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Lack of affection after 5 years


broken2pieces

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Hi, im new and have only posted one thread here but everyone has been helpful, so I have a question...

 

My bf/fiancee have been together for 5 years. ups and downs of course, engaged, broken off, together, engaged again. Long story short (whole story in other thread) But my question is, Does affection seem to lessen over time? He has never been overly affectionate (or even moderately) but i do notice that there has been less affection in the past few months.

 

For the guys out there, do you think that since your SO should know you love them that you don't need to show as much affection?

 

I am affectionate and mushy and want to be cute and playful, say i love you, kissy/huggy, etc. He isn't. He will say I love you when he leaves for work, but when hes home we usually spend our time on opposite couches...

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Have you spoken to him about this? People sometimes get so comfortable in the relationship that they don't really think about doing the affectionate stuff. Some people are just not naturally huggy/kissy. Saying I love you all the time can become very trite and meaningless if it is just said out of habit. If you are not happy with the level of affection you are getting perhaps you should talk about it with him and see if the two of you can spice things up a bit.

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With a lot of relationships, affection diminishes over time. A lot of couples have to work really hard in order to stop this from happening and to keep the affection alive. However, if his affection has lessened so much that it is really bothering/ upsetting you then it's not good and you really need to talk to him about it. I've been with my boyfriend for almost 3 years and I don't think our affection has lessened one bit.

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I have talked about it. So much so that he shuts down, rolls his eyes and gets iritated with me about it. I dont want to continue to nag about it - he works 16 hours a day, and over night as well - we see each other at 730am - when hes coming in from work and Im leaving, and again when I get home at 330pm and I wake him up to leave for work. When he doesnt work overtime on a Sunday we will lay on opposite couches in front of the TV and I watch him nap on and off all day. There is NO affection, and usually no intimacy - almost no sex. I would assume alot of it is him being tired (and on meds for depression), but wouldn't a person crave some affection, or miss their SO when they are away so much and WANT to cuddle alittle? I really miss some sort of human touch or expression of love. Up to a year ago he atleast wanted to cuddle on the couch together.

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When people are just existing (as it sounds like he is) all of their energy is focused on trying to make it through day by day that romance and cuddling is the last thing on their mind. He is in a rut and he seems to be happy staying in that rut. Unfortunately many people in these kinds of ruts only wake up when their partner finally leaves them. Then they suddenly have an epiphany on how they took the relationship and their partner for granted.

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He absolutely takes me for granted. He always has, and for a while I did the same to him. He didnt like how it felt and it led to our breaking off the engagement. I snapped out of it and vowed never to take him for granted again, which I dont - I have become a nag and complainer about him now, which hurts the relationship. I WON'T leave him, so he won't have that epiphony about how he should have treated me, so I don't know how to give him a wake up call. I truly want to marry him and we are hoping to plan for a Fall wedding this year, but I don't want to just co-exist together.

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How long have you been talking to him about this?

 

I think that the more you talk about it and the more he thinks he has to try the less affectionate he will be and he will start to view it as something he has to do, it will be on his mind and he will be doing it because he thinks he has to and not because he wants to if that makes any sense.

 

This is probably a stupid question but have you tried sitting near him when he is laying/sitting on he other sofa? i'm guessing you have so what happens when you do that?

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He absolutely takes me for granted. He always has, and for a while I did the same to him. He didnt like how it felt and it led to our breaking off the engagement. I snapped out of it and vowed never to take him for granted again, which I dont - I have become a nag and complainer about him now, which hurts the relationship. I WON'T leave him, so he won't have that epiphony about how he should have treated me, so I don't know how to give him a wake up call. I truly want to marry him and we are hoping to plan for a Fall wedding this year, but I don't want to just co-exist together.

 

You are unhappy now and don't like the fact that he basically ignores you. Marriage won't fix that, it will just end up getting worse leaving you feeling trapped. If the problems don't get sorted out I would really caution against marrying this guy.

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we have ups and downs, but only one major blowout (the past one). I really noticed the affection/attention problem since December - right around the time the meds started to take effect. There are times where he is affectionate. For example, we are on a bowling league and last Saturday after bowling we layed on the couch together for about an hour just listening to music. no talking, just holding each other and it was great. These times are far and few in between. I have tried to sit with him on the couch. We just sit. if I try to lay with him it is tough (he's 6'2 and 260 lbs, so its not exactly comfortable, lol) but he used to ask me to lay with him before anyways. It is possible that the meds are making him numb, and I cant exactly ask him to go off them and be depressed just so I can have attention. This is probably silly, but he used to text me at night while he was working. Just to say hi, or I miss you, I love you and how much I mean to him. That has also stopped. (In his defense, he works midnights and says he doesnt want to wake me up since I don't sleep much anyway, BUT, he USED to do this before) I feel like work gets the best parts of him and his family gets the leftovers. Is there a non threatening, non-confrontational way to approach the issue? Like have him read a book on basic relationship needs? Seems silly but I don't want to push him away with my constant whining or nagging about the subject...

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