smilemore Posted February 7, 2009 Posted February 7, 2009 My ex and I broke up about 2 weeks ago. Im heart broken but Im trying to learn in my head that he isnt right for me despite the way my heart feels. He didnt respect me nor love me the same way I loved him. Here is a brief story. I have access to his email. About two months ago I caught him in his emails "flirting" with other friends. i.e. "Hey sexy pictures. You look hot." It's one thing when men are complimentary to other women, but another when your own man doesnt even speak to you that way, but he will with others! I was devasted and had to fess up and tell him. It felt like a blessing that I caught it, b/c had I not, I fear the "innocent flirting" online could have eventually snowballed into much worse.....B/c I forced him to look at WHY he was doing this flirting, it caused him to realize that "he loves me, but he isnt IN LOVE with me", and we ended things. Here is the current problem. I STILL have acces to his email. I guess he forgot I had his password or just never remembered....I dont know....but I have a problem with constantly checking it to see what he is up to. I wonder.... Has he moved on so quickly, is he sad like me, what's going through his head....etc. The sad thing is....now that things are over it's like what I caught him doing has exploded. Now he is double timing it with contacting women, telling them they are sexy, etc. ( YES I KNOW THIS IS THE DUMBEST THING FOR ME TO DO!) Does anyone want to try and explain to me how after 2 years of dating he is sooooo quickly contacting women, telling them they are hot, sexy, etc.... Part of breaking up is trying to understand things so I guess this is a healing step for me.....Is this a man's way of trying to fool himself into quickly getting over women? Or is he just trying to get some good attn out of women to cover up the guilt he feels from hurting me? Or is he just that much of an ass? Why do men try to rebound so quickly or is this not normal?
Seymore Posted February 7, 2009 Posted February 7, 2009 I've known women to do it, too. Maybe some men are more internal and that's how they express themselves, or try to "get over" it. Can't see how it works, though.
waltwhit Posted February 7, 2009 Posted February 7, 2009 I have several times, after ending a long relationship (2 and a half years) hooked up with a random girl the very night I and my ex broke up. For me it was just a part of the purging process, and in fact I was ready to get out of the relationship quite a while before it actually happened, I was just not man enough to break up with her myself. I instead chose to wait until it just fell apart or she would break up with me due to lack of interest. I also resorted to starting arguments quite frequently, all so I could get away with not feeling bad about breaking up with her. All the while, I was fantasizing about hooking up with other girls, and so when the time finally came that we broke up, I was already long since over her and ready for some new action. Sad and pathetic I know, but I was younger and much less mature than I am now. Not sure if this helps, but another thing to keep in mind is that it seems that men can separate feelings from sex a lot more easily than can women. Thus, it may seem impossible to you that he would have sex with another woman so quickly after breaking up with you simply because you could NEVER bring yourself to do that. But that is a bad barometer to use in order to judge the situation, because for men, we can have sex and have no emotional attachment. That is not to say that sex is not emotional for men, but rather that sex CAN be emotional for men when it is with a woman they love, but it doesn't HAVE to be.
Seymore Posted February 7, 2009 Posted February 7, 2009 Not sure if this helps, but another thing to keep in mind is that it seems that men can separate feelings from sex a lot more easily than can women. That is not to say that sex is not emotional for men, but rather that sex CAN be emotional for men when it is with a woman they love, but it doesn't HAVE to be. I almost wish that was totally true. I wish I could just go to a bar and take a woman home for a wild night. I can't separate sex from emotion. I'm at the point where I almost WANT to be able to, but my gut tells me "No, you can't".
doyathink Posted February 7, 2009 Posted February 7, 2009 As you stated tho...he was doing this before he left. So what makes you think he wouldn't continue? He hasn't just suddenly started this...he's BEEN doing this.
waltwhit Posted February 7, 2009 Posted February 7, 2009 I almost wish that was totally true. I wish I could just go to a bar and take a woman home for a wild night. I can't separate sex from emotion. I'm at the point where I almost WANT to be able to, but my gut tells me "No, you can't". Wow, well ok, so maybe I'm wrong. All I know is me, and I can definitely separate sex from emotion. Unless it's with a girl I have once loved, that's different. But I can definitely just have a one-nighter and feel nothing. I choose not to, because of moral reasons, but I definitely am capable of it!
Seymore Posted February 7, 2009 Posted February 7, 2009 I guess it's moral reasons for me too, so I hear you on that. But I wish I could sometimes.
servedcold Posted February 7, 2009 Posted February 7, 2009 Welcome to ENA. Neither men nor women move on as quickly as it seems, though it looks otherwise. Much of it is defense mechanism and self medicating behavior.
Jd1983 Posted February 7, 2009 Posted February 7, 2009 You stated that you caught him doing this 2 months before you guys broke up? Apparently he's been feeling this way before the initial break up. For starters, you have to stop reading his emails - Yes, I know it's hard but if you continue doing so you will just be more disappointed. I'm sorry that you have to feel this way, but this guy is clearly showing you that he just isn't ready for a committed relationship right now.
jlroger Posted February 10, 2009 Posted February 10, 2009 Why do men rebound so fast? Simple, its all about pride especially with younger guys. Pride makes up for a big part of the relationships. Maybe he had already been talking with this girl before hand. Right after a relationship men feel the need to be wanted. So they talk to many girls trying to flirt by giving them compliments hoping to get a compliment back. It does a ton for self confidence.
drewciouS281 Posted February 10, 2009 Posted February 10, 2009 men rebound faster cause either in thier eyes the relationship and spark died a while ago so the break up wasnt really that difficult. or just the fact that now thier free and can go get with ANY girl they want now. There are many reasons for someone to rebound and cant be narrowed down to one but you are doing things the correct way. Ive found that the main reason people rebound guy or girl, is because the right guy or girl just so happens to be there at the right timeing of he/her being vulnerable and stuff happens to fill that empty feeling. for me when im going through a break up no matter who ends it, i decide to deal with it in solitude until i truly feel ready to get back out there. In my solitude i realize the good and bad of things, what i want to change about my life and self now that that chapter with my SO has ended. While im caring for myself the ex is out getting wasted and rebounding but what happens a month or two down the road? they want to talk! but if you heal yourself in the beginning stages while they just drink it or sleep with others to fill it, you will be the triumphant one! keep it up but the one thing you need to stop doing is, STOP CHECKING HIS EMAILS!!! you will never move forward if you keep doing that!
HulloThere Posted February 11, 2009 Posted February 11, 2009 yah when i was younger i tryed sleeping with a girl the very night of breaking up. For me, it made me feel horrible so I stopped doing it. I guess it just depends on the person...
sad_panda Posted March 6, 2009 Posted March 6, 2009 You sound like my male counterpart haha. My ex and I were also together for 2.5 years. Anyway I did exactly what you've done, from being a coward about breaking it off myself to hooking up with someone soon after the break-up, although mine wasn't on the same night. I had a one-night stand three weeks after my ex dumped me. It's not the kind of thing I did (my ex was the first guy I slept with, and the one-night stand was the second) but I didn't have any regrets. It was something that helped me heal, as screwed up as it was.
kmae23 Posted March 7, 2009 Posted March 7, 2009 I can really sympathize. I know my ex has done this and then we have gotten back together. I think sometimes people are just too attached to the new feelings and after being in a ltr for a while they start to crave it again. I thought my ex learned after leaving and coming back enough times. But even if he didn't want to break up recently, I could tell he was still interested in the excitement of a new relationship. He just talked himself into staying with me, because he thought that was what was best. In the past he flirted like that too. I think it boosted his ego. But when I confronted him he also decided the passion was gone. But then he would go out, mess around and feel ten times worse. And come running back, making every promise in the book. To the point- I think people convince themselves its what they want because they crave the addicting feelings of dating someone new. So it is naturally a self-fulfilling prophesy. They are convinced they want it, so they end it and go out and give into what they think they want. Many times people realize it wasn't what they wanted and then start to miss the ex and want them back. Don't be surprised if this happens. In my case, I would take him back and try to understand. But after about 6 mo. or so, he would start looking at porn more, looking at girls more when we went out and would stop giving me sexual attention. I would feel he resented me for wanting him and the more I gave him sexual attention the more he would be frustrated. Maybe because he made him feel alienated. He could no longer convince himself that the way he felt was normal, if I was the opposite. Oh, and he always had the upper hand. GO FIGURE!! So I chose to end it. Even though I knew he was convinced he didn't want to. Because although he learned his lesson, he couldn't stop feeling addicted to the attention and excitement. Who knows, just what I have gathered after going through the cycle 3 + times. In the end my ex wasn't happy with himself and life and the more stressed he became, the more he looked for other outlets to self-medicate. Even if its something that you understand and even that he understands, its a hard thing to fix.
jackk Posted March 7, 2009 Posted March 7, 2009 how you said "he doesnt talk to me like that" the reason for that is that random women on the internet are nothing more than a object/picture, he didnt talk to them the same because he doesnt have to be the same person on the internet.
redreine Posted March 7, 2009 Posted March 7, 2009 I asked my ex about this, and he said not all guys do it. So I asked him specifically why he does it, and he told me that he learned a long time ago not to dwell on the past. I don't think that men and women like my ex realize that there is a time after a break-up for which you need to set aside to heal. And sorry, a break-up that happened 2 days ago? Not your past. Even though it isn't today, it is still part of the present. As long as you have any inkling of a slight feeling or emotion for your ex, you're still dealing with the break-up. Sometimes people move on well with rebound relationships, even marry their rebounds. Most times, in my experience, it's the rebound that makes them realize they need you. (However please don't take this as some sort of false hope) Good luck, OP! *hugs*
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