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This is a long read, but please bear with me. I have a lot to get off my chest.

 

My ex and I decided to break up about a month ago. We had been fighting way too much and things were getting too stressful. The break-up was peaceful and I surprised myself by keeping my cool the entire time (I'm normally very emotional). Yet not even two days later we hang out and start kissing and hugging, very obviously both missing each other. We've acted like we're in a relationship since, calling it a "break" instead of "break-up", and holding onto the hope that we might still get back together.

 

However, I'm having a lot of trouble dealing with everything. Whereas I am still really emotionally attached and in love with him, he seems to have grown distant and fallen out of love. We used to think we'd go to college together, but he ended up telling me the other day that even if we did get back together, he wanted to "start over" in college.

 

I can't be happy being with him but knowing that he's already picked out a timeframe that he wants to call it off. He tells me he loves me but I don't understand how you can love someone but not want to be with them. Whenever I see him hanging out with other people or talking to other girls, I start feeling horrible and insecure. I tell myself he's found better friends who are cooler than I am and more fun to be with. If he talks to other girls I think about how much prettier they are than I am.

 

Sometimes I don't even understand why I'd want to be back with him. He's very selfish and insensitive. He always cared more about himself than he did about me, and he always said cruel hurtful things that I know I didn't deserve. He'll "joke" with me by saying all kinds of insults, and if I get upset, he'll get mad at me for not being able to take a joke. Yet sometimes I'll go with the flow and joke right back and HE gets upset. He stopped caring about my pleasure when we'd have sex. Sometimes he would even get angry at me if I were having a bad day.

 

We got in a huge fight the other day. He wanted to go to the mall and I was driving, but on the way he started talking about how he didn't want to continue anything in college. I got upset by this and decided that I didn't want to go to the mall if I were going to be in a bad mood, because that would only create more drama. So I said I would drop him off at home, since it was on the way. He FLIPPED OUT at me, started screaming and swearing, hitting my dashboard, etc. He said he never wanted to see me again, wanted me out of his life, that I would never find anyone who could tolerate my "clingy-ass" attitude. I stayed calm the whole time, mostly because I was shocked. I told him he had some attitude problems of his own that people wouldn't be able to tolerate either. He said that didn't matter because there wasn't anyone else as bad as me. I slapped him (which I know I shouldn't have, so please don't tell me this) and he replied by hitting me twice in the arm. Then he broke down and started apologizing. Like an idiot, I forgave him.

 

I know I deserve better than this, but I'm so afraid of being alone. I've been holding onto the hope for so long that things will get better. I don't even know if I love him anymore. I think I love who he used to be, but he changed from a sweet, affectionate, insecure but great guy into a self-centered, arrogant, insensitive person. I'm just so used to having him in my life that I don't know how to deal with this. I got used to his parents, his house, his habits and quirks, his interests, everything about him, and all for nothing. I don't know how to let it go As much as I tell myself I don't want him anymore, I get heartbroken at the thought of him with other friends, with other girls, being happy without me. I wish so badly that he would go back to how he used to be, and we could be happy together, but I know that won't happen.

 

I can't go no-contact because he's in 2 of my classes at school, and goes off with my friends and I most days during lunch. I want to keep him there as a friend but sometimes his insensitivity really makes me feel like he can't be a good friend to me anymore. But this stress has been in my life for too long, and recently, it's really started to take a toll on me and my health. I can't keep doing this, but I don't know what to do now. Any help would be really appreciated

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Yes, you do deserve much better than this, and I agree, you're in love with who he was when you guys were in your honeymoon phase...but who ISN'T charming in the honeymoon phase? It's obviously not the real him. This relationship has a very real danger of becoming physically abusive. I don't think friends is an option, at least not right now. It's never a good idea to be friends when one side is hostile. Ultimately, you know what you need to do, you've said it yourself. The cold, hard, brutal truth is there is no magic "how to", you just have to let him go. You can't go NC, but keep contact to a minimum. Be civil, but move on with your life. You can do it. You have a LOT of life ahead of you. Right now school seems like the world, but so much more will open up to you when you go to college, and even more so after you graduate from college. Get out there and live!

 

Good luck to you!

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Thank you scorpio47, your post makes a lot of sense.

 

I have a feeling this will be difficult, but I do know I can make it through it and things will get better. Of course it's hard not to wish things could be how they used to. But he started showing his true colors a long time ago and I just wanted to turn a blind eye and pretend everything was ok.

 

My friend told me that she's still friends with two of her exes, but she went through a long period of little contact first - I'm thinking that's what I need. To get over this emotional hurdle and move on to better things before I keep worrying about him. It's really hard when I'll inevitably see him every day until the end of the school year, though. When I'm alone I know what I need to do, but when I see him my resolve just really breaks down and I start to miss him again.

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Thanks. I talked to him today one-on-one. I told him I didn't want to get into a relationship that he already knew he wanted to end, because I didn't feel it was fair to me to put me through that kind of heartache. I told him that if he loved me unconditionally he wouldn't feel the need to decide a time in which he'd end things with me.

 

He replied by saying that when he said he wanted to "start over" in college, he meant that he wanted a clean slate for himself. He's had depression and problems with insecurity, and he wanted a chance to better himself. He said that he didn't mean to sound so final with what he said, and that if we end up going to the same college, who knows what happens? He also said that I was the best thing that ever happened to him and that he loves me.

 

Part of me wants to believe that's true, but I'm still having trouble. He started pushing for sex soon afterwards, which I don't know if it was some ulterior motive or just him not even realizing his own insensitivity. I'm still very confused and distressed. When I'm away from him it's so easy to realize all the ways he's wronged me and how I can do better, but when I'm with him, he can be so sweet, and I have trouble letting go. I don't know what to do

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It's easy...VERY easy to say that you don't know what to do, but really you do. I've been in the exact same position, saying the exact same thing. You'll just have to stick to your guns, and be as strong as you can. Unfortunately, there's no easy way to do it

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