A relationship rant

[sweet_rebel]

So I've been dating a guy for a year and a half now. We live together. In the beginning, things were AMAZING. We never wanted to be anywhere but with each other. We have such similar senses of humor and our personalities are different in a way that click, if that makes sense. We can always have fun together. Lately, though, I'm not feeling the fire anymore. I still love him very much and he's one of my very best friends but do I want to be with him forever? If I am honest with myself, if he asked me to marry him today, I would say no. I don't want that, not now and maybe not ever. However, if I were to leave him, I would miss him. Terribly. What does this mean?

 

He and I fight whenever I go out with friends without him and he makes me feel bad when he isn't involved. That's not fair... I don't like it when he goes out without me either (my jealous side starts to get the best of me as I sit at home and wonder what he could be doing with his crazy, drunk friends.. and they all get SUPER drunk, too) but I never intentionally make him feel guilty about it. However, this is probably my only complaint when it comes to our relationship.

 

I've thought about telling him I need a break but how am I supposed to do that when we live together? We have two dogs, one of which is still a puppy and needs looking after. I can't leave him alone with that responsibility, it was our decision to get her.

 

Tonight, he made me feel guilty about a really ridiculous thing but it's bothering me so much. Tomorrow I'm going out with friends to celebrate my birthday - my b/f is part of it of course. His birthday was a few months ago, though, and I didn't have much money so I couldn't do more than buy him a fancy cake and take him out to dinner. Then, the weekend of his birthday, I was really, really sick and couldn't go out. I told him to go out without me but he wouldn't listen and stayed with me. Don't get me wrong, that was very sweet of him. But now he's making me feel guilty about having a "party" for my birthday when he didn't get one. Really?? What am I supposed to do? Not go out? Doesn't that seem so low and selfish of him or is it just me?

 

I don't know what to do but him making me feel bad about celebrating my birthday is not helping how I've already been feeling. I know things won't always be fiery and perfect but I don't know where the line between when it's time to say goodbye and when its time to try and work things out is. I don't know how badly I want things to work out even. I don't know what to do.

[DN]

Is it your actual birthday that you want to go out without him?

 

But that is just a symptom anyway. If you don't love this man enough to marry him (assuming he wants that) then you should not be with him. It seems to me that you might be staying with him for the wrong reasons. And problems with logistics should not keep you together.

 

Just be sure that you don't find that you lose him and then really regret it. See here for someone who found that

[sweet_rebel]

Is it your actual birthday that you want to go out without him?

 

Just be sure that you don't find that you lose him and then really regret it. See here for someone who found that ]

 

No, my birthday was yesterday and he IS coming out with me on Friday, he's involved. He's still making me feel guilty though.

 

And that's the biggest problem - I don't know if I'd regret it if I walked away... How do you know?

[DN]

Think for a moment how you would feel if he walked away from you, married somone else and had children and a happy life without you and you never saw him again - ever.

[DN]

Are you planning on celebrating your birthday just with him at all?

[Crazyaboutdogs]

This is the problem with a lot of relationships these day..everyone is rushing out to live together, and buy all kinds of things together before even deciding if they are ready to spend the rest of their lives with the person. They just get caught up in the honeymoon period of emotions and jump into living together only to feel trapped when they realize that they are not compatible after all.

 

His behaviour sounds very passive aggressive...throwing things in your face like that. However, I have to ask if you did a grand celebration for his birthday after you got better or did it just fall by the wayside. Even without much money there are so many romantic and special things that a person can do to make their partner feel pampered and special on their birthday.

 

I am not a big proponent of the "having a break". Having a break is simply a kinder way of saying break up. It simply gives the other person false hope. When someone says they want a break most of the time they have one foot out the door and the break simply morphs into a break up when the other person has finally had enough of limbo land and wants a real answer about the status of their relationship. You need to think long and hard about this. No, you should not stay with someone you no longer have an interest in just because you will miss the person when they are gone. Missing someone is NOT the same as truly loving someone. If you don't truly love him romantically then it is time to call it a day...but make sure this is what you really want. Dumping someone and then doing an about face a couple of weeks later just serves to make the other person lose trust.

[sweet_rebel]

Are you planning on celebrating your birthday just with him at all?

 

Yes, we did that yesterday. And we are going out to dinner, just the two of us, before the partying tomorrow night.

 

As for thinking about how I'd feel if he found someone else, I would feel upset I think. But I have this tendency to stay in relationships WAAAY to long. I overlook the way I feel and try to make it work. But, in the end, it doesn't last. I just don't want to make this mistake again. After my last relationship, I didn't really have "me" time. I met the guy I am with now and things just happened so fast. I tried to keep him at a distance while I figured myself out but after a few months, I couldn't deny that I was in love with him. I tried so hard not to let it happen... but it did.

[sweet_rebel]

CAD, I know what you are saying... I don't want to break up only to get back together and have a trustless relationship. That won't work. As for moving in together... we've only lived together for 3 months. We were together over a year before deciding to move in together. Is that too fast? It seemed like a reasonable amount of time to me. We spent all of our time together anyway... moving in together just meant we didn't have to worry about who's house to stay the night at.

 

I guess I don't know how to figure out what I want... I don't want to hurt him, I don't want to completely lose him but is that just the comfort factor in play? How do I decipher my love feelings and romantic feelings? I care about him so so much but I don't know if we should be together...

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I have to wonder if you launched into this relationship too soon after your last one ended. Lots of rebounds end up like this...the "in love" feelings and euphoria of not having to be alone after the previous relationship ended. You have only lived together for three months...everything was great before then because it was still part of the rebound fantasy. Now you are living together and real life has hit you and now you are thinking that this is no longer happy, exciting and euphoric..it is just the daily grind of living. I am sure it is not just since you moved in together that he had the little behaviour quirks...you are just noticing it more now because this is the real life of playing house together. In the end living a lie just to protect him from pain will not work. It is far better to end a relationship than to stay in it out of a sense of duty or not wanting to hurt someone. Loveless relationships ultimately hurt the person who is not loved. Breaking off with him means you have to accept losing him because he may no longer want you in his life.

[annie24]

besides the dog and party issue, how compatible are you two? do you have similar views on money, how you want to live your lives, do you both want or don't want children, etc.....? is he someone who would make a good husband for you?

[pumpkinmoon]

I think after a year and half the "fire" as you call it does die down a bit. In my opinion, in a relationship that is going to last, those feelings of lust and excitement at the beginning turn to love which grows and becomes stronger with the more time that goes on.

 

If arguing now and then about going out is you biggest and only problem then I don't think you have much to worry about but of course if your feelings have changed, then this is a different matter altogether and something that you need to work out.

 

If you really feel as though you need this break and feel bad about leaving him with the responsibility of looking after a puppy, maybe you could suggest that he should go and stay with someone for a few days or you could take the puppy with you.

 

Have you spoken to him about how you feel?

[DN]

When you first kindle a fire it starts with a spark, from a match or a lighter. The paper or kindling catches and then the larger pieces and soon you have a roaring fire with flames leaping up and it is a good things to see and to feel the heat - sometimes you have to step back a little to avoid being burned.

 

But this is not a fire for cooking for the flames are too fierce, and it isn't one for sitting by for you have to sit so far away your back gets cold. So if you take care of the fire properly, after a while a bed of coals develop in the firepit, hot and sustaining and that will last a long time if fed carefully - and this is a fire to cook over and sit by and be comforted by. It isn't as exciting but it is the fire that will keep you warm during a long night with small but carefully considered maintenance - and at much smaller cost of energy and firewood. And, if you need to, you can blow some air into it add some more firewood to revive the spectacular blaze.

 

All it needs is a little work.