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Not divorcing because you've got kids...


girl68

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So being a child from a broken family I'd like to speak out as the child of a divorice.

 

First I'd like to say I'd never seen my parents actaully happily married. They were married for about 20 years, had 4 children and I'm the middle child, only daugther.

 

From what I saw, and from what I know now I strongly believe parents who are staying together (or picking a mate) only for their children are actaully doing more harm than good. We kids, can see much of what you think you're hiding from us. We know that you (mom and dad) are unhappy, we know you're staying around because of us. We know you're fighting. You usually think you can hide this stuff from us but we can pick up on this quite well in fact.

 

Parents: if you're unhappy with your spouse and have tried, unsucessfully as it may be to work and fix your marriage and it comes time to stay or leave, leave. That doesn't mean leave the continent, it means leave, get your life in order and continue to parent still as one unit but not married. I believe this way you are happier and can provide better parenting when you're not bitter with in your marriage.

 

As a grown woman now, I realize that relationships come first, children second. That doesn't mean I love my husband more than the next wife, nor does it mean I love my children less than the next mother it just means to be the best parent you can be you have to be happy with yourself, and your partner first.

 

Lastly, as I child I remember thinking gosh I wish my parents would get back together but honestly as I look back now I know that they were doing nothing but poisening my future idea of relationships.

 

Thoughts?

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The research has shown that what raises healthy and happy kids is not whether the parents are married or divorced or not, or whether they live together or not, but whether the parents create a loving and safe environment for their children and don't fight and give the kids a negative role model for how a relationship should be.

 

So if the parents divorce and are civil to each other in front of the kids and get their act together and create happy homes for the kids, they are better off with divorce than parents who stay together and don't get along.

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I agree 100%. Kids aren't as oblivious as a lot of parents think. By staying together "for the kids", parents really give kids an inaccurate picture of what marriage should be. Yes, divorce is hard on kids, but do you really want your kids growing up thinking marriage is a loveless concept? Kids notice the tiny little interactions like holding hands, kissing, and just general happiness. Not seeing that can be very damaging.

 

Most people I know that have come from divorced parents turned out just fine. I have issues with my dad but it has absolutely nothing to do with the fact that my parents divorced.

 

I am SO glad my parents decided to split because they would be miserable together. At the end of the day, even though at the time they split when I was 6 and didn't understand, all I really want for my parents is for them to be happy.

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I agree & I disagree..I guess if that's possible? My parents been married for 34yrs yesterday..actually. Anyway - growing up they fought many many times, I seen/heard things I wish I didn't. I cried myself to sleep many times. It was hard on me, but looking back now - they really really fought hard to stay together & made it work, I dont know if it was because of the "children" or because they really LOVED each other "that" much. Now I NEVER hear them fight, bicker, argue...nothing. They are the happiest two people - regardless of all the crap they went thru & I dont feel damaged or feel like I had an unhappy childhood.

 

 

I dont believe parents should stay just for the children but I dont think they should end it just because of the children either (unless of course there is abuse involved). Because in the long run - the children will move out & start their own lives. I hope Im making sense....lol

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Parents should try everything to stay together and CREATE a happy marriage. If both can agree to use love as a verb, not a noun, and act lovingly towards each other, children will see true love, not a romantic fairytale. Through loving actions, love truly develops. That being said, I divorced because of drugs and abuse. You can't stay for some things. My parents had a rough marriage. They fought, he drank. They stayed together and MADE it work. Do I wish they had divorced? Sometimes. But I have seen how friends of mine whose parents divorced turned out and I'm kind of glad mine stayed together. It's an argument that has no "correct" answer.

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What you are describing here is just "tough times". As most people probably know there are ups and downs in marriages I know that. But when a marriage has turned sour and one or both parties don't want to fix it anymore that is when a separation needs to happen. Fights are normal, but I'm talking when push comes to shove so to speak.

 

But I get what you're saying. You make sense...

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I have to agree as well, but I can see where AC is coming from too. In marriage, or any relationship for that matter, there will be disagreements & fighting, but ultimately it comes down to that fighting or those disagreements being healthy. If there's throwing things, threats of harm or leaving, etc, then that's not healthy & that can damage the kids just as much as divorce can, if not more.

 

Sometimes divorce is in the best interest for the children, to show them that you don't have to be unhappy just to make someone else happy.

 

Kids can sense tension & sadness no matter how much you try to hide it. They're not dumb or as naïve as people think they are.

 

I have a very unhealthy view of relationships now b/c of what I saw as a child. My parents divorced when I was a baby, thank god, but my mom had a string of abusive relationships that have affected me a great deal as an adult.

 

Anyway, those are my scattered thoughts. Hope some of it made sense.

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I agree with the OP. At a very young age I was very cognizant of my parents constant arguing...in reality my father tried to make things right but he could never win...I used to wish my parents got divorced...still do at times. It's funny people argue with me about how great marriage is and I tell you what growing up in that environment sure has changed my views. They will say, well your parents have been together for 36 years...why don't you think it works? It didn't work because they aren't happy. I look at my father and realize the toll its taken on him as a person. In any case I think be strong be happy has the right idea. Children are better off with parents that are divorced that interact well together and with the children than parents that stay together for the childrens sake. I suppose my brother and I have been out of the house now for 17-18 years so who knows why they stay together now...fear of change????

 

Sorry for the rant...either way I agree.

 

I should add that with respect to us as children my parents did the best they could. I look back and realize they really did give a lot, but the constant fighting and walking on eggshells in the house was too much. There probably are some issues there that carry over to my adult relationships that are founded in watching them interact or at least some of my fears.

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I know my case may be out of the ordinary, but my friends who had divorced parents often had committment issues. They find it hard to be faithful, though many have been married, several times. Those of us whose parents stayed in a not-so-healthy marriage do not have committment fears, we commit readily, but marriage itself bothers us. In other words, I am faithful, I am a one-man-woman, I mate for the long-term, without hesitation. But, I don't like the idea of marriage. Funny, huh?

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What you are describing here is just "tough times". As most people probably know there are ups and downs in marriages I know that. But when a marriage has turned sour and one or both parties don't want to fix it anymore that is when a separation needs to happen. Fights are normal, but I'm talking when push comes to shove so to speak.

 

But I get what you're saying. You make sense...

 

Yup they had 'tough times' I would say for 15yrs if not more but made it though, some would not try to save the marriage & I know if I was in my mom shoes & the crap she dealt with - I would have left.

 

Even though I seen bad things during their marriage & for most of my childhood, I dont blame them for sticking it out & I learned that no relationship is perfect & you shouldnt give up easily. Of course, abuse & cheating is still a deal breaker for me & always will be.

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I'm so happy for you - not that you had to go through that as a child, but definitely that you came out on top of it!!! I agree with you too, its ridiculous to stay together just for the kids (it does them no good) and you know that first hand .... I'm so happy for you!

 

I've also had to learn this lesson. And I don't have any kids yet, but I've already decided that when I do, my relationship with my husband will still be the most important to nuture - and from that, the children will be able to grow up in a stable loving environment... being able to know for sure that Mommy loves Daddy and vice versa.

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Yup they had 'tough times' I would say for 15yrs if not more but made it though, some would not try to save the marriage & I know if I was in my mom shoes & the crap she dealt with - I would have left.

 

Even though I seen bad things during their marriage & for most of my childhood, I dont blame them for sticking it out & I learned that no relationship is perfect & you shouldnt give up easily. Of course, abuse & cheating is still a deal breaker for me & always will be.

 

I agree with this also

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I don't have any kids yet, but I've already decided that when I do, my relationship with my husband will still be the most important to nuture - and from that, the children will be able to grow up in a stable loving environment... being able to know for sure that Mommy loves Daddy and vice versa.

 

I love that I'm not the only one who believes in this! I once saw this woman on Opera talking about how she loves her husband more than she loves her children. I completely saw the rationale with her. There were many women in the audience who flamed her for not putting her children before everything in the world. Her argument is not that she doesn't love her children nor that she woulndn't do anything for them only that her relationship with her husband was first, why should she neglect him and or that relationship over her children? She believes she shouldn't. She was the most memorable guest I'd ever seen on a TV show.

 

And while I also don't have kids, I don't have a husband either but I really do believe that this ideology is the same as find happiness within yourself first (with respect to relationships). I believe that find happiness in your relationship before you attempting to raise children.

 

I'm happy you also learnt the same lesson, as hard as it was it was a valuable lesson.

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I think the reason she got so flamed on Opra (no idea how to spell that)lol was because for most married women, the moment they give birth they tend to "forget" about their husband and his needs....

 

You already can't have sex (just given birth) for about 6 weeks, but I've heard of women holding out longer just because they're tired... don't feel sexy enough, post pardom depression etc.... or they actually just "don't want sex anymore"... leaving the husband confounded and very upset!

 

But it kind of starts a cycle (and a lot of men already know and dread it) where they watch their place in their wife's eyes fall from the "love of their life" to watching their little son or daughter become "the love of their life"....

 

Hope that makes sense... but I've actually heard a friend of ours that just had a baby and she calls him the love of her life... which is what she used to call her husband.. (he doesn't look too happy)

 

But yea, all this was just to say that I think it doesn't start out that way when you get married, but you just fall so much in love with your baby that if you don't check yourself, you tend to put your hubby on the back burner.

 

(never had any experience with this personally, but hey, at least we realize it early on )

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  • 2 weeks later...

I totally agree with you, I have been contemplating diivorce for years (i am married for 10) I am not happy and do not love my husband like a wife should lover her husband. We have a daughter who will be 4 in a few months and honestly i think she will be fine. I agree with you when you say that kids pick up on this and like i have said in previous replied before I do not believe in staying together for the "sake of the children"

My mother died when i was 12 and I was devesated, i would always resent other kids who parents were divorced because i always thought "well at least they still have both parents". My parents were very loving towards each other and I still and always will remember that. I do not want myu daughter growing up thinking that marriage is cold and unloving. Thank You Girl68 for giving me some courage, to ask my husband for a divorce, i truly feel we all will be better off in the long wrong. God Bless and thank you again for sharing your story.

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Divroce is hard of course! More than I could ever imagine probably but think about what is best for YOU, and what is best for you will in turn play out in favor for what is best for your daughter and your soon to be ex-husband.

 

Goodluck with your future!

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Thank You ! I have always thought that deep down but felt selfish at the same time thinking of myself first. But I am not doing anybody any good feeling the way I am, whic is sad, miserable, depressed and lonely.

 

Actually afer MUCH contemplation I am actually leaving work early today to meet my husband at home (without my daughter being there) and sit him down and tell him I want a divorce. I am very nervous and know it's going to be a bad scene. Although he shouldn't be shocked I am sure he will be although I have told him I wanted to divorce many times before THIS time I really am going to go through with it.

 

Wish me luck!!

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^ I do wish you luck, but luck doesn't have anything to do with it. I wish you strength and courage.

 

I hope for your daugthers sake that he takes it well and that despite being divorced he will remain a good father to her. Hopefully your interactions with your are civil and kind. I do wish you the best. Good luck in finding happiness, we all deserve it!

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