Please help! I feel helpless

[columbine]

My best mate just broke up with her girlfriend and she's utterly devastated.

 

The girlfriend broke it off, telling her that while she loved her, it was too intense. My friend is heartbroken and can't believe it.

 

The thing is, my friend has had a difficult life, a few things have happened to make her emotionally unstable and left her with bad feelings about relationships. Her own mother abused her for 12 years, and all her ex boyfriends have treated her badly, including one getting her pregnant and leaving her to go through an abortion all by herself, and another beating her up.

 

she met this girl and was so happy; it was her first relationship with another female and it seemed great for her, the girl is lovely and kind and beautiful etc.

 

But they've broken up. I think it might be because my friend, with all that has happened to her, has become very needy. she's very full on, has mood swings from hysteria to depression.

 

she also throws herself into the relationships she has, spending every 2nd with the person. This, i think, made the gf feel exhausted and could be the main reason for the break up.

 

I want to help my friend out, as i don't think she's aware of how emotionally draining she can be. I watch her relationships crumble because they get fed up with her time and time again. I've told her she's a very intense person to be around, but I want to help her understand without hurting her too much. I'm always there for her, and she knows that. But due to her nature there are few other people who are there for her, because people tire of her and i'm feeling really strained.

 

I'm also worried as she's very down atm and often resorts to self harm in times of depression.

 

Please help.

[Supa_gurl]

The best thing you can do for her right now is be there for her. She is your best mate so be her shoulder to lean on. Once she feels stronger, talk to about her issues. Maybe you can help her with her next relationship.

[waltwhit]

Your friend is going to need therapy in order to understand that she is uncomfortable with herself and thus has to be around someone else all the time and, in fact, has to rely on them for her sanity.

 

She really needs to spend some tough time within herself, getting to the bottom of all the issues she has, and the feelings she has about what happened to her as a child, because she is simply re-creating these situations in her everyday life over and over again, and will continue to do so until she is able to confront her feelings about herself and about what happened to her. It is a subconscious drive that she has to continually re-experience her childhood in hopes each time she re-creates it, that it will have a different outcome. That maybe THIS TIME she will be loved the way she wants to and deserves to be loved. However, this will never happen until she can get what is in her subconscious out, because it is what is underneath it all that ensures that she will have the same experiences over and over again.

 

yes you need to be there for her, especially if she is dangerous to herself during these times, but the most important thing is you will need to convince her to get therapy. To talk to someone who is a professional and who can help her get all this crap out. The buggar of it, though, is that going to see someone will not help a lick unless it is SHE that wants to go see someone and unless SHE REALLY wants to resolve these issues once and for all. So it will be tricky and a true test of yourself, but you will have to find a way to convince her that SHE wants desperately to change. Otherwise, she will give up at the first sign of things being tough, which will happen right off the bat.

 

Hope at least a bit of this was helpful, and cheers to you for being a good friend!