Jump to content

axewound

Recommended Posts

Hello everyone,

 

Let me just start by saying I have an amazing relationship with an amazing man. We have been together for two years now, and it's been great. I have quite a colorful history of depression, suicide attempts and self-mutilation (when I was younger), violence and abusive exes. It's been a hell of a ride through adolescence, but I'm soon to be turning 21 and things are starting to really even out. It's true, that cheesy old saying: love heals. My boyfriend/fiance has been helping me in so many ways; he is a sweet, caring, understanding and a goofball of a guy who has a slight history of depression as well, though not near to the extent I have experienced. We have learned so much from one another and the relationship, while not my first serious, is my first serious HEALTHY relationship, and it feels awesome. I am grateful to him and whatever being saw fit to have us meet as randomly as we did.

He is the first love interest I have ever had that my parents approve of and love, and his parents love me dearly as well. Things are going great; we have our setbacks but he is teaching me not to hold a grudge and our fights never involve low-blows or insults, which is new to me. He has been hurt before quite badly as well, and has also had an abusive ex, so we understand one another a great deal in that respect.

Since I've met him I have gained quite a bit of weight due to an antidepressant, and he still stays true loves me all the same. I was a very petite girl to begin with, now I am normal and more curvy. Neither of us are in the best of shape, but still attractive people and not grossly obese.

(... it was very difficult to admit that about myself. Catch me at the wrong time of the month and you would see the other side of my self-esteem; the decrepit, almost non-existent side. I've had a good day, hence my light-heartedness.)

I do experience jealousy and it's usually irrational and around that time of the month (I'm currently waiting on a diagnosis for PMDD, because I have symptoms of it), but he is wonderful at making me feel comfortable and supporting me when I feel this jealousy. I recognize that it is solely based on past experiences; he is a great person and would not stand for any sort of cheating. My abusive, older ex-boyfriend was also a very jealous guy; I wasn't allowed to have friends, let alone talk to other guys. After a while I it rubbed off and gave me a serious jealousy complex that I have battled over the years.

My jealousy, for a while, was based on him looking at porn and my feelings of inadequacy. I was not used to a boyfriend looking at porn because my first serious ex-boyfriend was sexually stifled and quite abnormal (this is the abusive one) and never, NOT ONCE even when I lived with him, looked at porn with me or even admitted to doing it on his own.

Then my jealousy was about my current boyfriend even so much as being around other, prettier girls. Again: based on my own poor self-esteem and inability to admit that I am lovable. So these small, petty reasons would get in my mind and I wouldn't be able to get rid of them, but we have a very open relationship so we'd talk about them together and even with my therapist sometimes.

That said, I do still experience jealousy, despite knowing that it's irrational. It has lessened a great deal to the point where we can check out girls together, though. I have to admit it's fun.

I am very open-minded when it comes to my sexuality. I love girls and guys, so technically I would be classified as "bisexual" but I don't generally like the term. "Open-minded" suites me better; I fall in love with and am attracted to PEOPLE, not genders. I have had a few girlfriends in the past and several female partners who were just good friends, and absolutely love it. I also enjoy men as well, so I think I get the best of both worlds. Am I greedy?

Damn straight, I am.

Anyways, now that you know a bit of history here's my current predicament:

My boyfriend and I have always wanted to have a threesome, with both a girl or a guy (personally, I would prefer a girl but it could be nice to have two men...). I have explained to him in the past, however, that my jealousy issues were too much to handle for that kind of thing at the time and he agreed and understood where I was coming from. (He doesn't like dealing with a whiney, jealous me anymore than I like being it.) I always expected we'd have one when we're a few more years into the relationship, and told him so.

Recently things have been very good, and I only experience the irrational jealousy up to 7 days before my period when my whole outlook on life becomes tainted. So I wanted to know about anyone else's experience with jealousy and/or threesomes, and to know when is a safe time to go ahead and try for one. Anyone have any advice?

I know we wouldn't have it with someone we currently know, because that has disastrous potential and not to mention no one we know in the area would be interested in it that we are also interested in. (I've moved around all my life, so I have a couple of potentials in old friends/playmates I've moved away from, but I'd rather not go there.)

Any successful threesome experiences in which the relationship thrived afterwards?

One of my main concerns is that sex with just me, after having a threesome, would become boring to him. Any guys experience this?

I have not mentioned my current position on this matter to my boyfriend, so as not to get his hopes up.

Feedback would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks, all.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Recently things have been very good, and I only experience the irrational jealousy up to 7 days before my period...

 

I can't advise on the threesome from experience, but you seemed to skim over one big thing. You say you only experience harsh jealousy for the 7 days prior to period... Are you only doing a threesome dependent on the success of diagnosis and treatment of the potential issue (you mentioned PMDD)? If not, then I can't imagine being with a partner that was gonna eat me alive for 7 days ever month for the rest of our lives (ok.. typical period/PMS joke can be inserted here Being jealous for ONLY 25% of life is way more jealousy than I could take.

 

You will likely find posts of varying success. Some will have been able to handle the jealousy and maintain a healthy relationship. Some will have crumbled from the jealousy. I think, if you're going to be irrationally jealous at all.. those 7 days a month.. that your relationship won't survive it.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I think you need to seriously think how watching your bf do something so intimate and personal with another woman will affect you.

 

I'm not speaking from a judging point of view-actually, my first serious bf was a wonderful guy just like yours. It was for sure, my best relationship. But...we tried an open relationship at one point, and engaged in three-ways and group with some of our friends. It ended up ripping us apart, because I eventually left him for someone else. Probably the biggest mistake of my life-I now realize.

 

You just need to tread very carefully here. Yes, it can be exciting and adventurous, but jealousy is an emotion that evolved in us for a reason-there actually is an evolutionary, biological reason for it, and it's not as easy to overcome as we THINK it is.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Wow, did that once in my 20's, this woman wanted to a 3 some with me and this other guy. We both were at her all evening and by the morning she'd worn us both out!

I admired her stamina as she go up and left us in the morning after we'd being having sex with all night and both of us were shattered. Never again.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

To think others on this forum are going to suit your insecurities with 3 peep deep relations, you are asking a lot, but what do I know right? 2moro is still to come.

 

Could you explain yourself please?

Did you even READ the post? I'm not asking WHERE I can find someone for a threesome, I'm asking for advice. Please don't post if you're not trying to be helpful.

 

Craigslist? REALLY? Sorry, I don't think that's EVER going to happen. Have you ever LOOKED at the people on CL? I have. No, thanks.

 

Again, if you're just going to make snide remarks, please don't post at all.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I think you need to seriously think how watching your bf do something so intimate and personal with another woman will affect you.

 

I'm not speaking from a judging point of view-actually, my first serious bf was a wonderful guy just like yours. It was for sure, my best relationship. But...we tried an open relationship at one point, and engaged in three-ways and group with some of our friends. It ended up ripping us apart, because I eventually left him for someone else. Probably the biggest mistake of my life-I now realize.

 

You just need to tread very carefully here. Yes, it can be exciting and adventurous, but jealousy is an emotion that evolved in us for a reason-there actually is an evolutionary, biological reason for it, and it's not as easy to overcome as we THINK it is.

 

 

Sound advice, and I appreciate it. When you put it that way, I think maybe it's a nice fantasy but perhaps not for us. I'll have to think on it...

Thanks to all who replied.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

There is a nice saying around that I totally agree with "Relationship Broke, Add More People". While this usually applies to polyamory, I think it applies to threesomes also. I am not at all saying your relationship is broke, I just don't see that you are in a place for this to happen. Unless you are 100% secure in your relationship and everything is very much hunky dory, a threesome is not a good idea.

 

I'll also be really honest with you, the threesome+ I've had were all pretty damn boring. It isn't remotely like you'd imagine. I think a lot of folks would agree with me. I really don't plan on having any more. It is just awkward to make sure everyone is getting enough attention, everyone is satisfied, everyone has something to do, etc. Too much of a PITA for very little ROI.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I have had a few (3sums) so I think I can give you a bit of insight. My wife and I traveled this path together. Most of the times have been awesome wonderful experiences. A couple we chaulked up to OK, but we learned something new.

 

The sexual energy that we feel afterwards is probably the best part.

 

You are still early on. Great to communicate openly and honestly with your partner. Keep that going!!!!

 

Jealousy is normal. It is a common reaction/emotion. In order to have a fullfilling sexual encounter (by bringing in someone else), you need to be able to deal with those emotions appropriately.

 

Having 3sums or any "open" relationship is NOT for everyone. Tread this area cautiously. You may be open minded but you might want to reconsider fullfilling this fantasy at this point in time.

 

Personally I would put the idea of fullfilling this on the backburner. Make sure you have your mindset as well as your relationship on a more solid ground. You have to be able to properly deal with insecurity and resulting jealousy. Also if/when you do want to do some things, start off very slowly. Maybe find someone who will "soft" play with you both. Kissing, touching, that type of thing. Then talk about the experience and learn to deal with any resulting emotions. I wouldn't jump right in to full swinging. Ease into it, and make sure you can handle the temperature. The results can be exteremly satisfying, but they can also be exteremly hurtful. A couple that has insecurities / jealousy will have those barriers prevent them from fully enjoying the activity.

 

Keep it as a fantasy for now. Talk about it, role play it, pretend, watch it, then re-examine if you feel you might be ready. And then work into it slowly.

 

(you can send me a private message anytime if you want more info).

 

Good luck.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I kinda disagree-this wasn't my experience at all. Mine were really exciting. It's just, the after-effects - potential jealousy and complications - that can be unpleasant!

 

There is a nice saying around that I totally agree with "Relationship Broke, Add More People". While this usually applies to polyamory, I think it applies to threesomes also. I am not at all saying your relationship is broke, I just don't see that you are in a place for this to happen. Unless you are 100% secure in your relationship and everything is very much hunky dory, a threesome is not a good idea.

 

I'll also be really honest with you, the threesome+ I've had were all pretty damn boring. It isn't remotely like you'd imagine. I think a lot of folks would agree with me. I really don't plan on having any more. It is just awkward to make sure everyone is getting enough attention, everyone is satisfied, everyone has something to do, etc. Too much of a PITA for very little ROI.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

This is good advice, IMO.

 

I have friends who are married who engage in threesomes and the like, and they do as you suggest--go into it like dipping your toe in a pool, to gauge feelings first. They have been together a long time-about 15 yrs or so, and they use it to spice up their relationship.

 

I think if you've been together that long, and you're feeling too settled in your sex life, but you're very stable and secure, it could be a good thing.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Thanks to all who replied, I appreciate it. I suppose I jumped the gun with my post, and should have said something along the lines of "WHEN should I consider this activity?" (Which you've all answered, thankfully.)

I think that easing into it sounds like a great idea when the time comes, as well as waiting until I deal with my jealousies and leaving it as a mutual fantasy for now. It'll be quite a few years, but I can handle it. WE can handle it.

Thanks again, all!

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Thanks to all who replied, I appreciate it. I suppose I jumped the gun with my post, and should have said something along the lines of "WHEN should I consider this activity?" (Which you've all answered, thankfully.)

I think that easing into it sounds like a great idea when the time comes, as well as waiting until I deal with my jealousies and leaving it as a mutual fantasy for now. It'll be quite a few years, but I can handle it. WE can handle it.

Thanks again, all!

 

 

 

Glad you are happy...from my own experiences I wouldnt do it again, was so wound up pleasing her in the end if wasn't any fun.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • 6 years later...
Why Does He Want To See You In A Bi...
Why Does He Want To See You In A Bikini?

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

Guest
This topic is now closed to further replies.
×
×
  • Create New...