Wyssaway Posted February 8, 2009 Posted February 8, 2009 So the guy that I have been writing about in all my threads, who left me after a 3-yr relationship saying that he just need to "figure things out on his own" came to visit me at work tonight. I work the front desk at a hotel 3rd shift so there was no one else there. He went into the back room with me and we sat there talking for a really long time about us. He told me that the reason he wanted to leave was because he had spent the last 3 yrs of his life following me around and helping me live my life, but he had never had a life of his own. The past couple weeks he has been having a life of his own, but at the same time he has been seeing me, kissing me, cuddling me, doing all those things that a couple does (but we were broken up). He told me that he has been really happy the last couple weeks, which confused me because he left me to be happy but we were still acting like a couple. Then we talked and he realized that the reason he was happy was because he was living his own life, but still had me there too. For the past couple years he's been living MY life with me, now it's his turn. At the end of the talk he told me that he wanted to be with me, as a couple, again, but that he also wanted to live his own life too. I completely understand what he means, and I agreed to be there and not get jealous or angy when I'm not invited out all the time when he goes places or if he drinks/smokes pot (which are two things I have never liked him doing). This all made me incredibly happy, because he came back, but I feel kinda disappointed that he didn't realize all this on his own... I mean, while we were talking I had to explain things to him in order for him to understand. I guess now I'm worried that he will change his mind or something since he didn't come to the conclusions on his own. He has come back to me in the past only to change his mind and leave again, but this time seemed different. The first thing he did when he got back to his apt was tell his roommate that we were back together. And he promised me that this time he wouldnt take back what he said. I'm still worried any advise?
lost1607307474 Posted February 8, 2009 Posted February 8, 2009 Well, you're the one who has spent years getting to know the person that he is, and you say that in the past he has come back but then nothing has changed. Do you think that if you get back together things will change and he will be happy? I've known a lot of couples who keep getting back together in the hope that things will change and they will be happy, but it rarely happens - a lot of the time things go back to normal and they both end up miserable again. I think you really need to think about whether you believe if he will really stay this time, and that he won't change his mind again. That being said, maybe he has realised why your relationship wasn't working for him before. Sometimes it takes a while to understand why you were unhappy in a relationship, and when you are able to pinpoint it and move past it, and make the relationship successful. What do your heart and your head say? Do you want to get back together with him? Do you think he will stay this time and not change his mind?
Wyssaway Posted February 8, 2009 Author Posted February 8, 2009 I think that in order for things to work out between us then the person who needs to change the most is me. I need to let him go be his own person, and not expect him to be there everytime something doesn't go my way. I've been the center of his world for 3 years, and he hasn't gotten to experience some of the things in life that he has always wanted to because of that. I didn't realize that I was holding him back, I guess because he never told me... he just always did what he THOUGHT i wanted (always being right by my side and scheduling everything around me) rather than just asking me what I wanted or picking his own interests over mine sometimes. I really think he loves me, but I think he needs to learn to not feel guilty when he wants to go out with his friends and not invite me along or something like that. He thinks I'll overreact (and I'll admit that I've given him a couple reasons to think that in the past), but I honestly wont. I just dont know how to show him that I don't have to be with him ALL THE TIME or be the only person in his life in order to be happy.
lost1607307474 Posted February 8, 2009 Posted February 8, 2009 I really think he loves me, but I think he needs to learn to not feel guilty when he wants to go out with his friends and not invite me along or something like that. He thinks I'll overreact (and I'll admit that I've given him a couple reasons to think that in the past), but I honestly wont. I just dont know how to show him that I don't have to be with him ALL THE TIME or be the only person in his life in order to be happy. Just tell him this. Tell him that you won't overreact to these things, and tell him that you promise to show him that you don't need to be with him ALL of the time and that he can concentrate on his own life at times, too. If you feel like this is what will make the relationship successful this time around, and if you are happy about this, I don't think you'll have any problems. It sounds like you love him lots, and you've said he feels the same way. Good luck!
Sn0man Posted February 8, 2009 Posted February 8, 2009 I don't get it. He left but he didn't actually leave. It's a great big psychological 'thing'. He wants you but doesn't want to be controlled. That would be why you two are still 'acting' like a 'couple'. Well, you ARE obvioulsy still a couple - without the contol factor. You say that he 'came back'. Did he ever actually leave? Sounds to me like the totally irrational head games that people play on eachother. It makes no sense to me why people do this. I find it annoying. I guess all i'm saying is that he obviously wants freedom, but wants it with you. You must be controlling him too much. People hate to be controlled.
Crazyaboutdogs Posted February 8, 2009 Posted February 8, 2009 This all made me incredibly happy, because he came back, but I feel kinda disappointed that he didn't realize all this on his own... I mean, while we were talking I had to explain things to him in order for him to understand. I guess now I'm worried that he will change his mind or something since he didn't come to the conclusions on his own. I don't understand why you are disappointed. He actually did figure things out on his own...that is why he cooled things off a bit and started doing his own thing...he does indeed have a mind of his own because he came to these conclusions all by himself without your help. You say you have been a bit controlling and wanting him to yourself...one of the characteristics of controlling people is taking credit for the other person's epiphanies. The nature of this relationship is changing...he is becoming his own person...now you also need to make changes in yourself and your expectations of the relationship in order to make this workable...in other words, you have to have your own independent life as well.
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