Best way to approach this

[renaissancewoman101]

I know most people would disagree with this, but I would like to know a good way to approach re-establishing contact/friendship, etc. It's like sometimes, when things end, even friendships, it becomes kinda awkward if there is an interest from one person to maybe see how the other one is doing. And no, our friendship didn't end in a hail of anger, emotion. Just one person couldn't handle the friendship anymore and let me know, and I let it at that.

 

A few years back, I somewhat dated someone for a few months. It was an interesting relationship. It fizzled out, probably due to some issues on my end, but we kept the friendship. Friendship was rocky and probably a bit frustrating for my friend. I know I was not someone easy to be friends with. I had some serious medical issues that I struggled with last year and ended up somewhat "depending" on my friend a bit too much.

 

At the end, I think my friend gave up in frustration with our friendship and told me via email, that he couldn't handle it anymore that it was depressing him, and he wanted out. After his email, I let him alone (and it's been almost 8 months since then).

 

A lot has gone on in my life, mostly good. I've gotten involved with new hobbies, made A LOT more friends (now I have a social life that is really hopping), and just all in all, am a bit happier with things. I don't have a bf right now, but I do have guys I am interested in, so that's a good thing.

 

I kinda want to see how my friend is doing, but just don't know how. I do have his email and phone number.

 

If you were me, how would you approach this delicate task?

 

I really hate bad feelings on either side.

[tangi39]

If he hasn't contacted you after that email, why do you want to contact him ?

 

It appears as though you've moved on and gotten back on track (Congrats by the way)- Are you sure a friendship with this man is something you really want or need ?

 

And if so, what will you do if you contact him and he doesn't want to restart the friendship ? I just worry that this (possibility) might do more harm for you than good.

[renaissancewoman101]

Tangi39, he sent me that email ending our friendship because he was frustrated with it and said I depressed him. Part of me wants him to know that I've improved my life a lot since then and if there was a possibility of another try at a friendship, that I would NOT be so clingy.

 

I'm too afraid to try to get in touch with him. I've thought about it a few times in the last few months, but never dwelled on it and was too afraid to try to reach out.

 

I can be a wuss about stuff too.

 

And I've been very busy, which helps me a lot.

 

I would like to have a friendship with him because, overall, he was a positive influence on me and he was a good friend to me, even though I probably taxed his patience tremendously. He never did anything wrong and I don't blame him for ending whatever happened between us, including our friendship.

 

The possibility of him NOT wanting to have a friendship with me or ignoring me, is also why I am afraid to contact him.

 

I would like to know, if you were in my shoes, how many months should you let pass before things become "water under the bridge" and forgivable (not saying I did anything to seriously offend him).

[gidget1]

I lost a friend about a year and a half ago after I turned him down as he was making moves on me, told me he was interested, etc. but I told him I simply couldn't be unfaithful to my partner.

He was my best friend for two solid years & was one of the best people I've ever known, and when he suddenly cut contact from me (selfish on his behalf, he couldn't have me the way he wanted so he ditched me entirely) I was really really gutted. I still miss him to this day!

However, because we were so close I thought I'd get back in contact with him because it was pretty easy for me to send him a text and say "hey, how's it all going?"

So I did that, and he reciprocated, we hung out once and he asked me if I was still with my SO. I said I was, but I was merely interested in having him in my life again because he made such an impact on me.

He never called or replied to my texts after that.

It showed he was only getting close to me all along because he wanted to be with me, and not just be my friend.

But I believe if you miss this friend & want to be in their life again, and you were once close - you can totally call or e-mail. The worst that can happen is that he will say he still isn't sure about a friendship - and if you can handle that answer, then do it. At least you will know for sure and won't always wonder! We only live once.

[JadedStar]

Well what about his situation? Is he also single? I know you are not saying you want to date him again, but if he is in a relationship, and he already ended the friendship, it is most respectful to his life now to not send that email and let that one lie.

 

Sometimes friendships end. It doesn't mean that you never cared for them or they never cared for you, but people DO take different directions in life sometimes and some people have a very difficult time ending any friendship they ever had. I know someone who has a hard time even not still catching up with high school friends all the time and he is in his 40s (I can tell it frustrates the people he refuses to lose contact with). Some people we retain for way longer than others...

 

I know that sounds like we are letting people go...but we are really not if we know how to love and care for people from afar. Every friend i used to have that I don't still contact anymore regularly I still think fondly of and they were a big part of my life at one time.

 

There is something circulating the internet that says something to the affect of "if someone isn't in your life anymore, there is usually a reason why"....

 

I think that makes perfect sense. But that doesn't mean we hate them or don't care for them anymore.

 

If you are doing better and feel healthier you will attract people to you that represent the 'new you'. I wouldn't necessarily go looking this person up. Since they ended it the ball is really in their court to be the one to reach back out.

 

This is only my opinion, of course.

[JeckyllNHyde]

I think you should just send an email saying hi. Keep it light and fun.

This isn't someone you want to persue a friendship with again IMO. JUst keep him as an aquaintance, (someone to pass the time with) less of a friend you lean on.

[tangi39]

It's hard to say.

In my honest opinion,

I think it doesn't look so good after 8 months, unless he contacts you, I'm not sure how interested he is in starting a friendship up again.

I understand the urge to want to show him the new you. I just think maybe if he was still interested in that possiblity, he might have checked up on you by now. (Maybe given you a call after 2, 4, 6 months- in my mind that's more than enough to time to forgive and let something be "water under the bridge")

 

Okay, he was a good friend. I get that. But you also said you have a lot more friends now. Is there something especially you need from him that you feel you cannot get from your other friends ? Close friends usually do experience difficult times together. IMHO, if a person cannot forgive you then perhaps we weren't as close of friends as you thought.

 

I know depression rather well (My husband has suffered from it) and I know how it can take its toll. But the people who are committed to you will stick by you. True friends are by each other's side during unpleasant times, not just during the good. And you shouldn't have to make excuses for the person who doesn't chose to stand by you. I mean, if he lost a parent and got depressed- Would he expect you to bail because he was a "downer" ? Then make him apologize for being a human with feelings beyond his control ?

True friends are friends with you ALL the time, not just during the fun and convenient ones.

 

I applaud you for having the courage and strength to move forward. I know how difficult overcoming depression can be. But are you sure it's in your best interest to welcome him back in your life after he's not spoken to you in almost a year ?

IMVHO,

If he hasn't gotten past this in this amount of time, he's either not going to or really not that interested in resuming a friendship with you, regardless of the cirumstances.

 

You've done so well for yourself, Ren. I'd hate to see you go back to square one over this guy if he were to not call you back or give you a negative response. If I were you, I'd leave the ball in his court. And honestly, if someone wasn't that concerned about me(to not be in touch with you for almost a year, check on you, worry about you, ask about you, etc.) I wouldn't be that concerned about them.

[renaissancewoman101]

That's true, we only live once, and that is one of the BIGGER reasons why I want to throw caution to the wind and extend an "olive branch" out.

 

But I'm a wuss too.

[tangi39]

That's true, we only live once, and that is one of the BIGGER reasons why I want to throw caution to the wind and extend an "olive branch" out.

 

But I'm a wuss too.

 

But I think he's the one that needs to extend it. He's the one that chose to walk away.

[renaissancewoman101]

He was in a relationship when we were friends and she knew about the friendship and was ok with it. I don't know if he is still in that relationship.

 

Yes, I do suppose it is in his court to reach back out to me, if he wants a friendship with me. I do feel bad about why the friendship ended, esp since it probably ended because he got frustrated and depressed with me for depending on him emotionally SOOO much (esp since I was going through some medical issues at that time), and our friendship had warped into some weird thing where I was venting at him a lot and probably dragging him down emotionally. Yes, I am being honest about this. It probably IS my fault why our friendship ended. He tried his best and I, of course, ruined it.

 

I have attracted more people into my life and now have a group of friends I hang out with on a consistent basis (to play WoW or fence or stuff of that nature). I still have my best friend and his bf and we hang out, but not as much, since I am busy a lot of weekends now.

 

I am happier. This is just some unfinished business that I feel upset about and feel as though I am missing out on. Hard to explain.

 

I am NOT like this with ALL my friendships. I have let friendships go and moved on, even though the friend might have wanted to stay in touch.

 

My last long term ex, he wanted to remain friends and we are still "friends", but since he lives back where I used to live, we only keep in sporadic e-mail contact.

[renaissancewoman101]

Tangi, I guess I want to re-establish contact with him, maybe because I "dated" him sometime in the past and he understands me better than my current friends. With my current friends, I'm less personal with them, and more "we share in the same hobbies" type friendship. It's hard to find someone who can understand me and maybe "tolerate" me and my foibles and oddities.

 

I also have a hard time opening up to people, and when I do, I tend to bare my soul.

 

BTW, we did have a "break" in our friendship before and that break lasted about 2-3 months, and I was the one who extended the "olive branch" out (as in made first contact), and he responded. So, he is the type who would wait for the other party to make the first move, I would believe.

 

Also, there is so much around the city that reminds me of him. Hard to explain. Sometimes just seeing something innocuous as a sunset somewhere, or a park, makes me think of him.

[gidget1]

That's true, we only live once, and that is one of the BIGGER reasons why I want to throw caution to the wind and extend an "olive branch" out.

 

But I'm a wuss too.

 

Send him an e-mail

"Hey so-and-so,

I know it's been awhile, I thought about you the other day and was wondering what you've been up to. How are things going?

 

From xxxx."

 

It's as simple as that. Write something short and sweet, simply asking him how he is so he has reason to reply, and hit the send button before you even think twice about it.

[renaissancewoman101]

Send him an e-mail

"Hey so-and-so,

I know it's been awhile, I thought about you the other day and was wondering what you've been up to. How are things going?

 

From xxxx."

 

It's as simple as that. Write something short and sweet, simply asking him how he is so he has reason to reply, and hit the send button before you even think twice about it.

 

You're right, it's really that simple. Just send him an email.

 

Thing is, if he doesn't reply, I think I would be hurt. Fear of this is why I'm afraid to make that move.

 

But, if I don't, I can't complain that he's the one that won't ever be friends with me again.

 

I dunno.

 

Maybe it's not the right time yet.

 

I wish I could just run into him by chance. Maybe fate would be so kind.

But knowing me, I'd probably run and hide, or be shell-shocked and not know what to say.

 

As I once said, I'm a wuss when it comes to stuff like this.

[JadedStar]

If you don't feel you can handle the hurt of no reply, I wouldn't send it. If it is truly only the extending of an olive branch and you are not looking for a deep meaningful relationship, and only want to clear the waters, it shouldn't hurt you too deeply if he doesn't reply. Sure a tad bit of rejection, but if you feel you will be that devastated over no reply i wouldn't send it. That tells me you want more out of this then maybe you are admitting.

[renaissancewoman101]

JS, my problem is I take almost all types of rejection, "close to heart". Even if people ignore me at work, it bugs me.

 

Honestly, I know I don't want to ever be involved with him again. Friendship, on the other hand, would not be distasteful, since he is a wonderful, caring, and warm person. I do not fault him for breaking our friendship, not one bit.

 

Maybe I will hold off on attempting contact. Maybe nothing is better than being hurt.

[bulletproof]

Tangi39, he sent me that email ending our friendship because he was frustrated with it and said I depressed him. Part of me wants him to know that I've improved my life a lot since then and if there was a possibility of another try at a friendship, that I would NOT be so clingy.

 

I think this part is very telling. I think you want to show him you've changed, and I'm not sure that is a good motivator for getting back in touch. I think that you are worried about him being left with a less than positive impression of you and this bothers you very much.

 

I say let it lie for now. It doesn't seem like you're ready yet, judging by your slight fear of a negative reply or no reply.

[renaissancewoman101]

I think this part is very telling. I think you want to show him you've changed, and I'm not sure that is a good motivator for getting back in touch. I think that you are worried about him being left with a less than positive impression of you and this bothers you very much.

 

I say let it lie for now. It doesn't seem like you're ready yet, judging by your slight fear of a negative reply or no reply.

 

Yes, I would like him to know that I've changed (not that he'd probably care though), but because I hate it for people to have a negative impression of me. That always bugs me, whether it be my friends or people at work, or such. I worry about people's impression of me.

 

I'm going to leave this alone for now. Just how long, I'm not sure. I do think about this matter every so often.

 

Sometimes I wonder how he is doing. Don't know why I do that though.

[tangi39]

Ren,

 

I think it is in your best interest just to let it be for now.

I think when you reach that point of confidence where it won't matter what his response is, if any, that might be the time to try to contact him.

But IMHO, you don't sound ready to deal with a possibly negative response.

 

I personally have never subscribed to the idea of keeping people in your life that have broken contact. Sometimes people come into our lives when they are supposed to and leave when they are supposed to. Not every friendship has to be a lifelong one to be meaningful. Sometimes it is hard to let go, but sometimes it's the idea of someone we hold onto more than the actual person.

 

I think you should keep working on yourself and you confidence, Ren. And recognize that people will like you as you are and because they want to, not because they "tolerate" you.

 

When you get to the point where you feel like you don't need a person in your life is exactly the time when they should be.

Then you can deal with any possible response, and walk away unscathed.

[renaissancewoman101]

I'm going to leave it alone for now.

 

But I do miss him somewhat. He always had a very positive influence in my life and I feel that it was stuff that I did, that put the final nail in the "coffin" of our friendship.

 

Sometimes I do hope, down the road, he would not have animosity towards me.

 

For those of you who have been in my shoes, have you ever waited a long while (like a year or so) before reaching out to an old friend and attempt to make amends, mainly because you missed the friendship.

 

People do forgive eventually, do they not??? Especially if it was not like I betrayed him or backstabbed him.