rosephase Posted February 7, 2009 Posted February 7, 2009 I go to a few a year, maybe six or so. I was just wondering if anyone else out there ever goes to parties like this. It takes a lot of work with in my relationship to go, and we are getting better about things working out. I enjoy them but I guess I’m still trying to get to the point where I can relax and have a great time. We always talk before, take time to set limits, talk about expectations and stuff like that, and it has been getting easier but I wonder when it will just be easy. Has anyone out there been thru this? and what where your experiences? Or if you have any ideas on how to ease the work and to relax and have more fun. I asking because my partner and I are heading to one tonight and we are having dinner first to talk (which we always do) but I was hoping to maybe have new ideas about how to handle feelings getting hurt, ugly emotions, new desires and what not. Any thoughts would be really helpful.
delicous Posted February 7, 2009 Posted February 7, 2009 My definition of sex party might be diff then yours...I know if your gay then you can bring your girlfriend but I have never heard of one where you can bring your boyfriend... Ive been to one, but it was girls only and one lady who would be incharge of explaining all the diff products, is this what your talking about, Sorry Im confused??
agent1607307371 Posted February 7, 2009 Posted February 7, 2009 delicious, that's a sex toy party. Sorry, rose, the most experience I have is of a cr@p bf trying to get me to go and not understanding why if I can't trust him in the everyday world, I definitely can't trust him in that environment (my comfort was never a consideration of his). Have you read The Ethical Sl*t? I think it mostly deals with poly relationships, but maybe it would be good for this kind of set-up too.
rosephase Posted February 7, 2009 Author Posted February 7, 2009 delicious, that's a sex toy party. Sorry, rose, the most experience I have is of a cr@p bf trying to get me to go and not understanding why if I can't trust him in the everyday world, I definitely can't trust him in that environment (my comfort was never a consideration of his). Have you read The Ethical Sl*t? I think it mostly deals with poly relationships, but maybe it would be good for this kind of set-up too. Yeah I'm talking about something like an orgy, but not really. It's like a party where people have sex in front of each other and with there friends. I go with my partner and we rarely (although not never) have sex with other people while we are at them, but there is flirting and interaction of sorts. I have read the Ethical sl*t. It is alright, not my favorite (check out Opening Up)
glegend Posted February 7, 2009 Posted February 7, 2009 It sounds like your going to a swingers party.
Batya33 Posted February 7, 2009 Posted February 7, 2009 I would think if it takes all that work before and has all that risk of hurt feelings, is it worth the thrills and potential orgasms/sexual variety?
delicous Posted February 7, 2009 Posted February 7, 2009 Ooh Okay, well...I wouldn't do it, you can get diseases from other people and I wouldn't do it because the boyfriend and me not wanting to share him, but thats not me if its you, go for it but I get the feeling you don't because you are posting here for advise about it, which tells me you are definetly nervous about doing it with others and with your boyfriend doing it with others...
jengh Posted February 7, 2009 Posted February 7, 2009 The thought kind of intrigues me... I might go once...but never with a boyfriend. I can't share
Portage Posted February 7, 2009 Posted February 7, 2009 Was it your boyfriend that introduced you to this lifestyle? Or were you involved in this prior??
FireInHeaven Posted February 7, 2009 Posted February 7, 2009 Never been... but I've been invited to a few. Maybe you guys should just take a break for a while from these parties if it's that distressing to you.
rosephase Posted February 7, 2009 Author Posted February 7, 2009 Was it your boyfriend that introduced you to this lifestyle? Or were you involved in this prior?? We started together. We where both poly we met at a kinky sex club, but our friends started inviting us to these kinds of parties about three years ago so we started going together. He had gone to privet bdsm parties before and I went with him to a few, but nether of us really enjoyed that kind of party (although it might just have been the people who put on that kind of party)
rosephase Posted February 7, 2009 Author Posted February 7, 2009 Never been... but I've been invited to a few. Maybe you guys should just take a break for a while from these parties if it's that distressing to you. It isn't distressing me to much. I do enjoy them. And I want to go, I just want some input about how other people might handle it. We have gone to some that have been really really great, and some that where just personally awful for one or the other or both of us. So I'm just hoping to keep moving forward and get better at knowing myself and what I want, asking for it. And listening to my partner, hearing him, and being able to be there for each other.
delicous Posted February 7, 2009 Posted February 7, 2009 Okay Im sorry, I didn't read your profile before I posted... And I unfortunetly do not have much advise Accept to relax and be yourself...
FireInHeaven Posted February 7, 2009 Posted February 7, 2009 It isn't distressing me to much. I do enjoy them. And I want to go, I just want some input about how other people might handle it. We have gone to some that have been really really great, and some that where just personally awful for one or the other or both of us. So I'm just hoping to keep moving forward and get better at knowing myself and what I want, asking for it. And listening to my partner, hearing him, and being able to be there for each other. Well it sounds like you guys are doing all you can to prevent bad things from happening. You talk beforehand, you set limits. I guess some bad experience is inevitable like with anything. YOu have to take the good with the bad.
BeStrongBeHappy Posted February 7, 2009 Posted February 7, 2009 The only thing you can do is try to convince yourself it is like going bowling with a bunch of friends, except sex is the sport. You don't get upset if you partner talks to others on the bowling team and has a good time, and you need to try to look at it that way. But also, if this is something that is really outside your comfort zone, then don't go just because he wants you to go. Perhaps he could go alone, and you could stay home and not have to watch.
Rose21 Posted February 8, 2009 Posted February 8, 2009 I would never want to go to a sex party... Why would you WANT to ingage in a massive orgy? Grosss.
JeckyllNHyde Posted February 8, 2009 Posted February 8, 2009 I would never want to go to a sex party... Why would you WANT to ingage in a massive orgy? Grosss. The OP is into Polygamy. Different strokes for different folks IMO. Who are we to judge and call it gross.
Kiteless Posted February 8, 2009 Posted February 8, 2009 Polyamory. It's different. I am not into sex parties, but I know a lot of people that are (more power to them). I think you are really doing all you can by setting limits, communicating, etc. It just comes with time I suppose. Is there something specific that you feel uncomfortable about? Do you feel like you are going to be left? That your SO will have more fun with someone else other than you? Stepping back and really analyzing what you are feeling will help you identify the specifics and work on reaffirming that they are just fears and they can be dealt with.
MattW Posted February 8, 2009 Posted February 8, 2009 o_O Wow, um... I've *heard* of "sex parties" on day time talk shows like Maury, but I never really thought stuff like that REALLY happened. Er, at least, I've never heard of anyone I know mentioning such a thing (and I've known some pervy people in my time...). I can't imagine myself at a "sex party", if only because I'm not only a virgin, but a very shy individual, so I'd probably just end up nervously standing in the background back, awkwardly trying to find something to do, too shy to socialize, too guilty to... er, "watch" other people. Yep, I'd be terrible at that kind of party. lol
justally Posted February 9, 2009 Posted February 9, 2009 o_O Wow, um... I've *heard* of "sex parties" on day time talk shows like Maury, but I never really thought stuff like that REALLY happened. Er, at least, I've never heard of anyone I know mentioning such a thing (and I've known some pervy people in my time...). I can't imagine myself at a "sex party", if only because I'm not only a virgin, but a very shy individual, so I'd probably just end up nervously standing in the background back, awkwardly trying to find something to do, too shy to socialize, too guilty to... er, "watch" other people. Yep, I'd be terrible at that kind of party. lol I feel jaded! I've been hearing about BD/SM, polyamory, sex parties, threesomes (for relationships and sex), furries, and other kinks/fetishes/lifestyles since I was a freshman in high school! OP, I will pass along the only advice I've ever been given on the subject: if you still feel your SO is trustworthy, and is still into you, then you're doing it right, and this is the lifestyle for you. I've never toyed with any of the alternative lifestyle choices, so I've never practiced that bit of advice. You have more experience than I do, but from what my friends have discussed with me concerning their lives, I do feel that's the best bit of advice I've ever heard. Besides talking it all out, one couple I knew wrote in a journal every day for a week before, and 2 days after the expierence. They then switched journals. They wrote down all concerns, expectations, anticipations, fears...every thing. They never hid their feels on the subject, but they didn't feel comfortable talking out loud about it. So they wrote it instead. Once they switched, they commented all over each others journal entry, and switched again. They're still together today, 7 years from when I met them as a freshman. They were Seniors, and had been together for 2 years already...
Lecturer Posted February 9, 2009 Posted February 9, 2009 Have you spent much time considering the details of what sub-type of poly you are? Perhaps you are the type that can support multiple loving (or at least, caring) relationships, but not so much the "swinging", free-style sex type? I only mention this because recently I've been realizing that, although I could handle extra-marital relations, I would not really want to have sex with people I care nothing about (although I could with good friends). I'm just hypothesizing that this might be producing an inordinate amount of strain because it's actually something you are not really comfortable with.. but that you are so used to fighting and overcoming that type of discomfort that you are just considering it another thing like that. Perhaps you really don't want to participate in these.. or at least certain aspects of these? You said some parties have been better than others...What made the good ones good? Were the participants closer friends of yours? People that you trusted more and cared more about? Were you treated better throughout.. perhaps your wishes attended to better?
axewound Posted February 9, 2009 Posted February 9, 2009 I've heard of this kind of thing and would love to experience one with my SO someday! I just want to know how you got started with these parties? Did you know the people already, or did you meet online or something and from there you received other invitations to other parties? If you did not know them, how do you know they have a clean bill of health? Is it based on trust? There are some sick people out there who wouldn't care, so I find this hard to believe. Who organizes these things? Tell me tell me tell me!
jsx730 Posted February 9, 2009 Posted February 9, 2009 I'm not sure if I would consider my relationship to be that of a "swinger" couple, but we do have an open relationship. While we haven't been to any pre-planned "swinger parties", we have ended up doing something like what you are asking about with 2 other couples. It really comes down to communication and security within your relationship. If you're feeling jealous or uncomfortable, don't go through with anything. It'll end bad. Now Rosephase, I have a question for you. I remember you saying in a past post that you had herpes (I think?). Is this sex party specifically for those who also have it? Or do you disclose ahead of time that you have it? Or do you just wait until you've selected a potential playmate to disclose it to them in private? I'm curious as to how this works.
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