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I think this one is going to leave a scar


All I Ever Wanted Was to Love You
All I Ever Wanted Was to Love You

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Ive had longer deeper relationship`s, but this one is taking some working out. Ive known my ex on and off for 10 yrs as a friend and we always said if we were seprare at the same time we would get together. Early last summer we bumped into eachother and started taking it slowly, about 2months later we got together as a couple. She said i was the only man she would get in a relationship with as she had always been cheated on and treated badly in the past. And she knew what i was like and could trust me.

The next few months were very very good, her saying how much time we had wasted etc, it was all there on every leval. She said we should have a baby as it would happen one day, when i agreed 2 days later she said that she couldnt face the idea of bringing up another child, was sorry and it would be a shock to me, and dumped me by letter. I was in utter shock. Iwent down to see her, she broke down said she couldnt handle a relationship.

3 weeks later we were back together, She said she had sorted her feeling out and wanted all she had before,a nd was sorry for hurting me and wouldnt do it again. It took some time for me to trust her again but in end i did. We had a great xmas together, i go very close to her little son. Then we had a very small fall out and she came out with "i cant be doing with all this relationship * * * * " we finished again. I tried to talk sense into her , but no good.

A week later she found out she was pregnant, we got back . A week later she lost the baby. She couldnt face seeing me , and asked for low contact. Txt phone chats etc. 10 days later she dumped me again by letter. Ps im 36 shes 33. Saying how she didnt want a relationshi with anyone of any sort,and to move on etc. Saying not to contact her again and if we do see eachother justbe friendly no more. And if i went with anyone else it wouldnt bother her any more.

A few points about her, she has low self esteam, drinks half a bottle of vodka every night. Kept asking why i loved her saying she was missrable.Just before we finished xmas time i wasut and bumped into her sis, she txt asked what i was doing , i said talking to your sis, she said thanks catily. Turns out she was crying at the thought i might go with her sis. Thats not the person i am and she knows that and aknowledged that the next day. The last two weeks i talked to her she was very down in genral.

But in the letter she said she was happy to be on her own with her kids. I just think that she had the issues that i would have helped her through any way i could. But in the end i think she wil leave me with trust issues. I cant work out why some one can get back with you 3 times and tell you you mean the world and thanks for understanding me and walk away. Im that hurt that i dont think i will ever be able to talk to her again in a friendy way, unless she says sorry i was depressed etc Other wise i can only think of her as very cruel.

Any insights or reply would be a great help im really struggleing to understand all this. Thanks.

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I totally understand where you're coming from. My ex-husband used to tell me, you can't love anyone else until you love yourself...this woman clearly does not love herself, as the alcoholism and inconsistent behavior towards you suggests, and I bet it has a lot to do with the prior relationships.

 

I was cheated on/lied to in ALL my serious relationships. I have serious trust issues. While I am a very confident person in general, I am very insecure in relationships. I'm spending some time on my own to try to work that stuff out, because I know I am not fit for a relationship. Between my ex-bf's immaturity and inability to be honest, and my security issues, we torpedoed what we had and our love, in my last rel'ship.

 

I am sorry you had to be the victim of what she went through in the past--I would say leave this one alone. She has some stuff to work out. She could use therapy, and maybe help for her alcoholism. You should be with someone who's secure enough in themselves to appreciate you and not put you on this roller coaster ride.

 

If you talk to her, you might want to gently suggest she get some help.

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I dont think i could manage to hold a conversation with her, im so frustrated and hurt. I used to say to her that it wont come over night that she totally trusts me, and that it could take a year or more. As fa as the drink she says its not a problem as she only drinks at night. I think it is a problem, though never really had a go at her, only once.

She also said she was happy when i 1st bumped into her again. What i remember of it she was crying twice. Maybe in time she will work out what she had with me. ie loved her , wouldnt cheat, good with her children etc etc. Im scared if im ever with some one else it will take me a hell of a lot to trust what she was saying. As this was one girl i trusted.

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Yeah having her break up, then get back together, then break up, get back together...when you didn't do anything wrong and it was all because of her own issues...I'd have trouble trusting, too.

 

And I'm sorry, but drinking as much vodka as she does every night-that's a problem. She sounds like she's in denial. Nothing you can do about that, except maybe go to al-anon meetings, or maybe read up on codependency.

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thanks for your replys sandrawg, its good to get some one else`s veiws. Im on day 13 of nc, and it does get a bit better and with help from you and others on here can see things a bit more clear. Dont think she will contact me think she is either not botherd , got her head in sand or depressed, if i was with her, by now i think i would have confronted her problem a bit more.

What is hard is that i keep hearing her words of how much we were forever ringing in my head. We were good and every time she ran it had always just moved to another leval, at her request, not that i took much persueding as i loved her, and wanted it also. Its hard to work out, either when she had it she didnt want it, or she paniced. And pushed me away. Think i wont bother having a long term realtionship for a bit. As like i said been so confused by what has been said and meant so little.

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I'm no psychologist but sounds like there my be a little borderline personality disorder behavior mixed in there, too. You might want to read a little about that-there's a book called "I Hate You, Don't Leave Me."

 

I'm the type that goes nuts reading about stuff when I'm confronted with puzzling human behavior. My ex-bf was like this too-begging me to get back with him. Once we did, he wanted it to be serious, and committed. He talked a lot about how great things are. Then, a few days later, he started "realizing it was a mistake." There's more to the story and I'm not totally blameless, but that kind of thing does a number on your head, which is why I totally sympathize w/you.

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just read a bit about it, quite a lot of it rings true, ie we could have taken the biggest steps in our relationship ie she wanted to take her kids to meet my mum and dad, which we did it went really well, then we went out for a drink, walked home with a lad we know, she was saying how we would never split to him, and we would always talk a row out, within two hrs we split, main points of row were, her being off, i went down stairs for 5mns, sge asked what was up, i said nothing juat give me 5 min and i`ll be up. She screamed i cant be doing with all this * * * * of a relationship (after saying for two weeks thanks for understanding me, and i`ll never hurt u again, and two weeks of me talking all her troubles through) I said u get on with being missrable and make ur kids that to, meaning pushing me away yet again and hurting them yet again, and that she was only intrested in her drink. At that point i was so hurt. i walked out within 5mins i tried to xeplain what i meant by saying about he kids.

She snapped back ive heard it all before dont give a toss. Next 2 days i tried to sort it out saying i loved her etc, and wouldnt ever change that, she carried on really snappy back.

So i can understand why she cant see the recent good and just veiws the present black.

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Just read a lot more on it, except with it she is bloody stuborn, wont run back or apoligise, she would say sorry a lot more early days before she learnt more that i loved her. In the past when i thought we had split for good it took her mum to say , you want to watch you dont push him away. Think her mum understood that i was the only decent bf she had had. I dont think she will come back this time, and i know it sounds horrible (but i would definatly try) but its would be a lot of hard wrk, as she will always go through it in future, and if as she said, if i couldnt work it with him (me) she couldnt work it with any one.

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