Jump to content

Twice my age and thensome. Im 21 she's 49. You wont belive this.


Pandaj

Recommended Posts

Hey there, I was just searching the internet for something anon like this.

If the cops come to my door, know there will be trouble FOR THEM not for me. So I hope this is anon. If not, save a cop's life and just ban me and keep your mouth shut.

 

Lets start this * * * * from the beginning.

 

 

 

As a child I never had a father who was around, I lived with my mentally ill mother and grandparents and uncle and friends, there we're always crap loads of people in the house. My mother is totally skitz-o-fren-ic and the doctors have always just put her on high doses of whatever new meds and never took into account how it might affect us kids with her attitude and personality COMPLETELY CHANGING every new prescription. From 2 years old until 9 we lived at my grandparents, my mother flipped out and chocked me and gassed my baby sister with propane when I was six, but she was only in the mental ward for a couple of months. By nine we were finially moving out of my grandpaprents house into a nice to story townhouse, and while my mother didn't have a job and wasn't making any more money, it sure felt like thigs were about to get better.

 

Right after we moved they changed my mothers medicine from 200+mg a day of moban to something else. She completely changed from the nazi she was to like a regular person, or as regular as I knew. Little did I know at the time that when they changed her, she just stopped taking the meds all together. I had a couple of good years as a child right then. I really think that if someone would have cared enough about my mother's mental condition and the welfare of her children, they could have achieved the happy balance that I witnessed, I would have had a much better life. I really wish they would have just taken me away to a new family the first time (Just the first time while I was alive, she had actually been doing this for years before my birth with my older sister.)

 

I had a few regular relationships. There was a girl that I kissed in the bushes outside of my townhouse. We would meet up every day before we walked to school, and kiss in the buses right near the bus-stop which we never got on. I really wish she wouldn't have moved, we got along so well and it was effortless to be around her.

 

My next relationship when I was 12 was with a 17 year old girl who was VERY attractive in my eyes, we were together until around my 13'th birthday. I was a fat tub of lard and I really don't understand what she saw in my other than my glowing intellect and endless pool of creativity. Perhaps that was enough? We kissed and she got me off for the first time, but it was with my clothes on. I was so embarrassed, she had to give an explanation to me of what happened and she couldn't believe that I had never hear of it. Our relationship ended shortly after that, pretty unfairly IMO.

 

The last straw for me was when my mother convinced me that I was Jesus Christ and that I needed to me crucified to save all the Christians. I believed her because she was my mother and she was pretty good at weaving lies.

I did some testing of my own and decided shortly after that I was not Jesus and I did not need to die for the worlds sins. So I told this to my mother and she pulled a knife and grabbed my sister. I proceeded to punch her in the face rather rapidly and my whole family just converged on me and kicked me out of the house, like I was in the wrong for hitting a "Mentally disabled person". Stupid laws are stupid. I never did come back and my family just kind of collapsed, I didn't care.

 

So here is the real MEAT, this is what your reading this for.

 

When I was 13 years old, I left my mothers house to be homeless. I lived in the woods for a few weeks as my family had always been outdoorsy and I was familiar enough with the local plants to keep myself well fed, actually more so than I had ever been in my entire life. I never understood when I was living with my mother, how it was that I was so fat and got to eat so little...

 

One day when I was raiding the campground near the woods I broke into a trailer that I was 100% certain was empty. I was looking through them for laptops, jewelery, or whatever else the pawnshop wanted. I broke in and found a naked woman.

 

She didn't scream, she didn't say anything... I was scared and started to cry. I knew I was going to go to jail and that they would send me back to my mothers house.

 

When I wept she just came over and hugged me. I cried and cried without words for hours, it was like all the pain I had ever felt in my life was just surfacing. It felt so good to be in her arms, I could feel her flesh pressing up against mine through the rips in my clothing, she was so warm and soft.

 

She was a larger woman, she had the body type of an ancient Greek painting or statue. When I was a child I always used to sneak quick peeks of my mothers art books, so that was really the first type of nudity I was exposed to. Now more than ever I knew that this was what I wanted in a woman.

 

My heart was racing and I had never felt quite this good before, despite my flowing tears. I asked her why she was naked and she said that she had been waiting for her husband to show back up. They had gotten in a fight two days earlier and he left. I hadn't seen the truck outside for a couple days so thus why I figured no one was home.

 

Without further words from me or her, I reached out and touched her chin, drew her face in and held on to her lips with mine. I touched her breasts and had my way with her. I felt so fulfilled, like a man finally. It was the most wonderful thing that had ever happened to me.

 

I stayed in this trailer with this woman for quite some time.

 

I had facial hair since I was ten, and by 13 it was looking pretty convincing, enough to buy cigarettes from my small town. I was 6'3 at 12 and I haven't grown an inch since. I weighed 260 pounds. Nothing about me was like a child at all, it was like being around my mother had forced me to grow up.

 

I always told her that I was 18, she knew I was young, but I didn't look it.

It was totally selfish of me to lie but I was not about to give up on this perfect woman because of something trivial like that.

 

We lived together very happily for a LONG time, when I turned 17 I told her that I was 17, she said she always figured I was lying, but still couldn't believe how young I was. I had always told her I loved her from the start, but I really poured it all out to her. I told her of how she had saved me, and that nobody made me feel as happy as she did, that I hurt when she was gone, even for a moments time. I told her that her happiness and pleasure supercedes my own and always will.

 

I'd like to note her husband never returned and its still not known where he went.

 

When I turned 18 I returned to my mothers house for the first time in years. I told her that by law I was a man now and that I wanted all of my documents, ss card, birth certificate, the works. She pointed to a cardboard box full of random papers, and said if she still had it, it would be in there.

 

I rummaged through the box of documents to discover all the files I wanted and one more item of interest, an obituary for an old native-Indian woman who died in the 80's before I was born.

 

I bought a subscription to ancestry. com and looked this woman up. It turned out that she was my great grandmother on my fathers side!

 

All my life I had wondered if he was even still alive and if he had ever cared for me. His sisters phone number was listed and I did not hesitate to call it.

 

The woman who picked up did not speak english. She sounded old and tired.

I begged her to stay on the phone, word by word in real time I translated what she was saying and what I wanted to say.

 

She told me that my father was impossible to reach, and that they had not hear from him in many years.

 

After about two hours of this someone picked up the pone and started pressing numbers. It was my grandmothers daughter, who spoke english very well.

 

She said she would make some calls and see if she couldn't get my number to him.

 

I hung up the phone and ten minutes later the phone rang again. I said hello and heard myself say it back. I said it again and this time "Hola" was returned. My father sounded just like me.

 

"Dad? Father?"

 

"Yes son, it is me. Your dad is here now..."

 

I hung up the phone and cried.

 

My mother always told me that my father was a Warlock Gangster and that he taught men how to have out of body experiences so that he could "pimp out" my mother spiritually. The rest of my family said he was a gangster and drug deal, and a hitman. I was not sure if this man who had abandoned me was worth talking to or even knowing.

 

He called back again and I just let it ring. It seemed like he just kept calling back for hours and hours, the phone rang all day and late into the night. I finally picked it up again and told him how I felt about being abandoned with a psycho and left for dead.

 

I told him how hard it was growing up without a father, and how poor I always was and how I had never had anything and had no useful skills like my other friends with fathers.

 

I told also told him that I hold no animosity towards him, that he owes me nothing and that I am not angry for any past transgressions. I told him that its all in the past, and if he wanted to be, he could be part of my present.

 

He wired me 200 dollars and I was soon aboard a greyhound bus to see him.

 

My relationship with the woman I am with was always "GOOD" in my eyes, the only real problem was just the "secrecy" involved in being a part of an under aged relationship. All of my friend always would say to me "When are you going to get a girlfriend?"

They would laugh at my responses. They always laughed at me for being a "virgin". It was hard in that aspect to say the least.

 

Our relationship hit rocky waters when she started becoming so insecure. Friends that were girls whom I had known since childhood were no longer welcome at her house, nor was I allowed to see them. She had became very jealous and protective of me. From 15-18 I kinda just stayed home, let the social world around me pass by while I maintained my forbidden relationship.

I loved her so much that I didn't care that my teen aged years passed me right on by.

 

I took my first step onto the greyhound, I had never been on a transport vehicle of this size before. I sat my luggage in the seat right next to me.

I was told by my partner to not let anyone sit by me.

 

Right as the bus started to move down the highway and my girlfriend/significant other was out of sight I was approached by a young read headed seductress.

 

"Is this seat taken?" She asked

 

I looked around to see all the other open seats and instantly knew that this woman was attracted to me.

 

I was shaking on the inside, I knew it was wrong to let her sit by me, but I found myself moving my luggage into the overhead storage area none the less. She was so beautiful, like a goddess. Her skin was very fair and her hair was like a ruby in the sun, her blue eyes were like liquid in a deep sea.

 

We talked and within hours we kissed, I pulled away and began to weep.

I told her that it was wrong and that I had a girlfriend already. She showed me a gold band on her wedding finger and said she had a husband, and that it was okay.

 

We didn't have sex, even though she wanted to.

 

I met my father and lived with him for 1 month, I was only supposed to be there for a week. I was waiting trying to synchronize my return bus route home with Michelle's. She just kept getting delayed and my girlfriend back home was getting worried that I might not return.

 

I had fallen in love with Michelle, it had only taken a glance. I felt so connected with her, like with my own girlfriend. They were both so perfect...

 

I do not know how to go about this, I love my girlfriend JUST AS MUCH as I ever have, and she still means the world to me. Michelle has kept in contact with me even since then, and I am 21 now.

 

I told my girlfriend that I had cheated on her by kissing and touching another woman, and that I thought I was in love, but that I was still in love with her.

 

My girlfriend is 49 years old, Michelle is 26. My girlfriend cannot have a child, Michelle can.

 

I would follow my original love to the grave without a doubt, but I am the only son on my fathers side and my mothers side. If I do not have a child two family bloodlines will end with me. No other successors. Both of my last names will never be written again. Its kind of a heavy thing when you think about all the people it took to get here and how I would be closing off an ancient pathway, never to be traveled again. Fate is strange.

 

To me love is when someone's happiness is more important to you than your own, and when you are willing to give up everything you desire to fulfill your partners needs and wants, you are truly in love.

 

I feel this way for both women. I wish I could just be with both of them, they both deserve someone who cares and is willing to take care of them for life. I can fill this role, but every day becomes harder and harder.

 

I have long contemplated suicide, I feel like my mothers craziness rubbed off on me and caused damage that is too old to be repaired.

 

I have been told that true love is for only one person, and if this is the case then its like my entire life that was in my control was just wasted.

 

Am I really that out of touch with my feelings? That I cannot separate love from lust, and thats what has kept me with this old woman for so long? Lust?

 

I have lusted for women before, I would look right through their clothes and thing about them in all kinds of poses and positions, I think that is lust, no feelings or emotions associated.

 

What I have IS NOT LUST, I think... But how can I love two people?

 

It seems stupid to abandon 9 or so years on a one day happening. But I felt our souls touching! I felt the same way for Michelle as I do for my girlfriend. We bonded and connected and related, just like my girlfriend and I. We met upon random circumstances or by fate, just like my girlfriend and I.

 

I love both of these women.

I have age related problems with my girlfriend, I lied to Michelle and she knows it, and had lost trust in me because of it. (I told her I was older than I was...)

 

I do not know what to do, every aspect of my life is always so conflicted, even diametrically opposed. I feel torn in half about everything and am so over analytic that I cannot make a discision one way or another about anything.

 

I have mental problems I know, but I will not end up like my mother, just some toy for doctors to pops pills into for the rest of my life.

 

I need help and I hope you people can help me. No one else seems to have anything useful to say. I listen too, They just cannot understand why I would be with such an old woman. They call me a victim of rape and say I should turn in my soul mate to the police and get consoling!

 

I cannot convince anyone that at 13 years old I was able to make my own choices and consent to sexual activity...

 

I hate the world we live in.

 

Please help me.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Hey,

 

I don't really know what to say that'll be of any use. It does sound like your upbringing has left you with abandonment issues and a fear of being alone. The draw you get when you have some attention is too great to resist. So you fall easily and heavily, probably in part because of your inner turmoil as much as these women are right for you.

 

If you can, I'd look into the common traits of abandonment, and see if any of that rings true for you. And then maybe start dealing with that and see where it takes you.

 

Good luck though

Link to comment
Share on other sites

You seriously believe someone will read this novel? Please try to make it shorter next time..

 

I read it all.

 

OP, get yourself some counseling please. There's no way you could possibly deal with all of those feelings on your own.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I think that you should seek professional help. I know you are adamant against drugs, and that's fine, so make sure you avoid a psychiatrist...but a psychologist or social worker, just to talk things out, should work fine. Sounds like you have a lot that you still will need to work though, and it will be difficult, if not downright impossible, to work though alone. If you hope to have a normal relationship with either one of these women, you will need to seek someone with more resources than us.

 

I don't understand - Why do you fear that counseling would mean that they would call the police?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I think that you should seek professional help. I know you are adamant against drugs, and that's fine, so make sure you avoid a psychiatrist...but a psychologist or social worker, just to talk things out, should work fine. Sounds like you have a lot that you still will need to work though, and it will be difficult, if not downright impossible, to work though alone. If you hope to have a normal relationship with either one of these women, you will need to seek someone with more resources than us.

 

I don't understand - Why do you fear that counseling would mean that they would call the police?

 

Because he's living with the woman who, by all technical terms, raped and sexually abused him from 13-18 (or whatever your law is). Confidentiality laws only go so far.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Thats quite a story. I have to say .....you're a very strong man to endure all that you have, and live to tell about it. You have a lot of strength and courage man.

 

I agree, plus your ability to open up about it all. Wow. I mean, yes, it's an anonymous forum but it's a good start.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I'm somewhat confused on the whole timeline..You went to live with your father for a month when you were 18 (after returning home to get your papers.)

 

On the busride to your dads, when you were 18, you met Michelle, a 26 year old who you kissed. Was she 26 then or now?

 

Something is not adding up here....

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I thought it was a pretty good one. I should write a book.

Apparently I already have... lol.

 

I think you should! I'ts therapeutic in it's own way...and good to get it out. Just imagine what a great father you'll make someday. You know from experience what NOT to be.

 

Do you and your father still talk? You and your mother?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I'm somewhat confused on the whole timeline..You went to live with your father for a month when you were 18 (after returning home to get your papers.)

 

On the busride to your dads, when you were 18, you met Michelle, a 26 year old who you kissed. Was she 26 then or now?

 

Something is not adding up here....

 

Michelle=not my girlfriend.

 

Different woman. I think she was 23 or 24 at the time.

 

26 or 27 now.

 

Not really related to the rest of my story other than I cheated on my girlfriend with her and have intense feelings for her.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

How did you first girlfriend react when you told her about the girl that you met on the bus?

 

It might not be the cup of tea for many people, but it is possible to love 2 people at the same time.

 

Most likely I think you are feeling 2 very different types of love for these women: the first was a sort of parent replacement (albeit the sex), while the second one is the first 'typical' relationship, a partner with whom you could one day start to have a family with.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I think you should! I'ts therapeutic in it's own way...and good to get it out. Just imagine what a great father you'll make someday. You know from experience what NOT to be.

 

Do you and your father still talk? You and your mother?

 

I still speak to my father and mother sparingly.

 

My father turned out just to be a normal man with a family of his own. He left my mom because she went crazy... Not a bad reason to leave a relationship IMO. He tried to get me but he claims my grandfather threatened him with death.(very like my gandpa) So I don't hold it against him.

 

My mother ruins my life a little more with each call or visit.

But yes, I still talk to her incoherent crazy ass. I do not blame her or have any hard feelings for her either.

She was under the influence of pharma's and psychosis. She was not responsible for her actions. I really do love her and I feel sad that she does not get to live a normal life. Its something I think about a lot.

 

The only atrocity here is that the fed's didn't step in and take us kids away. It was obvious that she was a danger.

 

I have so much more to say, but I am here to talk about my relationships. Not my life really.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

How did you first girlfriend react when you told her about the girl that you met on the bus?

 

It might not be the cup of tea for many people, but it is possible to love 2 people at the same time.

 

Most likely I think you are feeling 2 very different types of love for these women: the first was a sort of parent replacement (albeit the sex), while the second one is the first 'typical' relationship, a partner with whom you could one day start to have a family with.

She told me to leave and acted like I destroyed her world.

Then she got over it. She knows I love her and that she feels the same way.

 

She had talked about being in a "poly" relationship, but I don't want to feel like a Mormon. lol

 

Seriously though, when she talks about this stuff and get all excited about the next season of "Big love", I have never had the balls to ask her about michelle, she seemed to destroyed by it that I am scared to bring it up again, it makes me feel like a coward.

 

Michelle said she would be my slave for eternity and that I could lock her up in my basement as long as she had food and internet and WOW. lol

She said that in response to me saying,

 

"You shouldn't be so trusting, there are bad people out there who would make sure you never saw the light of day again..."

 

It has the possibility of working out in my favor, but I do not want to pursue either relationship if I care for these people the wrong way, or if my feelings are just there to "replace" my parents...

 

Some good info is starting to come of this, I am glad I posted here.

Thanks

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Not to dismiss your questions, but you write very well for someone who apparently hasn't been to school since age 12 or 13?

 

If I'm wrong... I apologize.

 

 

My grandfather always told me not to let school get in the way of my education. I was in school until 13, even a little longer after I moved away, (walking to school from the woods was AWESOME) but I ended up dropping out because of the increasingly sexual nature of the conversations with my "school friends". I found it harder and harder to protect myself by being a non-participant in these conversations. I hated being "the virgin", it made me boil on the inside, I just couldn't take it anymore. So I pursued a home taught education off of the "educational grid" if you will . My lover helped me buy books for subjects that I wanted to be adept at, I read them and learned.

 

I had always been a wonderfully active student. When I was 5 years old and in kindergarten they did a story about me in the paper. I was a "prodigy" because I could read huckleberry fin, and just about anything else they put in from of me.

Lol I was so excited when the news people came, I thought I was going to get money and that my family wouldn't be poor anymore because I was "famous". (Remembering my innocence so vividly makes me cry, lol I'm a cry baby.)

I returned home and and told my mom about the news paper people. When the paper came out she raged at me.

"I didn't teach you how to read! Lying little * * * * !"

I got the * * * * beat outta me for saying in the paper that my mother taught me how to read, I guess she didn't... lol

I got beat quite often, but not really the point of this post.

 

My focus is on words and writing. I like to maintain a high vocabulary, as words are our only way to covey our emotions and the way we feel. I know that there is no proper way to make a human understand your true feelings, as the only way to do that is for them to feel what you feel, and that will not happen ever, so words are the best thing I've got. The more I have, the more complete of an image I can display. By nature I am high tier reader.

 

When I dropped from school I was in a "TAG" program I was in 7th grade and I could read at above a 12th grade level and the school had to buy expensive college books, (sweet redemption). I had been in TAG since kindergarten. The "Talented and Gifted" program felt like a damn joke, because my town was so small, the TAG room and the retard room were the same room... So all the retards were "tag" as well... Real de-motivator for all the other students to use against me... I stayed in it always just because I knew I was pursuing a higher education.

 

As soon as I left school my education really took off, I feel much better off having left and I think my talents are more focused than before. Thanks for your interesting question.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...