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I Love Him So I Can't Love Her Too


Pas DAnglais
What To Do If They Cheat - Do this ...
What To Do If They Cheat - Do this First

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It's somewhat complicated, what I need help with. I moved to this town I live in now almost a year and a half ago. I live up the street from this family that I also (used to) attend church with. Up until summer break, I always hung out at their house when I had issues at home. The family consists of two sons and one daughter, by the way. Well, the younger son and I always got along really well, he always offered to hang when I needed it. Before I came to Christ he and I used to smoke together and then after he supported me through my decisions to devote my life to God. (Sorry if my uber-religiousness makes anyone uncomfortable!) He helped me through a really tough time I went through when I revealed my feelings to a boy and that boy strung me along until getting back with a girl who had cheated on him. This guy was--still kinda is--one of my best friends. Well, summer came along and I started questioning myself. I tried really hard to convince myself that I only loved this guy--let's call him Dave--as a brother, and that's what I told his mom and his dad and his brother and his sister and my mom... etc. And this whole denial thing was working really well for me for a while, y'know? I had it down. Then he started dating a girl who'd made it her life's mission to make everyone around her feel like hell so she could feel better. I remember once when we were friends, I was going through a time when my family didn't have money for clothes, and she was really generous and gave me a couple pairs of jeans and whatnot. Then she went around telling everyone my family was poor and... just nasty rumors. After that, I was dumb enough to let her back into my inner circle and she offered to do my make up (I have low self-esteem, due to a lifetime of mental abuse but that's a story for another time) and I let her and she made me look like a cross between a poorly made-up * * * * * and a racoon. Well, anyway, Dave and Jill get together over the summer and I try really hard to forgive and forget. Because I want Dave to be happy. I really do. But she flaunted him in front of my face. And finally one of my friends got mad at me and yelled in my face something along the lines of "If you only see him as a brother you wouldn't care so quit whining unless you want to tell me something". Well, about a month later (a month of me hanging with Dave and Jill and wanting to die because it finally slapped me in the face that I really and truly love him) he proposes to her. And she says yes. And they live together now. Right down the road. With his family. And they're getting married in May. And there's just something, I don't know what, but it's something I've heard a lot lately. That Jill's going to ruin Dave's life. We still attend the same church and I still hang out with them, but Jill always drags Dave away because for some reason she thinks I'm going to steal him and I'm left to hang out with his brother and sister. That's okay, I love them like family, but still. I want my friend back.

 

Well, I'm invited to the wedding (by Dave's mom. She doesn't care what Jill wants and I think she secretly wants me to be in her place) and I don't want to be all weepy and I was wondering if anyone had any advise on how to just keep myself together? I don't really know what my question is. I can't tell him I love him, I don't want to be the girl who was so selfish she took another girl's fiance. But I have to go to the wedding. I guess I just want to know if anyone else has felt what I'm feeling and gotten through it?

 

Sorry I'm not very together, guys. :sad:

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Would you believe I've never seen that movie? Sad day.

 

We've talked. We talked when they first got together, and none of us (I kinda just looped myself with the family) really like her and have been open about that. I try not to act like a total... not nicely around her but the fact remains that she's vulgar, childish, and tres rude.

 

I also heard rumors of an "intervention" one night when the parents still couldn't stand his idea. But I wasn't there.

 

Wow, I can't believe my life to this point sounds like a Julia Roberts movie. But I guess it could get worse. It could sound like "Pretty Woman" or something... like "Terminator".

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Not the WHOLE movie, just the "my best friend is getting married and I'm in love with him" part of the story.

 

You want your friend back. Do you think that his being with her precludes you from being his friend? Or is it that you want to be his friend in 'that way' that is almost being in a relationship, but not? Or do you want to be with him in a relationship?

 

From what you are saying, it sounds like you were taking him for granted, always assuming that you'd eventually end up together but at the same time not actually doing anything about it. I hate to say it, but you might've lost your chance.

 

I'm really torn though, because part of me wants to say "well, he's made his choice. Suck it up," because even though you've got an 'in' with his family, that they like you already and they don't like her, it really is his decision. But then again, that much conflict between his fiancée and his family will have to hurt. My grandfather always says that he'd married his best friend.

 

Ok. Listen. You've been passive your whole life about him. What if you did actually do something about it?

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I'm most definitely not going to be the one to deny that most of what you're saying is true, I guess. I didn't make the conscious decision that, hey, I don't need to worry bout this 'cause he and I are made for each other but I guess I figured that things would work out perfectly and how they should be.

 

And maybe I should just come to terms with the fact that he chose her and I can't stop it.

 

Forgive me but I don't fully understand your last question. Do you mean what if I had dome something about it before or what if I did something now about it?

 

Sorry...

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Um, wild. If not for your having ties and bonds, I'd just say get outta' town and start clean. At very least I'd say push it to the back burner until it blows over (I'd say it's likely enough to blow over, whether it will take months or years, *shrugs*), and, if you can, push it off the back burner and right into the Garburator.

 

The next observation of mine is just an idea I need to throw out here and not to be seen as a suggestion without clean, sober thought applied invariably. The observation I see in your story is one that reciprocates throughout teenaged lives the world over. Men at his age, or rather, quasi-men, as we really aren't all that bright, are attracted to what seems the most 'forbidden', 'rebellious' and 'pleasurable'. I feel I'm correct in assuming he's been sexually active with her from early in the relationship, and if that's the case, he's been snagged since whenever 'then' was. And I'm also going to assume she's somewhat of the rebellious icon that his growing up under religious and 'prim and proper' rearing have made into an attractive 'forbidden fruit' for which to solidify his individuality from his parents' reign.

 

The direction I'm going is that he sees you as 'friend', and though you may have been attractive to him, you weren't jumping on him and giving him what he wanted [what every male wants naturally, it's DNA; not because we're a-holes] so he just points himself in the direction of wherever it seems to be coming from most readily.

 

In conclusion I'd say your chances are pretty good that if you put him in the sack before the wedding and then subsequently came out with your feelings, he may just revelate quite quickly. If it's more about the rebellious thing, then go back to my earlier suggestion and wait for this all to slide into pieces, then pick up the ones that are left. If his whole thing is about establishing himself and living out his wild young adult days there's nothing you can do but wait for reality to click in and hope it does so sooner than later. Eventually, decently-intelligent people figure out that once they're having to provide and survive and their teenage sex-drive is gone they think a whole lot different about what type of women are most attractive. If he turns out to never be able to kick the attraction to the things about this girl he's into, then cut your losses early, girl, cause he wasn't worth the time you spent arranging your profile and writing this thread.

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