metrogirl Posted February 8, 2009 Posted February 8, 2009 Infidelity Advice: 5 Things You Shouldn’t Do If He’s Cheating On You By Ruth Houston Most women react blindly when they first discover that out their husbands are having an affair and end up doing things they later regret. This article looks at 5 things you shouldn’t do and examines the reasons why. This may be the most important article you’ll read about dealing with your husband’s affair. There’s plenty of information available on what to do if your husband is cheating. But very little has been written about the things you shouldn’t do during those first few hours or days. You’ve just discovered that your husband is cheating. You’re not sure what to do. Before wrestling with that decision, let’s focus first on what you shouldn't do. Most women react blindly when they find out their husbands are having an affair. They let fear, anger, hurt, or a desire for revenge compel them to do things they later regret -- things which make it difficult or impossible to implement any worthwhile infidelity advice they may later receive. This article will keep you from making a mistake that could sabotage the course of action you eventually decide to take. Regardless of whether you decide to leave your husband or stay with him and try to work things out, doing the wrong thing at the outset can make a bad situation worse. Let’s look at 5 key things you SHOULDN’T do and examine the reasons why. 1. Don’t put him out or leave him - yet. Instead of your first move, putting your husband out or leaving him should be your last resort. You may eventually decide to do this, but for now, it’s the worst thing you can do. Right now you need to keep a close eye on what’s going on. It’ll be easier to do that if the two of you are still living under the same roof. If you put him out or leave, you’ll be hard-pressed to know what he’s doing, short of hiring an investigator. As long as you’re still together, you can keep your finger on the pulse of his affair and gather some much-needed facts. There’s a lot you need to know about the situation before you can make an intelligent decision about what to do. Continue monitoring your husband’s activities, attitude, the frequency of his contact with his lover and any other details concerning his affair. Write everything down in a journal for future use. Also bear in mind that as long as he’s still there, you have a chance to work things out. 2. Don’t tell the whole world about his infidelity. It’s natural to want to confide in somebody about your husband’s affair, or rally friends and family to your side. But be very cautious about who you tell. The female friend you confide in could turn out to be the “other woman.” Make sure you’re confiding in someone you know you can trust. Confiding in a male friend about your husband’s affair could complicate the situation. There are men out there who take advantage of women when they’re in a vulnerable state. Telling your husband’s friends or family may not produce the results you want. They might not take you seriously, or they may lie, make excuses for him, take his side, or warn him to cover his tracks. Confiding in your own family and friends can eventually come back to haunt you. Elephants aren’t the only ones who never forget. Some people have a tendency to remember unpleasant events long after they’ve been resolved. If you and your husband decide to reconcile, they could make things difficult by harboring anger and hostility toward him for what he did to you. Or they may show resentment toward you for taking him back. Exercise caution in who you tell about your husband’s affair. 3. Don’t ignore his affair or pretend it’s not happening. Going into denial will only make matters worse. As traumatic as it is to find out that your husband has been cheating, you need to face the reality of the situation. Ignoring his infidelity gives him the go-ahead to continue his affair. Pretending it’s not happening will make him think he’s getting away with his cheating, or give him the impression that he has your silent approval. At some point you should inform your husband that you know about his affair and make it clear that you want it to stop. The sooner you confront him about his cheating, the better. The longer you wait to bring it up and express your disapproval, the more attached he will become to the other woman. And the harder it will be to get your marriage back on track. Remember too, that affairs thrive in secrecy. Sometimes, just telling your husband you know about it, will be enough to put a stop to his affair. 4. Don’t confront him without the 3 P’s – Proof, a Plan, and a Purpose. Most experts agree that you should confront your husband about his cheating. But you need to have a plan. Choose the time and place carefully so you can discuss the affair at length without interruption. Do not ask your husband if he’s cheating. Cheaters lie. Present the evidence you’ve gathered that proves he’s having an affair - names, dates, places, times, absenses, phone calls, physical evidence, etc. Then ask him some pointed questions about his affair: why he did it, how it started, how long it’s been going on, how he feels about the other woman, what he intends to do now that you know. Listen carefully to his answers so you can accurately assess the situation. Then you’ll be able to make a wise decision about what course of action to take. Do not confront your husband without proof of his infidelity. To do so will be a colossal waste of time. Unless you can prove he’s been cheating, the information-gathering phase will never get off the ground. If you need proof, there’s a way for you to get it without hiring a detective or buying software or surveillance equipment. “Is He Cheating on You? - 829 Telltale Signs” will help you find all the proof you need using only your eyes and ears, your personal knowledge of your husband, and the information in this book. 5. Don’t waste your time and energy on the other woman. One of the worst things you can do is become obsessed with the other woman. It’s natural for you to be curious about her, but she’s not worth your time and energy. Repeatedly questioning your husband about her, referring to her or dragging her name into the conversation puts the spotlight on her instead of on the real issues where it belongs. Don’t obsess over the details of what happened between the two of them. Concentrate on working things out between the two of you. Do not humiliate or frustrate yourself by calling or confronting the other woman and demanding that she leave your husband alone. She’s not obligated to take orders from you. Harassing her or threatening her will put you on the wrong side of the law. Name-calling, criticizing or belittling her will only make your husband come to her defense. You’ll be driving them closer together instead of forcing them apart Forget about the other woman and focus your energy and efforts on getting your marriage back on track. Will you end up sabotaging your marriage or saving it? The final outcome depends on the way you handle things when you first discover your husband’s affair. In the initial stages, you may be unsure exactly what you’re going to do. But at least you know what NOT to do. Whether you stay with your husband or leave him, avoiding these mistakes, leaves the way clear for whatever decision you eventually make.
LBP Posted February 9, 2009 Posted February 9, 2009 Good stuff, except for the insane line about men taking advantage of women in a vulnerable state. Even women who are suffering from an affair are obliged to take responsibility for their actions. You never hear about women taking advantage of vulnerable men.
laisla Posted February 9, 2009 Posted February 9, 2009 #4 has some really, really good advice....if nothing else is followed, at least that should be.
D_Lish Posted February 9, 2009 Posted February 9, 2009 I think even if you put them out, they will come crawling back if it's you they really want. And if you don't put them out, they will leave regardless and when produced with evidence...if they prefer the OW. I personally wouldn't want to work on things with a cheater....nor would I be desperate enough to want to keep him at home, by following this advice.
tangi39 Posted February 9, 2009 Posted February 9, 2009 I agree with this article for the most part, except for some of the points in #5 I think if you are to reconcile, you do need to know what happened between your spouse and the OW/OM. There's a huge difference between : We met up once and kissed- OR - We were having sex every day for 5 years. I agree that you don't need to obsess, but I do think you need to know exactly what went on. Only then can you figure out together WHY it happened and if it is something you can work past.
metrogirl Posted February 9, 2009 Author Posted February 9, 2009 I think even if you put them out, they will come crawling back if it's you they really want. And if you don't put them out, they will leave regardless and when produced with evidence...if they prefer the OW. I personally wouldn't want to work on things with a cheater....nor would I be desperate enough to want to keep him at home, by following this advice.[/QUOTE] I understand this notion however I know there are many many women that will likely want to work it if for nothing more than financial reasons.
D_Lish Posted February 16, 2009 Posted February 16, 2009 I understand this notion however I know there are many many women that will likely want to work it if for nothing more than financial reasons. Never thought of that....lol I gave a cheater two chances and he ended up cheating again, which is why I'm of the mindset I am now I guess....and these days a cheater wouldn't get a second chance with me.
EQD Posted February 16, 2009 Posted February 16, 2009 man i do not agree with the first one at all. i suppose it depends on the values of the person who has been cheated on. imo there is nothing wrong with having the 'one time only' standard. Although i have recently experienced what can happen if you fly off the handle before getting the facts straight.... so unless its obvious....
clh Posted February 20, 2009 Posted February 20, 2009 I like the article. Not everything it says matches my views, but most of it is pretty good advice. I cannot personally stay with someone who cheats on me, but I guess some people can - and that is what is best for them. What I liked in the article was the point made that if you stay, you can get more proof. And - you should have proof before confronting him or her.
servedcold Posted February 22, 2009 Posted February 22, 2009 I disagree with the article, almost in it's entirety. First, once you have solid proof of cheating, the consequences should be immediate and severe for the cheater. Their comfortable dual reality should be shaken to its core. Who cares if you can't keep an eye on them under the same roof, it's an illusion that you can maintain better control with them in the house. You have to let them know immediately that the situation is completely unacceptable and that there are real consequences to their actions. Having them around will be a constant reminder of what they have done to you, put them OUT. Second, again only if there is very strong proof, tell everyone you know. Don't harp on it, or wallow in it, but let each and every one of your mutual acquaintances know about the situation. This will prevent the cheater from creating an alternate reality among mutual family and friends that you are somehow to blame for the cheating, which they will do to bolster their facade. Don't give them this opportunity to split your mutual connections into two camps. Third, don't discuss the affair at all with the cheater. Take the attitude that there's nothing to be said, it's wrong, end of story, there is no leg for any rational discussion to stand on. Discussing it rationally will allow them to blame shift and rationalize to the nth degree, making you feel bad or confused. Also, the nitty gritty details will make you feel worse, even though you may have a strong desire to know them. Finally, in such situations, the cheater must be given a taste of what it is to truly lose you and the comfort you provide. Let them go to the new person for everything they were getting from you. This in itself will often be enough to scare the OM/OW away, as they have been enjoying only the good sides of life with your SO/mate, the fantasy and not the reality. IMO, many people become serial cheaters when they feel they can get away with the behavior, and that there are no immediate, harsh consequences. The steps suggested in the article allows leeway where none should be given.
clh Posted February 23, 2009 Posted February 23, 2009 I respect the points you have made servedcold. When I was reading the points about not saying anything, I drifted off their point a bit and was thinking about how it is better to not say anything right away if you cannot get out right away, and if you need time to make copies of documents and need to close credit cards and things like that. I really appreciate the point you make about not discussing the affair (or for me, it would be the cheating activity as he is paying for sex).
JadedStar Posted February 23, 2009 Posted February 23, 2009 I tihnk this all goes in line with what I have advised people in the past and that is don't allow knee jerk reactions to move you. Always allow logic to come first and dno't make irrational first moves. First off you are not entirely sure if they are cheating and if you make a quick move based on emotion you can either look irrational yourself, OR if he is cheating you lose any type of leverage to find out the proof you need first.
JadedStar Posted February 23, 2009 Posted February 23, 2009 The way i took the article to mean was that this was only a 'suspicion of cheating' and not any solid proof. Secondly, i disagree with telling everyone you know. there is no need to bring everyone you know into your marital issues. You should think pragmatically and try to sort it out and plan a strong exit strategy when you have real proof. Once the two of you are properly separated if you feel comfortable sharing wth others, then at that time do so.
servedcold Posted February 23, 2009 Posted February 23, 2009 Wanted to clarify that my post was an opinion on marriage where the cheating was pretty much proven, so as JS points out, my reading of the article may not have been 100% accurate (on a second read). As far as telling people goes, this is the advice given by the larger infidelity sites. The point is not to air your laundry, but to get the affair out in the light of day where it is most likely to wither and die. Bad behavior in marriage and relationships gets too little social scrutiny these days. Before television, our communities were strong, as social pressure kept lots of otherwise bad actors in line. In my grandparents time, cheating on a spouse might get you run out of town, and the cheating rate and associated social costs then were quite low.
JadedStar Posted February 23, 2009 Posted February 23, 2009 I would only share the infidelity if I knew without a shadow of a doubt it occurred, or i was certain enough to leave, and even then i would only share with a select few because i really wouldn't want to air my dirty laundry all over town. Most people are only interested to hear the gossip and I wouldn't care to give them fodder to discuss over dinner. So long as I knew i was taking care of myself and getting out of the situation i would not be real interested in everyone and his brother knowing the situation. It wouldn't help me in any real way for everyone to know. And i wouldn't want anyone's sympathy, or sneers (and even victims in these cases garner sneers because people can be simple for the most part). MOst people live in a large enough town these days that telling all your friends won't really do much damage to their rep, it only serves to give them fuel for gossip.
servedcold Posted February 23, 2009 Posted February 23, 2009 That would be my inclination also, JS, but after being cheated on a couple years back, I read into those sites, and one of the main indicators of the ability of a marriage to survive cheating is how quickly the affair can be shut down, and the infidelity gurus kind of changed my mind with the scorched earth expose to the light of day tactic. Odds are, by the time cheating is aired out, the affair is already gossip fodder, just that the spouse and certain key family members and friends are the last to know. BTW, anyone who is cheating should read those sites, just google infidelity to find them. They are a chronicle of the horrible things cheating does to so many lives in our culture. Cheating causes massive social costs that should be addressed in states' domestic relations laws, and if the epidemic continues, imagine they will be one day.
JadedStar Posted February 23, 2009 Posted February 23, 2009 I think one thing we both can agree on is that cheating - for lack of a better word - stinks.
Recommended Posts
Archived
This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.