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Be patient and undestanding or move on?


roxy79

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I have been dating a WONDERFUL man for 3 months. Our relationship has been absolutely perfect. We talk almost everyday, he sends me beautiful texts all day long letting me know he's thinkig of me, misses me, can't wait to see me etc. He has asked me to go with him to Hawaii in July for a wedding. I have met many of his closests friends. I couldn't ask for anything more from him.

 

BUT... last Friday night he finally went back to his "old" house where his ex and daughter used to live. His ex finally had moved out all of her stuff and so he came home to an empty house. I think this hurt him. He was very distant that night and was a little "off" Saturday. I went to his place Sunday for the superbowl and we had a perfect evening. We did have a discussion before I left because he was being a little defensive. We didn't fight, just talked, and I agreed he was going thru some tough stuff and I understood.

 

Monday I sent him a text letting him know I thought about what he said and that I understand what he is going through and that if he needs some time and space to deal with these emotions (I really don't think he expected to feel this way), that I support him and I can give him that. He didn't respond at all on Monday but sent me a text Tuesday morning telling me thank you and that he's doing some thinking himself... he's trying to figure out if he has the capacity to be the man I need him to be in this relationship.

 

I responded with all postive things that, I again, understand and know things are tough but I reminded him that there will always be bumps and that we can get through them together and I look forward to more happy times together. I haven't heard from him since. I did send him a text at lunch on Friday letting him know that I was thinking of him.... still no word.

 

I'm not sure what I should be thinking. Part of me thinks that I was very supportive and understanding and he's doing exactly what I said he should do... heal and when he's ready, I said for him to let me know. But then part of me is so hurt by the fact that he has basically been igorning me and if he cared for me as much as he said he did, then I really don't think he'd do this to me.

 

Do I wait it out, give him more space to sort out these emotions, and when he is done closing that chapter of his life, then he'll be ready to come back to me and be the amazing boyfriend he was before? (He is moving out of that house this week and into a new one if that gives you all a time line).

I am hurt and confused and not sure what to do... I really want to call him and see where I stand with him, but I DO NOT want to push him way. please help.

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It sounds like you've done everything just right.

Keep giving him a little more time. A simple, "how are you doing? thinking about you..." text time to time won't hurt. But let him take the initiative to resume communication and relationship with you.

 

You are doing fine. But wait it out.

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I know he is going through some serious stuff, dealing with custody issues, moving into the new house, dealing with unpaid clients at work etc. So I know he's under a HUGE amount of stress. And I really would like to believe that our relationship is AMAZING and there is no way he'd want to lose me, especially since we don't have problems!

 

I know this "stuff" he is going through has NOTHING to do with me, and he even said last friday that our relationship is perfect, it's everything else in his life right now that has got him all flustered and upset. What I'm struggling with is understanding why he, in a sense, is ignorning me. Why hasn't he tried to just say "hey babe, thanks for being so understanding." just to let me know he DOES care?? That's what is hurting me.

 

I'm assuming he just needs a little more time to regroup and come to terms with closing this chapter in his life and he knows he's starting a new chapter, and he's already told me that it's with me, but the fact that this is the 4th day that I haven't heard from him, I'm starting to doubt all of that.

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A very similar thing happened to me and I, like you, appreciated and respected that he was up front and mature about needing space to mourn his divorce...at the same time when I told him "take all the time you need" that wasn't being as honest as he was being with me. What I really wanted from him was for him to be ready to move into another relationship shortly after his divorce. I actually liked him even more for being so mature and honest...I thought he had great integrity, and at the same time didn't want to sit around counting the days/weeks/months thinking "is he ready yet?" so I sent him a very nice email letting him off the hook, so to speak and he responded in kind. There were no hurt feelings in the end (okay, maybe a little), but better to find out now than 6 months or a year or so from now that he's not ready to do anything serious. When I was honest with myself, that's what I was looking for and he wasn't ready to give that.

I suggest sending an email and wishing him well as his heart heals and let him know you'd be happy to hear from him again when he's ready. But consider that the "closure" and don't wait to hear back from him. Do it for yourself, not for him.

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Is he divorced or just separated? How long has he been split from his wife? How long was he married to her? I am wondering if he didn't properly process the end of his marriage before launching into this relationship with you. He may have rushed the relationship with you in order to not deal with the pain of the last relationship ending ...getting caught up in the honeymoon period....and now going back to the house has brought him back to reality. I think you need to back off and let him sort things out. A phone call right now would not be helpful. It sounds to me he is re-thinking this relationship..I would give him another 2 weeks..as difficult as that might be I think it would be prudent to back off since you have already made it clear where you stand.

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Well I don't want to end it with him. I am utterly in "awe" with this man and he has treated me the way I've always wanted to be treated. And I feel like if I break up with him, then I am not being fair because I am the one who said I can give him the space while he sorts out these demons that he is battling. If i up and walk away, then I'm breaking HIS trust in me. I am very confident and have never doubted his feelings for me... which is why I feel like I should continue to give him some space. I do have a breaking point, and I will get fed up eventually, but it's only been 4 days...

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He only stayed with his ex for the sake of his daughter, whom was created basically on a one night stand thing. He wanted to be man about it, so i tried to stay with his ex for his daughter. He was miserable for the year they were together and was broken up/over it well before he and I started dating. We were friends first... But yes, I don't think he expected to feel so much coming back to that house, but that certainly does not mean that his feelings for me were not real. does it?

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Something seems a bit off...if he was that over it then why would going to the house put him in such a funk? Does he still see his child? Is he still in contact with his ex? He had a one night stand with someone and then decided to live with the woman...something doesn't seem right there? Are you sure his version of events are really true? I also find it disturbing when you say you are in "awe" of this man. That is putting him up on a pedastal..he is human like everyone else and perhaps you are now starting to see his real colours, what he is really like in a relationship when things are not hearts and flowers and day-long cutesy emails and texts. What you had with him was the fantasy period and now real life is catching up to him. This is where you will find out if all of his words of love really meant anything or he is just Mr. Fantasy Guy who likes the fantasy of relationships before the responsibilities and hard work set in. If he truly cares about you he will be in touch to smooth things over and continue on with you...if he just enjoyed the fantasyland then this could be the end of the road. You need to sit tight and ride it out. Within a month you will know.

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he hadn't known her very long, and she was going through a divorce when they met. i tried to post the basic version of the story. they had only been together like 3 weeks before she got pregnant, and at that same time was when he realized he didn't have anything in common with her, but, then all of a sudden they are going to have a child, so he decided to stick around.

 

but yes, the perfectness of it was going to end at some point, but he isn't the type of person to just "blow me off." He has a lot of respect for me and I have a lot of respect for him, which is why I'm giving him space. It's just hard for me to swallow that he hasn't want to say anytihng to me these past 4 days, when we were truly falling for each other.

 

And by in "awe" I meant he's pretty darn special to me. He definetly has flaws and by no means is perfect, but I sure as heck love the way I feel when I'mw ith him and not with him!

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and yes, he sees his daughter often. and think thats what was hard for me too, was to come to a come where he raised her for the year, and came home to her not being, no toys, no pictures, nothing, but his couch. I don't think he expected to feel such a loss, eventhough truly he isn't losing anything.

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Roxy,

 

Four days, I am sure feels like an eternity to you, but really, you don't know what he is going through. And some people, I imagine, going through something so difficult, don't want to or can't talk about it. If there is really nothing else other than him going through the situation that you described, give him the benefit of the doubt and wait a little longer. Like I said, I think it is perfectly okay for you to send a short text message time to time to check on him.

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Well you did say that if he needed a bit of space that would be OK with you. I assume he's taken you at your word for it and he'll come around when he's ready. I wouldn't be too worried, and I don't think it will take him all that long (it's only been a few days). Don't worry!

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Oh my goodness. You would think I that I havent' heard from the guy in weeks. But yes, it's only been four days, and I know that today, he was spending it with his daughter. I just feel like I'm in the "unknown" since truly the last thing he did say to me was that he was taking some time to figure out if HE has the capacity to be who I need him to be. (which he has been since day one, and he knows that). I think maybe he just had a week moment, is taking some time to reflect on everything, let go of his past with his ex and that house, and is trying to move forward. Cause I think he knows that he can't do that, while he is falling in love with me. He's gotta get over that relationship before he can devote his heart and soul to me completely. (at least that's how I feel, which is why I am supporting him taking this time).... it would just be nice to have him acknowledge that I exist. But then again, he tells me (or was telling me) how much he misses me and thinks of me, so.... I should be confident that he's doing the same now, he's just not expressing it to me. right?

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I wouldn't contact him at all anymore during the time you said you would give him space. After all you said you would give it to him for one, and secondly he obviously needs it if he hasn't responded to your email or initiated contact.

 

And though it seems not so, it has really only been a very short while. Last time you had contact was Tuesday, and then you again sent him something already on Friday.

 

It is obvious that you care about him a lot & so the unknown is difficult for sure. Even so, try to deal with/work with this in your own way without contacting him as the "solution" to your anxiety...

 

No matter what happens he will appreciate the space & it can only help. It will be whatever it will be (which I hope goes really well for you) in the end but you can always say that you did your best to support the situation & allow him time to come to a decision. That there wasn't really anything you could have done differently.

 

Very best of luck...

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I think perhaps people are misinterpreting this.

 

If he moved in with her only becuase of the child (and too quickly), and they had a bad relationship, seeing the place and moving may have stirred up a lot of bad feelings for him, and the issue might be that he started thinking, wait a minute, i'm rushing into this huge relationship with someone else too quickly without thinking about it, just like i did with my ex, and i don't want to make the same mistake again and commit fully to her until i am really sure about it.

 

So perhaps he started thinking the two of you were moving too fast, when he got reminded that moving fast can be a mistake if the people are not suited for one another (like with his ex). You two may be perfectly suited for one another, but if he just had a bad experience with the ex, he may be questioning whether he is rushing things too much with you and doesn't want to end up in the same place again.

 

So he is backpedaling from being too serious with you too soon (or it feels that way in his mind).

 

So the absolute wrong thing here is to chase him, or to expect him to feel closer than he wants to feel to you. 3 months is still a relatively new relationship, and if you were acting like an old married couple or were too intense too soon, he may be digesting this idea and wondering if things should slow down a bit for both your sakes.

 

So i'd back off, and if you don't hear from him in a week, call him and ask him what is going on, and if he wants to take things more slowly between the two of you (less intense) because he is worried about making another mistake like his ex, and see what he says.

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Well I had a weak moment this morning as I feared starting yet another week feeling as awful as I do. I called him and left him a message saying I was just calling to see how he was doing and that I hope things are getting better and that he is finding peace and happiness. I said I've been thinking about him and that I really hope things are getting better in his life. I also through out there that I was wondering where we stood with each other because I was feeling a little off since I haven't heard from him in 5 days. I said I'm assuming things are still great between us and you are just sorting out your demons but I'd just like to hear from him. And I asked if he could call me when he got the chance.

 

That was 3 hours ago, and I haven't heard a thing. now what?

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You wait... You've left a message and made yourself very clear, so depending on what is going on with him, you'll hear from him soon or not.

 

If he is having second thoughts about getting too serious with you, you just left him a very 'serious' message talking about his 'demons'. maybe he is not seeing them as demons, but thinking that things are moving too fast for his comfort.

 

So i wouldn't do anything now. If you don't hear from him again, he has gotten such cold feet that he's running off, in which case you don't want a man who'd do that kind of thing. Calling you just takes a few seconds, so he really has no excuse to leave you hanging if you've told him you're worried about what is going on.

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