IS IT OBSSESSIVE?? Please help!

[MoonlapseVertigo]

Yesterday my boyfriend and I had a fight and I left his house upset. He didn't talk to me at all last night, but was online for a couple of hours getting porn and then signed off without saying anything.

 

Today I decided not to see him, either. As soon as he came in from work, he signed online, again, getting porn. Is this obssessive? I know for a fact he is doing it. Is there a way I can confront him? Is it really not my business? It just makes me feel weird and wonder why our sex life isn't more active if he has sex on the brain so much.

 

I also feel crappy because we are having problems and he still hasn't called. It makes me feel that porn is more important or that this just isn't bothering him. Any advice is appreciated.

[MoonlapseVertigo]

Please reply...

[zerlina]

This guy sounds yucky. Find a new guy! Seriously, this sounds like a sex addiction which doesn't have much to do with a healthy sex life with you.

 

You deserve better.

 

z

[musicguy]

I suggest talking to your guy about how you feel. Looking at porn is normal for a guy, guys are visual people. Talk to him.

[MoonlapseVertigo]

I suggest talking to your guy about how you feel. Looking at porn is normal for a guy, guys are visual people. Talk to him.

 

I have and he says it's normal, even getting off more than once a night...And I'm almost accepting of the porn thing in general, I was just wondering if it's obssessive if he comes in from work and immediately signs online to do so. Do I even have a right to say something about it?

[DealingWithIt]

its definitely a problem when your bf prefers to get off on porn than be with you. does it make you wonder what he thinks about when he's doing it with you?

[Emotional]

If this guy likes a porn its totally normal..guys think different than girls..ur boyfriend might think yall broke up..ide try callin him once..leave a message , if he never calls back the deal is settled already ..hes more into porn than u i guess..what a freakin LOSER u can get better hun..

keep your head up

[MoonlapseVertigo]

Is this matter something I should discuss with him or should I just let it go? Am I blowing this out of proportion?

[Cynder]

My BF looks at porn online all the time. It doesn't bother me because I know that men are visual and all of them do it. Sometimes I even sit and look at it with him, it's unconventional, but it gives me ideas, hehe

 

I would talk to him about it though, if it bothers you. Be calm though, like maybe you could just ask him why he needs so much porn anyway.

 

Good Luck

 

~Cynder~

[woopsydaisy]

im a guy and i like porn..what guy doesnt.But the thing is your in a relationship...thats the diffrence.I can understand why your so jerked off by it .Arnt relationships about giving and taking etc etc and coming to compromises, your annoyed and i think you have every reason to be.I dont think alot of guys would like their girlfriends lusting over other guys on porn sites.I think this rule about guys been visuale, wadda wadda wadda is bull... just an exuse for eying up othe girls etc etc...everyones got feelings and when your in a relationship you should take thease feelings into account.Have words... good luck.

[Sooz]

Hi Moonlapsevertigo, I think your feelings are perfectly normal and understandable. Porn is not a problem until it affects you or your relationship. In this case it IS affecting your relationship because it seems he's spending more time with porn than trying to solve the problem between you two, so my opinion is: talk to him of how this matter makes you feel. Tell him porn wouldn't bother you as much if you had sex more often, but you feel that all this porn thing is keeping you from having sex.

Anyway, porn is one of those topics in which guys and girls will never agree (although there are girls that actually don't mind it, and guys that don't "look at it" while in a relationship), so it isn't a matter of "right or wrong" rather a matter of how it makes you feel and what can be done to make you feel better. If you are in an understanding relationship and have good comunication, I am sure he'll get it and will help you find a solution.

I really don't think porn is as important so guys should be able to give it up if it's hurting their girlfriends. Relationships are in a way like businesses: sometimes both parts have to negotiate, maybe you can say: I'll work in my jealousy issues if you give up porn or something both be happy with.

If he's not contacting you, I would suggest you give the first step. If you really love this guy and want to stay in this relationship fight for it! aren't you curious about what's in his mind? give it a try and if he doesn't seem interested then quit, if there's a breakup your conscience will be clean...

Wish you luck with this!!

[Ambiguous]

As long as there is porn, there are always going to be men getting off on it. And as long as there are women who have no self respect and are looking for an easy way to make a buck.. there will always be porn,strippers,prostitutes (Aren't they all the same?). And unfortunately with the invention of the internet... this has made it too convenient and addictive for many people (like your boyfriend).

 

I have learned through many years of experience.... that men are very visual pigs (no offense) All ages. Seriously. There are some that probably don't enjoy it as much or very little. But they are a minority. The majority of men are turned on (very much) by the eroticism of naked women, other than their girlfriend or wife. I work with men of all ages, whether they are married or single, the majority are totally into porn, or women in general. And they'll admit it to me, cause I'm their friend. They have fantasies all day long and exchange emails with porn, etc...

 

In my relationship I have had to deal with this issue. It drove me NUTS, when my boyfriend was watching some Girls Gone Wild video with all these sluts showing everything (and I mean EVERYTHING). I thought in a way that was like cheating... or could definitely lead to me cheated on. He always insisted that he wasn't into sluts or trashy girls. Yeah right! It's a fantasy for them all. I was totally offended because I looked at those girls and then I looked at myself and honestly I am nothing like that. I don't go around flashing all that I have...never. I have too much respect for myself and body. Anyways.. my point is.. the only person that's going to suffer is yourself. He's going to look at porn till the day he dies. If you express that you are offended by that, then if he respects you, he won't do it around you or talk about it. BUT he will still do it. Even if you are giving him sex, he'll still do it. I'm sorry, but that's how it goes.

 

The best thing you can do, is make yourself happy. Be the best person you can be, and know that you are a confident beautiful woman. If your boyfriend can't appreciate you, there's someone who will. Porn can become an addiction, and when that happens, then that's when someone needs to get HELP. I don't know your boyfriend so I can't say. But if that's the first thing he thinks about as soon as he gets home.. that could be a problem. Why doesn't he call you or go see you?...that should be his priority. You need to be the judge of that, time will tell. Don't waste too much time, because it's precious. But if you continually feel neglected because your boyfriend pays more attention to his computer.. then move on. Let him try and date one of those girls or stay locked up in his room fantasizing ....so he can realize how good he had it with you.

 

Don't drive yourself crazy.. there's nothing you can do, except be confident in yourself and live a meaningful life. You can't live your life in fear that he will cheat on you, etc. If it happens, then you'll deal with it when you have to. But don't live your life in fear, it only hurts you. Take care.

[unrulygirl]

Im so glad I found this site because I know that Im not alone.

You are perfectly normal to be uncomfortable with this and you have the right to say so.

If he can't even stop long enough to actually LISTEN to you and reassure you that you and your relationship are first over looking at porn then I would call it an obsession.

 

Ive been going through this same thing myself and the feelings that brew inside you are so different from anything Ive ever gone through before. This whole internet porn thing is going to start showing its ugly head more and more in our society, just wait, our kids are going to have a very difficult time with relationships.

 

Anyway. Pretty soon you are going to start to resent him and his love of porn and you may even start getting turned off by anything sexual because of the bad taste porn is leaving with you.

Porn is very subtle the way it can slowly suck one into its realm, before you know it your hooked!

Just keep your eyes on your boyfriend and if hes worth keeping he has to keep it to a minimum.

Good luck!

[ReadyorNot]

How do you know that he is online getting porn???? Couldnt he possibly be doing something else?

 

I hate my bf looking at porn.... MAN!!! When I found out I went crazy.. I dont even know why..... well I do.. but I wish I didnt care... Im sure he still looked at it after I nicely asked him not to...... Now Im lucky... he has his own place now and no computer!!!!

[vitalcoaching]

Hi MoonlapseVertigo,

 

Another answer to your question

 

Do I even have a right to say something about it?

 

I'll be direct, okay?

 

Sex is like any other instinctual need. It's like the need to eat, the need to drink, the need to breathe or survive.

 

There are however thousands of ways to express those needs. Having a drink with some mates is very different from getting drunk every night.

 

If you try to spend your life with a alcohol addict, it will shape your relationship and impact on your being in very specific ways. It will establish a set of priorities for your partner and in a way kick out the possibility to build a truly stable relationship.

 

Same goes for porn. You obviously do not get your needs met. You miss good sex with him.

 

It takes two to tango. In a way, his addiction could be towards anything. What matters is that you do get your needs met. It's not happening.

 

Some women face the same challenge with partners who are workoholics. They feel neglected. That's what happens to you right now.

 

Yes! It is your right to say something about it. I 100% encourage you to do so. Not by challenging him or telling him to stop. He will feel attacked and pull back.

 

Instead tell him exactly the way this makes you feel. Say something like: "this makes me feel neglected and worthless. I need to know the guy I am with loves and cares for me. I am not getting good vibes right now. There is a gap in me"

 

If he does not respond or take steps, that's not a good sign. Let him free to decide how he wants to handle that. Give him space. He won't take action if your force him.

 

Give him a week or two and if he shifts nothing in his behavior towards you, consider yourself free to go and find what you need somewhere else. In other words: take your freedom back.

 

Think for yourself: "I am worth it! I will do what it takes to get what I need. If I can't build that with you, I'll build it with someone else"

 

Does this make sense?

 

Good luck and keep sharing

 

vitalcoach