When he changes...for the better :)

[Lunamoth]

I am sharing my story not for feedback(unless you'd like to reply) but as a story of hope...A little back ground;

 

2 years ago I was engaged to a man who was my best friend, my confidante, my crying shoulder, my comedian, my lover, my future, my everything...

We had met through our work in Sept. of 2002 (I was 22 & he was 25)and had worked together, flirting here and there and liked each other but didn't realize that the other did...for me it was instant attraction, he was funny, good looking, smart, helpful & there was some major chemistry there! We were both dating other people at the time so did not act on that attraction, however that allowed us to get to know one another a little. We worked together until the Winter of 2004 when I left the company...on one of my last days I was talking with him in the break room and decided to give him my number so we could keep in touch. With in a few months we both ended up single again and starting talking and hanging out. Our relationship progressed rather quickly from there. We started going on bike rides, camping, fishing, hikeing. He introduced me to his family and his daughter, whom I quickly fell in love with.

I moved a year later in the Spring of 2005 into an apartment complex closer to him, in fact within walking distance…yes mostly to be closer to him. He started staying over a lot and my place soon became his second home.

This was the best relationship and friendship I had ever had. We were constantly spending time together, whether at his place, mine, out and about by ourselves or with his family or daughter. There was rarely a day where we wouldn’t at least talk if not see each other. He eventually moved in with me in the fall of 2005 figuring we’d take it to the next level and we were practically living together anyways. Everything was great and it felt like we were a family. His daughter had her own room and we would have her over on the weekends.

We shared secrets, our hopes and dreams, our fears, our differences, and yet not once during the whole relationship did we fight. We had a few minor disagreements and differences of opinion, but they were always short and stated as opinions and very short lived. In retrospect we should have been more open about our feelings and communicated more about our dislikes. We should have had a few arguments, if necessary and made our dislikes apparent. This was our downfall, what we had in trust and friendship was and is amazing, but we lacked the ability to communicate when we were not ok with something for fear of rocking the boat and ruining our perfect world. At first I held back whenever he was judgmental of people and talked down about them. I bit my tongue when he did or said things that bothered me. I didn't tell him that his negativity towards others and his out bursts of anger made me flinch internally. He was never mean or abusive to me or his daughter or anyone that I ever knew of but he had a short temper when it came to a lot of things. He would not talk about things that pissed him off, bottling it inside until he burst out in anger on the road, at home or at work.

He intimidated others in his fits of rage, creating respect of space from fear.

 

Having him move in I expected to be able to spend more time with him. With our work & school schedules the stress of everything became difficult as at this point there were unresolved issues that we never talked about. I had forgotten that very important rule that you can’t change people and mistakenly thought things would get better and that I could help him change or work on the things I was having issues with. I didn’t know how to communicate about this well and I felt as if he didn’t know how to listen or communicate back. We were still in bliss though, with our friendship and other aspects of our life together. Sometimes things would seem to all just melt and go away and everything would be right in our world, other times frustrations would be brought up to the surface. I felt that I could deal with these frustrations a lot of the time and not say anything but it builds up and it has to come to a head at some time or another. At some point he seemed to become distant, he had a lot of homework and other stresses and I am a very affectionate person. I would try to give him affection while he was at his computer by rubbing his shoulders or giving him a kiss on the neck or cheek and when he didn’t return the affection, It hurt. This also bred resentment. Like some people when I am hurt I get angry to hide from the pain. All of these things were building and I didn’t know what to do to make them better, our relationship was falling apart at the seams I felt. I felt un loved and un appreciated, sometimes it felt as if we were roommates and this was eating at me. I wanted nothing more than to know it made his day to come home to me, wake up next to me and that I made him happy and feel loved and appreciated.

 

During the summer of 2006 he proposed to me and life was blissful again for awhile, all worry washed away. Our relationship and life in general was great for awhile. The problems eventually began to resurface as these things are wont to do, I tried to talk to him a few times, to no avail, he would just sit there and acknowledge what I was saying but no feed back or opinions, except tell me that I was entitled to my opinion. So gave up and began to get confused, hurt, angry and cold. I eventually couldn't handle the negativity. I was becoming judgmental, angry and depressed myself. Put myself on anti depressants even, due to my crying spells because I was becoming someone I didn't like and didn't know what to do. In the spring of 2007 decided that we needed to talk and I told him that if things weren't going to change that I couldn't handle it and I couldn't be in a relationship with a man like that. No arguments, no ifs ands or buts, he just accepted it and said he'd be out as soon as possible. This killed me inside, I had hoped he would listen and try to fight for us or atleast have a conversation about what was bothering me. He was emotional and cried but wouldn't talk about the issues at hand, holding me to him yet pushing me away emotionally.

 

We have been broken up for about 2 years, occasionally emailing each other or talking briefly on the phone. I was an emotional wreck for the first year+ missing my best friend, lover & confidante. He finally started asking me questions and actually listening to my complaints from the relationship, while consoling me and telling me that I need to heal and to let go, when I would tell him that I regretted our break up, and that I missed him and still loved him although I knew deep inside that it was for the best. We live in the same small town and I would see him all over the place, sporadically, at strange times, I would feel like i was starting to heal and bam! there he was. About 3 months ago he started coming into my work bringing his(used to be our) dog in for her shots and care at the vet clinic where I work, which is were she has had all of her previous care so it wasn't like it was strange or anything.

 

He emailed me the other day asking if I would meet him for coffee and that he has things he would like to talk about and questions to ask me. I replied telling him that I would like that and that I have always been open to his friendship. He met me outside of my work that night and we had the normal catch up talk, hows life etc. Turns out that he is now volunteering at a Gay & Lesbian Youth Center(WOW!) & has been working on his anger issues. He told me about how this whole time he has been trying to work on the things that bothered me and become a better person. He confessed that he still misses and loves me and that he wants to try again. During our night long discussion he brought up all of the negatives I mentioned above and more, told me how sorry he is that he acted that way and treated me that way & what he/we should have done differently. We have had a several long discussions on our past relationship ironing out what went wrong so that we can start over from scratch intelligently and be armed with the knowledge that we know what went wrong, what we needed to do differently and not to do it again. He communicates, admits when he is wrong, listens & shares feelings. All things he could not or would not do 2 years ago. This is a changed man, but the same man I fell in love with 4 years ago. He is rebuilt emotionally and mentally due to my inadvertent tearing him apart. We are starting over from the ground up as if we just met, making sure that we get to know each other again...even though it feels like just yesterday that he was living here, we were happily(mostly) engaged and I was in his arms falling asleep....I know only time will tell if he really is changed and if it will work out the second time around, but I have hope and things look very promising, I am so happy to have him back!

[Radίaηce]

Awe...wow. Somehow your story gives me comfort and hope that true love does exist. Whether it lasts or not, time can only tell and we shall cherish each moment spent with real kind hearted love.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

That's great that he finally started working on himself. Bottling things up ends up doing more harm than good because ultimately it destroys the relationship. In relationships there has to be healthy communication, talking without accusing, listening without getting defensive, acknowledging where improvements can be made and working together to compromise on issues so that both sides can be happy. It looks like you are well on the road and this breakup may have served to ultimately make the new relationship much stronger.