Depressed and confused. Dad in hospital, phone calls from abusive mother

[HerDestiny]

I feel like a deer caught in headlights. I don't know what to do. My mother has been abusive to me for years and my father is still married to her. He's in the hospital right now. Had surgery for a busted elbow yesterday and he's still out of it today. My mother is by his side, of course. She's calling me to update me on his situation and when I thought this would be okay, I wasn't thinking of how it could possibly effect me hearing her voice.

 

I've done my best to stay away from her the past few months and I was getting MUCH better mentally and emotionally. It was doing me so much good! The freedom to be happy without being screamed at, no constant verbally abusive phone calls or messages on my answering machine, nobody putting me down...

 

All of her crazy screaming was finally leaving my head...just fading away with time.

 

Hearing her voice keeps setting me back a year or more. I can hear how nothing about her has changed. She keeps talking about the people she hates, the people she's angry at and as rapidly as always. She talks so fast that I hear enough in a five minute conversation to last me months. She was talking about wanting to kill people, throwing things at someones house...

 

Talk about a totally out of control anger problem!

 

She's a sick woman who won't admit to her problems. She thinks being angry 24 hours a day (or at least 23) is normal and real and everyone who's happy is 'fake'.

 

She also won't admit the connection between her irrational, constant anger and her drug problems.

 

I'd call my father directly on his cell phone but he's so out of it right now he doesn't know his keys from his phone and accidentally hung up on me yesterday before the surgery. They've got him real drugged up.

 

Should I just wait two or three days until he's home and not so drugged and talk to him directly by calling his cell phone?

 

After talking to her, I felt more depressed than I have in YEARS. I slipped into the fastest depressive state I've ever experienced. I can't handle her anger and drug problems anymore and it's to a point now that I can't even hear her voice because I feel like I've jumped back a few years to when I was around her all the time, living with the abuse.

 

What would you do if you were me and thinking clearly? I'm not thinking clear at all right now. I've got that depression fog.

[keenan]

I don't know what I would do if I were you, but I just wanted to say hi and lend you some support. Aside from the drug issue, we have the same angry, crazy mom! I cut her off years ago--no contact at all--and it's BLISSFUL. However, my (wonderful) dad isn't alive anymore, so my situation is much easier than yours.

 

Idea: Can you call the head nurse and talk to him/her to find out whether he is doing ok? The hospital staff surely realizes by now that your mom is loopy, and they would be more than happy to talk to you directly about his condition.

[HerDestiny]

Keenan -- At least someone knows what it's like so I don't feel so alone with this one! I really had no idea how well I was actually doing getting that time away from her insanity and I forgot how depressed I used to get being exposed to it.

 

I'm going to call the head nurse tonight and ask about his situation. Being that he's my father, they shouldn't have a problem telling me, right? I'm mostly concerned about when he's going home, just so I have a timeframe in mind for when I might be able to talk to him directly.

[keenan]

I would think that they would be very understanding, especially if you are nice and polite to them. Good luck, hon! And remember...you are not your mom, you are not your mom, you are not....

[HerDestiny]

Thank you for the support, guys. I used to get so depressed over things with my mother and not really reach out to anyone and I decided I couldn't handle how quick I was sinking so...I reached out this time!

 

I am nothing like my mother. I used to get down on myself if I resembled her at all but just hearing her go on and on, rapid-fire about how angry she is showed me clear as day we're nothing alike. I don't walk around thinking about how much I hate people all day because...I don't hate anyone.

 

She has pretty severe anger issues...

 

I'm always very polite with people and I'm a social person so I'll have an easy time talking to the head nurse. I think I'm going to explain why I'm calling them rather than my mother but, yep...if they spent a few minutes around her, they'll completely understand.

 

It was embarrassing the other day when she was telling the Patient Advocate (who stopped in to check on my dad which was really cool) that she was giving her neighbor the finger.

[HerDestiny]

I took a chance and went to see my dad when I found out his blood pressure was 90 over 50. I knew he wasn't going to get out too fast. Luckily, mom wasn't there! I got to talk to the nurse who looked through his chart and didn't come to any conclusions from it other than knowing what drugs he's on and what his blood pressure is. I'm going to have to talk to his doctor somehow...

 

Thank you again!

[top bloke]

Thank you for the support, guys. I used to get so depressed over things with my mother and not really reach out to anyone and I decided I couldn't handle how quick I was sinking so...I reached out this time!

 

I am nothing like my mother. I used to get down on myself if I resembled her at all but just hearing her go on and on, rapid-fire about how angry she is showed me clear as day we're nothing alike. I don't walk around thinking about how much I hate people all day because...I don't hate anyone.

 

She has pretty severe anger issues...

 

 

 

 

She's a sick woman who won't admit to her problems. She thinks being angry 24 hours a day (or at least 23) is normal and real and everyone who's happy is 'fake'.

 

She also won't admit the connection between her irrational, constant anger and her drug problems.

 

Exactly!!! You seem like a lovely level headed person. You are NOTHING like her!! NOTHING!!! She needs the help!! Your thoughts are on the right track..well done. Keep your chin up.. dad gets better soon too. Keep us posted..

TB

[keenan]

I took a chance and went to see my dad when I found out his blood pressure was 90 over 50. I knew he wasn't going to get out too fast. Luckily, mom wasn't there! I got to talk to the nurse who looked through his chart and didn't come to any conclusions from it other than knowing what drugs he's on and what his blood pressure is. I'm going to have to talk to his doctor somehow...

 

Thank you again!

 

You're so welcome, and good luck with your dad!