want to go from realtionship to relationship, "happilly" learning everytime...

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You definitely just need to ignore his calls. He should know why. If he can't figure out why, he's either the most insensitive guy on the planet or not the sharpest tool in the shed.

 

thanks for the advice.

 

i really appreciate you coming back to reply.

 

this morning I woke up soooo sad, just thinking "he's not coming back, I wasn't worth sticking around" ... and thinking of how much he did try when things were hard... but yet how I work so hard on myself, but never hard enough it seems...

 

i realised that I am more comfortable with "being the victim" (feeling worthless, jumping to conclusions about what he feels or what will happen), than with feeling my anger at him for leaving. I am really hurt about the fact that he left, and I feel like it will take years to recover from that.

 

I am also just just about to get mny period, and as some other women will be able to relate, I get quite teary and depressed and tired at that point in my cycle. I know it will pass.

 

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Hi 1MoreChance,

i've just read your story and I'm sorry you're having such a difficult time... I too think that you should just ignore him once and for all. You're doing yourself no favours being hung up. Switch off your phone, change your number, delete your social network accounts. These seem harsh but ultimately it gives you no options to keep in contact and for him to contact you. He just doesn't sound like he's stable now and he needs time away to get his head back on straight. so do you. You've read my story in another thread. I've realised that I've been feeling bad and unhappy and guilty the last year because I wasn't able to change myself for my ex. And you know what? I don't want to feel bad any more. A year of feeling bad is just about all I can take. Sometimes relationships make us needy and take away some of our strength cos we're so focused on the other person. But we have to rely on ourselves to create our own happiness. Please do something good for yourself, be strong... you can do it.

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thanks Lady and aglaia

 

I am doing a little better, we talked 3 nights ago and I feel we really finalized everything. I made mistakes in the relationship, he doesn't have to stick around, he doesn't owe me anything. I think he would have left anyway, even if I had bee perfect. Now that he is single again (and when we last talked he clearly said he was really scared of never meeting someone he can feel like he did with me), he may come to realize how much he really misses me and start to fantasize about being back together, but I wouldn't take him at this point. I would tell him the same thing he's been telling me: I need time, I need to get to know myself, I need to work on myself, I am not ready.

 

it doesn't mean there's no hope or that I don't care for him... the other thing that makes me realllly insecure is the fact that he is still struggling through high school and he has dislexia which means it is extremelly hard for him to spell. He also has memory problems and difficulties communication and understanding others at times (he seems to be clreally understanding, but 2 weeks later he'll tell me, "I didn't understand (or remmeber) that at ALL"... and the thing is, I know he is being truthful...

 

did I really sincerelly WANT to stand by him through his problems??? Did I realize the gravity of them and how they challenge him but really, in the end, only focus on myfear of abandonement? I think so. It's like, the whole drama of our relationship became about me feeling insecure about him leaving...

 

I think I do need to change myself, but for me first. and he needs to change himself for him first... anyway I feel like I'm babbling so much. I miss him still and I don't really know what to do except be sad. In the morning when I take my dog for a walk and there is no one on the street, I cry. At night when I go to bed, I cry. I remember him. I hope I don't forget him too soon.

 

Vday will be hard... but will soon pass. I know that unconsciouly I HOPE fopr a message, I hope for even him to come begging for me... it's very selfish.

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