Jump to content

Is it still there: emotional abuse


strongheart

Recommended Posts

Hi everyone:

I'm new here and I've been meaning to find time to figure out and sort some things out.

 

 

Well, I'm not so sure where to start, but I suppose I haven't been such an expert on talking about my emotions.

 

 

I am at the point in my life where I am questioning my awareness, understanding, and consciousness of my own past and problems. Perhaps any one who is reading this right now would be able to give me some pointers.

 

 

Since I was a young person, I've dealt with heavy criticizm about my weight/appearance, and I can now finally admit that I am a victim of emotional abuse and eating disorders. Through out the last 5-7 years, I've had trouble coming to a conclusion that I was dealing with eating disorders and emotional abuse.

 

 

There's been many locked and repressed memories that I've refused to remember. Sometimes they come back, when an angry thought

triggers it, but some times, I can't even recall certain bad memories when I want to. By the time I was in middle school, I taught myself to forget and restrain all the bad memories I had. The outcome of restraining these bad memories is that it's made it difficult to recall everything and to fully express my emotions when I want to.

 

 

Since I am the oldest daughter of my family, there was constant pressure on me to fulfill every aspect of life since I was born. Following a tragic accident I had that left me with third degree burns on the side of my face, I gained weight as a child; which is where I felt was the turning shift of my parent's love for me. Believe it or not, not all parents love or care for their kids; like they should. Favortism was also another form of relationship that existed within my mother's side of the family, and as the person I was then, I sensed quickly where I was wanted or appreciated or not.

 

 

It was a painful experience; to grow up with adults, family, relatives, everyone around you belittling and picking on you for just simply being who you are. I was constantly stared at, criticized, and taken by the side to hear my family members' diet suggestions, for as long as I could remember. I hated taking photos with the family, I was shy, and tried to avoid confrontation or groups of adults as much as possible.

 

 

For the most of it, I feel a tremendous amount of anger towards my mother, though I'm sure I feel mad at the world itself sometimes. I never received much clothes through out adolesense, and my mother would always remind me that clothes would look much better on me if I had been thin/thinner. It was upsetting and I felt embarrassed, and in my pwn mother's defense, I'm sure my mother was embarrassed too. Till this day, I feel so angry at her for not being there for me, because all along, I felt as if she was against me, and robbed me of my childhood. I had to grow up quick, and I'm sure a lot of people who are reading this knows how that feels.

 

 

On our outings, she never bought me any goodies, and had always purchased two items; one for each of my younger siblings only. She always told me that I couldn't have the things my siblings could because I was fat; which I understand now, but couldn't quite deal with when I was in elementary. Her dieting plan for me was that she sat right next to me during every meal and every snack I had, whether if we were at home or guests at someone's home, she examined every single bite I made. She observed every little thing I consumed, and if she didn't approve, she'd tell me I couldn't have it; right then and there, loud and clear; even if it was a tiny little piece of bacon that had been burnt to a black crisp. It was so embarrassing, and my cousins looked at me as if I was some sort of freak. At that age, I'm glad to say that I was strong enough to brush it off and tell myself it was nothing....but the most hurtful thing was when other people started sensing the mistreatment when I tried to ignore it.

 

 

It hurt me as a kid, and I'm not sure why but it still bothers me to this day, but I dont want to be hurt by it anymore because whats done has been done. It got so bad to the point where I once took a chalk board and wrote on the very top of the board, "I Want A New Family". Right down the middle of the title, I drew a straight line, and I listed the reasons why I wanted a new family and all the things she did to me that hurt me. Apparently, I was fed up with my mother. During this time, I was declining extremely in elementary; I was feeling anxiety on and off, and I was worrying about everything, and worrying about things I should'nt have been.

 

 

By the time high school came by, I lost about 40 pounds, and these were the years where everyone tries to fit in, and I hung out with everyone I wanted to. I never had a problem making friends, though I was shy. I then got into the habit of throwing up my food occasionally, when I no longer had time to work out. I had starved myself previously and eventually things started catching up to me. All the weight I had lost was gained back...my depression came back, and I was failing in school as usual. Now I know that it was because I never had confidence, and I was never on the right mindset to do well because of my anxiety and depression. I ended up not graduating and was sent to a continuation school where I eventually pushed myself to graduate with a GED. Through all of this bull * * * * , I wanted better for myself, and I wanted to prove my parents that I was worthy of everything, and even their love.

 

 

I had worked a food job in high school, and I tried to support my family and parents at the same time. But looking back, I wish I had just

supported myself more so that I would've been more stable now. High school is the most hated and dreaded part of my life. When I was 15, my mother and I got into several feuds and fights, and my father, whom I looked up to most of my childhood, had begun to drift away from me as well. Though he was never supportive of me and my passion for singing, I still looked up to him. Times were hard for all of us, and I felt pretty fed up with life, where I told my mother I wanted to kill myself, but she didn't say anything...because I dont think she knew what to say. I wanted to run away at times but couldnt...

 

 

My education and health was going down the drain, my mother treated me like crap, and I was handed with adult tasks and to care for my younger siblings, while they treated me like a kid. I felt as if I had no say in my life then...When I got home from school, I made dinner for everyone, did the dishes, cleaned the house; while my parents still complained that I didn't do enough...and my mother was always yelling that I never did anything for her. So, it's explainable that my mother and I will always have this undying grudge towards eachother. I question my mother's love for me at times... Times when she even asked me why I looked like her, times when she leaned over to my sister and lent her money, and my sister asked her if she was going to give me any as well, and she whispered in my sister's ear that I had to get my own money and work....many things shes done to me still hurts and makes me wonder....wonder things that a kid shouldn't.

 

There are reasons why Im questioning my inner-emotions now. I want to know if I'm okay and how I should be dealing with these emotions in order to prevent future problems. I'm afraid that I'll have flashbacks and not be able to control them; and that I will try to live my dreams through my kids if I ever have kids one day. I've tried seeking professional help once, and all I did was cry and beat around the bush; which lead the counselor into telling me to come back when Im ready to talk about my feelings.

 

 

I am currently at the point in my life where, I'm standing at the crossroads of giving my parents the finger and saying "the hell with them". As much as I want them to be happy and apart of my life, I've learned to accept that they've accepted me as their unfortunate one. The one that couldn't fulfill their "all"... though they never really helped me achieve anything in the first place. I've always been a strong person mentally, and I am also in a relationship with a great, and stonger person than I am whose seen and dealt with a lot himself. I don't have much but I've learned to appreciate everything I do have in life.

 

 

Feel free to respond back with what you have in mind....I'm trying to express these thoughts after some 22 odd years, and I just wanna come to a clean conscious.

 

 

 

 

 

Thanks for reading.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

If I were you, I'd take myself as far away from my family as I could... it is not worth if you are getting that kind of emotional abuse. It sounds like you've been through enough for one lifetime. Tabula rasa. Blank slate.

 

Thank you for sharing all of that. It must feel good to get it all out, and that is certainly a start to dealing with all of it. I would highly recommend trying counseling again, if you feel you are ready to talk about it.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...