How do you tell your kids?

[disturbed_dad]

Title says it all.

 

After a 25 year marriage, how do I tell my 3 children I want to leave their their mother?

 

My children are aware and very smart but they don't know the depths of despair I'm feeling at the moment and I just don't know how to broach the subject.

 

We have been at each other for our entire marriage in one way or another and things have come to a head recently. I can't sleep I'm so sick and confused about the whole thing.

 

There are no infidelity or violence issues, but I just need to get away and remove myself from this situation. I have never felt so miserable or torn. I just want to get away and give myself some peace.

 

Honestly, my wife and I have absolutely nothing in common any more and I am so over the whole thing. I have no idea how we have lasted together so long.

 

Please help.

[JeckyllNHyde]

Does your wife feel the same? How old are your childeren?

 

It's hard. I haven't experienced my parents getting divorced but I did experience my dad leaving his gf (mom passed away when I was younger) who was like a mom to me. I took it kind of hard.

Sounds selfish but I kept wondering how things would change for me. I was a bit younger then.

 

If your kids are a bit older (in their twenties) it may be a bit easier explaining it. My bf's dad recently broke the news to him. And my bf was nothing but supportive. His son was the only person he had to lean on at first and it really helped with adjusting to it all, even brought them MUCH closer. After that he began dating (lucky guy I guess).

 

Just try explainging to your childeren that you will try and make as little as possible change between you guys. That's one of the most important things. And if they are adults (over 18 ) I'm really sure they will understand if you tell them how unhappy you both have been all these years. I'm sure they have been aware of it.

[disturbed_dad]

Thanks for your quick reply.

 

My children are 9, 14, and 18 and it is the youngest one I worry about the most. They are such smart kids and quite worldly and I'm sure they are aware of at least some of the tension between us.

[JeckyllNHyde]

At 9 I lost my mom. But I was pretty smart I guess back then and I'm so sure your 9 yr old is too. Specially nowdays with kids growing up and maturing fast.

 

I think what they need to know right now is that you'll do your best to not let the living changes affect them too much. Could you maybe find a place to move into close by? At last that way the change isn't so shocking. And you won't miss out on too much with them.

I think this divorce may even bring you guys closer then ever.

[Sweet Venus]

Disturbed dad, I am sure your kids have felt the tension in your household. Kids are pretty smart. Thay are also quite adaptable. Have you discussed leaving with your wife?

Is she aware you feel this way?

[PsychGirly]

My parents divorced when I was 9, so I know how it feels to be told that mom & dad are no longer gonna live together.

 

I can tell you a few things:

 

1) It helps a lot if you & your wife talk to them together. My father surprised me by saying "I'm gonna move out", & it left a bad impression on me. Had my parents thought it out more carefully, it would've been much easier to handle.

 

2) Make sure you explain it to them in terms they'll understand. For the 9 year old, say something along the lines of, "When two people love each other, they decide to get married and start a family. Unfortunately, sometimes these two people change and they don't get along anymore. That's what's happening with your mom and I. We love you guys, & we both still want to be there for you...we just can't live together anymore." To the older ones, be very open and honest with them. Tell them exactly how it is & explain to them that it has nothing to do with them. Kids tend to feel guilty. We feel like we should do something to help, when it's out of our control.

 

3) After you talk about the divorce, make sure you & your wife still work as a unit when it comes to the kids. Don't make them middle-men by asking them to pass messages from one parent to another. Don't speak bad about the other parent.

 

4) Spend as much time as possible with the children, especially when you first separate. It's important that they know that the divorce isn't going to change the way you feel about them. It's also important that they understand that just because you're going to be living separately does not mean you won't be spending time with them.

 

I hope this helps. I've been through it as a child, & I know how frustrating it can be. As long as you maintain your love & support for them, it shouldn't change anything.

[unabashed]

When my ex-husband and I separated, we spoke to the kids together. We waited to tell them until all the details had been worked out about the separation. We didn't want them to feel that they were at fault or had anything to do with our feelings about each other. All the things that PsychGirly said are really important.

 

It is five years later, and the kids are doing pretty well. They miss being a family, together, but they have adapted to the changes.

[disturbed_dad]

Thanks everyone.

 

I know it's not going to be easy and I'm sick with the thought of it. I want my kids to know that I'm 'leaving your mother...not you!".

 

I'm trying to find a place to rent nearby to start over. I will leave my wife the house and all possesions and give her my car. I will take nothing exept clothes and personal belongings. But it's a huge thing to do. I want to cause as little disturbance as I can. I have to buy everthing to fill a house from scratch.

 

My wife is very aggresive and confrontational, nothing like the girl I married. She will hate me. I honestly don't think that I can have an adult and calm conversation with her any more.

 

We argued over Christmas and she told me to get out and take our son with me. As soon as I told her that I would go and leave her everything she quickly 'changed her mind'. "How can you throw a 25 year marriage down the drain, etc, etc?"

 

This is what I am dealing with on a daily basis. I am honestly miserable with the constant pattern of ups and downs that we have grown into and live every day.

 

I just so need to get away, (run away maybe?) from this mental torture and clear my head.

[Pas DAnglais]

The fact that you care enough to seek help is encouraging. I think that you just need to sit them down and talk. Always be open with them because your kids want that. Believe me. My father (sister's father, raised me) just up and moved out and my parents didn't tell me until months later why I never saw daddy anymore. Even if your kids don't understand now, they will someday.

 

Or that's how I'd feel.

[abitbroken]

Do not tell your children that you are "thinking about leaving their mother." Because that puts the kids in an awkward situation of being secret keepers, counselors, or confidants. This is a marital decision, not theirs. I also feel that if you tell them before their mother is clued in, that you could harm the relationship with the children. it would burden them to know something their mom doesn't and they will either decide they don't trust you/don't have as strong of a relationship with you because they feel betrayed by you or this could create ill feelings between them and their mother too).

 

I agree with the idea that if you BOTH decide to divorce, you tell the children then. If one decides they want to leave the marriage, the other one has the right, I think to ask the other to go to counseling.

 

Even if you ultimately decide to end the marriage, because of the children, it must be done amicably. when you have gone to counseling, etc and decide you can't make it, both tell the children.

 

If you have been 'at eachother' the whole marriage, perhaps one or both of you never learned healthy communication patterns, how to argue well, or maybe needs aren't being met. i think that is worth looking at, and you could end up saving your marriage, or at the very least ending things in a more healthy way than dad coming to the children and saying "i am thinking about leaving your mom..." their mental state is very important in this. You are a family, not just a man and a woman.

[AutumnBorn]

I agree with everyone who said you don't tell the until you're actually leaving.

 

Have you been to counseling? Didn't help me, but it could help you.

 

Is your wife feeling the same way? Perhaps this could be more amicable than you might have thought.

 

When and if you do decide you have to leave, you have to tell them with your wife and let them know that nothing horrible happened to precipitate the split, that your relationship died a natural death, and nothing that anyone can do can make it whole again. (Yes, I lied to my daughter about it to protect her - not her father.) I think it also helped her to hear that while some things will change, many things won't. And, surprise, surprise, some things are even better for her with us living apart. Our son was 20, in college, but it was still emotional for him, too, and he's a bit manipulative about events he thinks his father should be involved in and isn't, but that's how it is. They cling to what's familiar.

 

We told our kids that no matter what, we're all still family. Our girl, just 13 then, soon learned that there would still be lots of time that we all spent together - holidays, dinners, school events, shopping, and movies, her dad still comes over to help around the house. It's all so much more relaxed and really warm and more pleasant for me. It isn't always easy, but we are still very much a family unit in many ways.

 

I wish you luck with your situation. You really do need to work your way out, not walk out, so I recommend counseling before you do anything.