Backslide

[peace_lily]

So it has been about 71 days NC. I just now counted and haven't counted for about 2 weeks. This is a long post. Thanks for your patience.

 

I miss my ex like crazy. I don't want to be in a relationship with him, but it's the anniversary of his dad's death tomorrow and it's so hard to accept that he might not need me, that he might not think of me that often or even at all. I just want to protect him and care for him in case this is a difficult time for him and yet I know that I cannot contact him. I worry that he will think I am a cold and heartless person for not sending a two sentence note that says "sorry about your dad. I hope you're okay."

 

But I know if I sent a note I would want a reply and would be upset if I didn't get one. And if I did get one, we would probably end up discussing the puzzlement below and I would just get upset. So I can't make the first contact, I can't send the note.

 

Also, and completely unrelated, I kissed someone else (a lot). It was kind of nice while it was happening, but afterwards it made me miss my ex and how well we knew each other physically. It also made me feel guilty.

 

Part of me feels like I will never find the physical chemistry I had with my ex again. And part me wants to call him and say "thanks for being my first-- you were a really great kisser and i didn't even know it. When it came to the physical side of our relationship, you treated me so respectfully and right and I'll always be grateful to you for that." But I think maybe I just want validation, for him to say that I will find someone else, and for him to be slightly upset that I was with someone else just because he made me so upset.

 

My urge to contact him is so bad that I check his facebook just to remind myself that he is (1) safe and not dead (2) in a relationship with someone else and (3) doesn't need to hear from me in order to live his life. That's right, the fact that he is with someone else is a positive for me; it actually helps me to stay away. I feel like I am messed up or something for feeling this way.

 

I just feel so lonely and tumultuous and confused. I'm so close to the 90 day mark and it's hard not for me to just chuck it all away. I thought 90 days was supposed to make it better? Instead I just worry that he's forgotten me completely, that I was totally insignificant to him. I spent pretty much all of yesterday in bed in my pajamas watching tv and eating junk.

 

dear ENA friends, please help me. I am needy and pathetic and need encouragement that I am not a mean person for not contacting him.

[Clabs]

Hey Peace lily

 

Look hun, you are not needy and pathetic and you are not mean for not contacting him. You are doing what is best for you right now and it takes an awful lot of strength to get through this stuff so I would say good for you for being strong.

 

It is only normal to feel these feelings though but you need to be a be kinder to yourself and recognise how far you have come.

 

You know that contacting him will do you no good whatsoever, in fact worse than that, it will most likely set you right back because it is very unlikely the conversation would go the way you wanted it to.

 

Try and keep strong and come back here to let your hurt out. This will slowly slowly get better but you must be kind and patient with yourself.

 

Mark

[twomom]

You sound like you're going through a lot of what I am experiencing. It has been a month since my bf and I called it quits. I still have some really bad days. I know for absolute sure that dating right now was and is a mistake for me. I went to the library yesterday and found a book that has been helpful: It's Called a Breakup Because It's Broken. I don't know that I will ever stop missing my ex...but, I do know we weren't able to make our relationship work. I am hoping this book will help me let go of all and any false hope that may cloud my recovery process. I wish you the best!

[lost1607307474]

All of these feelings are normal, and only time will heal the sting and help you move on.

 

If you want to send your ex a message about the anniversary of his dad's death, you should send him one because you genuinely care about his feelings, not because you want an excuse for contact and want a reply. How about sending him a message, as a friend, and not worrying if you don't get a reply?

 

The truth is that your relationship with him is over and eventually you'll have to stop dwelling on it and move forward, which you will! You will again in the future find intimacy with somebody else and be infinitely happy again.

 

I wish you all the best. Don't be too hard on yourself because these feelings are normal. Time will help you to move forward.

[catfeeder]

It's not a backslide, it's part of your process. It's sort of like, add this, fold in that, then stir. Well, you're mixing right now, and it may not feel great, but it's actually a useful time.

 

In your corner.

[searching1951]

You always emerge from "setbacks" stronger. They are necessary. I am going thru one at this very moment, but it won't deter me from going forward. I know I'll be stronger. A grown old man can still cry over a lost love, it's human, and it is how we cleanse the wound and heal.