nala0201 Posted February 7, 2009 Posted February 7, 2009 I'm going to try and simplify what seems like such a complicated situation... I met him while working in Mexico last November. We were both at a conference together -- he is a PhD student in Europe. We hit it off immediately and kept in contact. I flew out to visit him twice and on the second visit in August we decided to pursue a LDR. He is finishing up his studies in May and we both planned on being together when he was finished. He came out to visit me in December -- he met my family and I went down to Mexico to meet his. There were some arguments but I chalked it up to the stresses of meeting each others families and friends. He leaves in January and we agree that I would fly out in April for his birthday and his thesis defense. When he lands, he texts me how much he misses me already. I'm a wreck when he leaves and then a number of things happen (death in the family, issues with family members) that makes January horrible. I was an emotional wreck and sent out an ultimatum email to him -- I wanted him to come here for a year, give us more time together as a couple and then perhaps move to Mexico with him. He never gave me a clear answer while we were together in person in December and in this email, I really laid it all out on the line. Bad idea. He goes MIA for two weeks. I try to call and nothing. Then almost 2 weeks ago I get a break up email. I was stunned and immediately went into panic mode trying to call him and plead with him. He didn't answer my calls. This past Monday we finally talk. He told me that I was just too stubborn and was trying to fit him into my "perfect life" -- the career, family, friends, and boyfriend. He explains how he felt pressured and that what he really wanted to do was to go back and live and work in Mexico. He said he was tired of living abroad and wanted to go back home and start a career. I didn't know any of this -- he had never communicated it to me!! I tell him that makes perfect sense and I understand why he would want that completely. There were a number of things he never communicated to me and I just never knew. I explained I wasn't psychic and if something was bothering him, he needed to tell me and not just end the relationship. He said he was so confused and couldn't sleep at night and that everything was just too much stress on him and that he loved me and that there were still strong feelings there. I asked him to reconsider the decision and he said "he needed time to think." I said fine... At this point I've just not been in contact. He needs space and I'm giving it to him. My question is -- do I initiate contact with him after a certain period of time or do I just go on with my life? I have very real and strong feelings for this man -- his family contacts me all the time saying that he is just under a lot of pressure and to just give it time but time is the only thing that we can't get back. Is this really over and do I move on or is there still a chance? Thanks for listening guys...I look forward to hearing from all of you.
nala0201 Posted February 7, 2009 Author Posted February 7, 2009 Any advice would be great right now as I am seriously considering breaking contact....this just sucks right now....
CAgirl Posted February 7, 2009 Posted February 7, 2009 How long have you been in no contact? Are you sure that there isn't another girl in the picture?
nala0201 Posted February 7, 2009 Author Posted February 7, 2009 I've been in no contact for 5 days now. He emailed me 5 days ago but I didn't respond. I'm not sure if there is another girl in the picture. At this point I'm not sure about anything. The thing is that he is so brutally honest about those things that I think he would tell me if there was another girl but then again, what do I know?
Batya33 Posted February 7, 2009 Posted February 7, 2009 It sounds like you were putting an awful lot of pressure on someone you had spent at most a month with, right? (I assume each visit was about a week?). It also could be that after dating you for a month, he, like many people, decided the two of you weren't compatible for anything long term. The problem is that your expectations were more akin to someone you'd been dating for months, instead of a month and that can cause this kind of situation. I think you should tell him either that you're willing to continue to get to know him in person for at least 6-9months of in person time before deciding where this is headed, or that you realize that even though you've only been dating a very short time (and an even shorter time if you consider that it wasn't until a later visit that you decided to pursue a relationship) you realize that you are on a speed of light timetable and you understand that he is not.
nala0201 Posted February 8, 2009 Author Posted February 8, 2009 Bataya -- You're right, everything did move too fast and while I feel like I pushed it further in the end, he also did a fair amount of pushing as well. I want to get to know him in person for a longer period time so I asked him to come to the States following his dissertation defense so we could spend more time together. He said it was what he wanted but on Monday told me that what he really wanted was to go back home to Mexico. He is 34 and has been away from home for 10 years and he said he really didn't want to pick up and uproot his life and start all over again. I told him that made so much sense and that I wish he would have talked about this with me instead of pretending to go along with coming to the States. He had asked me to go to Mexico with him but honestly, I don't think that is the best thing right considering he has no guarantee of a job there and I would be leaving my job here. The more I write about this, the more crazy it all sounds but I don't know -- there was something real there, something I had never felt or experienced before. I know that sounds so cliche but it's the truth. I think that's why this is just hurting so much -- it's impossible but the feelings are so strong. I guess I just don't want to give this up without giving it a fair shot. Does that make sense?
shaded77 Posted February 9, 2009 Posted February 9, 2009 Your story sounds a bit similar to what happened to me. I put pressure on a girl to move to my city and even though she clearly expressed she wasn’t sure she wanted to do that I kept the pressure on. A week before she was supposed to move to my city and into my apartment she disappeared, no break up email/note, not a word from her… and that was almost four months ago. I’ve tried everything I can to get back in touch with her without luck. My best advice is to give him the space he needs… continue with your life, if in the future you can find a middle ground and give it a real try then great, but it may not happen. Pressuring someone into moving to a different city/country is a huge deal, and although they may like you a lot and seriously consider it (even agree to it), as the day gets closer they may panic. Best of luck to you
Mutley Posted February 9, 2009 Posted February 9, 2009 There are so many things wrong here, I don't no were to begin. First of all, you two are still strangers. A couple/three dates together isn't hardly anytime at all to get to know someone. Phone calls, texts, et al. don't count. So he barely knows you and your asking him to give up his current life to take a risk at a relationship with you. Any sane person would not toss everything to the wind to go meet a stranger in a strange land. He should of made a clean break and not strung you along though. Anyway, his actions are screaming that he's not interested anymore. This thing was doomed from the start. I've been in a couple of ldrs. I can't recommend enough to avoid them. Yes, they can work in some cases....but they are too big of an investment for the risk involved. Sorry for your pain....but I'd really forget this guy.
shaded77 Posted February 9, 2009 Posted February 9, 2009 Very much true. I know from personal experience that sometimes things have a way of working out though…. Maybe not now, but 6 months, two years, five years from now. The only way in my opinion for this to work is if the two of you individually would like to live in the same place in the future… moving for someone you are just getting to know is not a good idea, but if you are both moving for your own personal interests you can get a chance of working things out.
nala0201 Posted February 9, 2009 Author Posted February 9, 2009 I'm aware that you just don't get to know a person in a couple of dates and of course both he and I realized that this was not going to be easy from the beginning. To be clear, we aren't just talking about a couple of emails/texts here and there. I met him in November 2007 and we maintained regular email/phone contact throughout 2007 and 2008. Say what you will, but I do feel as though I knew him to some extent even if we weren't having these conversations in person. In any case he sent me an email yesterday after 5 days of NC. I'm not sure what to do now. I realize at this point that this is practically impossible and will probably never work. I don't even know if I should respond and drag this out...
nala0201 Posted February 9, 2009 Author Posted February 9, 2009 Thank you for your advice Shaded. I'm not going to push it or pursue it...I don't think that will help solve anything either. I'm sorry that happened to you. Even if it is LD, there is still pain there when you lose that person no matter what anyone else says about it.
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