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Insecurity and confidence


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Trawling through these threads instead of doing something useful, I've noticed that a lot of people take the line that 'having confidence' and 'not being insecure' are all important traits in a partner and that, particularly women, won't even consider someone (a man) unless they are 'confident'.

 

Currently, here in the UK, there is an campaign to raise awareness about mental health. Apparently 1 in 4 people suffer from some form of mental health issue - that's more people than have dandruff.

 

In a world that asks us to be so perfect or face the consequences of never having a partner, how to people cope with the opposite sex being so very demanding? Are there people on here that feel they need to hide their true selves to get a date? Do we feel this is right? What ever happened to human compassion and taking people as they are, faults and all?

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I had depression from a very young age and the only people it affected were my close friends (who had to deal with my moods, and how much of a flake i was, how much emotional support i needed from them in order to feel good about myself, etc) and my family.

When I met my current SO he was also dealing with a lot of emotional issues as well and I believe this is what made our bond so strong. We built such a solid support system for eachother and after six months or so of being together we were both much, much happier people. We helped eachother out, and I honestly believe he is a lifesaver, I am very glad to have him - I felt comfortable around him and didn't need to hide a thing.

Everyone has certain pet peeves when it comes to the opposite sex (or favoured sex) and I believe when you meet someone new you generally tend to take them for face value, from what you see and your first impressions - so if someone isn't confident, or is unhappy, you'll pick up that vibe straight away. Whether or not that's attractive to you is a different matter.

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I was going to start a thread on this at some point, but I couldn't think of the right words. I'm glad you've done this. I too constantly see people stating that "confidence" is the most important feature of a person and if they don't have it, then it's an automatic deal breaker. Interestingly enough, a lot of the time these are the same people that call people who think looks or intelligence are more important shallow! It's like confidence is the be all and end all.

 

Of course, I wouldn't want to date someone who sat in the corner and couldn't look me in the eye, but I don't want a show pony either. I actually like shy people (both male and female) and I find that they compliment my personality better than those who are outgoing. I understand that people have insecurities and they get caught up on them and think that's fine. Bashing people for having insecurities is just another form of shallowness, in my opinion.

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I think when people say that "confidence" is essential in a partner, what they are really looking for is someone who is comfortable in themselves.

 

A few years ago I was single (for a loooong time), lonely and lacking in confidence. I may have been depressed (not sure) but in general I just didn't believe in myself. I was also quite hung up on the idea of getting a girlfriend.

 

Anyways I started to work on some of my negative thoughts and tried to view things positively. For example, if I met up with someone for coffee and sometimes the conversation was awkward, instead of chastising myself for being awkward I would remember that "hey that person wanted to spend time with you, that's great". Changing those thought processes really helped.

 

During this period I also kinda forgot about chasing girls etc. I focussed on improving myself and my confidence naturally came with this. I've read that people who are attractive are those who are comfortable with being single. If you don't like yourself, how can you expect someone else to like you?

 

Now I have a great network of friends and a wonderful partner. I only wish I could have spoken to myself of a few years ago to give some encouraging insights!

 

I don't know if that was all a rambling mess, but hope some of that made sense...

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When people say "confident" and "without insecurities", they really mean without insecurities that make dating them taxing. No one likes a complainer. And, as a guy, I am sure you can agree that girls that say "I'm so fat" are often seen as fishing for compliments and painful to be around. (I am not talking about people with actual eating disorders, you know the type).

 

Also, people don't want jealous people who don't trust them due to personal issues with jealousy.

 

EVERYONE has insecurities.

 

However, most people can keep them in check, share them with their partner after a certain time in the relationship, and for their insecurity to not affect the relationship in a detracting way.

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