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Big trouble. Please don't reply unless you have kids.


KG

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Big fight tonight between my son and I. He feeds his pets, is supposed to feed, walk them, clean up afterwards.

 

He's in the other room, on the 'puter, talking with his G/F. I notice he just fed them, then back in their pens. I call him out, he denies it. It get's escalated.

He gets phone taken away, I go to my room to cool down. He thinks my door is closed..gets on the phone to a buddy.

 

" My ass--le Dad interuppted me talking to _____. The onl;y reason I didn't stick a knife in his throat is cuz he's an ass___e. He works so much, comes home grumpy, and treats me like s__t. I hate his a_s"

 

I had spent the better part of today trying to get the snowmobile running, so he could tahe his G/F riding tomorrow, he knows this.

 

* * * ??????????? Have I lost all contact with him?

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KG,

 

I know I've posted on your threads before, but after Victoria's post, I went back and read some of your original posts. I must admit, that you are a better man than I. I know I had it hard with my son growing up (he's 19 now and out of the house) but I will never complain about him again after now knowing that you are a single dad raising a teenager! So with that said....

 

I noticed one post where you went to a bereavement group. Has your son ever gone to either a support group or counseling?

 

Yes, some of his cr*p does sound like typical teenager bs. But I agree with Victoria that it sounds like he has a lot of anger built up inside and he is having a hard time in knowing how to cope with it. I did go through anger issues with my son, so I know how frustrating it can be.

 

I've also seen your woot-woot posts and I know you love him and are proud of him and it does sound like you are doing all of the right things, but his anger (and resentment?) are his primary issues.

 

To sum it up, get him into a support group or counselor to help him cope with the loss of his mom.

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I think it would be OK to have a talk with him, and call him on his comments to his friends. Just to acknowledge that, yes, this is a hard time, and it's OK to feel angry and frustrated. But, you're trying your hardest to keep things going, and you'd appreciate some slack from him, just as you give him some slack. You're in this together. I would try to speak to him respectfully and ask that he do the same to you and about you. I have called my daughter on this kind of thing many times. I don't punish or yell, but I try to be honest about where I'm at and how she is affecting me. It seems to keep things going in the right direction. All the best.

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I agree that your son may have underlying issues that would be best addressed by a counselor. As far as the behavior goes, what worked best on my teenage son was very clear instructions that include which other things do not come first. For example, "Yes you may talk to your gf or friends but only after you take care of the pets." The expectations must be spelled out crystal clear. There must also be rewards/removal of privileges for when the expectations are not met. These must also be spelled out. Written down and signed by both of you and posted works the best. My teen was relieved to know exactly what I expected from him and exactly what the consequences were. You have a right to be treated with respect by your son. Setting a boundary will actually help him grow up learning to pay proper respect to authority. He will get further in life with this skill. Whenever you are in doubt just ask yourself if the behavior would have flown in the house you grew up in. Be the effective parent, it is the most loving kind.

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My son is twenty and can still talk like that from time to time. I don't give him the satifaction of responding to it. They stop when they realize they can't "get to" you. One time he asked why I didn't yell back and I just told him that I could never say those kind of things about someone I loved. I heard nothing derogatory about me for quite some time after that. All teens are full of anger, not just the ones who have lost a parent.

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Yeah, a lot of kids do go through a period where they think us adults suck, they hate us, and they think we're stupid. Try to view this from his pov. He lost his mother...he isn't dealing with it, and the loss was a great one. It was his mother....the softer side of life. The one you go to for comfort, and understanding. Now that that is taken from him...of course he's bitter, hurt and angry.

 

People usually lie when they know the truth is harder, and will get them in trouble. Don't ask a kid who lies a question that you know you will get a lie for an answer. Instead, tell them what you do know. I know you fed them, but I also know you did NOT walk them, or clean up after them. So, do that now, then you can have your free time. Then...walk out. Don't stay in his face, and get confrontational. You two have been doing this power struggle for awhile now...so you don't want to push his limit...nor do you want him to push yours.

Parent with love, and logic.

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Thank you all...I was just shocked! (I say that alot, LOL!).

 

I will seek out counseling on Monday.

 

We are going to have a "nuetral" day today to just chill, I told him to make a list of his rants, I'll do the same, we'll discuss this tomorrow, calmly. With rules in place, written and signed, we may be OK.

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