Bars and clubs 101?

[InThisCity]

The question mark is included so that people don't think I'm giving advice, rather they know I'm asking.

 

I'm 26 and recently single as of Nov. You can read the stories and other posts by "find all posts by this user" under my profile or whatever.

 

I've grown up through college not going places alone. I've usually had a small group of friends to tag along with, and also I've had groups of acquaintances who would sometimes invite me along. I've been lucky to have friends, but at the same time, part of me is a huge loner and has been my whole life. It's a personality trait. Sometimes I just feel like staying home. I used to play a ton of video games too but I don't play as often now.

 

When I graduated college, I lost a lot of my friends. They moved, or got married, or I lost touch with them. After awhile, I starting dating a girl whom I thought I would marry and I felt like I was on cloud nine, like things were working out for once. We did a lot of things, and went out. We traveled. We had fun.

 

Then it ended, which left me alone. It was supposed to end, which is true, but now I don't know what to do to keep from thinking of it and hurting from it. Like tonight, I'm watching the Office on DVD but I'm doing it alone and it still hurts (even though the show is amazingly funny)

 

I've been somewhat successful in this part of my life to get out and do things alone, but there are a ton of unspoken rules that I have never learned b/c I have never been in this position. In college, I didn't go out to bars and clubs with friends very often, so not only am I new to being alone, I'm new to this whole scene. But the hard thing is, that's where people are! I have no other way to meet people. I've always had a tag-along group, or my girlfriend with me. So that's why I'm writing this thread.

 

I've been to bars since the breakup with little or no success. Even coffee shops, I just sit alone and drink until I just walk home by myself. What's even more heartbreaking is that most of the time no matter what place I go, everyone is a regular and knows either the people working there, or just knows each other. It really just makes me wish I was at home in bed not being awkward. One time I went out and people talked to me and were nice, but it was just b/c we all had some to drink and I'll never see them again. Another time I went to a karaoke bar (b/c I sing) and I went at 9:00 WAY before their busy time was. I just sat and talked with the bartender until people started coming.

 

That's how clueless I am. I don't even know the time-tables of being social in your 20s. I get off of work at 5:00. and I make dinner or I just go out and get it myself. But then from 8-10 I just watch TV or watch a DVD. Is this when people are out having fun, and how can I be a part of it? ....

 

How do I live now? and what do people do at bars? What is the best time to go? How do I find places where people are open to meet others? How do you meet friends in your 20s when you're recently single? I'm doing the right things... you're supposed to better yourself and treat yourself in order to come through a breakup better than ever but I feel like the good parts are only temporary while the pain remains.

 

can anyone give me practical steps on how to build (or re-build) my social life? Things are so different now, and it's lonely. It's even worse not having my ex as my companion....

[Clementine orange]

Join clubs?

 

As far as bars etc, maybe learn to play pool or darts or trivia quest something that will get you involved with people who are already there.

 

It's tough though I know.

 

Karokei like you mentioned is cool - especially if you can actually sing. Maybe some duets and ask around for a partner?

[Simply Brett]

I'm going to venture completely off the topic of bar and club etiquette, and share something with you which I think will be most beneficial to you when it comes to meeting quality people.

 

The kind of people I have met in BAR's were standoffish and typically bitter about something which made them want to go wash their problems away in the first place.

 

Yes, people have been using liquid courage since it was discovered in effort to take the tension out of social situations and allow for more fluent conversations. This does not usually translate well though when you are considering going out in effort to potentially search for someone you'd want to consider as a candidate for a long term relationship. (Unless you enjoy going out to drink so much that it is one of the things you two have in common, though I don't imagine that would be very healthy.)

 

Going to clubs is ok for some people that enjoy alcohol again, dacing perhaps. The people I see who tend to frequent night clubs which aren't part of any rich and famous social status are typically attending to "have fun." Having fun can mean what ever you translate it to mean. It also tends to mean the people you meet there aren't really interested in settling down anytime soon, so you may go to take a load off and get loose - but I wouldn't recommend a club as a place to meet a potential life partner either.

 

If you want to meet someone with some real potential to reciprocate your feelings in the event you end up being attracted to them, try looking into volunteer work. I mean, it's the last place anybody would look for a significant other.

 

The thing is, if you meet someone at a volunteer activity, you know they care about something other than themselves. (which is key to any successful relationship be it friendship, or more.) They are out doing something for the greater good of their community, or charity of choice. They are concerned for others well being, and would more than likely make an excellent choice for someone to date if you are interested in stability.

 

Just something to think about I hope it stirs your imagination!

[WillamB83]

Hey I wouldn't recommend going to bars often.

 

You should break out of your daily routine and start smelling the roses in life. You only live once and you shouldn't be afraid of anything or worried about yourself. Treat everyday like it is your absolute best day ever and you will be surprised how different you become.

 

I suggest sitting down and figuring out what you like to do and to do those things. You will meet someone along the way and it will be a perfect match. Really, do you want to meet someone at a bar? You might not fit personality wise.

 

Also maybe you can read some books on what your having issues with? I will admit that I have read a book or two on being better socially.

[dr_styles]

I can definitely relate to your current experiences. The big difference is that I'm not recently single - I always have been, but rest like more introverted/singular interests I have as well. I don't drink or dance or anything of that sort of scene, but as a bit of that "time to do something" resolution I thought I'd give it the odd go, and found the same thing as you. I've been to bars since the breakup with little or no success. Even coffee shops, I just sit alone and drink until I just walk home by myself. Word-for-word.

 

As for the suggestions about the other various clubs and social groups I can't really comment on that yet. Still figuring out what I want to do myself first because I don't really have particularly strong interests to want to go to something for that reason (and not have meeting people as the main reason which is just asking for trouble and disappointment)