Stupid Text from Ex.

[misspearl]

Ok so, as my thread earlier discusses, I'd been having a pretty good reception from my ex. He texted me out of the blue a week ago. wanted to be 'friends' after like 4 months of NC. I'd felt that he'd been missing me. We saw each other, went for a walk, we were laughing and joking the entire time, it was as though nothing had changed between us . The only thing that was different is that we didn't kiss or anything, but other than that it was amazing, we were teasing, flirting snow ball fighting etc. We talked about everything, from facts to emotions, about how neither of us really feel like seeing other people yet because it's not the right time/not the right people etc.

 

Later that evening he texted me saying 'Question. Do you ever miss us?' I replied saying Yes.

 

That texting conversation ended quite quickly. A couple of days later we started to text each other having small talk. Then this morning he asked me what my plans are for the weekend (I got really excited thinking he's going to ask me out). I said, 'Not much planned yet...' Then he replied saying 'Maybe I'll introduce you to some nice guys. Plenty of time for dates.'

 

I was shocked - what kind of a disgusting message is that? Even if it's a joke. I was fuming/upset/aggrivated. It took me a while to think of what the best thing to say to that is. So I just said- "You know me. How could you say that?" He hasn't replied yet. What do you all think he was insinuating by that message? I'm very confused.

[Clabs]

Hi Misspearl

 

I would say from his message that he doesn't want back with you - he is happy to line you up with someone else. Take it for what it is, as much as I know it hurts.

 

Look back over your previous posts. Can you honestly say that the relationship you had with this guy was that great?

 

If I were you, I would turn around and walk away from this mess and ignore any further contact.

 

Take care hun.

 

Mark

[Crazyaboutdogs]

As I stated in a post on your previous thread, a lot of dumpers pull out the "I miss you" card but have no intentions of reconciling. This guy is behaving like an a**. He knows you would have gotten hopeful about reconciliation and then he throws that comment in your face. He got his nice ego boost toying with you and now he just threw a bucket of cold water over you. Unless a person specifically states "I want to get back together with you" then it is best not to read into any vague communications and interactions which look promising. There is a big difference between "looking" promising and actually "being" promising. Someone who really wants to get back together with an ex will say so clearly...no head games, no wishy washiness, no vague inuendoes and fluff words thrown here and there. Someone who is serious about getting back together would know that life is too short to waste time on meaningless words...they would take definitive actions. I would suggest that you not bother contacting this guy again. He is messing you about.

[TBE_1989]

Sorry to hear this, hun. I'm in a similar situation. Ex got my hopes up after months of NC, and now, nothing.

 

The thing to remember is that an ex can miss you, have SOME feelings for you, but not neccessarily want to get back together with you. It sounds like a contradiction, but it's true. I know, myself. I still have feelings for my ex, but they are not romantic or sexual ones. I only realised this in the past few days, and it's gone a long way to explaining the confusion that I feel. It IS possible that your ex misses you, enjoys your company, cares about you deeply, but does not want to reconcile a romantic relationship. It's a harsh realisation, but maybe this is truly the case in your situation.

 

Of course, we here can only speculate. He's the only one who really knows. But, from what you're telling us, it seems that he wants to be part of your life, just not in a romantic sense.

[NewPhillyGuy]

Don't know your whole story or what this guy is like, but it IS possible that he was testing the waters a bit. Perhaps, he wanted you to come back and say that you don't want any other guys. You just want him.

 

Frequently, I make the mistake of saying stupid stuff, and I say it over SMS. It's a "great" combination and a "great" way to make a jack*** out of myself.

 

My advice. I say this so much.

Use the phone part of your phone. (Imagine that.)

Call him up and respond to his stupid text over the phone.

Tell him you what you told us. Hey ex boyfriend, your message was stupid. I don't want any other guys. I want you, so wth is your problem. Are we doing this or not?

Guarantee you - his jaw will drop, even if he doesn't like you back.

Even if he doesn't like you back, know what, props to you for having the courage to pull it off. Your self-esteem will go up a notch.

 

You want to know the real deal, right?

Just do it and report back.

 

You want to know why I say this. He's asking if you miss him. I think he misses you.

[misspearl]

Ok so i said... You know me. How could you say something like that?

 

Then he said....

 

But you can't have completely lost interest in men. I'm finding this hard to believe. You're not gay I'm quite sure.

 

 

Then i said.....

 

Since when did being single being gay?! You know perfectly well why i can't do that. You know how I've always felt and will always feel. I meant those things I used to say. So stop this.

 

 

Then he said....

 

What then...you plan on being single forever?

 

 

And I still havent replied. I'm probably going to send him a long text explaining that I just can't go from something so meaningful to something random , and that i just dont know whats going to happen in the future. [What stupid texts he's sending me though, don't you think?]

[Mariahee]

i think since he sees you guys as friends now, and knows that its not going to work out as a romantic relationship between you two again he wants to help you get over him by introducing you to some good guys.

 

what do you think?

[mickie]

That man is an idiot!!! Someone told me that when you break up with someone is when you start seeing how stupid he/she can be. Leave the guy alone. He is not worth your time.

[Honesty]

Oh please STOP!

You are feeding his ego! Stop saying you know how I feel..stop all of that. He dumped you, remember.

If he really wanted you, you'd know about it.

Either ignore him, or if you have to reply, give it a "well I doubt you know any guys good enough for me, I'm happy being single anyway"

 

You are replying to him exactly what he wants to hear..respect your self and recognise your value and be dignified!

[misspearl]

But the stupid thing about this whole thing is, I could be asking him the exact same questions.

 

He has not dated or had a girlfriend since we broke up either.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

This guy is baiting you and patronizing you. He is rubbing it in your face that he no longer wants to be with you. He is being a first class jerk. Do not respond to him, do not waste your time on him. He is just doing this to get under your skin because that's what makes him feel better about himself. Pretty lame.

[servedcold]

What then...you plan on being single forever?

 

What a clod, write this guy out of your life right now, cut him off and move on. What you post makes it look like he is trying to salve his own pain by hurting you however he can OR is engaging in the clumsiest, most selfish fishing expedition ever conceived to find out if you have moved on. The best response is silence, but if you must contact him further, let him know that you are quite capable of managing your own personal life, that you have no trouble whatsoever meeting men, and that you don't appreciate being patronized.

[misspearl]

Well ive realised that i think hes doing this because of the trust issues we used to have. He thought that i never loved him at one point when we were breaking up. In response to what i said, he just texted me saying "I believe most of what you say...Sorry to cause you this bother. Take care x"

 

And I just replied "Take care. Good luck with the studies. x"

[KOKKID]

Oh please STOP!

You are feeding his ego! Stop saying you know how I feel..stop all of that. He dumped you, remember.

If he really wanted you, you'd know about it.

Either ignore him, or if you have to reply, give it a "well I doubt you know any guys good enough for me, I'm happy being single anyway"

 

You are replying to him exactly what he wants to hear..respect your self and recognise your value and be dignified!

 

 

Agreed...

 

The whole "You know how I feel" is EXACTLY what He wants to hear...He gets His ego boost for free...Plus He gets confirmation that he's still the only one...

[JohnGalt]

i tried to warn you in the other thread. Ego boost.

[Stereohead]

That’s why usually it’s a good idea-in your situation-not to restore contact. He’s not handling himself in a proper way but see how you’re handling it.

 

There is a small chance he’s just trying to see if you moved on yet. So there might be some feelings, but not enough to reconcile a relationship.

 

The obvious reply is what you’ve already heard, that you were feeding him the responses he was fishing for. Be it for ego boost, some part of him cares (and perhaps want you to move on) or whatever.

 

You’ve just landed yourself in another situation that you’ll have to heal from.

 

Be careful if you’re trying to be in another “relationship” with him, even if it is just a friendship. –He needs to know he’ll have to be straightforward with where the two of you stand and even might stand in the future.

 

If he can’t be straightforward with you, then don’t respond to him. Just leave. You deserve to have someone whose not going to play mind games-every girl dose.

 

Don’t feel bad though that you made a mistake and got yourself “played.”

 

If I were you, I’d tell him your happy being single right now because of the fact there’s no one playing my emotions. –Which is basically what your complaint about him is…

 

Good luck sweetie!

[lady00]

He's an insensitive ass. Ignore, then repeat as often as needed until said ass either goes away or wisens up. Until he gets a clue and stops texting you such things. What kind of person asks you if "you miss us" and then seems happy to hear it and then says these things?? This guy is terrible.

[misspearl]

Well when i saw him last week, we really had such an amazing time, like it was insane, but i didnt give him any indication that i wanted to get back with him. I just simply enjoyed myself and his company because we're so similar in our interests and everything we talk about really. We did talk about sensitive issues, but in such a normal and casual way that no one's emotions got trodden on and no one got hurt. I was just so casual about everything, and i was happy to be his friend, because normally i used to be the one who wanted contacted and he never ever used to want contact. IT was a massive pivotal turn that he suddenly craved being friends.

 

And now, I know you're all saying that he's an ass, and i can see how that might look from an outside perspective, but I've known this guy for 3 years and he's really not a vindictive sort of person. I think the "Do you miss us?" text was to make sure that i feel the same way about him, because i know that after a great day like that we spent together, it'd be impossible for him not to miss us. I know he's being a completee and utter stupid idiot on the whole, I do agree that he is doing a really terrible thing by texting me the stuff that he has recently, and i am disgusted, but it's clearly to test the waters now that i think about it. He wants to find out about how i feel about other guys. The question is, why? And also, even if it is an ego-boost, i actually dont care that i've given him an ego boost, because he needed one. This guy is not a player - he hasn't purposefully decided to 'play me', it's just that because of some of the stuff i put him through in our relationship, he lost a huge amount of trust in me at the end, and maybe he's just trying to re-build that. And I haven't asked him ANY of the same questions he asked me. Even though i could have easily said, "Why, do you?" I didn't say it to any one of his questions because i know perfectly well that he does miss me/that he does feel xyz. But I could text him telling him how unfair it is that he expects me to open up to him like that and then he can just stay silent, so I'm just going to be straight and say, 'What is it that you want from me exactly?'

[servedcold]

You have a mature, tolerant attitude about the whole thing, much moreso than his. The worst thing about this is that he displays no sensitivity at all to how these comments of his might make you feel, that's the true red flag IMO.

[Stereohead]

Your standing up for him cause you still like him…I fell into a mess by re-trusting a guy who hurt me badly. Don’t let your past feelings ignore the flags…you need to be just as careful about this…No one likes to see someone they care about doing something wrong. Be aware of your own feelings and heart.

 

Be straightforward with him next time…and why is every “serious” conversation over text…talk to him in person. That way you can see his bodies’ reaction.

 

You need to make sure it’s clear to him that he can’t be sending those type of questions/playing mind games with you. If he trusts you or not, if he’s trying to rebuild trust with you or not…You have to stand up for yourself…If whatever he sends you bothers you, tell him.

 

You came on here to complain about his text messages…just to return our advice with… “He’s not that type of guy….”

 

It’s good that you’re going to ask him “What is it that you want from me exactly.”

 

But be careful. From the sounds of it you do care about him…otherwise you wouldn’t be defending his character now.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Is he not vindictive? A person who is not vindictive would not "test" you to the point of hurting you like that. I have read a lot of this kind of behaviour on this forum and have even had deal with being subjected to this kind of crap. One thing that people should always be aware of...you can like someone, love someone, wish to get back together with them....but that doesn't mean you are obligated to defend their actions and try to come up with more palatable reason for their crappy behaviour. It is okay to view someone as behaving like as ahole even though you still care about them. I do not believe in unconditional love where if you love someone you have to make excuses for things they are doing wrong. I believe you can love someone and still tell them they are out of line, they are being cruel and insenstive etc. While you may be trying to convince yourself that it is because of your actions that he is "testing" you and baiting you and that he really isn't like this...well...HE IS like this or else he wouldn't be doing it, he would be having open dialogue about the relationship, what went wrong etc rather than baiting you, tricking you, testing you, hurting you.

[jammer180]

my ex did something similar recently. got in contact via email after 6 months of no contact, and i think hes still with the girl he's been with since us. i didn't respond and then a few days later he messaged me on msn to talk. i was fuming mad becuase i had chosen not to respond to his email and was mad that he'd try to force his information about his life on me after i chose not to respond for my own reasons... anyway, i was hoping he was getting in contact because he missed us... i have a thread on here recently about it... but i think that people are just selfish sometimes. he was probably just trying to see if he could stroke his ego by seeing if i was still pining for him.

 

your ex seems as though hes being a bit selfish too dont you think? i know you want to defend him, i have tried defending my ex too, but im done with it. what he did was selfish and it hurt my feelings, and he didnt even think about how id feel about this random contact after this long. i think you should ignore your ex, even if he texts you anything else. he's trying to make himself feel better and/or stroking his ego by probing you with intimate questions about whether or not you miss him. it's totally innapropriate and selfish. i know you think you know him and he's not a person like that, but the facts are there, he IS doing it. whether or not he's that TYPE of person, doesn't really matter. once in awhile we are all selfish to some degree, and this is him just being selfish.

 

if he wanted you back, he'd be a bit more up front about it. and if you really want to find out if that's what he wanted, i suggest being aloof with him. don't respond to texts, and if you do just respond with one worders and nothing about how you feel about him. if he thinks hes losing you again he might spit out what he really wanted to say, if he really wanted to say something at all. it sounds like he was just being selfish though.

[misspearl]

Ok, I'm considering doing this. Some time this week, I'm going to call him and ask him to meet up chat etc. (because I hate deep conversations via text- truly hate- should not have answered his questions from the start via text) And I'm just going to say,

 

'Listen, you said you'd like to be friends which was fine, and I had an amazing time on Tuesday, but I can't be tolerant of these questions you've been throwing at me ever since then. One minute youre asking if i miss us, and then one minute you're asking me if i want to be set up on dates with your friends. It's seriously weird, it's destructive to my emotions, and I don't need this right now. I loved the place where we were at when i saw you, It was as though nothing had changed and I know you'll always be an amazing person to hang out with when i do spend time with you. But you can't ask me all these deep sudden questions and then when i do respond, then say 'oh ok,take care' and then give me zero indication as to why you even asked, or what the hell is going on. I feared this whole thing would mess with my head, and I was right. So unless you have some kind of solution to this, I really can't hear from you out of the blue anymore. It doesn't matter how pleasant it is initally, but i know the aftermath is going to be bitter, so it's best we leave it out completely. Us being 'just friends' doesn't work; you mean too much to me, and I clearly mean something to you which i dont even understand myself. So, either we should be together again once and for all, or we should just say goodbye permenantly once and for all. It's up to you. I won't take personally which ever decision you choose to make, but i can't handle anything 'inbetween'. If you care about me and would like me to stay sane, please understand that'.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I would strongly urge you not to call him to set up a time to meet. You are simply setting yourself up for more hurt. Let it go. The next time he pulls a stunt like this THEN you can tell him very bluntly: "I would like to reconcile with you and re-build the relationship, if you are not interested then I think it is best for you to not contact me anymore unless you change your mind." Do not discuss your emotions and feelings and how hurt you are that he is doing this to you. Just be straight to the point telling him what you want out of this and if he is not interested then it is time to end the frivolous nature of these interactions. In other words you don't have to feed his ego by telling him how badly you feel...you basically tell him if he wants to make an honest effort that's wonderful, if he wants BS then have a nice life. The way you wanted to phrase things just shows you are hurting big time and his actions are getting to you...that's exactly what would feed his ego. You need to show him that you are tough, you are strong and you are not interested in settling for anything less than the real deal.

[misspearl]

I guess i was too emotionally wound up when i wrote the original message. I'm probably going to say something more along the lines of what you suggested.

 

But this guy, he does stuff like this.

 

E.g., once when we were on non-talking terms, about a year ago, he texted me and say, 'You busy tonight?' And there's me thinking I'm about to be asked out. I said, No, why? And then he replied 'Just asking.'

 

SO ANNOYING.

 

And then a week ago- 'You in London?' - 'Yes, why?' - 'No reason'.

Two days later i said- 'Did you want to meet up by the way? (a second later) - 'Yes, what time?'

 

He never speaks his mind in these situations and i feel frustrated. It's like he comes so close, and then backs away, unless I say something.

Or another time- 'So you going for a walk to clear your head...?' - 'Yes'. - 'You going for a walk now...?' - 'Yes'. - 'Cool...' - 'Did you want to join me or something' - 'Will you wait for me

 

It's quite amusing, it really is.