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Does how you were dumped affect your healing?


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I read ENA everyday, but I don't post often.

 

Nearly 3 months ago my ex of almost 5 years dumped me in an email. We were long distance at the time but had lived together in the past, and I was planning on moving to be with him this April. He had visited two weeks before the break up email and I was to visit a few weeks later.

 

I did the typically beg and plead thing and he said he would mail my belongings. I offered to pick them up, but he refused to see me, or even leave them in a mailbox. All I wanted back was a photo album of childhood pictures I gave him. These are pictures I hope to show my daughter or son-should I have children- someday.

 

After over a month of NC I never received it, and I didn't want to send an email since I wasn't certain he would even read it so I called. He said he forgot to send it, and without any prompting he told me he had no regrets and did not miss me and was already dating. I wished him well and resumed NC. This was well over a month ago and I still don't have my album. I've pretty much decided not to ask again for fear of getting more hurt and have written the pictures as a loss. I'm certain I will never see or hear from him again.

 

I've been struggling with this breakup everyday, but what has really damaged me is the cold and cowardly way he did it. Worst of all, I've found out I've become something of an anecdote for one of my friends. I'll run into random people and they'll tell me, "so and so said you were dumped in an email, how harsh!" or this friend will even tell me what someone else's opinions were, regardless of if I know the person or not. I just found this out on Friday and told him that I am very much still hurting and would appreciate he not bring it up if he wants to remain my friend.

 

It's been almost 3 months, I know it is over and that we can't ever go back. My question is: is the manner I was dumped keeping me so down? I've only had two sessions of therapy and I was told it's okay to feel miserable, but I feel like that's all I am. Miserable or numb. I just feel like I have been completely erased.

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I think that if you didn't want the break up or expect it and then hearing they are with someone else in such a short time....it's going to hurt even more.

I was dumped twice by 2 different men by them never telling me it was over. Both men weren't exactly short term relationships either. That was the hardest for me b/c it didn't help with the closure. I was left wondering what the F I did. Eventually, I got over it. Both times after realizing it was better they left that way. lol...

 

I also think it's rude of him not to send your photo album back. For someone who does not miss you or regret the break up, one would think he would atleast return it.

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Thanks for your responses. I've gotten over the idea of "having closure", I've decided my closure is that my existence to him has been completely wiped and that I only have myself. And yes, he did only have crappy words. I deleted the stupid email, but unfortunately I have a pretty good visual memory and the image of my computer screen is seared into my brain. He said he discussed it with all his friends and decided he didn't see a future with me, so I was completely blind-sided.

 

I'm moving in two months, I don't know where yet but my position here is ending. I figure by then I will send a note telling him to ship the album to my parents and include enough money for postage for them to forward it to me. I threw out everything, but I still have a stamped envelope with his address on it, because I was going to send a card back when we were still together. I never memorized his new address of phone number anyways.

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Wow Hamhot....your ex is a complete A-hole. Seriously. If I were in YOUR position

I would have made my closure by emailing or calling to tell him what a total

complete waste of space he is and what a blow hard he is for not having the common decency to mail you your things after a FIVE year relationship.

 

I think sometimes we hurt after being dumped because we think reacting negatively or harshly is going to make our ex;es see us in a bad light. So we suck it up and try to be the "bigger person". Sometimes our ex'es NEED to be told off, especially if they dumped

in a brutal fashion such as your situation. I get SO sick of hearing "don't react or email them because it will only be an ego boost to them" ...UM who CARES what THEY think ??? They gave up the right to ANY common courtesy the minute they walked out. So sometimes the best closure is to get good a pissed off...and tell them exactly what you think!!!!!

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I know no one owes anyone anything and it's their right to leave for whatever reason they choose, but a little empathy would be nice.

 

You said it. I try not to think about him, but I wonder what his mom thinks. He dumped me before thanksgiving, and I'm living in a country that doesn't celebrate it. Nobody called me, so I freaked and called his mom. She had been through a divorce, and she told me that she turned to her two sons to cope. I wonder how she would respond knowing how her son is treating me?

 

Then I remind myself not to wonder, not to bother, and to focus on myself. It REALLY doesn't help having people I barely know bring it up to me though.

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.

 

It's been almost 3 months, I know it is over and that we can't ever go back. My question is: is the manner I was dumped keeping me so down? I've only had two sessions of therapy and I was told it's okay to feel miserable, but I feel like that's all I am. Miserable or numb. I just feel like I have been completely erased.

 

Wow...5 years and he can't even talk to you on the phone, let alone in person? Sounds like he didn't want to hear what you had to say about the situation at all. I would be VERY upset, especially if I had no clue that this was coming. I think it is perfectly understandable that it would take you longer to heal. How can you get any closure? One thing to remind yourself is that he is a TOTAL JERK. No matter what good qualities he might have, to just dump you so cowardly and selfishly proves that he sucks. Write him off as a total creep and make sure everyday that you remind yourself what a nasty person he is for doing this to you!

 

The way I was dumped wasn't nearly as bad as yours, but I still didn't see it coming. We weren't having problems in our relationship at all. He was about to graduate college and I was excited that we'd be getting married soon. Then he suddenly drops the bomb on me that it's over and now it's been 3 and a half weeks. He only called once to verify that it's over and said maybe someday we can talk again (but not get back together). OUCH!

 

So I do think the way someone dumps you affects how you get over them. If it was some abusive guy who had been threatening to end it for a month or more and finally ended it in person, it'd probably be easier to get over, but when it's a nice guy who just suddenly ends it out of the blue or someone emails you and gives you no chance to explain, or a childhood sweetheart who ups and cheats...I would think those would be harder to wrap your head around.

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I think that if you didn't want the break up or expect it and then hearing they are with someone else in such a short time....it's going to hurt even more.

I was dumped twice by 2 different men by them never telling me it was over. Both men weren't exactly short term relationships either. That was the hardest for me b/c it didn't help with the closure. I was left wondering what the F I did. Eventually, I got over it. Both times after realizing it was better they left that way. lol...

 

I also think it's rude of him not to send your photo album back. For someone who does not miss you or regret the break up, one would think he would atleast return it.

 

OMG your last line at the bottom about not needing sex because life is always screwing you....I thank you for the laugh....that is a great quote....hahaha...you made my day on that one!!

 

Cheers to you....I am still laughing

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When I broke up with my bf of 5 years I didn't beat around the bush...I said it to him right in his face. The person I thought he was isn't the person that he really is....I only imagined it.

 

At the moment of the breakup he was telling me all these plans for us to go on a romantic Christmas holiday, and how we were going to get a place together and how he was going to fix up my truck, several weeks prior gave me an engagement ring, he was real affectionate with me and wanting to make love all the time, giving me tons of gifts, showing me the blue prints of the house he was going to build me...he wanted to marry me in Cinderellas castle at Disneyland.........BUT, after 5 years of his drug addiction I didn't want to hear anymore plans.

 

Timbland said it best, "It's to late to apologize".

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yeah i was dumped in a one minute phone call ... then made to feel as if i was the dog poop to be scraped off her shoe, as she stepped on me on her way to him, just weeks after telling me she needed time alone ... no closure, no explainations, just " i'm sorry " .. and when i displayed anger at the mess she made of me, well then i'm the bad guy .... I'm not sure if i'll ever be the same person i was before her ....

 

i think maybe we should be glad we found out they are cold hearted before it went any further ....

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My ex dumped me twice by letter, i think it`s the coards way out. The last time i seen her she was pregnant, she had a miscarrage And in the ettershe say`s , if we ever bump into each other, we should be friendly and no more as we are adults. Im trying to keep out of her way, because i cant go from last time seeing her pregnnt to, "hi hope you are ok etc"

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My ex dumped me by phone - I was asking "well can I come at your place so we can talk?" but she wanted to go out with her "friend". I don't get why and how dumpers become so cold-hearted with persons they used to be so close with. It's ok to not give false hope, but at least show some respect to the person you spent years of your life with.

 

I did send a "bigger person" text which was like "I hope we'll both be happy in the future" and it made me feel good, of course she didn't answer and once again I was shocked.

 

When she called me (a couple weeks after the breakup) to tell me she was dating someone else (even if I asked her to please not call me ever again) I finally told her to * * * * OFF and that she was a complete * * * * * . It did make me feel better and it was the truth afterall. You don't treat someone who you LOVED and who loved you like garbage, unless he was abusing!

 

The bottom line is: * * * * ex's. And yes, I think they way you get dumped does influence your healing as a big part of the pain the dumpees feel derives from the ego being turned to shreds and self-esteem going underground.

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Well I guess all your responses reinforce my miserable feelings. I feel like I'm backpedaling though, I can't even walk down the street without wanting to cry. I used to be such an independent and confident person, and this break-up has completely shattered my self esteem.

 

I'm not even that close with my mom, but yesterday I asked her if she could call me every morning, since I live alone and now I'm worried that if something happened to me nobody would notice. I hate feeling so insignificant.

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Well I guess all your responses reinforce my miserable feelings. I feel like I'm backpedaling though, I can't even walk down the street without wanting to cry. I used to be such an independent and confident person, and this break-up has completely shattered my self esteem.

 

I'm not even that close with my mom, but yesterday I asked her if she could call me every morning, since I live alone and now I'm worried that if something happened to me nobody would notice. I hate feeling so insignificant.

 

Hey hamhot, hang on in there.

 

Remember - HE has the problem not you. He should have treated you with more respect. He is the weak and sad one. NOT you.

 

MY Ex ended things after two and half years by just cutting me off dead.No explanation, no actual dumping, just a sudden and continual refusal to see me or speak to me. Most of the time its doing my head in and i do believe a bad 'dumping' does knock you all over the place.

 

But as bleak as I feel - i KNOW now I am the better person and I am sure you must know this too. So we will get through this- and be better off without them. Of that Im sure.

 

PM me if you'd like someone to mail. Am happy to keep in touch and help if I can.

 

take care

 

c.

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I never even got dumped, I had to do it (she went with someone else). After so long with someone that I really loved it was hurtful and confusing to have things go from one extreme to another. We were so close but she never called me 1 time to see how I was(granted I was pretty upset so it probably wouldnt have been pleasant) or talk or anything. I think it did make it a lot harder.

 

You do get better tho, you just have to plod through it. Keep going in a positive direction and you will get there.

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I know exactly how you feel. Dumping over an email is low and cowardly, especially after 5 years. My gf of 4 months just broke up with me over the phone, and I thought that was pretty low. When I told her that it was f'd up that she did it over the phone she didn't see anything wrong with it. I told her it was cowardly and immature. So hang in there I'm wrapping up day 1 of the post breakup and its been hard but I'm doing it. Today was the first day since I met her that I haven't had any contact at all with her.

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There is a lot of truth being spoken here. I agree that ending a relationship should be done face2face.

 

I've been through the being dropped by email thing a few months back and it does make it harder. The part I found hurt the most was the fact that you feel like you're left out in the cold in your underware, searching for the keys in the snow to get back inside.

 

Now for the + side folks! It may take longer to heal/the fog to clear, but when that happens, you can look back at the situation/person and laugh at how pathetic & weak THEY were.

 

We learn more from the tougher times, so there is no doubt that we come out on top. Suppose in a perverse way we can thank them for that....

 

Nah, on second thought, maybe not!

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I don't have much to offer you other than complete empathy. My ex-ex who I was with for 7 1/2 years dumped me via email as well. The best thing about that was that I was so disgusted by his cowardice that it killed every tender feeling I had ever felt for him. I never looked back. It's been almost 5 years. I promise that you will look back in gratitude over the way he handled you. It's his weak character. It has nothing to do with you. I'm sorry that you haven't received your sentimental items. What a creep.

 

The new ex, not the same. It's been 2 1/2 months since our 4 year relationship ended and I am still struggling. We just talked again on the phone today. It's brutal. It doesn't matter how many conversations, how much closure, how civil it is, how much we care about each other, the fact is that I'm still in love with him and we are not together because he is choosing not to be with me. Go figure.

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Oh, and my best girlfriends refer to me as "post-it girl", like the Sex and the City episode...with total love of course, they hate him. If you have the chance to watch that one, DO IT! I now find it hysterical.

 

Okay, that made me smile. Not, of course, at the way you were treated by the ex-ex, but how your friend labeled it with love.

 

Seriously, Sex and City makes so much more sense after you've been dumped once. In a way, I suppose, it is a right of passage.

 

Hamhot, hon, I want to reach out and hug you! I understand where you are coming from. While I was dumped face-to-face, it was very sudden and he became very cold afterward when I needed to move out, etc. At 3 months past, I was a wreck. I cannot even begin to tell you all the stupid stuff I did from Jan to now, including getting scammed out of money because I was thinking with my heart (long story, I am in the process of hopefully getting the money back crossed ).

 

Now, a month later, I am a different person. I just stopped myself and took a deep breath. I stopped being angry, I stopped questioning. I just listened to me...and when I finally did that, I felt freer. I, too, live on my own and that can be so lonely. I've been cleaning and reorganizing things a lot and I hate cleaning! Perhaps it is a way to physically show how I am "cleaning up" my life.

 

I, too, started therapy. I've also gone twice and I'm at least going to go another time. The rejection I felt from my ex made me realize how it just brought up every other time I'd been socially rejected. I'd never seen a therapist about it any of those times, and this time it just boom! hit me like a ton of bricks.

 

Sharing here will help. Time will help. I hate that saying because it is so hard to believe when you are hurting so very deeply. It sounds hollow, like it should be easy. But time isn't easy, especially since after a break-up patience is a virtue that disappears for many. We all want to get him/her back or to be able to magically forget him/her because it would just make the pain disappear right away. I'm not healed, but I get a little bit closer every day. And I have no doubt that you can to.

 

I didn't mean to write a book! And if you ever move to Boston area, you can look me up .

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Thanks, Jennamajig. What's weird is I think I was better a month or even two months ago, because at least then I could put on a brave face for most of the day and feel my feelings at home. Now it seems I cry during my run, or I'll let out a little sob while walking home.

 

Like I said before, it doesn't help that I'm referred to as the "one who got dumped in an email" but at this point I'm trying to let that go.

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People get dumped in all ways so don't let that define you. Being dumped hurts, period. And especially so when done in such a cold manner. And don't question your healing progress too much either. I think it will be obvious to you when you've gotten stuck and aren't moving forward, but I also think it's perfectly normal to have setbacks one or two months in where you just start crying out of the blue. Just let the tears come, accept them, and when they're done know that it was another step forward and part of the grieving process.

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