The ponders of my madness

[lawcorp]

The day came when I put my plan into action.

I had decided to make the jump, hit the ball, start the engine.

I finally met with her

In my dreams and my imagionations it was all so true.

We played together, me on the guitar, her beautiful voice.

I had thought it would be all so perfect.

I thought she liked me,

I thought I saw her looking at me when I was not,

I thought she might have felt what I felt.

But I was wrong.

I love her. Still do.

I dream about her daily, she has never left my thoughts.

Not in a perverted way, no, not never.

But I am addicted to her. addicted to her essense.

Everytime I see her, my heart soars.

Everytime I pass her, I would imagine her saying hello.

Everytime I looked into her eyes,

I would imagine she loved me, cared for me, but just diddint know how to say it.

Just like me.

Because that is how I feel.

I love her, yes I do.

You wouldint understand.

It's not like your average crush, or your average relationship.

It's something more. I try my best to explain it.

It's like I am impossibly drugged. Controlled. Addicted.

So much so by attraction. Not by sexual attraction, no,

But by love. my love for her.

Why doesint she feel this way for me?

How can my feelings be so alone?

I want a duet, not to be the lone rider!

I want her to feel this way for me.

could it be true?

could she feel equally pained and be able to hide it like I do?

Could it be possible? God only knows.

This makes me angry every time now... that I think about it.

I fail so miserably at letting others know my feelings.

I have never once in my life wished I could change the past,

because I know everything happens for a reason, I can learn from my mistakes.

If I could I would go back to when we met,

and let her know how much that I am interested in her.

I would not let this false mask of a character that she sees in me now-

be the face she sees tomorrow.

I would change the future. I would change our past.

Oh God please I sware God dont let her be a mistake!

she is to perfect, to perfect for me!

Maybe thats my mistake.

I aim to high.

peasents and gods were not ment to meet.

No.

This cannot be.

My feeling this way happens for a reason.

There is no such thing as chance. No such thing as luck.

No such thing as coincidence.

There is always a plan.

God, please have your plan be us.

Not me,

not her.

Us.

Wow, doesint that sound wonderful. Like a dreamworld.

I want it to be true.

I will make it be true.

Dont you dare doubt me,

I must try my best.

But I'm a coward!

Everytime I see her I get afraid!

I told her that, in my non chalant way of humble cowardice.

I dont think she got my meaning.

She just thinks me a fool.

...

So I met with her after Pulse.

Just like I had sought.

On the staircase, her and her friend.

I could see it in her eyes,

the look, its so hard to explain.

Like an animal who hates being pet,

but puts up with it, cause it knows it must.

But more complicated then that.

So I played, and they sung.

I heard her voice, everything should have happened like my dreams,

but not.

I played a few songs and she said she had to go.

I sudgested we do it again, but she said maybe, unlike last times "sure dude".

I drove home.

I dont know what to do.

Am I hurt?

Badly.

Why?

...

I dont know.

I did something wrong.

If this is the end,

Im sorry.

Alyssa im sorry.

[top bloke]

You are kidding right? That is one of the most amazing expression of romance I ahve ever seen. get off this computer right now and get some friggin flowers.Go see her... tell her what you wrote right here..if she turns you down flat then I will find it pretty unbelieveable!! Give it a try!! You have amazing expression for a young bloke...

[d24]

i'll admit the fragmented nature of this post was really hard to get through and i had to fight through it to realise its more of a thought train than anyhting else. it's a very nice post, and it can be heartbreaking feeling this way but being unable to express it. i hope you can get through it and think about asking her to hangout more. Thing is, not everything means something, but when you're in this frame of mind you try to interpret everything meaning something, good and bad.

i'm sure there's nothing you did wrong.