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We've seeing one another for 6 months, and she still hasn't told her ex.

What To Do If They Cheat - Do this ...
What To Do If They Cheat - Do this First

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Some of these facts were mentioned in an earlier thread of mine, so forgive the reiteration. However, I have condensed my manifold concerns into this one overriding issue.


My girlfriend and I first starting hanging out and doing sexual things together back in August, when she was on a "break" from her long-distance ex-boyfriend who lives accross the pond. I didn't have a solid commitment to her, so she got back with him even though she and I openly recognized that things were getting more serious between us. She said that she wanted to remain friends with him as they had been very close during their 7 on-off years together. She and I stayed on long-distance romantic terms during this time because she promised to break up with her boyfriend after a major test she had the next month (she said she wanted to avoid the drama when she needed to concentrate on studying). However, she still told him she loved him in their conversations (I learned this through their AIM logs which she recently shared with me).


She officially broke up with him 4 months ago and she and I have acknowledged our exclusivity since then (we live together right now, have been planning to do so until May when she moves to her new school). She and I lost our virginities to one another during a visit here right before the official dumping. She said that she is much more attracted to me than she ever was to him, and that she and he both realized that their relationship was largely platonic, though they had done some sexual things in the past.


In the intervening months, he has repeatedly professed his love to her via phone calls, text messages, and facebook posts. She eventually stopped answering his calls at my prodding, but she responds to his FB messages every few days (something she knows I don't like). At first, I was okay with her not telling him because I understood it would hurt him to know that she cheated with another man and started dating this new guy, essentially choosing me as her new boyfriend over him. He even charged her with dating someone else, but she denied it. She says she wants to stay friends with him, and she has told him this many times over the past few months, but he keeps telling her he will always love her. He threatened suicide if she would not get back with him in December, but it is now obvious that he was just trying to pressure her to get back with him. He continues to send her messages, saying he is okay just being friends, but that he will love her forever.


During their off periods when they were together, she would date others but he never knew (she said he didn't ask). She has recently told me that she likes the idea of two guys loving her at once. She also said that part of the reason she got back with him in September after we had done sexual things together is that she wanted to know she had another bf lined up before ending things with the "platonic" old one.


She continues to make jokey remarks to him in her messages, and tells him that she is not sure if they can still be friends as long as he loves her (I have told her I want her to be much more definitive in her responses on this issue, but she hasn't been so far). I think he will continue to love her until he knows that she isn't just seeing this as another "break" and realizes that she has moved on with another guy. She thinks he will fly off the handle and "do something crazy" if he learns about this.


This is making me worry that she wants him to see her as still being virginal when they are apart and to not know that she is with another guy, so that he can remain an option in the background in case things go sour with me. After all, as far as he knows, she has never had another boyfriend. At the very least, it seems she doesn't want to lose the attention she gets when he sends his supplications of undying love.


I am getting really annoyed by all of this. How long is she supposed to go without telling him about us when it is quite likely that he will keep loving and pursuing her as long as he thinks she is still available and that the cause of the break-up is that she finally realizes after years of being together that they are too incompatible (he is an umambitious, sports-loving blue collar Brit, she and I are American law students) and his general failure to be an attentive and good boyfriend, rather than that she has found someone new? Things are pretty rocky between her and me at the moment because of her continued contact with him.


Do my intuitions seem correct? Should I set an ultimatum that she either has to tell him that she is dating someone new or else she and I will have to break up?

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I agree.



I'm 23, she is 22. 9 months apart. We graduated college in the same year, but she is taking a year off and I have already started law school. I met her in late July when I came to study at the university where she had just finished undergrad.

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