Rose21 Posted February 7, 2009 Posted February 7, 2009 This is really just a vent post, since no advice can really be given to me. I've just been affected by this and it really bothers me. My boyfriend told me tonight that his sister who is 28 and has a 3 yr old daughter (lives in TX) has decided she wants to move to Florida to live with her boyfriend and leaver her daughter back in TX with her ex husband. He rationality for this is that she doesn't want to keep the daughter away from the ex. She's head over heels in dept, and some reason she thinks going to live with her boyfriend is going to make a difference. She has always been awful with money, being in debt etc, that's why her marriage failed. It amazes me how she and my boyfriend are related. He told me she was always the wild child, she never went to anything more then a trade school instead of college and got mixed up in all kinds of things. He said when she was 17 his parents sent her to Florida for 2 yrs to live with their grandparents because the parents just couldn't deal with her anymore. When we first started going out, he told me that she called him in the middle of the night to ask him to give her $1,000 out of his account for college so she could go see her boyfriend in Florida spur of the moment. And I was totaly furious about this. This is HIS money, and his 28 yr old sister is asking her 18 yr brother (at the time) for basically all of his money? Unacceptable!! I don't know what to think of this. I always thought even though she was irresponsible she truly loved her child and seemed to be a genuinly good mom. Then I hear about this and it just flabbergahsts me. I dont want kids. I want a romantic, childless marriage, but nonetheless I still love kids and the fact that a mother could do this to her own little girl for her own selfish gain just makes me so angry. Opinions on this?
abitbroken Posted February 7, 2009 Posted February 7, 2009 Well, I know someone like this. My ex sister in law. Only she didn't permanently leave her kid. She just sort of disappeared for a few weeks when she met a new guy. Her family couldn't reach her. her kid was with the grandparents. Now she is married to that guy, has a kid with him, and has her older son. I think the best thing you guys can do is create a boundary. Just tell her "no". hang up if you have to. Don't even act like you MIGHT help. There may have been so many people before that have enabled her, and she may be used to getting somebody somewhere to give her money. Also, I think the sister doesn't have much self esteem. If she did, she would realize that she has worth and doesn't need to chase a guy down. She will either end up pushing until someone says "yes" and gives into her or she will give up on that guy and latch on to someone more local. With my ex SIL, basically she was raised were the girls were allowed to run rampant and the boys the parents were hard on. So she never learned responsibility for herself, how to manage money, etc. She had jobs, and would start to do well but would quit the minute she was going to get a raise or promotion. If the ex husband is a very good father to his daughter, is more stable than the mother, and would love to raise her, maybe that is the best thing to happen to this little girl as long as the father gets custody and the mother doesn't just get to get her back and then dump her again whenever she feels like it.
Rose21 Posted February 7, 2009 Author Posted February 7, 2009 Yeah true. She's been with her boyfriend a little over a year, and I think they're planning on getting married. He also has kids. Ugh something like that. She's very selfish. The idea of her asking her little brother for money just makes me angry.
BeStrongBeHappy Posted February 7, 2009 Posted February 7, 2009 There might be something deeper going on here... if she is a 'wild child' odds are very high that she is also a drug/alcohol user, and many people addicted to meth/coke/alcohol lose their maternal instinct to the addiction. So there may be a good chance that she is sinking deeper into addiction and wants to go to Fla. and party with her boyfriend and might know she is not a good mother now (and hence the child is better with her father). Of course she most likely will not admit a drug addiction to her brother and family, but it sounds like there might be more to this story. People who are decent human beings can do amazingly terrible and short sighted things when addicted to drugs, and ruin their lives. So i would reserve judgment and not interfere by suggesting she should take the child with her. Perhaps it is better for the child to stay with its father if the mother is addicted to drugs.
Batya33 Posted February 7, 2009 Posted February 7, 2009 I would mostly stay out of it and not get too worked up about it. Just like your bf cut you a lot of slack when you were going through your emotional rollercoasters/upheavals that you've written about several times, it might be good for your stomach acid and your relationship to consider that you can't be totally sure what is going on in this person's life and that right now you don't really have much justification to interfere with advice. If you marry this person and combine finances, of course you will have a say in where the money goes. However, even though she seems like a trainwreck, be careful not to put yourself in a situation where you are asking him to choose between the two of you.
JeckyllNHyde Posted February 7, 2009 Posted February 7, 2009 I'd be saddened to hear this too that his sister is just leaving her child behind. But since you say she is a "wild child", can't control finances whatsoever, and just doesn't really seem to think before she does stuff, I think her father may be able to provide a MUCH better environment and upbringing for the kid. Plus, if a mom is willing to give up/part with her child to go live with a new bf to "fix her debt problem", then maybe she isn't as attatched to the child or doesn't see it as a big deal being separated. I know even my dad for instance, when he was going thru a big transition in life (lost his wife) he did leave me and my sister with our grandparents, but he always visited (like twice a day) and put us first. Some parents are just a bit selfish.
laisla Posted February 7, 2009 Posted February 7, 2009 that sucks, some people are soo irresponsible, but then again it might be better that she allows her ex-h to take care of the kids instead of herself?
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