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my gf doesnt like that i talk to some of my exs


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Why Do Guys Stay in Touch With Ex-g...
Why Do Guys Stay in Touch With Ex-girlfriends?

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i dont really know what to do about this. i still talk to about 3 of my exs from time to time on a friendly basis. the only thing is that my gf doesnt like it at all and it makes her furious. i have no intentions to get back with any of them, its just being friendly and keeping in touch. anyone have any advice on how to handle this?

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It seems disrespectful for you to continue to speak to them. These are women you had been intimate with and talking to them is making her feel insecure and doubt how much you care for her.

What is a "friendly basis" anyways. What are you and them getting out of talking after you broke up. It seems like you are living in the past by staying in contact with them, if only a little.

Is she the most important person in your life? If so, then treat her like it.

 

lost

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There's no right answer here. The ironic part, however, is likely to come much later when, upon receiving the news that you wouldn't lose all contact with your ex's, your current starts pulling away from you, putting up emotional walls, and your relationship collapses. Then, you tell her "What's wrong with you? You're not the same. I need you to contribute to our relationship here." Then, unable to open up, and sensing your dissatisfaction with her, she dumps you.

 

Weeks later, after you've gone NC with her, you receive a phone call. "Is it alright that I've called?" she asks. "I've missed you so much, and I really want you to stay in my life." You say "ok", shaking your head, perplexed as to why it's now ok for this ex-girlfriend to be part of your life and yet somehow all of the others before her weren't allowed and there was something wrong with it.

 

You contemplate telling her, "Hey, I would love to have you in my life as a friend! And, as such, I will keep you close to me until such time as I get another girlfriend, and then I will dump our friendship and never speak to you again. Of course, just going by your rules here. Wouldn't want to disappoint you."

 

Then, suddenly, you get it. It's ok for THIS ex-girlfriend to be part of your life because life is all about her. Not just her life, but your life as well, and everybody else's too. thereforee, the rules do not apply, and it's now perfectly fine for an ex to be in your life.

 

/story.

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Not quite sure why you need to keep in touch with your exes. While they may no longer mean anything to you in a romantic sense I can understand why your current girlfriend would be upset..it is not letting go of the past..there is still some kind of bond there that keeps you connected. It is not a pleasant thought for someone to know that there partner still has some kind of connection with someone they had an intimate relationship.

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How serious is this relationship with the GF? If you are just casually dating then perhaps it's a bit over the top for her to be concerned and could be a sign of her being a bit possessive. But, If you are serious. I mean like, ready to move in together or get engaged serious then she has some valid concerns.

 

From her standpoint she could be seeing it as you still hanging onto the past and not being fully attentive to her. The time you spend talking to them is not time with her.

 

With my wife, she has several former boyfriends whom we still encounter and social events because we run in the same social/political circles. I had to quickly 'get it' that this was just a friendly social thing and nothing more. I was never bothered by it.

 

Now, if you are chatting with the formers and perhaps doing more like (I know someone who is doing this, so I'm not making an accusation, just an example) having phone sex with them, that's a whole different story and you need to not be doing that.

 

There is a point where you have to break with the past and let them go about their lives and live your life in the moment.

 

Peace

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Not quite sure why you need to keep in touch with your exes. While they may no longer mean anything to you in a romantic sense I can understand why your current girlfriend would be upset..it is not letting go of the past..there is still some kind of bond there that keeps you connected. It is not a pleasant thought for someone to know that there partner still has some kind of connection with someone they had an intimate relationship.

 

Although I understand this concept completely, for whatever it's worth, I encourage my girlfriends to stay friends with their ex's. They can be friends with anyone they'd like. I don't own my girlfriends. I also don't shove my jealousy and insecurities onto people I love since that is the polar opposite of love. If someone is doing that to you then they are not loving you. They are trying to control and possess you.

 

I would also argue that if you are in a relationship, and it's not strong enough to withstand friendship with an ex, then it's certainly built on a house of cards, and it's ready to collapse at any moment anyway, with or without an ex prop thrown in the mix.

 

Finally, when given a chance to show trust and faith in someone, don't cower away from it. Thank your lucky stars that you were given an opportunity to show how much you love someone by granting them their freedom. If they stay with you and don't mess around with the other then you can be sure, beyond any doubt, that it is you that they love and adore. And if they leave? If they choose the one from their past? Then heh, you've done everyone a favor. They like the other person better. They weren't that into you. You've all managed to save everyone a lot of stress and heartache down the road.

 

I would HATE to think that the only reason my girlfriend was so into me was because she didn't have access to someone else she liked better. What kind of connection is that? If she likes someone more then me then she should be with that person, and I'd do everything in my power to make sure she gets her way.

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Its not like they're going to tell you that they messed with their ex. They might want to have their cake and eat it to. You would never know, she could just be "using you" for whatever reason. Its not smart to just blindly trust someone, unless your emotionless and could careless whether they're cheating on you or not, emotionally or physically.

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Its not like they're going to tell you that they messed with their ex. They might want to have their cake and eat it to. You would never know, she could just be "using you" for whatever reason. Its not smart to just blindly trust someone, unless your emotionless and could careless whether they're cheating on you or not, emotionally or physically.

 

Ok, but nothing that you're describing has anything at all to do with love. Love requires trust. Either you have it or you don't. You can't "kind of trust" someone. If you don't have trust, like in your scenario, then don't confuse yourself by then trying to say that you also have love. You don't. You just have a dysfunctional relationship.

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thanks for the advice everyone. wow i didnt expect this to blow up this fast. its not like i keep in touch with them on a regular basis. its more of frendly small talk from time to time. no i do not have any kind of feelings for them at all. i can see how she would be upset if it was very often, but its not. i value her far more than i do them. i would cut connections with them just to show her what she means. but i know she would say she wouldnt want me doing that because then it would look like shes controling me, and it would be.

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A good relationship has LOVE and RESPECT.

If you do not respect you SO's feelings then there is a problem.

lost

Ok, but nothing that you're describing has anything at all to do with love. Love requires trust. Either you have it or you don't. You can't "kind of trust" someone. If you don't have trust, like in your scenario, then don't confuse yourself by then trying to say that you also have love. You don't. You just have a dysfunctional relationship.
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A good relationship has LOVE and RESPECT.

If you do not respect you SO's feelings then there is a problem.

lost

 

You can respect your significant other's feeling without laying down for them like a dog. If your significant other says "Your mom makes me nervous. No longer speak with her", are you going to listen to her wishes? After all, you would be "respecting her feelings" right?

 

Staying or not staying in touch with an ex is completely arbitrary. There are no rules for this. Nobody's God has called out from the Heavens demanding that you do this or you're going to hell. It's great to be able to do things so that your significant other isn't insecure, but there is always a line to be drawn. Otherwise, you are playing doormat for somebody's insecurities, and good things rarely come from that long term.

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who is more important to you at this point? your gf or an ex? why keep in touch with exs? i have very limited anything with any exs. an email or a text to say hi. we don't talk about much at all.

 

I think it's obvious that your current is the more important person in your life, but perhaps the more poignant question would be, "For how long will this important person in my life remain so important if she is so insecure with herself that some polite banter with an ex-GF causes her to fly off the handle and lose her cookies?"

 

I'm all for being proactive in the short term in order to mitigate potential relationship conflicts, but not if your solutions do nothing but harm your relationship in the long term. Often, relationships are about power and control. They are about how much you are willing to compromise, sure, but also, they are much more about the quality of those compromises.

 

Would you really want to be with someone forever that could control who you were allowed converse with via arguing, tantrums, and emotional breakdowns? That's a big "no thanks" for me.

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You seem to be missing the point! Its not about controlling who your SO can or cannot talk to. Its a general no no to keep any kind of relationship with your ex while your in a relationship with someone else, its just not healthy, especially if the ex still has feelings for your girl! Or man, if your a girl. Everyone else is ok, ex lovers are not and should give you a cause for concern. If your just going to ignore it and allow the contact then who is being walked over now? Your just choosing to be blind to the obvious.

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the question if staying in touch with an ex is ok causes so much uproar, because a) a lot of people move on from a relationship without actually taking enough time to process why the relationship ended, so that a lot of emotions remain unresolved or b) because they started a new relationship while they actually still have feelings for an ex.

 

If either one is the case of course you are suspicious about the motive of a new SO why he/she wants to stay in touch with their respective exes.

 

Another reason is that a lot of people have the unrealistic wish that in any relationship, everything should revolve around them and they take it as a sign for "true, eternal, real..." love if the SO does not have any true connection beside themselves.

 

Let's face it: the older we get, the higher the number of our exes is. They are part of our history. If you don't like my history, you can't like me much, since my history is what shaped me.

 

Usually there is a very good reason why someone is my ex, and most likely I do not want to be in touch with them anymore.

 

But it happens from time to time that you have an ex, where the relationship didn't work out, but you are not hating the person, nor do you have feelings for the person, and you can still like the person.

 

Why should I not stay in touch with someone because I realized a long time ago that we were not suited for each other, but I still see that this is a decent person. Can I not honor that part of my history by wondering from time to time how they are doing and still be respecting my new SO?

 

Maybe it's just me, but I parted on friendly terms with most of my exes and I still care enough about them to want them to have a happy life. I also have enough respect for my SO to tell him about these exes and I don't have a problem for him to be in touch with the exes who played a part in his life (as long as they played a positive part in his life). In some ways I owe it to them that he is who he is now.

 

Both my brothers are married, and at both weddings there were exes from my brothers and their respective brides.

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You seem to be missing the point! Its not about controlling who your SO can or cannot talk to. Its a general no no to keep any kind of relationship with your ex while your in a relationship with someone else, its just not healthy, especially if the ex still has feelings for your girl! Or man, if your a girl. Everyone else is ok, ex lovers are not and should give you a cause for concern. If your just going to ignore it and allow the contact then who is being walked over now? Your just choosing to be blind to the obvious.

 

No, you've missed the point. If you are telling your significant other that they can't speak with someone then you are being controlling, period. There is no way you can spin that action so that that's not the case. And saying "it's a general no, no"... By whose standards? Yours? Your families? Joe Blows? God's? Nonsense. No one has to live by those rules, and no one has to live by rules that you deem to be correct just because you say that they're correct. Those are your standards and your judgments. Nobody else has to live by your perceived rules about life.

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Exactly. Ex's exist. Pretending that they don't doesn't make them go away. And forbidding someone to see an ex will usually have the opposite effect then what was intended. Now, you have a significant other that will be dreaming about that special person from their past. It's almost like you've lit a little spark for that old connection by making it forbidden. As everyone knows, forbidden fruit is so often the sweetest.

 

You can't cage your SO like some kind of canary.

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No, you've missed the point. If you are telling your significant other that they can't speak with someone then you are being controlling, period. There is no way you can spin that action so that that's not the case. And saying "it's a general no, no"... By whose standards? Yours? Your families? Joe Blows? God's? Nonsense. No one has to live by those rules, and no one has to live by rules that you deem to be correct just because you say that they're correct. Those are your standards and your judgments. Nobody else has to live by your perceived rules about life.

 

I never said you should actually tell your SO that they cant have thier ex in their life. You cant tell anyone what to do, that is controlling, your right. You can however, express that you do not like it and that it is disrepectful, and if your SO continues to do something you find disrespectful then they do not respect you.

 

But it is a general NO NO to have an ex in your life while you in a relationship, that is just a undeniable fact! Of course there are exceptions, as with everything.

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I never said you should actually tell your SO that they cant have thier ex in their life. You cant tell anyone what to do, that is controlling, your right. You can however, express that you do not like it and that it is disrepectful, and if your SO continues to do something you find disrespectful then they do not respect you.

 

But it is a general NO NO to have an ex in your life while you in a relationship, that is just a undeniable fact! Of course there are exceptions, as with everything.

 

That's an undeniable fact? If it's undeniable, how am I here right now, completely denying it, and somehow I haven't vaporized or turned into a newt?

 

If you announce to your partner that you don't like some behavior of theirs, and it upsets you, and then they do it anyway then they do not respect you? Ok, so let's say your partner says "I hate it that you don't give me 500 bucks every time you see me." Do you then give them 500 bucks every time you see them? After all, by your own logic, if you didn't then you would be disrespecting them.

 

Don't you just hate logic!?

 

 

Relationships are about compromise. Just because someone in a relationship expects a certain behavior from another, it doesn't make it right or wrong. What's usually right is some kind of compromise. That means that, perhaps, you don't spend any alone time with the ex, but you're free to take a phonecall from them every once in awhile to say "what's up". That's what relationships are all about.

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It is a General undenialble fact. When i say general i mean i would probably be right to assume that a good 90 percent of the the worlds population would probably back up the statement i made. So that would put you in the 10 percent slot.

 

I mean come on, lets not kid ourselves. Lets not forgot what the OP was talking about. He has a few exes that he constantly keeps in contact with, 3 in fact! Are you trying to say that is ok when he has a girlfriend?

 

If that is ok with you then were just going to have to agree to disagree. If my girl was always texting, calling, having lunch...etc, just keeping them in her life in general, with her exes, she wouldnt be my gf for long. I dont care if it is just a whats up.

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It is a General undenialble fact. When i say general i mean i would probably be right to assume that a good 90 percent of the the worlds population would probably back up the statement i made. So that would put you in the 10 percent slot.

 

Do you know what a "fact" is? I think you're getting confused here. However, as soon as you've pointed me in the direction of the double-blind study where the entire population of earth participated, and it shows that 90% of people agree that "it's just wrong" that people be friends with their ex's, then I'll grant you this "undeniable fact" of yours. Until that day comes, however, I will continue to just completely disagree with you instead.

 

I mean come on, lets not kid ourselves. Lets not forgot what the OP was talking about. He has a few exes that he constantly keeps in contact with. Are you trying to say that is ok when he has a girlfriend?

 

Re-read everything he wrote. He says that he keeps in sporadic contact. "Constantly keeping in contact" is a pretty gross overstatement of what he affirmed here.

If that is ok with you then were just going to have to agree to disagree. If my girl was always texting, calling, having lunch...etc, just keeping them in her life in general, with her exes, she wouldnt be my gf for long. I dont care if it is just a whats up.

 

And as an adult that makes up his own mind, that's entirely your prerogative.

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Do you know what a "fact" is? I think you're getting confused here. However, as soon as you've pointed me in the direction of the double-blind study where the entire population of earth participated, and it shows that 90% of people agree that "it's just wrong" that people be friends with their ex's, then I'll grant you this "undeniable fact" of yours. Until that day comes, however, I will continue to just completely disagree with you instead.

 

 

 

Re-read everything he wrote. He says that he keeps in sporadic contact. "Constantly keeping in contact" is a pretty gross overstatement of what he affirmed here.

 

 

And as an adult that makes up his own mind, that's entirely your prerogative.

 

 

Well heres a fact for you!

 

9 people responded to this thread.

You are the only one having to defend yourself.

The rest of us 8 reasonable people seem to see this issue the same way.

 

So 88.8% of the responses in this thread are either against contacting the ex, or doesnt see the point of contacting an ex, or at least tries to see both sides of the issue.

 

You are the 11.2%.

Good luck

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