What do you mean we're not a couple anymore????

[Fitchik]

Preface (My ex and I have been broken up since Nov. Were together for 8 yrs. He was the dumper.)

 

I'm not as "vocal" on these boards as others, but I do my fair share of reading every day. But I've got something on my mind I'd like to share and see what others think.

 

One of the biggest challenges that many of us face in midst of a break-up is the letting go part. Sometimes we hang on for emotional reasons, sometimes its physical, sometimes it is just out of pure fear of being alone. That being said, the true and straight course to recovery is found in letting go.

 

Here's my problem. I effindently can't get it through my head that we're not a couple any more. I mean, I go out and socialize, but I can't accept drinks from man, in my head that would be cheating. I can't go out on date with someone else (although I know I should for the healing purpose), because in my head I would be cheating on him. How crazy is this!? However, after being with the same person for 8 yrs, almost 9 yrs, how do I tell my brain that we're not a couple any more, and that I'm a single gal?

 

Seems almost cruel what the mind can do to a person...

[yankeefan74]

You were together for nearly a decade. You've been apart for just a few months. There isn't anything crazy about still feeling those things.

 

I would just accept your feelings as normal and healthy...and continue to heal.

 

I don't know who convinced you that you should go out on dates already because it will help you heal...but nothing is right for everyone. One person may feel like dating early on after a breakup helps restore their confidence. Another person might go on a date, and feel horrible because the date simply reinforced the fact that you're no longer with someone you had become quite close too.

[jettison]

A lot of us go through this. It happened to me too with my 10 year. I think it took me about 8 months or so before I could be with someone else and not feel like I was cheating somehow.

 

I do remember, vividly, the day my ex called me around month 4, trying to talk all sweet and called me "honey". I had to tell her "Don't call me that. I'm not your honey anymore." She knew that, but it still felt natural to her to say it. I understood. That stuff is so, so hard because your personal identity is so wrapped up in the coupledom of it all.

 

Again though, this will all just come with time. Even years later you may get little hints of it though. It's a strange phenomenon.

[NJRon]

Nothing abnormal in you still having that natural tendendency to not feel available. I know I go through a period of that after a breakup... everyone ha stheir own pace. I have yet to find dating after a break up to help me in any way get over a previous relationship. I like to get myself totally centered (as much as is possible with me ) before "moving on".

[Fitchik]

thanks to both of you...

 

and yankeefan, I agree whole heartedly that I don't "HAVE" to date. I've told my friends to stop with the set-ups, and decided for me that I needed a year. I know I know..you can't put timelines on these sorts things, but it helps me in the right now.

 

He however has been out a date or two with a chick, and I've had to suffer the feeling of "my man" with another woman. I wish he could feel that pain...he's never had to question where my heart lies. Yikes that sounds a little bitter, huh?

 

Perhaps the premise behind the movie "Enternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind" isn't so crazy after all.

 

Thanks for letting me vent.

[Hope75]

I don't think it's because in your head you're 'saving yourself' for your ex, but simply that you are not ready to put it out there yet. 8 years is a long time, and two months is not much time at all to grieve and process the end of that long relationship.

 

My advice? Don't force it. When you are ready, you will know.

[Fitchik]

NJRon...that is where I want to be. A place of self-centeredness (is that a new word I just came up with? ha!) I'm working on that.

[NJRon]

That's good. I think after a relationship it's valuable to learn how to be a little selfish again... while some may think that the word 'selfish' may have a bad connotation, I think, in proper perspective, it is very healthy.

 

Hang in there... it'll get better... as hope75 saysm the last thing you want to do is force it... going through the motions just doesn't work when it comes to dating.

[catfeeder]

It's funny that few if any people on these boards subscribe to what the radio and book psychologists prescribe as a healing period after a relationship. I'm not sure that I do, either, but it's worth considering in order not to prematurely view yourself as some freak. I've heard every range from recovery periods being one half of the number of years your were committed to just taking one full year to care for yourself and not belabor the dynamics of dating.

 

In your case, a couple months outside of an 8 year relationship can only mean Give Yourself a Break. If your knee-jerk reaction to being approached spells, "I'm just not ready yet..." then why fight that?

 

I think you're smart and brave for getting yourself out there to observe and to challenge, but beyond that--what's your rush?

 

In your corner.

[Hope75]

It's funny that few if any people on these boards subscribe to what the radio and book psychologists prescribe as a healing period after a relationship. I'm not sure that I do, either, but it's worth considering in order not to prematurely view yourself as some freak. I've heard every range from recovery periods being one half of the number of years your were committed to just taking one full year to care for yourself and not belabor the dynamics of dating.

 

In your case, a couple months outside of an 8 year relationship can only mean Give Yourself a Break. If your knee-jerk reaction to being approached spells, "I'm just not ready yet..." then why fight that?

 

I think you're smart and brave for getting yourself out there to observe and to challenge, but beyond that--what's your rush?

 

In your corner.

 

I'm not subscribing to anything radio or book psychology dictates- I don't read it and really am not interested in it. Interesting that you would assume that's what I meant without knowing me or asking for specifics about where I got my opinion from.

 

What I do believe in is my own personal experiences after a break up. I've needed time to grieve and process what happened, and have had a gut feeling about not being ready when approached too soon after a break up. When I'm ready, I know it. That comes from my experiences and feelings, not any book or radio show.

[catfeeder]

I'm not subscribing to anything radio or book psychology dictates- I don't read it and really am not interested in it. Interesting that you would assume that's what I meant without knowing me or asking for specifics about where I got my opinion from.

 

What I do believe in is my own personal experiences after a break up. I've needed time to grieve and process what happened, and have had a gut feeling about not being ready when approached too soon after a break up. When I'm ready, I know it. That comes from my experiences and feelings, not any book or radio show.

 

Ouch. I wasn't implying any link between you and those sources, I was trying to let you know about the disparities in all the advice, and I was trying to offer empathy. I agree that it's difficult to decide how to act in our own best interests--because everyone says something different. No offense intended.

[Fitchik]

Thanks all...and truly I think the tone of my topic here is not that I'm ready, looking, or willing to date at this point. Because I KNOW that I am not...

 

My point is/was...that in my head it is a continous battle to convenice myself that I am no longer part of a couple and everything that entales. Even simple things like calling home when I'm running late. Those are truly habits, but still...it's all in the head.