shygirl1212 Posted February 5, 2009 Posted February 5, 2009 So I've REALLY been thinking about and missing my ex badly for a while now. I know it's not healthy (we've been broken up for 8 months, and 8 months NC, we were together for 8 years) and I feel pathetic for not being able to get my life back together. I just had a bit of an argument with a "good" friend of mine - I HONESTLY don't know why but she got upset with me over something that is so immature and I feel like I am back in high school. I just realized how lonely I am, how sad I am. I blame myself for the demise of my relationship. I want to contact him so badly - even if we can't be together again - just to have him in my life, to talk to him, I need him as a friend badly and desperately. I'm so upset right now and I'm just crying because I don't know what to do.
parlae Posted February 5, 2009 Posted February 5, 2009 aww, i'm really sorry you feel so down, shygirl. i wish i could give you some advice or say something to make you feel better, but i just recently got dumped by a guy i was with for three years. it hasnt even been a month since it happened... so i know i'm in no place to be giving advice about this.
relm Posted February 5, 2009 Posted February 5, 2009 I am in a similar boat - but i still think the best thing to do is not to contact the x. The reason isn't to get revenge or anything, but it is really because you have so much emotion still tied in to him that the outcome won't be anything but bad. What was your friends fight over?? Also 8 years is a very very long relationship. it takes time to heal from things you are so invested in...you shouldn't be so hard on yourself...you'll find the right guy.
Gracelove Posted February 5, 2009 Posted February 5, 2009 Awww, don't be down on yourself. It's okay to grieve, and it's okay to miss someone you've had a relationship with. I totally know what you mean, life can be really lonely sometimes. I don't think you should contact your ex. I think now is a time when your imagination can come into play. Just day dream/ imagine the whole thing, you contacting him, etc. etc. this will help you deal with your emotions. Because you are probably contacting him in hopes of receiving some kind of validation. What if he doesn't give you that validation??? You'll feel worse? What if he's like, "I can't stand you.", "Why are you calling me?" etc. etc. etc.?? That will make you feel even worse. It's better to just let it go. It's perfectly okay to miss him, or feel like you're still in love with him....but I don't think it's a good idea to contact him. Hang in there, k. "This too shall pass". You won't feel this way forever. Just embrace your feelings, and know that it's okay for you to feel this way. *HUGS*
BrokenheartUK Posted February 5, 2009 Posted February 5, 2009 I'm in a really bad place today. Feeling so lonely, sad and desperate. I feel like I could cry at any moment and just want the thoughts to stop, if only for 5 minutes. I ended my relationship back in September. I have since realised I made a mistake and have been trying to get my ex back ever since as I love her with all my heart, but she doesn't want to know. I learned the other day she is seeing a new guy and is happy and it's torn my world apart. I know this is all my fault but it still doesn't stop the pain, the jealousy, the loneliness and the desperation. I have no passion for anything anymore and I just can't let her go.
shygirl1212 Posted February 7, 2009 Author Posted February 7, 2009 I wanted to thank you ALL for your kind support and encouraging words. It means A LOT to me to have your support. So thank you!
shygirl1212 Posted February 7, 2009 Author Posted February 7, 2009 Hey Kitty, Sorry I should have given a bit of background since it's been a while from the breakup and my "meltdown" thread is on page 457 or somewhere around there... We dated for 8 years (in those years we had some break-ups and many make-ups). We were madly in love (well at least I was madly in love with him). I did everything I could possibly do on earth for this man (now I see this was part of the problem). I helped him finish college, I helped him (and almost forced him to finally...) get a job, I helped him become independent. I was there for him whenever he needed me and he was there for me to. He did many things to make me happy and I have a lot of wonderful memories with him. Somewhere in our relationship things went REALLY bad...now I look back and I see that the signs were always there. While *I* ended the relationship (although I never wanted to) I ALWAYS felt and STILL feel like the DUMPEE not the DUMPER! Here are the main reasons that I broke it off: 1. His half-truths (i.e. just *ONE* EXAMPLE: early on in our relationship, he went to his ex-gf's new years party and lied to me about where he was going, in fact he called me from the party and again LIED...I let this one go or at least I thought I did) 2. Hiding the fact that he had girl "friends" (i.e. he would talk to girls online, on MSN, and go out of his way to hide it from me...once I discovered he was talking on MSN to an ex-fling and when I saw her name pop up on MSN I said..."why don't you message her to say hi" he grabbed the laptop and slammed it shut and wouldn't let me log back on...OBVIOUSLY he didn't want to talk to her in front of me) 3. Irresponsibility (wouldn't pay his rent on time, his bills on time, he went into collections - i helped him MANY times but I was also a full-time student, and struggling myself to get through). 4. It's the PRINCIPLE - he borrowed $$ from me a few times, always promised to pay me back but NEVER did and made me feel guilty about asking him back for payment. 5. GUYS' NIGHT OUT - in the 8 years that i dated him, he only allowed me to "hang out" with his friends once. I always wanted to meet them so I could introduce myself and say "HI" but he would NEVER let me even meet up for a drink when they went out) 6. It was ALWAYS my fault - HE blamed me for everything in our relationship, told me he was perfect and that I was the cause of all the problems...I believed him and still kind of do. 7. ONLINE SEXUAL PROFILE - During one of our "rocky" periods (we were still together and still intimate) he went on one of the popular online dating sites and created not only a DATING & RELATIONSHIP profile BUT also a SEXUAL profile (where he stated that his turn on was french kissing & safe sex...when I saw this I almost passed out). He was on the site for at least 4 months while we were still together in a relationship and working things out (or at least I thought we were). What REALLY bothered me was that during these 4 months when he was dating online, was the first time we had sex and it was my very first time...I only discovered he did online dating about 3 years after the fact...of course to me it didn't matter but he told me to "GET OVER IT" and that I had "PUSHED HIM TO DATE ONLINE" and that "IT WASN'T A BIG DEAL". He never once said "I'm sorry I hurt you." I also thought I had let this one go...but the trust was broken...it took me MANY years to finally realize it was done. sorry there's more...but i'm so upset right now i really hate myself
shygirl1212 Posted February 7, 2009 Author Posted February 7, 2009 Shygirl, have you felt like this the whole 8 months or just recently? Why do you blame yourself for what happened? Oh and just to answer the questions...sorry for my rambling about the "main" reasons why the relationship fell apart... In the beginning I was in denial and so it was much easier to deal with (well I guess I wasn't dealing with it)...now it's REALLY hard for me to wake up, to go to sleep etc. I blame myself...because I feel like I could have saved the relationship and been a better person.
shygirl1212 Posted February 7, 2009 Author Posted February 7, 2009 Kitty, thank you for your support, it really does help to hear someone say that it's okay for me to have ended the relationship...and reading your message has reaffirmed that I did make the right decision (I hope this feeling lasts)... thank you for your support!
ladybug726 Posted February 7, 2009 Posted February 7, 2009 You need to change your perspective on how you view the relationship... there was nothing you could have done to make the relationship work. A relationship with him simply would not have worked, no matter how perfect you could have been. I can relate to the feeling of being the dumper but feeling like the dumpee. That's how my break-up goes. And 8 years is a very long time, so be patient with yourself. You're still learning how to be single and happy with it. It's lonely sometimes... sometimes its lonely quite often, and it's hard to get used to dealing with life alone when you're used to having another person there to weather the storms. Someone to be there for you no matter what happens, to talk to daily and be your best friend, etc etc. Well... this is what life is like being single! It's not a bad thing, you just have to get used to it. You will be stronger in the end for it. It's often quiet. But it's peaceful, right? From the sounds of it your relationship probably gave you a lot of anxiety and made you miserable. Now there's nobody there to get your mind reeling and put you through hell. Enjoy it! Enjoy the boringness and peacefulness... Take it day by day. And no matter how lonely you feel, don't break NC. Nothing you could have done or been would ever have made that relationship work.
shygirl1212 Posted February 7, 2009 Author Posted February 7, 2009 thanks ladybug, and you're right it is very lonely BUT also peaceful in a way. I never thought about it like that before, but it's so true.
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