Jump to content

I broke up with her last night...

Starting Over In a Relationship - B...
Starting Over In a Relationship - Beginners Guide

Recommended Posts

I broke up with my gf of 4 months (7 months total dating). There were too many issues and It was doing way too much harm to her and I. I mentioned to her that I was behind at work and that I needed to take some time away from her because I was on edge all the time because of our problems and that I needed to catch up. She interpreted this as me wanting to distance myself from her and she got upset. I felt that she wasn't very understanding. I mentioned to her that we should not see each other until we made another appointment with the Therapist, but she didn't feel like doing that. I was scared that seeing each other without the Therapists intervention would lead to another fight/argument/misunderstanding.


I had to break up with her. I was put over the edge. She cried, begged, the whole 9. I did not shed one tear...I just sat there while she cried...trying to talk rational to her...and that this was the best for her and I. And I feel guilty.


I am now 4 weeks behind on a project at work. I'm a software developer for a major defense contractor. I felt that staying with her would not allow me to focus on digging myself out of this hole that I put myself into. All the problems and drama really affected my productivity and performance. I'm scared of losing my job (especially with this economy) and I have no security blanket (no family, friends) other than my emergency fund. This economy does not make me feel better about it...and I know you can't get unemployment if you get fired.


I still love her alot. I felt like I had to do it for myself and for her. I felt that she wasn't taking care of herself. She has been missing work and school a few times in the past few weeks because of our problems.


I told her to continue seeing a Therapist for the issues that were identified and to love herself and concentrate on school and work.


I miss the good times with her. I love her, and it's so hard because there was amazing chemistry with her. I would like to try again with her someday when things are better.


For now, i'm the only one that's gonna pay the bills and put food on the table for myself. So I have to dig myself out of this hole.


I feel like I did the right thing, although I feel guilty for breaking up with her.


Why do I feel this way? She texted me this morning telling me that she had a phone appointment with her Therapist. I replied with "it makes me feel good that you are taking care of yourself. you are a great girl...keep it up".


1) Why do I feel guilty? Is this common?

2) Should other parts of my life suffer this much as a result of a dysfunctional relationship? Is there anything I can do to be more "rock hard" and be able to handle what life throws at me?

3) Like I mentioned, I would like to try with her again. I just felt the timing was not right and she brought in some baggage/issues into this relationship that needs to be fixed. Is it bad to try with her later on or should I just move on for good?


I love her dearly and it hurts so bad.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Sure, you can feel guilty. With all the begging and pleading she did, it's natural you felt that way, because you cared about her. I broke it off with my ex (though she had LOTS of baggage and problems), and I still feel a pang of guilt. Means I cared for her.


I laze off at work more, I procrastinate on things, I go to sleep at 1am and wake up at 6...basically I'm doing the things she used to do, and I'm finding out that she must've rubbed off on me more than I knew at first. I wasn't this lazy before, I always got things done right away. I always went to bed at 10. I'm working on getting out of that habit. I created some new projects for myself and set deadlines for them. I'm going to get back to my solid work ethic.


Don't know what exactly she's going to a therapist for, but it's probably something that needs a lot of time to overcome. It's up to you to decide, but don't expect her to come out of it perfectly fine. Do you want to wait or move on? I chose to move on, personally. Sure, I loved her. I gave every ounce of myself for her. But I also gave it my best and it wasn't good enough. I have to move on.


Sometimes I think about her. I made the mistake today of googling her Facebook page to see her profile pic. It was an old pic of her and a girlfriend, but just seeing her face weakened me, and I don't want that.


All I can say is try harder to focus on things that involve her in no way and that never involved her. Find something you can just dive into and waste away hours without a thought of her. Easier said than done, I know - but try not to think too much about her.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

The truth is that when I met her, I was not interested in a relationshp at all. I fell for her, and I decided to give it a try. It was not planned.


Moving on for me will just be getting myself out of this hole, working on my career, and concentrate on my studying for the GMAT. I am absolutely not interested in dating anymore. I love her and she would be the only one that I would want to be in a relationship with.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Easier said than done, I know - but try not to think too much about her.


thats true, like you said you were 4 weeks behind on a project at work, thats a long time, you can't afford to have any outside interference bothering you as you catch yourself up and put your life together. It sounds like you both really do care about eachother but i hope that she understands that this time really is needed and once things are all put in place, maybe things can start off on a new foot.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

You feel guilty because you seem to be a nice responsible guy.


I applaud you for getting out this relationship to get your life in order. Many of us will stay with the wrong person until the cows home thinking things are going to change. They never do. I'm not saying she will never get herself together...she might....and then perhaps you can go from there. But in the meantime...it looks like you are the right path.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

sorry u are hurting. tell her how u feel, be open with her about your feelings and that u want to work on yourself and want her to work on herself for the better ot each person and for the relationship. then tell her you really need time alone. I think LC, while learning to SET BOUNDARIES, is a good idea in this case.


You sound like a sweet guy, it' s normal to feel guilty.


it reminds me of my situation.


stay strong and take care!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

If you are having this many problems this early in dating it is not a good sign. Either she is addicted to drama, or has a lot of personal issues to work out, or the two of you just don't mesh well together and hence have lots of problems.


But you are 100% correct in determining that your survival is more important than continuing the drama.


The only other suggestion i could make is that if you really just need time to get the work back on track, you could tell her you want no contact for 2 months, while you get your work back on track and she attends counseling, and then you can re-status at the end of 2 months and see whether you are both in a better position to try or get therapy together.


But it sounds like it is critical to not have contact for a while in order to just straighten out your head and work... No relationship should be so chaotic you can't function at work. That's usually a really bad sign that the relationship is not good for you.

Link to comment
Share on other sites


This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

  • Create New...