Love triangle confusion

[vconfusedidiot]

This is all very complicated.

 

A couple of years ago, i was seeing a married man. I know i know, it was very stupid. He has 2 children. Anyway we finished it and agreed to stay friends and he's still with his wife. I moved on and met my boyfriend, who i was with for two years. I recently broke up with my boyfriend when we became stuck in a rut. My boyfriend was aware i was friends with this man and didn't have any problems with this. The problem is, this married man has been making more contact as a friend. I don't think i have done the right thing by breaking up with my boyfriend and believe we can give it another go if we start from the very beginning and don't rush straight back into a relationship. So we are taking it slowly as friends.

 

Talking to the married man, he said if we were both single, he would want to give things a go with me and i agreed. It seemed like we'd reached a different stage to our relationship by admitting we cared about each other but agreeing that we would only ever be friends. I've realised he isn't just the selfish man i used to meet up with a few years ago and he's actually a fantastic friend. We recently met up and had a day out as friends but afterwards although he admitted he'd had an amazing day he said he wanted to keep in touch very regularly but work on things with his wife more. However he hasn't particularly spoken to me since. The only time we've spoken since is him asking me to come and stay with him while he's away from home on business. It would only be as friends which is what i am very much emphasising here! I've agreed to go and stay with him just to go out for the night however this is in a few weeks. Meanwhile, my boyfriend/ex boyfriend is not particularly happy about this. I am also quite confused as to whether if i go and see the married man, whether he will once again give me the cold shoulder for a few months.

 

What should i do? Should i go back on saying i will see the married man even though i really do want to keep in touch with him and risk feeling too guilty to consider a relationship with my boyfriend or should i just settle for my boyfriend? I do not love the married man however i do want to stay in touch with him and unfortunately i could see things happening if i go and stay with him so i would be using all of my willpower to stop this. In all the time we saw each other a few years ago, we only ever really kissed.

 

I know it's sounds confusing and it's so difficult to say it all. Please advice

[mentee]

stay away from the married man .. general rule. is his friendship even necessary or enriching your life?

 

if you feel like you are "settling" for your boyfriend, maybe you should walk away from him too .. how would you feel if he told people that he was going to "settle" for you? what would you tell him?

[vconfusedidiot]

I don't know whether i am settling for him. I love him, he is one of my best friends. I would love for us to work more than anything but this married man has always been my weakness and he's really supported me through my break-up. I don't know, my boyfriend/ex knows how i'm feeling, he's being patient but however much it seems like i want to be with him, i can't see it working forever. I can see us having more good times together and that's why we've decided to give it a go, i've just told him i want us to think of it as being in the present rather than constantly thinking of the future which is i think why we went wrong in the end because we got too serious too fast.

Aaah im going round in circles

[mentee]

doesn't matter what the married man is to you ... your weakness .. the love of your life .. your soulmate ... doesn't matter .. he is married and keeping a friendship is inappropriate .. how would you feel if you were his wife? that married man is not being emotionally honest if he's having inappropriate conversations and contact with you .... doesn't matter if you're not having sex.

 

as for your boyfriend, you should tell him that you do not see a future with him, but enjoy his company for now ... be honest with him and respect the decision he makes ..

[vconfusedidiot]

I know. Everything you're saying is right. In actual fact, i've just gone and deleted his number which was quite a huge step for me. In a way right now though, i'm quite hoping he texts me this evening which he probably will. But to an extent, i think it's good if he doesn't. Very mixed feelings.

My boyfriend knows how i feel about everything and knows i don't know much about my future atm. He says he's prepared to work for now.

Thank you for the advice i think you were just confirming things for me tbh.

[My Advice]

confused you sound like you have a problem with unavailable men. You definitely should stay away from this guy and seek a therapist.

[tangi39]

He's still with his wife. If he really wanted you, he wouldn't be.

He wants her, plain and simple. No good can come from this supposed "friendship" with him. Why sacrifice more time or effort on a man who clearly has no interest in ever being more than a fling on the side of his real relationship (his marriage). To put it blunty- You can't be friends.

Bottom line- He can't work on his marriage with you in his life.

You can't fully move on with him in yours.

It's a Lose- Lose situation for you both.

 

Don't toss aside the potential for true happiness with your (ex) bf to settle for a pseudo frienship with this MM, clearly seeking his own agenda.