Am I expecting too much?

[Ginger12]

Hi, I'm new here and got a question.

Before I have to go in greater detail that you understand my question.

Since 4 1/2 years I am married with my husband. It's his second marriage. His first failed because it was unhappy and non sexual. During this marriage he had just 1 one night stand, if thats true.(That was not me, to avoid any misunderstandings)

When we met first he was still married but pretended to live in separation.Later I got it was not the whole truth, but at this time we were already married. I would have never interfered with an 'active' marriage.

Whatever, we felt in love, he divorced because of us, he left his parents and their business and we moved. He started with a job. It was the first time that he worked outside the family business (He was already 36). 1/2 years later we got married. Its important to say our sexual life worked perfectly. Just about 6 weeks after the wedding they hired a new coworker. He became obsessed by her, for the next 8 month. I don't think it was a sexual affair, I don't believe that she even got this - it was just him but it affected me and the relationship a lot because I got it. It was a process and came out little by little. Many many lies happened. If I wouldn't have figured it out he still would have been the most caring and tender husband. But I was hurt a lot, trust was gone, and needed to work it out. He just wanted to fix it quickly but he swore solemnly it would never happen again. He just would have self-esteem issues and this way he would feel great about himself....etc etc. To cut a long story short - I did not leave him but became cautious. My trust was in the basements. We moved again, he got another job.

Guess what happened? It happened again. Now he was driven by his manager. Not even an attractive woman and pretty old. I guess this time it was about power and control. But the outcome was the same. Beside others he said he could get her if he only would want to - and there was also evidence that she as a single woman was looking. Anyway, it looked like he is playing a game with the feelings of others, and women are just objects for him. At the other side he is an extremely nice man and everyone likes him.

This manager got fired but they maintained a mutual contact behind my back while I was out of town for some weeks.

Now I had enough. I went into separation because it was just an ongoing struggle. My expectations versus his denial. He was lying and denying all the years, and he only confessed under force, and only that what I figured out.

I think he just wants the comfort allover the place. I can see he needs to chase women. His targets are lonely vulnerable women. He is shy, not very confident, and this way he is boosting himself. I am pretty confident, straight and 100% honest. I despise sneaky lies and can always deal better with the truth. Maybe thats why he looks for vulnerable women?

 

Now he calls me 20 times the day with no exception, since 5 month. He misses and loves me, he apologizes that he was 'infatuated with 2 women' (his words) - but thats it. He informs me about each step he is doing but if its about the past events he shuts down and keeps saying he loves me like a prayer wheel.

His words are not doing it anymore. I am expecting straight deeds. I cannot settle for less than I want because trust needs to be rebuilded. So, I raised the bar very high.

I did this because of the love I still feel for him. It won't work without it.

Because of his long and lonely life with his parents (dominating father, cold mother) he is not really socialized. He developed addictions and compulsions (MB), his first choice is the lie. He is a minimzer if the truth is out.

I also know he is extremely afraid to lose his good image, that somebody could "think bad" about him.

Many things that came with the package I saw already before but was willing to take. But not all that what came out later.

So, now comes my question:

Beside a full self-disclosure I need his apology in front of this ex manager. The way she reacts will show me if there was more than he confessed. But more importantly it will be very uncomfortable and embarrassing for him and afterwards she won't like him anymore. I need him to take that to finally give up on some opportunities and options, to act one time in his life straight, honest and responsible. (I won't be very comfortable for me either but this time I am willing to take it).

Do you think thats too much I expect? Any suggestions how I can prepare this situation?

Thanks for reading this novel

[scorpio47]

So, now comes my question:

Beside a full self-disclosure I need his apology in front of this ex manager. The way she reacts will show me if there was more than he confessed. But more importantly it will be very uncomfortable and embarrassing for him and afterwards she won't like him anymore. I need him to take that to finally give up on some opportunities and options, to act one time in his life straight, honest and responsible. (I won't be very comfortable for me either but this time I am willing to take it).

Do you think thats too much I expect? Any suggestions how I can prepare this situation?

Thanks for reading this novel

 

Hello & welcome. Full disclosure is okay, but be prepared for what you'll hear. I don't think that doing the whole apology in front of his manager will really make a difference on how she feels about him, but that's just a guess.

 

It seems to me that this man is a serial cheater, having done it on his ex-wife (with you) and then two MORE women while with you. I think you're setting yourself up for more heartbreak in the future, but that's just my opinion. Serial cheaters rarely give up their ways - they just get better at hiding things.

 

Just my $0.02 - best of luck to you whatever you choose...

[Ginger12]

Its not so much about to make her feel different about him. I don't even think she got feelings for him. When I put down that she is a single looking woman then to complete the picture. I think it was more of a one sided mind affair. I guess, actually I need him to 'out himself' like a drinker is telling others he stopped drinking to make it harder for himself to fall back - like a self prevention. You might ask why all this effort? I just still believe deep down inside he is a very desperate man who goes through a late maturity process. Unfortunatley I witnessed it. I just love him and hoped there was still a way to rescue this realtionship. I also know I won't settle for less. Thats why I'm gone. I know, its pretty confusing, sorry.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I doubt if you would get full disclosure..this guy is a habitual liar and a serial cheater. I think your best bet is to get far far away from him. Yes, he has issues, but let's not blame the parents...he made conscious choices to behave in this manner...lots of people come from dysfunctional homes and don't cheat and lie. If you want to remain with him then expect that his cheating and lying will be something you will have to accept as part of who he is...he won't change.

[HeartGoesOn]

Past behaviour is the best predictor of future behaviour.......