I need help

[Aspen]

I'm very confused at the moment and hoping some of you have some wise words. I'll try to keep this short.

 

I've been with my husband for 13 years, and married for the last 4 of those. He's always been an emotional bully and I've just had enough of it now and I really want to leave. I'm finding that very difficult though. We hardly talk to each other anymore and I sleep int he spare room most nights these days. He's very mean with money and he won't be at all pleased if we get divorced and he has to give me some. My main problem is we have dogs which we both love a lot and are both going to have difficulties in letting go, whichever way it turns out. All my friends are telling me I should leave him, and how happy I would be if I did, having my life back. And I know it would be great, or at least I imagine it would be. There is a side issue in that one of my friends is a guy that I love, though it is only one way, he is married too, but he is all I think about, all of the time. He keeps telling me to leave and that I would be much happier if I did, but I guess I'm scared I'm making a huge mistake. I still love my husband, I just hate living with him and his bullying and being scared all the time. I love it when he goes away and I have the house to myself..............what should I do????

[HealingHandsWarmHeart]

Is this friend someone you are involved with?

 

your marriage..and i hate to sound blase about it- isn't much of a marriage-

 

if your husband isn't willing to get some counseling for his abusive ways.. why should you spend the rest of your life in fear of man who is suppose to be giving you support?

 

i often find that emotional abuse is way more damaging then physical abuse... if someone calls you names and hurts your emotionally there are no wounds to be seen.... and people question whether or not they are justified to feel afraid or abused... but if that same person got a black eye- oh boy- everyone would be saying GET OUT! There would be no questions asked.

 

for me... the deciding factor would be if my husband was willing to work out his issues in counseling- but if he wasn't - and there was no hope for change... i would leave or ask him to leave.

[Simply Brett]

You should tell him the truth, have someone with you if you fear for your safety. Explain to him that his attitude and demeanor has lead to you feeling as though you two are better off with out one another. Ask him if he would like to reconcile, or work through this together - if he makes up an excuse, trys to place the blame on you, or gets aggressive - it's time to walk away.

 

Sometimes it is better, but what ever you do.. don't tell him that you love another man he will just have more reasons to try and make your life miserable by what ever means he has. Keep that one in your minds vault, and don't act upon it either.

 

If you really love your friend you must love him enough not to get between him and his wife, if he feels they aren't meant for each other that will be his choice to deal with it - don't pressure.

 

You might even just be in love with him because you love the idea, of someone so kind, and nice to you but lest we forget - the grass is not always greener.

[k-rock]

If you openly love another man (even if he doesn't love you that way) you should really truly consider leaving. The emotional bullying is a huge issue but something you guys could potentially work through if you're willing. He may not realize he's doing it or he may be unable to stop without professional help. You guys could consider therapy to help you develop better ways to communicate with eachother.

 

If you really do love this other guy though, the issue at root isn't really the bullying (in my opinion at least).

[lostandhurt]

I am sorry your unhappy with the way your marriage is going. Have either of you made any attempts to repair the damage to your marriage? Therapy, counseling of any kind.

I think you should exhaust all avenues before you just leave. Your imagined love for this other guy is not healthy and might lead you to make bad choices. Concentrate on helping yourself through therapy and it will help you make the right choices for the rest of your life, whether married or not.

Your husband sounds like he has issues that he needs to deal with to help him become a better person and husband. He probably will not admit his faults but it is worth the effort to try and get him to open up in counseling why he thinks it is okay to treat you the way he does.

You have been together for a long time and so just throwing it away without giving some effort to repair it might leave you with regrets. No matter what happens in counseling it will give you the answers you need to make the best choice for you.

 

best wishes for you both

 

lost

[Aspen]

Thanks for all of your help

 

I have no fears of my husband getting violent, he's not that type. I have felt this way for a long time though, I'm not sure if what I feel for the other guy is being a catalyst and showing me how life could be. I do love him (the other guy) and I have told him, but to be honest I don't really want him, if it would mean ultimately losing him as a friend which is more important to me. He's just in my head ALL of the time, and has been for almost a year now, and it's not good for my marriage. I don't ever remember feeling like this about anyone else except for my husband when I first met him.

 

I would love to leave and live my own life, without any other men, and still stay 'friends' with my husband, but I think I'm asking for the impossible. ANother friend said I had two choices, to be miserable for the next 40 years, or to be happy for the next 40 years. Makes it seem so obvious what to do.

 

You're all so nice on here, thank you!