Rape or no?

[StreetlightM]

I'm going to dig up some buried issues because lately I have been very concerned with my self-esteem and such, and seeing the consequences of having a low one..

 

Anyway, my (now ex) Boyfriend and I had been dating for 3 months. We had been having sex. And he started acting differently (which I now realize is him just being himself) and instead of accepting it, I got emotional, and wanted to break up but at the same time, didn't. And then we "went on a break"

 

Okay, so, a day or two later, I was with my friend and her two friends, and I...like many times in the past but with different people, got drunk and high. Pretty badly. So, I don't really remember what happens, but one of the friends and I were in the bathroom, and at this point I think I was really confused, he (I'm going to feel rea,.lly dumb for saying this) "entered" my mouth, held on to my head. Ok, whatever, I remember all thoughts about me not wanting to do it go through myhead. I believe I said, "we should stop" in a very slurred way. When I was able to, I think I just fell back, layed on the floor, he continued to try to enter my mouth and I guess it wasn't working out for him. So he said, "Want to have sex?" and I said, "Do you have a condom?" And he pulled it out, I was wearing a skirt, basically, he did all the work. Yeah, so that was that, and I felt like crap, told my kinda BF about it, but not about the sex part because I felt that bad. We broke up, was upset for a month, and believed myself to be one of the biggest * * * * s/whores ever, I felt very bad for hurting him, and obviously he was hurt because it seemed like everyone knew about it.

 

That was august, and now, its been months but I think I'm realizing that I was infact raped and could have avoided all this nonsense had I realized it at the time. But, yeah, I still feel like I could have said "No" when he asked me, but then again, I was under the influence (and..16 years old. he wads 20) so, god, sounds like a Legal "rape" to me but I sure don't feel like it is. You be the judge.

[PsychGirly]

Did he know you were underage? If so, then yes, it's statutory rape.

 

If he wasn't aware of your age, it doesn't really sound like rape. You were pretty intoxicated & you didn't really try to stop him. You said "we should stop", when you should've said "stop it!" if you really didn't want it to happen. When he asked you if you wanna have sex, you asked if he has a condom--basically telling him you want to.

 

Again, if you're underage, it's considered statutory rape, but I think the act itself was pretty consensual...as intoxicated as you were.

[Casey13]

This is absolutely not rape at all. You willingly engaged in casual sex by saying: "got a condom?" followed by not preventing in any way for it to happen. As for the entering the mouth part, well thoughts in your head are not good enough to give someone the signal to stop and saying: "I BELIEVE I said we should stop" sounds like youre not even convinced yourself if that's what you said. If you got too drunk and high to even remember your true course of actions and didn't object to intercourse but instead implied by asking "got a condom?" then you can't just turn around and blame another person who was just as high and drunk as you for engaging in a sexual act with you. He can turn around and say the same thing to you with his mind distorted from drugs/alcohol after he sobers up he may be under the impression that you took advantage of him. Bottom line if you choose to get high and drunk in combination to the point where you can't function and then somehow end up involved in sexual acts then its your responsibility to ensure you know where to draw the line. Don't blame others for your own actions

[Clementine orange]

I'm not sure if that can be uneviquivically defined as "rape" - regardless it sure wasn't "nice" what that guy did too you. I personally doubt you have a case legally though from what you've told me, especially since a fair bit of time has gone by

 

A rape/abuse counsellor might be able to put this into the right framework for you - I'm not expert on this

 

My gut reaction, for your personal mental health, would be for you to personally define it as a "very crappy night resulting in unwelcome sex" and learn from it and be more careful next time.

 

You don't want to take on a victim status and let it totally affect your life. If you believe it to be rape but didn't get any "closure" on it then it could be a drain on your psyche

 

Others may disagree with me of course.

[StreetlightM]

Werd, okay. Thanks for the help - all I needed to know.

[PsychGirly]

Werd, okay. Thanks for the help - all I needed to know.

 

Regardless, I'm sorry that you're feeling that way. I know it feels like crap to regret something.

 

Just don't get so intoxicated next time that you give up control of yourself.

[Casey13]

Its like me saying Im going to sue the knife company because the knife was sharp and I stabbed myself while under the influence of serious drugs and alcohol to the point where I cant function. You cant do that, similarly as you cant blame someone who finds you attractive for having sex with you under your consent and then trying to tell people its rape because you were drunk/high. Sorry to tell you thats not his fault, as its not the knife's.

[EQD]

when you ask the guy if he has a condom that was as good as a 'yes'

the only 'rape' that happened was statutory.

[PsychGirly]

when you ask the guy if he has a condom that was as good as a 'yes'

the only 'rape' that happened was statutory.

 

& that's only IF he was aware that you were underage. You mentioned you were drunk & high & wearing a skirt & all...he might've thought you're of legal age.

 

Again, I'm not defending him, just stating the obvious.

[StreetlightM]

Nah, I don't want to be a victim which is why I never made it seemed like I thought I was raped. I never thought I was, I blamed myself completely and entirely, but I kept reading the "drugged drunk" thing leading to it not being consensual. In my opinion, I did not consent to it, but that was my fault. I don't blame him, never did, I haven't spoken to him since nor did I have speak to him prior to it. I think basically, this is me trying to figure out whether or not my own lack of self esteem (the ability for me to say, STOP IT!) and then continually blaming myself for the whole thing really messed up a ton of relationships with people. I always blame myself. I still do and I really hate/am disgusted in myself for letting something like that happen to me, I really feel that weak mind that I had in combination with intoxication made me seem to consent to something that I did not want to do. I do not want to know whether or not I was raped so I can go and tell everyone about it. I just want to know, to know.

[Casey13]

Why are you beating yourself up for it so much? Just let it be a learning experience for you and move on stronger. Everyone of us goes through nasty experiences and we come out stronger and wiser by them so allow this experience to do the same for you and let go of the negative

[EQD]

you werent raped. you asked him if he had a condom to screw you with. how is that not consent?

you are just disgusted with your decision.

yeah i screwed like 4 guys when i was hammered (not all at once haha)(or one night). i'd take them all back if i could, but i never tried to sit there and pass off my drunkeness as an excuse to say 'yeah i was probably raped considering i wouldnt have done it if i was sober'

own up and forget about it. you two just had drunk sex.

[scorpio47]

Hi. To be honest, this one is a tough call. Not really sure what to say, as I have had two ex gf's who had been raped in their past and it really did affect them deeply, and as a male, I don't think I can truly understand what they went through. The reason why I say this one is a tough call is because he asked if you wanted to have sex and you didn't say "no". I understand you were high and drunk, but the parts that you did remember, you didn't give him any indication that you didn't want to. Does that make what he did right? Absolutely not. Are you a * * * * * ? No. That's just what drugs and alcohol do to people, especially when mixed. I'm sure I'll have others that disagree with me, but like I said, this one would be a very difficult one to prove. I definitely think that he took advantage of you in a questionable situation, though, which I strongly disapprove of, but I don't know if I would necessarily call it rape. I'm sorry, I'm sure it's not what you want to hear, but that's just my own opinion for whatever it's worth.

[PsychGirly]

You shouldn't think so much about it. You were pretty intoxicated, so your judgment was obviously off.

 

I wouldn't say you were "weak". Part of you wanted it to happen--the drunk part of you. After you sobered up, you realized that you wouldn't have made the same decision had you been sober.

 

I'm not saying what happened was ok, but there's no point in you thinking about it so much. It's just one of those things you have to learn from & use to better yourself.

 

I don't mean to sound judgmental, but you shouldn't even be drinking/smoking at that age. And if you are, you should know your limits. Don't ever get so wasted to the point where you "barely remember what happened"...because worse things can happen.

 

This doesn't make you a bad person. It was a mistake that you just need to learn from.

 

No mistake causes permanent damage unless you choose for it to.

[ErikT]

I think basically, this is me trying to figure out whether or not my own lack of self esteem (the ability for me to say, STOP IT!) and then continually blaming myself for the whole thing really messed up a ton of relationships with people. I always blame myself. I still do and I really hate/am disgusted in myself for letting something like that happen to me, I really feel that weak mind that I had in combination with intoxication made me seem to consent to something that I did not want to do. I do not want to know whether or not I was raped so I can go and tell everyone about it. I just want to know, to know.

 

The equally important issue here is as a 16 year old, how/why would you get so drunk and high that you weren't able to stop it.

 

If you are looking to blame something for your relationship troubles, blame the drugs and alcohol, not the sex.

[StreetlightM]

Yeah, after that day I stopped smoking and drinking. Since, have done it very seldom.

 

I was actually looking to hear people tell me it wasn't rape. Now I don't feel guilty for telling my ex, because if it was rape, I'm sure he would have wanted to help me and he wouldn't have judged me so harshly and tell everyone that I was a * * * * . Now I know that I really did deserve all of that nonsense, glad it happened too, I think all immature little self-concerned girls like myself need an experience to show them how retarded they are...

[Clementine orange]

Yeah, after that day I stopped smoking and drinking. Since, have done it very seldom.

 

I was actually looking to hear people tell me it wasn't rape. Now I don't feel guilty for telling my ex, because if it was rape, I'm sure he would have wanted to help me and he wouldn't have judged me so harshly and tell everyone that I was a * * * * . Now I know that I really did deserve all of that nonsense, glad it happened too, I think all immature little self-concerned girls like myself need an experience to show them how retarded they are...

 

Hopefully they can learn from other people mistakes actually. You'd do a service if you can spread the word around. That might help your angst a little anyway.

If you are at a party and you see some young girl who is not handling her liquor well and could be in danger then maybe you could watch out for her!

[PsychGirly]

Yeah, after that day I stopped smoking and drinking. Since, have done it very seldom.

 

I was actually looking to hear people tell me it wasn't rape. Now I don't feel guilty for telling my ex, because if it was rape, I'm sure he would have wanted to help me and he wouldn't have judged me so harshly and tell everyone that I was a * * * * . Now I know that I really did deserve all of that nonsense, glad it happened too, I think all immature little self-concerned girls like myself need an experience to show them how retarded they are...

 

It's good that you're admitting your faults. That's a good start. Shows that you have matured & learned from the experience.

[StreetlightM]

I always admitted I was wrong, I actually had moved passed it and moved on, until this thought got in my head that if it was really rape then I shouldn't have spent so many months truly believing I was a horrible person. But I always believed that anyway. Its all self esteem, I had none, subcumed to peerpressure, was unable to see that I was in a bad situation, was unable to stop it, saw my boyfriend as not a good one because he did not meet my expectations, and then blamed myself and looked to blame other things all because I had no sense of self worth, you know. Since then, I have gained much integrity and all that. Not really angsty. Its just a hard subject to bring up again because it had been buried, so Im trying to seem as indifferent as possible.

[Gracelove]

I'm so sorry to hear that this happened. It sounds like he took advantage of you to me.

 

Do you know if he was sober at all? I don't know it just sounds really disturbing.

 

He's 20 years old, your 16, it sounds like rape to me.

 

I've never been high before, but I've been drunk plenty of times. And let me telling you, someone grabing your head and sticking their penis in your mouth is FARRRRRRR from being normal or acceptable behavior.

 

I mean that is just off the hook.

 

I'm going to say, "I think you've been raped". Of course I can't know for sure, because I wasn't there. But I have to say, it sounds like it to me.

 

I think only you know for sure if you've been raped. I believe your subconscious mind is always present, regardless of whatever else is going on.

 

And like someone really wise once told me, on this site, the body remembers what the mind forgets.

 

I think you should call the Rape crisis hotline. Really discuss what happened. And as painful as it may be, try to remember everything you can about the incident.

 

Every detail.

 

I think you should see a therapist.

 

Oh, I just re-read what you wrote. Okay, this is a "friend" that did this to you?

 

What about this friend? How close were the two of you? What do you know about this person, and their personality and past behavior?

 

What happened to your friendship after this occurred? What was his behavior? Did the two of you discuss it? How did he treat you afterwards?

 

All of these things are soooo very important.

 

Oh, another question. How were you guys "friends" when he's 20 and your 16? That's a big age difference.

 

Did you guys hang out a lot before? Did you talk about sex before this incident occurred? How did you interact, or how did he treat you before this happened?

 

I really think you need to talk to a professional. Not just any therapist, but someone who has had lots of experience in treating rape victims. You need to sort through your emotions.

 

You need to be in a place where you have no fear of judgement, or anything like that.

 

Then you can know for sure if you were raped or not.

 

I've been raped before, and there was or is no confusion about it.

 

But there's also another experience I've had, where I may have been raped, or maybe not. So in that case I choose to go with, "no".

 

Because for me, if I don't remember, then it didn't happen. If by chance he did do it, then to me, he gets a free pass. Because I'm not going to say he did it if I don't know for sure.

 

But when it comes to your situation....I know a girl who had somewhat of a similar situation.

 

She was on something, and a "friend" of hers took advantage of her. She woke up in bed with him, and she was covered in throw up/ vomit.

 

And she wanted to know if she had been raped. I mean, I couldn't say for sure then, just like I can't say for sure with you.

 

But I must say, in listening to your story, I get a really bad feeling. Which is why, from where I'm sitting, I say yes.

 

I always regretted not telling that girl that I knew that maybe she was raped.

 

At the time I was too busy judging her, thinking, "How can she not know for sure? What's up with that? I don't think she should say that maybe she was raped, when she doesn't remember anything, etc. etc.".

 

But I was wrong. I'm no professional. Some people surpress their abuse or rape for years.

 

I think that if this is really bothering you, and you feel that you've been violated, you need to talk about it.

Surpressing it isn't going to help anything.

 

And if you haven't been raped, then that's awesome! And you should just work on whatever bad feelings you have regarding that night.

 

Anywho, I think a professional, would be most beneficial to you at this time.

[1MoreChance]

please do not put yourself in situations like this anymore. you are not taking care and looking after yourself doing this. you are making your life dangerous and setting yourslef up to be very hurt... don't get so intoxicated from now on and if you cannot help it, get some help asap.