lulu7 Posted February 6, 2009 Posted February 6, 2009 My soon to be ex and I have been separated since October. In late September I basically told him I felt like things were off in our relationship and that we should talk about it. He basically told me that maybe our getting married was a mistake and that we hadn't been happy for a long time. As the story of our relationship goes, we have been together for almost 7 years, moved in together after about 4 months of dating and have lived in our home for 4 years. He proposed on his 30th birthday in July 2006. We were married in Mexico on May 16, 2008 and then legally married in the US on June 16, 2008. So 4 months later he tells me maybe we made a mistake. His background is...Married once at 21, she moved out 4 months later and they were divorced about 6 months after that. His parents have both been married 3 times each. That's a good idea. Of course the big question I have is who is she? But then I think that's crazy since we just got married. I then notice a 22 year old blonde on his myspace page and ask about her. He says she is a co worker and that she is married also, which I later find out is a lie. I just had a feeling about this girl. Fast forward to Christmas Eve when i discover a charge on his credit card bill from a store he'd never shop at for anyone, a store that a 22 year old would. And right after Christmas I see his car parked at this girls house. I call him and he says that she dropped him off at the airport when he went to Florida to see his parents. Ironically she was not home the entire week he was gone and he also had a receipt for a withdraw from his bank account for $1000, which is very odd because he doesn't take cash like that out to visit his parents. Of course he lies, says it isn't what I think but of course I know it's just what I think. In 4 months after getting married this person suddenly says we don't have the things necessary to make a marriage last. We don't hold hands, kiss eachother enough, have sex enough, etc. Funny how they are all sexually related. Suddenly our relationship is all wrong in his eyes, yet he said vowes to me twice in the past 8 months. I just don't get it and I'm not sure I ever will.
DN Posted February 6, 2009 Posted February 6, 2009 I am not entirely clear. Did this trip to Florida happen before or after you separated?
mentee Posted February 6, 2009 Posted February 6, 2009 I'm really sorry that you're going through this ... 7 years is a long time .. why were you guys unhappy and for how long?
Considerate Empath Posted February 6, 2009 Posted February 6, 2009 I just don't get it and I'm not sure I ever will. 'Course you do. He very likely cheated on you, and likely did so because your sex life was getting boring and his love for you started to fade, had it not faded before already. I'm sorry, but the cold hard truth is that love often disappears over time. Even if your still loved him romantically, he was no longer feeling that tingle when you held him - and he found that somewhere else. I am truly sorry this has happened to you. Do not blame yourself - it was his fault entirely for not picking up on his lacking feelings for you in the first place and really try and do something about it. Best wishes //C.E.
Crazyaboutdogs Posted February 7, 2009 Posted February 7, 2009 I wonder why you got engaged in July 2006 but didn't get married until almost 2 years later...and it was a bogus marriage in Mexico (were you two sober at the time or was it like that Britney's Spears' Las Vegas marriage?) until you made it legal a month later. This guy has a history of marriage and bailing within a few months. It sounds to me like he cheated on you.
striker_dude Posted February 7, 2009 Posted February 7, 2009 Your husband didn't "lose his mind" because he is apparently cheating on you with another woman. It's dishonest, it's unfaithful, it's a breach of trust and of the marital vows, but it's not mental illness. If it was, there would be more crazy people out there than sane ones.
lulu7 Posted February 7, 2009 Author Posted February 7, 2009 We separated the first week in October. He moved in with his mom and a couple days after Christmas went to visit his parents in Florida.
lulu7 Posted February 7, 2009 Author Posted February 7, 2009 I realize it is not mental illness and was more of a figure of speech. I guess I just find it odd for someone to begin an emotional relationship with another woman 9 years younger than you 4 months after your married.
lulu7 Posted February 7, 2009 Author Posted February 7, 2009 I didn't realize that we were unhappy. More so comfortable and in that rut of going through the daily routine of life. We got to the point where I'd get home from work, he'd be home and on the computer (big area of frustration), we'd figure out what's for dinner, eat, and most of the time he'd fall asleep on the floor in the living room while I went to bed by myself and he'd come to be after I was asleep, which made me feel lonely and obviously our intimate relationship suffered because of that. I also worked on the weekends at a restaurant from the day we met. He began working on Friday nights since he would come up there anyway. So for the most part in our entire 7 year relationship our weekends were spent working and we missed out on a lot of times we could have dated eachother, went out with friends, ect. It came to a head one day and I said I was unhappy about the way things were going and I guess the flood gates opened for him. He now says we didn't hold hands, tell eachother we loved eachother, or did anything together. While I do understand those things are very important in a marriage I guess I feel like if we could have worked on other issues, like communicating our needs, that those things would have come naturally.
lulu7 Posted February 7, 2009 Author Posted February 7, 2009 I'm sorry we got engaged July 2007 and married in May 2008. I threw him a surprise 30th birthday party the day after his 30th and it just so happened that he had planned on proposing on his birthday on Friday but didn't have the right moment so he waited. On Saturday at the party in front of our family and friends he got down on one knee and proposed. The wedding in Mexico was planned from the beginning as we knew we wanted a beach wedding. Our families were there and it was amazing. It wasn't a Britney Spears wedding although her marriage did last longer than mine. I think that he truly believes love and marriage is about being excited about the person and if that isn't there it isn't true love. I have watched people in my life go through very trying times that were not so romantic and blissful but at those times those things were not what held their marriage together. He says things like we didn't hold hands, we didn't tell eachother we loved eachother very much, etc.
abitbroken Posted February 7, 2009 Posted February 7, 2009 When people are together, they often go through times when their sex life isn't the hottest. I have a feeling that he has the mindset that he needs to have things exciting, and if the "honeymoon is over" so to speak, he feels the relationship has died. If he was cheating with someone else, I doubt it was the first time. I am not saying he cheated on you before, but on other people he was with. Maybe its more exciting to have a live in girlfriend than a wife...i don't know. Maybe because BOTH his parents have been married serially, their atitude was the same?
lulu7 Posted February 7, 2009 Author Posted February 7, 2009 It's funny because I ask him what his parents think since I always thought they thought the world of me and he says they say he just needs to be happy. Not sure if they knew they were telling him son, if your not feeling excited and happy right now you go right ahead and do whatever it takes to make that happen. I don't know if he's cheated in the past, it's reallly strange because I'm not generally a trusting person but have never doubted him. He also travels for business and even then never really doubted him. But yes I can't help but wonder and have to think if he would begin an emotional relationship 3 months after just getting married why wouldn't he have done it in the past. I say emotional because I'm pretty sure that is how it began. I think he began discussing our problems with her and that it lead to more. Which I find almost worse than just a one night stand because he is sharing personal intimate details about our life and relationship with someone that is a stranger to me with no care for my feelings.
abitbroken Posted February 7, 2009 Posted February 7, 2009 for a woman, when a man is emotionally intimate with another woman, its often more hurtful than him actually having sex with someone else. I can understand that. My marriage has ended because of the sentiment of "just wanting someone to be happy." My husband's cousin and other family members said basically if you are not happy...get rid of her. Sometimes not being happy doesn't mean the marriage is bad...it meant to him that he was pushed out of his comfort zone for awhile at least with him. The sentiment was from his cousin that the cousin loves me, and thinks of me like family, and thinks i am a decent, caring, and great gal...but because her cousin is upset that I have ceased the mindset of him saying "jump" and I say "how high" that i deserve to be kicked to the curb versus my husband and i talking things out. A parent wanting a child to just be "happy" versus pushing them "back in the ring" so to speak, to work through problems with a spouse, is never a good thing. Yes, people want their kids to be happy but they have to take responsibility.
lulu7 Posted February 7, 2009 Author Posted February 7, 2009 I agree totally. I was shocked that his Dad wouldn't have said are you sure of your feelings, have you tried everything to save your marriage, etc.? We travelled with his parents and spent quite a bit of time with them over the years and they've always adored me. His mom however says that his dad was the same way, once the romance and excitement was over, he wasn't really interested. My husband however has both of his parents beat in the sense that he is now 31 and has had 2 marriages that never made it to the first anniversary. Hell he didn't even live as husband and wife for more than 4 months each time!
lulu7 Posted February 7, 2009 Author Posted February 7, 2009 Thanks and I agree in the sense that he should have recognized his feelings. However I may add that due to your age 19, it would have to be hard for you to understand a very long term relationship. If you had been dating someone for 7 years you would have been 12. Two years of any relationship, if you really care for someone should be pretty smooth sailing with the occasional spats about stuff. When you move in with someone and live with them for 6 years you MUST make efforts to keep that relationship alive and any married adult will tell you that.
Winterfawn Posted February 11, 2009 Posted February 11, 2009 Well Lulu, I was married almost 7 yrs. and now have been separated since Nov. I thought things were fine, but could tell he had emotionally left, he would come home sit on the couch eat dinner served to him then fall asleep, I felt more like a maid than a wife and trying to get him to communicate pointless. Like you when he up and left Oct. 30 he moved in with his mom, no excuses other than he was sorry and told my daughter we'd be better off without him, about 3 wks. before he left I was asking him if it was stress at work, health related, what was wrong, he said he wanted a divorce because he felt like he was making my life miserable, I was fine and loved him, but looking back I remember him asking me if he had an affair if it would make it easier on me to let go. I was like what the crap is wrong with you??? No, I love you, just tell me whats going on. I still don't know what happened to him, he would always call right before he went to lunch to see how my day was going he said, and I would fight back the thoughts he was making sure I wasn't in town, I guess it was denial, in away it still is, I just can't believe it or understand it. I tried to get him to go to marriage couceling, asked him if it was mid life crisis, he's 47, the only thing he'd say is he didn't want to make me miserable anymore. What a sorry excuse, it hurts like heck and it's like I'm in a nightmare. How can they just up and change direction in life and not even give you a reason. I asked if it was another women, knowing in my heart it was, he changed overnight, people tell me he's all laughs and happy at work and in town. My daughter and I are left feeling completely dazed. Why else would a man ask if he had an affair would it help with the pain?
lulu7 Posted February 11, 2009 Author Posted February 11, 2009 Oh Winterfawn, I'm so sorry, and I can completely relate. I am more sorry that you have a daughter that also has to feel the pain of this, try to show her how strong of a woman her mom is, if that is possible. My husband basically said the same things when I first opened up to him about how things were. He said that he could never make me happy, that maybe he just wasn't good at it, that he was sorry, etc. The only thing he ever says to me is he is sorry that he hurt me, never wanted to hurt me etc. I feel like why is he so overly apologetic, it is because he has an overwhelming sense of guilt because he knows in his heart that he has done wrong? He wasn't interested in counseling, he said that is for people married 25 years with kids. However when he told his dad what was going on he suggested he go to counseling, which he did on his own, twice. Basically said the therapist told him everything he already knew, that we were great roommates but that the emotional connection was missing. I asked if she suggested couples therapy and he said no she did not, thought that was pretty weird since we were only married for 4 months and he'd already been married once before for less than a year. Actually the first wife moved out after 4 months also. As far as your husband asking you that question, my opinion is that he was trying to feel you out. I think maybe he was feeling guilty for his actions and wanted to clear his conscience but you have to be careful what you tell people. If you are the type of person that could never get over and affair he may be very hesitant to tell you about it out of fear that when he does realize the grass isn't greener, he'll lose you too. I think in his mind he thinks he is trying to make it easier on you and is trying to see which way will hurt less, the truth or your just not knowing. My husband can't seem to provide me with the truth, I've basically had to become a PI to find anything out, but slowly things just started coming out. He still has not admitted to having an affair, he basically said to me that he hadn't done anything up to that point that would be disrespectful to our marriage. To that I quickly responded you're crazy, walking out on your wife without a second thought, and discussing private details about your marriage with another woman, is wrong no matter how you try to rationalize it.
WomanWriter Posted February 11, 2009 Posted February 11, 2009 .He said that he could never make me happy, that maybe he just wasn't good at it, that he was sorry, etc. The only thing he ever says to me is he is sorry that he hurt me, never wanted to hurt me etc. I feel like why is he so overly apologetic, it is because he has an overwhelming sense of guilt because he knows in his heart that he has done wrong? Lulu, I feel for you. My fiance acted the same way--so guilty! Crying, apologizing, falling over on my lap like he could barely handle ending the relationship. Why all that fuss if they are the ones who are leaving US? It's a weird thing to observe someone breaking YOUR heart and acting like THEY are the ones getting canned. I am strongly getting the urge now that most people are raised to be SPOILED BRATS. Do you notice that in this society everything is about "Whatever makes ME happy?" "Have it YOUR way?" Everything is about me, me, me. Personal responsibility for working through issues seems to be a thing of the past. Now that there is fast food, why cook? Now that there are computers, why write letters? Now that you can get a quick no fault divorce, why not leave when you're unhappy and find a new model? It makes me sick. Parents raise their "poor little dears" to get whatever they want. I've seen it so often because I'm a teacher. One 5th grade girl in my class cried her eyes out and called her daddy because me, the mean old teacher put her on the bench at recess for goofing off in class. God forbid the little princess has to "suffer" 15 minutes of her free time to learn a lesson! How dare I have an orderly class! I'm making her "unhappy!" Shame on me! I wish people would stop thinking that everything is going to be an easy, free ride. People should work on their serious relationships before bailing. Parents feed into this notion that their little "prince or princess" deserves to be happy ALL the time and never have any rough patches in life. No wonder there are so many sociopaths! Sounds like some of these SOs are spoiled brats!
Winterfawn Posted February 11, 2009 Posted February 11, 2009 Well, he's made the statement that we could be best friends and still go fishing, etc. like nothing ever happened. But that is impossible for me, how can you be friends with someone that jerks the rug out from under you and your left in the after math of trying to figure out what happened and watch them go on with their life as if nothing happened? I can't, all I can do is concentrate on not concentrating on it any longer and trying to figure him, I realized I never knew him, my daughter said, "mom, why are you crying and what are you missing, he never was really there anyway in mind or body." Which is true, its sad when your child sees the truth and all you can do is pretend to keep the peace and not want to appear to be nagging and learn to live with a marriage with no communication or closeness, like room mates until he wanted sex then he couldn't understand why I wasn't being aggressive and wanting it, trying to tell them just have a cup of coffee with me in the a.m. and instead of sitting in the back of the boat handing him his drinks and snacks while he was holding his pole every spare minute he wasn't at work. I feel pretty stupid and hope I haven't taught her to settle for that in life just to have a peaceful and stable home, its rips your spirit and confidence away slowly eating like a cancer and then you wake up and see what it was really like. And I know its a blessing he did walk out, because evidently I would've stayed there settling for that kind of "marriage". It happens slowly overtime, but being to passive and agreeing results in you losing yourself and self worth and trying to find the strong, confident person you once use to be. I'm trying to figure out where that person went, I wish I could grab hold of just a little of what spirit and happiness I use to have to pull me out of this and get me back to facing the world with a smile and confidence. But it just feels like I'm froze up, to find out your life for past 7 years was nothing but a mirage and seeing how easily munipulated you were makes me not even trust my own judgement, and that scares the living crap out of me. But she's strong and I see in her how I use to be and I know it will come back, if I can just find it again and hang on I know the pain and disbelief will fade and life is good and out there somewhere to live again, laugh and be happy. It just hurts to know there are people that will use you and take advantage of you all the while smiling and asking oh so sweetly, whats wrong? I see all the people on here going this pain and disbelief, life is more than this. But I truly wonder if the ones walking out and tearing others lives and spirits apart ever even realize or care what they do. I think they just move on to the next one and I pray for the unknowing and what it will do to their lives. I want him to hurt and feel the pain he's caused but then I feel bad for thinking that way, I want to get mad and hate, but I can't, so how long do you sit froze up and wondering when you'll find the person you use to be again? I hope it makes us all stronger and wiser, it will, but look at the scars it leaves too.
lulu7 Posted February 12, 2009 Author Posted February 12, 2009 I think that you should tell your husband that you are not interested in having a friend. I'm sure that you have plenty of friends in this time in need that are there for you. I am so glad that I do not have children as I cannot lie, I often wondered if our lack of affection toward one another would impact our children in the future. I felt like we went through the motions of our lives each day without really paying attention to both of our needs. I am now realizing that he may not be capable of that. What I think a lot of men do not realize about women is that our needs are met in a different way then their's are. Our needs are deeper and more spiritual.
DN Posted February 12, 2009 Posted February 12, 2009 What I think a lot of men do not realize about women is that our needs are met in a different way then their's are. Our needs are deeper and more spiritual. With great respect I think that shows a fundamental misunderstanding of men in general and, more particularly, of men as individuals.
lulu7 Posted February 12, 2009 Author Posted February 12, 2009 I also think that you Winterfawn will soon see that you are becoming not only the woman that you used to be but the better more refined woman that you are now due to your knowledge and wisdom. Your daughter will admire the strength and courage that you have and she obviously is very, very wise herself and has picked up on some things. You will find a prince and she will see one day that love does exist, but doesn't come easy!
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