Pollywolly Posted February 6, 2009 Posted February 6, 2009 I split up with my ex boyfriend just over 7 months ago. We were together almost 4 years and he completely broke my heart. When we split up we were going to stay friends but I decided that the only way I was going to get over him was to go NC and apart from receiving a text from him at Christmas to which I replied to I have had no contact with him at all. I lost alot of confidence and self-esteem when we split. Over the time we were together he was very selfish and would always put so many other things and other people before me. He was also very critical and opinionated about my the life that I had in the past and present. Over the past 7 months I have picked myself up and dusted myself off. This site has helped me enormously but I ended up having to have counselling and went on anti-depressants as felt so low. A few weeks ago I was searching some free dating websites and lo and behold I found that my ex had his details and profile on one of them looking for a casual relationship which really shocked me as always thought he wasn't into that sort of thing at all. I quickly deleted my profile and photos as they were and logged out. That evening I kept on thinking about it and came up with an idea. The next day I went back onto the site and put my profile back on the site minus a photo and put some information about myself with a few status alterations and a different user name. Within a few hours I received a message from my ex saying hi and would I like to chat sometime as he liked my profile and what I had written about my interests and things (my age, hair colour and other details about me were correct!) Well to cut a long story short this has been continuing for a few weeks now and we have been messaging each other. I told him that I had not been able to upload a photo onto the site yet. He has asked to meet up sometime too. I am sure he has no idea it is me. The thing is its exactly a year ago today (the day before my 40th birthday) that after making plans to take me away for my birthday and he was also going to take me to Paris a few weeks later he flew out to San Francisco on his own saying he was going away for a couple of months (he told me this a week before my birthday) I was devestated this time last year. I spent my 40th birthday trying to put on a brave face for my family and friends but was breaking up inside. Today I have had such a strong urge to message him and tell him the truth and that it is me and tell him exactly how I felt when he hurt me. Part of me really wants to do it and another part tells me I should leave well alone and delete my profile off the site and never contact him again. I really don't know what to do ?
Up and Down Posted February 6, 2009 Posted February 6, 2009 For some reason that song If you like Pina Colada's and getting caught in the rain comes to mind.... In any case it sounds like you are hurtng yourself by doing this. I don't see too much good coming out of telling him it's you. He will feel deceived as you know it's him and have been conversing with him. My advice would be to delete the profile and leave it alone. If you want to contact your ex and feel well enough to do so, do it on honest terms.
DN Posted February 6, 2009 Posted February 6, 2009 You should apologise profusely and tell him the truth.
Crazyaboutdogs Posted February 6, 2009 Posted February 6, 2009 You opened up a can of worms. Clearly you still have a ways to go with your healing. No good will come of setting him up like this...in fact, if he finds out it is you then all you will have succeeded in doing is giving him an ego boost that he has such an impact on you that you can't get over him. Delete your profile and never contact him again.
Hope75 Posted February 6, 2009 Posted February 6, 2009 It depends on what you want from him. Leading him on believing you were someone else is wrong. I'm guessing if you confess he'll be very angry and rightly walk away. But, I think at the very least you owe him that. You obviously can't continue the way you are.
sandrawg Posted February 6, 2009 Posted February 6, 2009 I totally disagree. I did this with my ex-husband right after he served me with divorce papers, and he hated me for it. He felt totally deceived and betrayed. Put yourself in his shoes and imagine how you would feel. I would very quietly delete that fake profile and leave him alone. You should apologise profusely and tell him the truth.
HeartGoesOn Posted February 6, 2009 Posted February 6, 2009 What would it accomplish if you told him the truth? Why put yourself through more torture, it's not helping you to move forward, and heal. Please don't give him this ego boost, and make yourself look desparate.
spacialize Posted February 6, 2009 Posted February 6, 2009 yup-- delete, forget-- get on witj your life-- you are strong, but you need more healing-- you don'y need a jerk like him in your life-- work to get off of the anti-dpressants too-- be you--be sexy-- find someone else--
DN Posted February 6, 2009 Posted February 6, 2009 What did he do wrong when he broke up with you? Nothing. He didn't owe you a relationship and when he knew he wasn't in love with you enough to make it work he left. That was his right to do that - no one should have to be with someone they don't love when they know the relationship won't work. I understand that it hurt and feel sorry for you over that - but that is a risk one takes in relationships. He didn't break up to hurt you - that was a result but not why he did it. But what you have done is to deliberately set out to deceive him. Why would you do that? Some misguided attempt to prove to yourself he was wrong to break up? A hope that when you told the truth he would come back to you? Some sort of revenge to hurt him back? Whatever the reason you have done something that is wrong - plain and simple and there is no excuse for doing it. When you have done a wrong, especially a deliberate wrong - you have an obligation to try to put it right. And that obligation is not taken away by the fact that it may cost you something to do it. Just going no contact with this fake persona you created would not be trying to right the wrong that you did - it would be compounding it - making it worse not better. It may still hurt him in some way to tell the truth. But that is better than running away and hiding. Little kids behave like that but adults, mature adults at least, face up to their responsibilities.
Pollywolly Posted February 6, 2009 Author Posted February 6, 2009 Thank you for all your replies to this. Yes think that I am still hurting from this broken relationship. I did think that I had moved on. I have been on a few dates and have met some men but I still feel like I am not good enough for them and I can easily put myself down and find faults with the way I am and the life I have. I have two older children from a previous relationship and my ex would often make a big deal out of this as he didn't have any and doesn't want them, and through this he would often make comments on the way they were and that it was due to the fact that they didn't have contact with their father and that it was my fault that I never pushed for them to see their dad (eventhough the circumstances were very difficult) I certainly don't want to give him an ego boost by him finding out it's me. I just feel as though I never had chance to tell him how much he hurt me by his actions and guess today is tougher than the others as I keep thinking how I felt this day a year ago when I just had to 'take it' and accept the fact that he cared more about indulging and pleasing himself by going to America than spending an important birthday with me. I guess there is still anger there on my part and I suppose really this is some sort of revenge that I am playing out but do realise that's not a good way to go about things.
DN Posted February 7, 2009 Posted February 7, 2009 I certainly don't want to give him an ego boost by him finding out it's me. It's not about how he reacts - it's about you trying to put right what you did wrong.
Hope75 Posted February 8, 2009 Posted February 8, 2009 I couldn't have said it better myself- agree 100% with this.
Kookie Posted February 9, 2009 Posted February 9, 2009 By continuing, you're hurting yourself because in reality, this isn't NC. The good news is, he doesn't know and I suggest that you stop and just not communicate with him. It's the internet ... I don't think an explanation is required of why you're disappearing. The problem I fear is that this will turn into an addiction. Seriously, it WILL NOT go over well if you tell him.
Pollywolly Posted February 9, 2009 Author Posted February 9, 2009 Thank you for all your input into this situation that I have got myself into. I read and absorbed your replies and realised that I was doing no favours to him and myself by this deception. If I am over him, which I keep on telling myself and I am when clearly I am not then it is not helping me to heal which is what I want to do. If it was someone doing this to me and I found out I would be very hurt by their actions. I am not a bitter person and do not hold resentment of any kind normally with anything so could not understand why I was pursuing this charade with my ex. I do feel as though there is still alot of anger there on my part and maybe need help in expressing that anger in a different way. Yes the hurt is still there but he chose to end the relationship maybe if I hadn't let myself be treated so shabbily by him and ended the relationship sooner I may have come out of it with more self-respect and esteem. On Thursday I contacted him on the site, told him I would no longer be on this site and wished him well with finding a partner and hoped he found happiness in his life. I then deleted all my details and profile from the site. I did not tell him that it was me. Maybe I did take the cowards way out of not admitting it was me but at least it will not continue and I can close the door finally on the relationship. I have met someone else who is lovely and treats me so much better than my ex and eventhough it is early days I would rather look forward than constantly looking back at the past.
lady00 Posted February 9, 2009 Posted February 9, 2009 I don't think you should have told him it was you. I don't see the point in that. I see that others disagree, but in a situation like this, I think just ending the deception is fine. No need to reveal yourself, IMO.
Crazyaboutdogs Posted February 9, 2009 Posted February 9, 2009 I don't think you should have told him it was you. I don't see the point in that. I see that others disagree, but in a situation like this, I think just ending the deception is fine. No need to reveal yourself, IMO. I agree. You ended the deception and that is the most important thing.
DN Posted February 9, 2009 Posted February 9, 2009 Well, you ended the 'relationship', such as it was, but you didn't end the deception - that will always be there unless you tell him the truth. The lies remain.
sandrawg Posted February 9, 2009 Posted February 9, 2009 I really don't see the point in her revealing the truth to him. Honestly, what good can come of it? I think she did the right thing by just going away. Telling him what she did will only cause hurt feelings about her deception, as well as make him want to contact her, in all likelihood, in anger. This way, she can maintain NC, and he'll get over whatever feelings he was developing for the fake person she created, whihc probably weren't much, since they never even "met" in person. Well, you ended the 'relationship', such as it was, but you didn't end the deception - that will always be there unless you tell him the truth. The lies remain.
DN Posted February 9, 2009 Posted February 9, 2009 Well, I think it is a matter for someone's individual conscience and strength of character. As I said previously, when you do something wrong you have, in my opinion, a responsibility to put it right. It's easy to find a rationale for avoiding doing that because usually putting it right is a hard thing to do - it can be embarrassing or even humiliating. But that doesn't remove the responsibility - even if you believe that the person you harmed wasn't harmed very much or deserved it in some way.
lady00 Posted February 9, 2009 Posted February 9, 2009 Yeah, it is definitely a matter of individual conscience. I know if it were me in this situation, I would feel the right thing to do is to end contact and not go any further with it and just drop it. I guess others think differently, but that's just what I'd do.
Hope75 Posted February 9, 2009 Posted February 9, 2009 I really don't see the point in her revealing the truth to him. Honestly, what good can come of it? I agree that this is about integrity and honesty and your own personal morals. A person of integrity would put it right and be honest because it is the right thing to do- and in the end because you are the better and bigger person for it.
UCLAMike Posted February 9, 2009 Posted February 9, 2009 no need to reveal the truth. he's a scumb. leave it be. anymore action from you at this point is only drama. walk away while things are not caught on fire yet. just walk away. close the books.
lady00 Posted February 9, 2009 Posted February 9, 2009 I don't disagree with the points on integrity. As a general matter, I agree. But in this case, I just don't see the benefit of stirring up more drama and of likely upsetting the ex and of getting in contact again.
Pollywolly Posted February 9, 2009 Author Posted February 9, 2009 I really mulled it over before I contacted him for the last time. Yes I did give it alot of consideration to whether I should reveal my identity to him and apologise for what I had been doing. Our conversations were ever only by leaving messages for each other. We never spoke live online. I was upset when I initially saw his profile on the site. When we split up one of the reasons he gave me was that he felt as though he was not mature enough to get involved with relationships with women which is fair enough in his profile that he was just looking for a 'casual relationship'. I had left him alone since the split and never initiated contact eventhough it was so difficult for me as I was hurting so much, but I fought the feelings I had and maintained NC. He sent me a single text message on Christmas Eve wishing me a good Christmas to which I replied I hope that he did too but that was it, I heard nothing else from him. I have even moved area so that I don't have the constant reminders of him or bump into people that know him. I have given myself a brand new start and had even started dating new people. In spite of this he was still in my thoughts and recently I had been dreaming about him alot, but not in a good way. Its ok to say about rectifying my actions and putting right what I did wrong but really feel he has never done that with me. He treated me badly over a long time with his selfish actions. He listened to his mother more than he did to me and she played a huge part in destroying our relationship as she didn't want to let go of her precious son, eventhough he is 37, but lives at home with her....see the anger is still there. I have walked away from what I have done and I have wished him all the best surely that is good enough and more than he deserves??
DN Posted February 9, 2009 Posted February 9, 2009 Its ok to say about rectifying my actions and putting right what I did wrong but really feel he has never done that with me. He treated me badly over a long time with his selfish actions. He listened to his mother more than he did to me and she played a huge part in destroying our relationship as she didn't want to let go of her precious son, even though he is 37, but lives at home with her....see the anger is still there. I have walked away from what I have done and I have wished him all the best surely that is good enough and more than he deserves?? This is why this seems to be more about revenge than anything else. It should not matter whether his mother interfered and he allowed her (although I don't see why that makes him selfish). It should not be about what he deserves or about what he may have done wrong - it is about your actions and what you did wrong. You think you have put it right. But the fact is that you haven't really. Someone could easily have planned to do exactly what you did as some sort of payback - create a false identity, use the knowledge that you have of him to make him interested in this fake person and then, having accomplished that, walk away leaving him wondering what he did wrong while you are laughing at him for being fooled. It is a cliché but still true that two wrongs don't make a right.
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