gf of 4 yrs, things are dead, new girl enters

[slim k]

it started when i was 16, met a girl [ my current girlfriend, who will be named S] online, and after a few months decided to meet in person as we lived about 30 min apart. i think we were initially attracted to each other because neither of us had had a bf/gf before, or had anyone like us, so it was a form of puppy love/imature love. we both had strict parents who didnt want us dating that young, so we kept it all a secret and everyone just thought we were "Friends". the rush of adrenaline from doing something forbidden/secret was addicting, and we were physically attracted to each other, and had similiar interests. we had lots of fun together, could laugh and smile pretty much all day long.

 

yet although there were good moments, things were always up and down. she has a very blunt/independent/leader personality and im a bit more insecure/indecisive and tend to sugar coat my words for the sake of others, where as she spits it out however it is. thats always been a source of inner frusteration for me, but id swallow it. she has always been frusterated by me not being a "man" all decisive, and planning events, and telling her what to do sometimes. im far more outwardly emotional then her, and shes very "get to the point!"

 

during the few years of secret dating, we must have broken up 4-6 times, sometimes the breakup would last a week, sometimes 2 months. she'd just get so frusterated with me [usually because i was being "immature" and wasnt "improving on the things i knew i needed to" or i was just seemingly being lazy and not doing enough for or with her, even though i love her to death! im the kinda person that can sit on her bed and talk for 5 hours and have the time of my life, she needs to be out doing things, so id be happy just to be around her, but shed need an activity, or shed get mad.

 

during the secret stage, we looked forward to being able to be public and tell everyone we are bf/gf, and fantasized about it a lot, and felt it would solve all our problems. so then we went public...around 1.5 years ago. it was amazing for about 1-2 months, cause we didnt have to sneak around, everything was so simple! yet out came the old problems, her not feeling her needs were met, i was being lazy and not improving on things she noticed and i admited i need to improve on. i was also too clingy, too mushy, and at all the wrong times, and was far to emotional, and would get pissed at harsh things she said [she didnt mean to be harsh, thats just her].

 

now since we have been dating officially, ive had to beg her to not leave me or break up with me about 2-3 times from what i recall, and i always am left grovelling, and saying ill make it work, ill improve. dont get me wrong, im not a bad person, im not how she would have me out to be, we just have different strengths and she is VERY proper and im a little bit more laid back and relaxed. every time shed say, "yeah ok whatever i wont break up, well work things out, i dont know why i keep letting you talk me out of it"

 

she oviously has been really hurt by me not meeting her needs from day one, or meeting them..and her getting all excited, just to have me get "lazy" and have her hopes and dreams broken again. so theres a lot of resentment and anger inside of her, everytime i screw up, its that much harder to get her to open up again. now its to the point where its almost impossible for her to be herself around me, she cant laugh, have any fun, joke around, its all serious...yes and no answers, and snoody remarks.

 

i have no desire to be around her, its not enjoyable for any of us, shes worried im gona embarras her, not give her what she needs, annoy her, and im worried im going to say something shes gona be hurt by, or do something she doesnt approve of.

 

shes a grammar/language freak! every little mistake in spelling or spokne word, she has to point out and correct, its like im in school when im around her, and she things shes "Helping me" because she doesnt want me to look stupid, or make other people think im uneducated. its a chore and makes me feel stupid, and im not THAT bad, its just shes a perfectionist. shes also taking public relations in school, and studying business english, which is making her that much more anal about the english language around everyone.

 

she also works at the gap, and is a fashion guru or so she thinks. i always gota be watching what im wearing, seeing if it matches, etc..shes always buying me clothes, that she thinks i would like...i have way to many clothes now...only a few i really love.

 

shes just very particular and judgemental about things and people, and im more of the "Whatever" "give them the benefit of the doubt" style.

 

so lately, we talk about things very factually, i try to get the ball rolling with conversation, it doesnt work. ill ask questions [detailed and not], ill compliment her, ill do everything verbally within my power, but she doesnt open up, cause shes mad at me, because i hurt her.

 

i dont get how i hurt someone that i love SOO much. ill spend 3 days with her a week, taking her out doing fun stuff, spending lots of money, having a good time, and then i get busy with other things, and i dont call for a few days, and suddenly im a "part-time boyfriend" and all the good i did DOESNT matter, and the bad takes the forefront, as if i forgot she exists!

 

im thinking maybe im just unable to ever make her happy, because if shes miserable, i dont have a desire to be around her, and if im not around her, shes always miserable. its a cycle. ill screw up, shell be a witch, i wont wana be around her but ill still try to fix things, shes still a witch, i distance, she gets over it, i do something nice, were happy, i screw up, and back into the same cycle.

 

then enter a girl who will be called "K"

 

i met her about 2.5 months ago, at a schooling course. i spend 2 weeks, day after day beside her, got to know her really well. after the course was over, me and 3 other friends from the course, 1 including her, did social things, in the weeks afterwards. so i saw her maybe 4-5 times in the next 2 weeks after the 2 week course was done. i hestitated to tell her about my gf because i liked her, and things with S were really bad at the time of the course so wasnt even really sure if i had a gf at the time, so i delayed telling her about S, but i eventually did after knowing her a total of about 3-4 weeks.

 

im a curious person, after i got a few vibes from her, and feeling comfortable with her, i asked her if i were single, if shed go out with me, she said yes, and that just opened a big can of worms...shes practically head over heals for me, but respects the place of my current girlfriend and is happy just being friends, but if i were single shed snap me up.

 

so here i am, in a miserable dead relationship, with this other girl standing off to the side. me and K have the EXACT same goals in life, can communicate about anything, have the best time in the world together, and i fear it may be to good to be true, but i know that i cant let this opportunity slip away.

 

my gf and i, used to have similar life goals and lifestyle, but are now drifting, and want different things...i want a simple life, i dont care about getting a lot of education, im happy being a labourer. my gf wants a nice car a nice place, etc. i couldnt care less, im not a materialistic person, i want a easy simple life.

 

my current gf, would expect me to propose in about of year...because we both want to be married, but i just cant picture being with her, i dont want to marry her.

 

and theres this other girl K, thats just dying to be around me, just to be able to talk to me, etc. i havent cheated on her my gf, all K and i have done is talk and go out for coffee, etc. but i feel guilty in my mind...cause i cant stop thinking about K and im already emotionally divorced from S.

 

so i need to do something, and i dont wana wait forever. i want to have an enjoyable summer with K, so i need to deal with things soon, within a month i figure. i need to confront S, which im scared to do, cause so many things shes wanted to break up, and ive made her stick with it, so in her mind i would have no right to break up now.

 

Right now i cant wait to be with K, im not just running on a high, she really is an amazing girl in every way. and its amazing how comfortable we've become in such a short time, and how much we enjoy such simple things together. i want to end my relationship with S, or so i think. i wont cheat on S, and i want K so theres only really one option right? i just dont know how to go about it without crushing S and making her feel like these 4 years or ups and downs have been a complete waste cause im just up and leaving. and theres NO WAY that i can tell S about K, or S will think im just trading her in for someone else, and ignore the problems in our relationship and she will play the victim and make me seem like a player.

 

ive been emotionally void as far as S goes for a few months now, and ive spent the last 2 weeks crying every night, purging myself of all my hopes and dreams that i somehow optimistically thought i could make work with S. im emotionally divorced and have no pleasure around her, i see no reason to stay. of course i still love her and care for her, and want her life to be the best it can be..so i want to drop her gently and hopefully get her to see that REALISTICALLY, we cant work, weve been trying for years and years, and still havent gotten it, we never will, and wed be more stress-free and happy alone or with other people.

 

argh! how should i go about this, without breaking her heart, and without taking forever. i want to get on with my life, ive been sitting with my life on pause for a long time, with this relationship going nowhere, and now i want to take some risk and get myself happy again, cause i feel dead right now

 

im also afriad of what my friends will think, if they see S, and then all of a sudden they see another girl, its gona look BAD, and im gona get a bad rep cause of this, and K is gona look like some rebound girl, which she isnt. because my friends dont know the probs ive been having with S, i just tell them things are good and try to be as vauge as possible.

 

i know i need time to recover from S, before i dive in completely with K, but i dont want to wait longer then i need to, just for how it "looks". i want to move on with life, with K.

 

anyways, offer your advice please, or tell me your similar situations and what you did, and how it turned out. thanks for reading all this, and putting up with the lack of puncuation, etc. i dont want to cause more hurt then is necessary, or am i even going about this right?

 

thanks for your input!

[raggamuffin]

Ok from what you say S treats you terribly and just uses you as a token boyfriend. So if I were you I would want to be with someone who would treat me well. I would break up with S ASAP and start a good life with someone who likes you for you with K. YOur young dont worry about what other people think just have fun.