Struggling with a boyfreind back home and a someone here

[mariabella]

Hello, i am new to this forum, and having a lot of problems now with my relationship. I don't know where to go for help, so i thought i would check out a forum. Maybe i can get some good advice from unbiased people. So here is the sitatuion:

I am studying abroad in Sweden, and originally from the USA, which is where my boyfriend is going to school. We have only been together for 3 months, and 1 of the months has been while i have been in Sweden. I know it has not been very long but it is very serious already. I love him for what i know of love.

I was in a relationship with someone for a year and i never felt much for him besides just someone to hang out with. But with this new guy, i just feel so good when i am with him, when i see his face, when i hear his voice, when i think about him. I can't imagine being without him. I love him. So our relationship started out with us sleeping together while he had a gf. I know that is bad, but it's the way it started out. We were hanging out for a while before that though.

So anyway, i knew i liked him a lot before i left for Sweden, but i thought hey i'm going to a different country and i might just find someone there. I wasn't too worried about the relationship until i got over here. After being here for a day i realized how much i cared about him and i didn't even look at anyone else. I was so completely in love with him that i didn't care about anything else. So i would stay home all the time and talk to him online for hours and hours.

After a little while though i met this guy named Kevin who i started to become friends with. He is really nice, and i had a lot of fun with him. We both had no intentions of anything other than friendship. He knew i had a boyfriend and respected it completely. But after a while it became apparent to other people that we had some feelings for eachother and once they pointed it out we realized it ourselves. So then we spend Valentine's Day night together talking about it and i found out how much he cared about me, and that i had some feelings for him. We have been talking about it for about 2 weeks now. Also the other night he tried to kiss me and i pushed him away, but then we ended up sleeping in the same bed together because i just wanted to.

So i have told my boyfriend about all of this and he is very upset, and said i need to really think about waht i want. All i can think about is how i love my boyfriend Eric. I will not let myself think about being with Kevin and my real feelings for him because i am scared that i will actually really want to be with him, and that is not at all what i want to happen. I just want things to stay the way they are. I have it planned out to live with my boyfriend when i get back, and he loves me and wants to be with me forever. We are very serious, but this is changing everything.

I don't know what to do. I go back and forth everyday about how i feel. Somedays i am so upset with myself for even considering anything with somebody else, because all i want is Eric and i would not be able to handle not being with him. And then other days i wonder if maybe i do have feelings for Kevin, and maybe i should think about them, but then i block that out of my head. It is so confusing.

Also Eric is coming to visit me in 3 weeks, so i don't know what to do about that. If anyone could give me any advice that would be great. Everyone i talk to about it is biased in some way. There is so much about it to say, but i don't want to make this too long. It is already too long. So i will just add to it after people give advice, if they do. I hope so. I would really appreciate anything.

Thank you

Maria

[Beec]

Maria, you cannot have your cake and eat it too. You cannot have two relationships and few guys, apparently Eric is not among them, would accept you fooling around with Kevin while committed to a relationship with them. How would you feel if Eric was doing it with another woman? You need to make a decision and stick to it.

 

On anthoer note, never discuss or admit your physical weaknesses, i.e. desire for anohter, to your significant other whether acted on or not. We can accept the concept that you might find another attractive, but we do not want the details.

[mariabella]

I am not fooling around with the other guy. He tried to kiss me, i pushed him away. I have not done anything with him besides pass out on a bed with him, and talk to him alot about how he feels, and a little about how i feel. And the reason i tell my boyfriend about it is because if i don't then it is lying. I can't hide it from him, that is worse than telling him. It's not like i was trying to have two relationships. I just wanted a friend from over here, because i needed to get out once in a while instead of siting on the computer all the time. But it turned out being more than just a friend. And now it is all one big mess. I odn't know what my feelings are for Kevin. We just hang out and have fun together doing nothing really. Just talking and shopping and walking. It is a friendship that just has strong feelings on his side, and i don't know what it is on my side because i try to not let myself think about it. Because i know that i love Eric, so i dont' think there is a point in reading into it, but i don't know. Maybe i should, because maybe it is only fair to me and to him that i read into it more. I don't know what to do.

[Beec]

Well, we will disagree about having to tell everything to our s.o.s. I don't tell mine everything or expect her to tell me everything. I also don't consider sharing a bed, under any circumstances, with a different woman. If I did in soem inncoent way, I would not tell my gf.

 

Now that you have told Eric, make him feel secure with the idea and make sure Kevin knows you are not available. That's really your only option. What else are you going to do, unless you dump Eirc for Kevin?

[mariabella]

See the problem is Eric doe not feel secure at all with it, because i had already told him that Kevin and I were just friends and it was over with. And he trusted me, but then i ended up in the same bed with him, and now i screwed that up. So Eric is going to have a hard time trusting me again. I'm not sure how to really regain his trust, besides just give it a lot of time to show him that i can be faithful. But does that mean that i have to give up my friendship with Kevin, and that i should just forget about him altogether? That is what i'm not sure about. If i should try to figure out if i have feelings for Kevin, or if i can still be friends with him, or if i should just stay away from him for a while, because i think staying away would probably be best for Eric. It's just that it's hard when he's such a good friend now.

[Beec]

If you want to keep Eric, you need to do what is going to make him feel secure. If that means ending contact with Kevin, you may just have to do that. If you want Eric, what else is there to figure out?